Between a Rock and a Hard Place (raw)

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Hi there.

(Yes I will reply and be super active on here)

This is my first time posting here but I've read a lot of threads and I can't tell you guys how much better I feel knowing I'm not the only person who with a doubt and with every fiber of my being, cannot stand my bf's son. My bf and I have been together for over a year and have lived together for 6 months.

My bf and I are both in our 30's. I want my own child one day. But other kids? Yuckkkk! Can't stand other kids, especially my bf's 5 year old son.

From what I've read on here a lot of you have step kids who are super misbehaved. My bf's kid isn't too bad but he's far from where he should be for a well behaved kid. Essentially, he's all sunshine and roses until we ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. Then it's temper tantrums, the pouty face that I was to smack right off his head (would never, just venting). The kid plays video games literally allllll day until bedtime. Eats junk for every meal. Candy every day. And has to do all that within 2 feet of my bf at all times. Literally. He can never be by himself for a little bit. He's always in our hair.

At his BM's house (where she lives mooching off her mom), he hits people, throws things, is verbally abusive and bites. He's very rough with their dogs too. But at our place he doesn't do any of that because my bf won't allow it and I think I've instilled a healthy level of fear/discipline/boundaries so he knows not to mess around with me there. Hell he even talks less than he did when I first moved in. When I first moved in he couldn't even take a breathe he talked so much. Not cool at all. He knows I like quiet so he's better at speaking for a more appropriate amount of time. And if he touched my cat? Well, I don't discriminate when it comes to protecting my cat.

I've taken both my bf and his son to task over the things I'm seeing that are problematic. Because of me the kid has to do chores now. Simple chores, but yes chores. God forbid he lift a f***ing finger or do something other than play a video game. The kid wasn't even putting his dirty dishes in the sink or getting his own snack. He literally wasn't asked to do one thing. Ever. He slept in his parents bed until I moved in and said, nope! Not going to happen. At his age I did a lot for myself independently. The temper tantrums have gotten slightly better. I've read some threads where stepparents struggle because of their spouses lack of cooperation with parenting and I have to say my bf has overhauled his parenting style for me. He agrees with me a lot and backs me up for the most part.

I guess the real issue I have which I haven't seen mentioned much here is, I'm jealous af over this kid and don't like sharing my partner in any capacity. I'm so damn resentful of this kid if I had the choice we'd have him once a year for an hour...and even then I'd still hate him. But no! We have him on Every. Single. One. Of. Our. Days. Off. With the exception of 2 or 3 or 4 days/nights when we get coverage for him. Depends on the month. The schedule so tough. My bf and I have very demanding, high stress jobs and I need to be able to enjoy my days off. Instead, I dread them. It literally makes me so enraged to even see my bf showing his son any affection. I don't want to share my bf!!!! I'm a possessive jealous person by nature and I'm super embarrassed I feel that way about a 5 year old but I do.

Another thing, when I have my own kid I want him/her to be the center of attention in our family. I don't want his son to take any attention away from my kid...but of course he'll rob me of that joy too. I want to enjoy being a first time mom and I don't know that I'll be able to because I can't seem to enjoy anything when my bf's son is with us. I also don't want ANY of his behaviors (poor eating habits, laziness, temper tantrums when asked to do chores) to rub off on my kid. I talked to my bf about that and he agrees we will parent both of them how I want within reason.

As a 34 year old woman who's done the dating game for years and years, I can honestly say I struck gold with my bf. He is the epitome of everything I want in a man. Good men are hard to come by.

We fight a lot about it but we can't change it. I either accept his son or leave. And if Ieave, I will lose the greatest man I've ever met. Like I said, I'm between a rock and a hard place.

As tog says, you can't

As tog says, you can't divorce a man from his responsibilities. You also can't separate a bad parent from a good partner. A bad parent is a bad partner because they'd rather be dysfunctional to appease their kids and cause their partner pain and anguish versus doing their job and parent.

Personally, based on what you wrote, you aren't cut out to be a SM. I also worry that you may be somewhat controlling given what you say about jealousy and not wanting to share your BF. You have to share, whether that be with his son, his friends, his coworkers, his family. And it's not sharing; he isn't a possession. Your BF is an independent person, and while he may share his time and resources with you, he himself, as a human being, isn't yours that you decide to piece out as you want/see fit.

It also doesn't sound like you'd allow your BF to treat his kids equally. Yours would need to be the center of his world and consume more resources. That can't happen. That shouldn't happen. You recognize that, it seems, but you've already built up resentment about "sharing" with SS. That will only get stronger with your own kid.

