Don't want to have dinner with the Ex
Hi. I'm new to this forum but I have a major dilemma. I'm buying a house and my bf is moving in with me. That means his kids will live with us during the weekends. We have no intention of getting married any time soon and I'm not aspiring to be a parent or have kids of my own. Now I know he's a dad first and in the way I want to be with him means I need to interact with his kids too. I have no prob doing things with them or disciplining them when they're when they're either being disruptive, destructive, or dangerous, but I'm not going to do routine stuff like make sure they eat their dinner or brush their teeth. My bf is ok with this level of involvement and accepts me for who I am, just as I accept him as a parent.
Anyway, his ex-wife now wants to meet me and have dinner with his since we're moving in together. So far, I've managed to avoid her when we've crossed paths and honestly my bf doesn't actually spend any time with her. I don't foresee myself having to interact with her either because I really have no interest in school functions or Boy Scouts etc. so, do I REALLY need to meet her/have dinner? She thinks it's rude that I have been conveniently absent when I could've introduced myself. But I just don't care and have no desire to be friendly with the woman who cheated on my bf and broke his heart.
I understand that I'm dating him and if I want do see him a lot, I have to see his kids too. I'm fine with that. But I'm not dating his ex. We're never gonna "hang out" and frankly she doesn't get to dictate his relationship with me anyway. And it's not like she'd be able to judge my character from one awkward dinner. Also, meeting with her will be not easy for me. I have a traumatic past with another guy and his ex-family in-law where I was pretty much bullied by them until I consented to become part of thei "family" and spend super uncomfortable Christmas eves together. Totally not interested in that happening again.
My bf is giving me a choice but I know that if I say no, she will prob be upset. And possibly make things harder. But if I go, it's likely that I'll be panicking with uncontrollable anxiety and also I def will be resentful. Now I know people will probably say "just take the high road and get it over with", but why? Why do I have to be the reasonable one when she is already being unhelpful to my bf, taking way more money from him than she needs to and just making demands?
Don't go. If she wants to
Don't go. If she wants to meet you, she can say hi when she's dropping the kids off or something. It doesn't need to be a big formal meeting... I never had that with DH's ex. We were dating for about 6 months before I met her, and I only met her because I stayed over on a weekend I knew his kid would be dropped off the next morning. At first I avoided that because I didn't want to meet SD until we were sure we were going to last.
Our meeting was simple: She knocked on the door, DH got it, SD came inside, I was sitting on the couch, she looked at me and mumbled something that sounded remotely like "hi" and left. We don't exchange too much banter when we see each other. We get along fine, but we're not friends by any means. We simply tolerate each other's existence.
What's the point in having a formal meeting? So she can judge whether you're good enough to be around her kid? I think your BF has already made that decision and she needs to respect that.
There is no way the BM can
There is no way the BM can dictate to you. Even if it means she gives BF some grief over it, you need to stand your ground now with her. Do what makes YOU feel comfortable. WTF what does she want, a job interview?
I am in a similar situation, and I resisted BM attempts to control OUR relationship since our domestic arrangements were none of her business. Our BM was a cheater also. People who cheat are entitlement freaks and they don't have the same social boundaries.
You are fortunate your BF is on the same wavelength, and he treading a difficult road if he has a narc ex.
What's that saying? Start as
What's that saying? Start as you mean to continue? If you start out letting her call the shots, she will think she always can. If you don't want to have dinner with her, don't.
She's just going to have to trust that the father of her children is not moving in with the evil incarnate.
I just want to say, that so
I just want to say, that so far, you are doing fine. Your instincts, self awareness and boundaries are healthy. I do agree though with both reconsidering why you are having BF move in. Do you really want kids in your home every. single. weekend?
Why not just date him during the week?
If he does move in, the idea of either a tenant lease or at the very least a cohabitation agreement is a really good one.
He's moving in because I love
He's moving in because I love him and we pretty much spend every weekend together in some form now anyway. I spent two years as just friends with him because I didn't want to get into it with someone with kids. We kind of just fell together.
Since then, we've talked a lot about boundaries. Boundaries with his kids, with my space, with their space, and with his Ex. One of the things we talked about was that we wouldn't do anything until both of us were ready. Meeting his kids, me staying over, me hanging out with them - it's all happened very slowly.
It's not the kids or living with the kids that's an issue. It's my life being dictated by the ex. That is the real issue.
Even when you move in
Even when you move in together, make sure you've set boundaries on the ex AND the kids. They will be there every weekend, which means from the sounds of this BM, she will feel like she can waltz through your front door and check the place out. YOU set your own terms. Can she come into the house? See where the kids sleep? Or is she only allowed to bring them to the door? You decide. As for the kids, where are they allowed to go? Do you want them in your room? Should they be able to come see daddy in the morning while you guys are cuddling? Are they supposed to keep out of specific rooms in the house?
It's all your choice, but keep in mind, if you're living together they're going to be over every weekend. It's hard but it can be manageable. For example, my husband and I live together and SD lives with us full-time, but I still have boundaries. BM can come in the house, I've even let her check out SDs room, but she's rarely involved (once or twice a year) so I don't mind. I do it for SD. She did, however, think she could make plans to sleep over at our house for a 2-day visit once. I put a stop to that REAL quick and told her "sorry that you've made plans, but our home isn't available for guests so you will stay in a hotel or not come at all."
We also have boundaries with SD, even though it's her home too. She isn't allowed in our room if we're not in there. She's not allowed in our room WHATSOEVER in the morning, meaning she can't run in when she wakes up. She really only comes in to hangout when we're doing something in there during the day. She is NOT allowed on our bed at ANY time. Ever. Just simple things like that keep you sane when you're a stepparent. The fact that our room is off-limits means she never bothers me if I go lay down and read a book because I'm a bit overwhelmed (having someone else's kid around alll the time gets frustrating, even when you love them).
Someone has been listening to
Someone has been listening to Dr. Laura!
Welcome! 1. " I have no prob
Welcome!
1. " I have no prob doing things with them or disciplining them when they're when they're either being disruptive, destructive, or dangerous, but I'm not going to do routine stuff like make sure they eat their dinner or brush their teeth. My bf is ok with this level of involvement and accepts me for who I am, just as I accept him as a parent."
You don't do any disciplining. This is left to dad and only dad. Sure "hey, don't do that" or "hey, be careful" is ok but any disciplining should be left to the parent. This is to avoid any resentment on their part and to make sure your BF is doing the parenting. If it comes from him then you aren't the bad guy. My SD, if she does or says something wrong I tell her, hey that is not ok and this is why, but if she continues to do it that is when I have a conversation with BF away from her, then he talks to her and disciplines if needed
2. The fact that she cheated is neither here nor there anymore. I think I can understand a mom wanting to meet whoever her children will be around for a large period of time. Especially if living in the same home. I don't think that is unreasonable. You have the option to go and just get a feel of it. This doesn't mean she gets to dictate anything in your life.
3. She isn't taking anything from him that he isn't willing to give. I mean, does she put a gun to his head? If its court ordered then it is what it is. But why create more drama than necessary. You don't have to meet with her, but you already know she will be upset and make things harder. You can either say Tough luck and ignore it and let BF deal with the outcome or Just meet the woman.
I have an anxiety disorder myself and the first time I was to actually spend any "time" or "meet" BM I was having panic attacks. Not because I was "afraid" of her or anything like that, I just didn't like the idea of having to socialize with her. She wasn't my type of person, not someone I would hang out with on a daily basis or anything like that. It was SD's bday and I said screw it, its not about BM its about SD. If SO has a good relationship with BM, if I have a decent enough relationship with her, SD benefits from it. So I went and yea it was a little awkward at first but now its a whole lot easier. She also stopped her crap after that. And it has benefited SD SOO MUCH. We aren't best friends, or even friends for that matter but its not weird anymore, there is no anxiety over being around her.
I also want to add "You can
I also want to add
"You can tell yourself again and again that because you love your boyfriend you have to accept his kids as part of the package, but if the anxiety and resentment is setting in already PLEASE do yourself a favor and really examine whether or not you want to get deeper into this. Why? Because, like I said, this drama does not stop or start based on the choice you make regarding this one thing."
This is so on point. So many of us don't listen to our first gut feelings and end up knee deep in our feelings and unhappy. I love my SO and SD. Relatively speaking we have a fairly easy situation with this whole step thing. BM is easy compared to others here. SO parents, I do what I want with regards to SD. My rules(and his) are followed in my home. BUT if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't.