It sounds like your BF has made changes, but not enough for you to like his son. It sounds like even if his son behaved perfectly that you wouldn't want to tolerate him. Crossing that line is what puts you in the "this isn't the relationship for you" category. There's nothing wrong with that, even if it hurts. But it would be very unfair to your SS to continue to stick around while you resent his very existence AND punish your BF with fights when you know that you'll be resentful of SS no matter what your BF does. It's not SS's behavior that bothers you, but SS as a living being, and that makes you and your BF incompatible.

Thanks for your reply.

I do feel we are on somewhat of a hamster wheel, my bf and I. You're right in the sense that no matter what my bf does, I'm still unhappy because I can't accept his son. My bf bends over backwards trying to do whatever he can to make me feel okay about this but at the end of the day, nothing he does helps...

We can't change the fact that he has a kid and that kid is what is hurting our relationship.

But on a more constructive note, I have done some work on myself to get to a place of acceptance. Our relationship isn't as bad as it was. We are getting better. I think it was such a shock at first, living with a kid. After 6 months of it I do feel better about it. Just not better enough.

Without wishing

To make too many assumptions, it sounds like his dad and yourself have already taken a strong line on discipline and rules. that's a big positive, and this kid will probably stand a good chance of turning out alright with one home doing right in that respect. But, you can't stop a 5yr old being a 5 year old. He's still a small child and they're pests at the the best of times! I was 34 when I met then 5 year old ss and he was a nightmare with no rules or boundaries. Ff to my now 5 year old dd, I realise she'd also be a complete nightmare if she was living with same lack of structure, and even though she has it she pushes my buttons on a daily basis! Kids are hard work n often annoying, and their needs do have to come first. I stress needs not wants there, but spending time with his dad is a need so feeling jealous of that isn't going to be healthy for any of you . based on what you've said so far I'd maybe find a man with no kids at all?

Thanks for your perspective

Thanks for your perspective as a stepparent. It helps to here things from someone who's gone through it.

At the end of the day my conscious knows my bf needs to spend time with his son and the better part of me doesn't want to get in the way of that. It's just, the jealously I feel when I see him showing affection to him is that of if I saw him kiss another woman. Or something along those lines. It's crazy.

I need to get a grip on this but I don't know how. I'm not leaving because I know what's out there. I need some constructive advice on how to work on this or see things more rationally.

Honestly, this isn't he man

Honestly, this isn't he man for you. Find a guy who is childless, you don't seem cut out to be a SM. You resent the kid's very existence, and you will sooner or later resent that you have to be the heavy all the time, even if your BF does support it (for now - wait until the kid starts refusing to come over because you are "mean", then your BF will turn on you).

You struck "Fool's Gold".He may be a nice guy, but his son is too much baggage for you. And as Lt. Dad said, he's not a wonderful man if he's a lousy parent. And he IS a lousy parent - if you weren't there, he'd be allowing his son to do whatever he pleases. Sorry - you have to include the existence of this kid and his poor parenting skills in your assessment of his carat level.

Sounds like your BF and you

Sounds like your BF and you would have opposite parenting styles. I know you want a kid, but would you really want your kid to have THIS kind of person for a Dad? Someone who supports entitlement, laziness, and being a brat? I sure wouldn't. My SD10 has a TON of issues, but DH and I agree on how we will parent our own kid and we point out what things will be different. IMO it seems like your BF has drawn a hard line in the sand. Be thankful you aren't married and move on.

Well that's the thing. My bf

Well that's the thing. My bf and I do agree on parenting. He's changed a lot of things to make me happy in regards to his parenting style.

We've had a lot of talks about how things would be if we have a kid and he agrees on what I want. He's a man of actions. He does what he says he will.

In the midst of all these issues, I at least am assured my we're on the same page when it comes to parenting.

I just want to share a little

I just want to share a little of my personal story as a caution. My DH also agreed with my different parenting ideas and approaches with SS10. DH is one who hates mess, entitlement, laziness, etc., but is also someone who doesn't want to put in effort or deal with his kid's tears or anger.

Four years in, DH is bothered that my relationship with SS isn't closer. Thing is, DH started basically using me as the reason for stricter rules (not in all cases but often). Result: SS sees me as mean. And DH thinks I'm too tough.

Basically? If he really does have fundamental differences in philosophy, any changes might not be long-lasting. And if you're the heavy, the child will likely resent you -- big time. I'd just be really sure you're on the same page and he's not just agreeing to agree. Is he willing to be the "bad guy"? Because, long term, mine wasn't.