1. That's what I meant. 2.
1. That's what I meant.
2. True she doesn't get to dictate it. Which means, I should have the right to say no.
3. True, i suppose. But her unwillingness to work with him, doesn't really make me want to be accomodating. Also, he could prob get CS lowered now because he's back in school. But it's just a bigger hassle.
4. I think i was born without that self-sacrificing for children mentality. I'm definitely not mom material b/c I haven't thought how much better it would be for his kids if i were cordial to their mom. At this point, i don't think they'd even really notice b/c I will not be at functions involving their BM until, maybe, they get married.
You have the right to say no
You have the right to say no all you want. What I am trying to say is that even if you did meet her, it doesn't automatically make it so that she dictates your life.
I wasn't born with the self-sacrificing for children mentality either. It has been hard. but I actually like my SD. I don't want children of my own, and I honestly have zero patience for kids in general. I don't like kids much outside of my nieces and nephews and SD. With SD it was a learning curb for sure and I struggle with my inner feelings all the time. But I am glad that I put my own anxiety aside and just met the woman, its made things easier and less anxiety filled for myself really. I think the way I see it, I decided to be with a man that has a child. He puts my wants and needs ahead of anything(obviously his child's needs are met as well) He is a good man, the least I can do is be kind to his child and cordial to her mother.
That is, if the mother was like some of the bm's on here then I'd probably be out of the relationship or totally disengaged by now lol. Just my prospective.
I think it's a losing
I think it's a losing proposition to first, let a guy move his kids into your home, and second, accept that as the non parent, you get no say in discipline. Just wait until the lil darlins start ransacking your place, leaving their crud all over, being rude...you will be sorry you ever handed over the keys. I'd be willing to bet he won't lay down the law with them as often as you will wish.
Why can't he entertain the kids at his own home and visit you when they've gone back to BM's. If you do decide to play hostess, then make darn sure you can turf them out when the shit hits the fan because it will.
I have been with my SO six
I have been with my SO six years and living together 3 years and have never once even laid eyes on the BM. I have a friend whose BM demanded that she be allowed in their new house to "check" it before her kids came there and they LET HER!! I was like, uh, oh hell no. What gets me the most is that these women thought enough of the baby daddy to lay down and have sex with them but now that they aren't with them the baby daddy isn't a good enough judge of character that the moms actually think they are going to interview the new woman.
I don't see that you have provided any information on how long you have been together but is there a reason you have to move in? I would def make sure that you date a couple of years before even talking about moving in. If I would known about this site before we moved in I would have totally put the brakes on moving in for sure.
Thank you for that. We have
Thank you for that.
We have been together long enough for me to know that this is the right course of action. This isn't my first rodeo and I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. Now, that's not saying that I won't make further mistakes, but it's definitely different this time around.
Usually I would say that you
Usually I would say that you shouldn't have a sit-down with the Ex, it's the one thing I've ever regretted doing. It's a pissing competition and a way to see who's going to take the backseat to whom. Since you are disengaged and plan to remain checked out in all skid aspects then I think the most you should do is tell your DH to message BM that if she wants to "meet you" she can when she drops the kids off or picks them up, but because you plan on being minimally involved with "her" kids there is no point for a sit down dinner. A quick meet up should be sufficient if she honestly just wants to meet you. A sit down is more for interrogation purposes and ridiculous. There's no need for her to know anymore about your life than the skid will assuredly sneak back to her.
You've had some very good
You've had some very good advice already on this thread, I feel, so I will just add that I would rather have spent the evening sticking red hot wires under my toenails than have dinner with NPD BM, and no, there is absolutely no reason you have to agree to this. It's totally your choice whether you want to have a brief meeting with the BM - but I never did. I met her fleetingly when I couldn't avoid it, mainly by accident, maybe 3 times in 14 yrs.
"No thank you." - perfectly
"No thank you." - perfectly polite response.
Then treat it with your BF as being too silly to even think about. Not something to be seriously contemplated.
You definitely don't have to
You definitely don't have to go to some formal meet and greet. She can meet you at a drop off or something. She had kids with the guy so she should learn to trust his judgment when it comes to choice in partner.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your responses so far! I (kind of) hate to say it, but I do feel vindicated in my feelings of not wanting to meet her. Likening it to an interview totally is how I was thinking of it. Do I want to give her the opportunity to say "I've met her and I don't like her"? Not really. I mean, I really couldn't care less how she feels about me. My BF is an adult and part of that means making his own choices about what's best for his life AND his kids. All I really care about is that he thinks I'm sane (or crazy LOL!) enough to be around his children. His BM needs to trust that he's an adult and can make those decisions. Doesn't matter that she broke their foundation of trust initially.
I mean, it's not like her opinion of me will change anything between my bf or our current sitch.
Miss, you are not legally or
Miss, you are not legally or morally obligated to meet your boyfriends ex.
Every weekend visitation will soon become a huge burden on you. It is totally different than lets say, 50 50 custody.
Your boyfriends x has it made in the shade assuming the children are school age. HE pays child support, HE has his kids every weekend all year long (plus summers too I bet) BM gets a hefty check and see's her kids maybe 20hours a week of awake time.
NOW here you come along and I assume you work...NO ring, NO date and you will pay 1/2 the rent, 1/2 utilities (maybe more) and shell out some more of your money for food since boyfriends money it going to his x.
PLEASE protect your $$ and heart because YOU deserve it. Love is not enough my dear.
20plus years of experience here
Wishing you the very very best.
I think you are smart for not
I think you are smart for not wanting to meet her or be all involved. I think that I was way to involved and I think I had major insecurities with myself which made me get all involved. I wish I had the strength to not be all up in all the "drama". Be good to the kids - and make them respect you in your home. IMO your boyfriend needs to tell his ex - that you will not be doing a dinner, if she gets upset about that he needs to reassure her that there children are in his best interest and he would not put them in harms way ever. Honestly she probably wants to meet you to be see what you look like, who you are - because she wants to size you up - maybe I am wrong maybe she really wants to ensure that her kids are with a sane person and she is putting her kids first who knows.
I say you do what you are comfortable with - and don't let her make you feel like you have to do anything - you are your own person..
IMHO you have no obligation
IMHO you have no obligation to ever see BM much less this early in a relationship. If she wants to know about you she can Google you and do a background check.
I never met my Skid's SpermIdiot before my wife and I married. The first time we laid eyes on each other was in court. Before we met my wife had moved out of the state of SpermLand with the kid (then 1yo) to attend university. She had sole physical and legal custody so this was not an issue. The SpermClan had little contact and interface with them until the small home town grapevine delivered the message that she was dating someone. My wife made sure to call regularly so the Skid could "talk" with them though he was not yet talking. They never called, wrote, etc.... When she learned my wife had started dating someone SpermGrandHag filed a custody motion in her son's name (without telling him) and the game was on.
9mos later we married an two weeks after that we finally had our day in court shredding them over their custody attempt. As we all were in court to kick off the festivities is the first time he and I put the hairy eyeball on each other. From the earliest stage of my blended family life I adopted the perspective that the blended family opposition had one choice and one choice only. Work reasonably with my wife (us) or suffer. That is it and that is what I have stuck with for 22+ years. I have one primary job and one only slightly secondary job from the blended family perspective.
1. Support my wife and have her back.
2. Raise my Sson as my own and protect his best interests as I see them to the best of my ability.
Period!
My give a crap regarding what the SpermClan wants is and always has been zero. They comply with the CO or they suffer and I am the one who brings the pain. If they work with us reasonably then I/we are reasonable. If not.... they choose the consequences of that choice Eventually they learned that we were the ones in control and quit playing their toxic toothless manipulative games.
In 22+ years other than in court I have not spent more than an hour total in proximity to the SpermClan and that includes them all. Time in proximity to the SpermIdiot is probably less than 5mins and that has mostly been during the very few times he actually gave a crap enough to pick up his eldest child for visitation. Usually SpermGrandHag would send a surrogate.
Good luck.
Wild horses would have to
Wild horses would have to drag me to meet my girlfriends ex, and I would not for one minute move a girl and also children into my house. I have been with my partner nearly 6 years and we still have our separate places, because she has a son.
Please have a good read and listen to what people on here are saying, you will be setting yourself up for a life of misery as an outsider.
Protect you and your assets, there is no rush to move in together.
She can say hi at drop off
She can say hi at drop off one day and that's it. She doesn't need to know you as an individual. She should trust her exes judgement when it comes to who he brings around his children. I limit my interaction with mh SDs BM only to drop offs or pick ups.