Not for you

I can almost promise you that the resentment you currently feel will get exponentially worse the longer you stay. At one year in, you've barely tasted the dark side of being a stepparent. I would cut your losses and move on to a childless man.

I do worry about resentments

I do worry about resentments growing.

On one side of the coin I think I have become less resentful as I'm really making an effort to adjust. But I do feel my resentments are noticeable in my interactions with both my bf and his son at times.

UPDATE

Well, you were all right. And thanks btw for all your wise words :)

I'm leaving my bf. I absolutely with absolute certainity cannot stand his son. I'm so resentful of him for essentially causing the demise of our relationship even though I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it. It's like having a constant obnxious, never quiet reminder of why your relationship didn't pan out on all my days off. I swear, I don't think I've ever hated someone so much...and he's 5!

Ugh, this is awful and I still feel like something is wrong with me for feeling that way

That along with my bf's very serious health problems which I just can't get on board with since I'm still relativley young and want to live and experience things like travel and marriage.

We never did anything activity wise because we always had his kid. I get that with kids you have to make huge sacrafices but I'm sorry, I'm not willing to do that for a kid who isn't mine. Never mind a kid I can't stand. I've never had less fun or felt like I lived less in any relationship I've ever been in. It's a been a tedious hell living here.

Problem is, I have to save up a lot of money before I can move out and considering it's winter, there's not a lot of rental properties opening up. So I'm stuck here and I can't tell you how hard it's been. I think as human beings, when we're done with a relationship, we wan't to physically distance ourselves from that person instinctivally. So I feel like I'm crawling in my skin here. But honestly I feel relieved knowing that I'm giving up on this impossible fight. Feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I cannot wait for the day I never have to see his son again...out on my own enjoying life again! :)

But still, here I am stuck here for now... I could really use some words of encouragement that everything will be ok :(

Yes, it will be fine

We all have periods in our lives where we are counting the days before a new chapter can begin: pregnancy, incarceration, vacations, etc. So, this period will end for you, too. I'm glad you are facing your truth. "Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs".

One thing: I found out to my surprise and cost during my split from my ex was that emotions can make people do crazy things. So, keep things cool while you still have to be there. Be careful, ok? Good luck.

Thanks for this. It was

Thanks for this. It was comforting Transition periods are so uncomfortable. Wish I could speed up time.

Great quote about reality. I need to keep that in mind moving forward because I don't think I would've moved in and continued to date him had I actually looked at the reality of what this was going to be like.

Since I haave decided this isn't going to work for me, my emotions for him and all the things I fought for shut off like a switch. So I don't fight with him at all now. Things I would get upset about before, don't bother me at all now because they don't matter. I'm leaving anyway.

Transitions

Carolyn Hax said, "The 2 things about transitions: 1) they're hard; 2) they'll pass.

You sound like me in my early

You sound like me in my early 30s. I dated someone who had a 5 year old and we were together until he was 8. That relationship brought me here because like you, I had these negative feelings for a young child and could not get past them. I realized after the fact, that it was not the child, it was exSO and me. ExSO for being a shit parent, and me for not realizing that a young stepchild is really not for me.

I really don't know what it

I really don't know what it is. All I know if the kid irritates the cr*p out of me just by being present.

It might be because I know he caused (even innocently enough) the demise of my relationship. Always vying for my ex's attention. Never letting me have some of it. Felt almost like he did it on purpose even though he's so young. Felt like he was actively trying to push us apart. I resent him so much for that to the point where every move he makes disgusts me and enrages me.

But you're probably right. It's probably just me not being well suited for this and me wishing things could've been different.

UPDATE

I told my bf tonight

I'm currently sobbing so bear with me. I told him I was going to move out. He was so, so kind about it. He told me he knew. When we stopped having sex and with me being distant. He knew. We cried and hugged each other. I thanked him for being so sacrificial in attempt to make this work. I thanked him for doing everything he did. We even talked about my financial situation and when I can move out. He said he would help me move but I respect him too much to let him do anything but heal. I told him that. I told him how could I ever find anyone as kind and wonderful as him? We cried and laughed during the breaks of crying. I told him I didn't want to hide anything from him. I didn't know if it was better if I told him sooner or later. He said he knew anyway.

I told him how I've been hearing people say that because I couldn't handle his kid, that I'm not meant to be a mom and wouldn't be good to my kids. How that was breaking my heart. He hugged me and told me his son vs my kids will be two very different things and I would be a great mom. How can I say goodbye to this man? The kindest man.

We laughed about inside jokes. We cried about letting go. I told him I was crawling in my skin being here but I would miss him so much. He told me he could tell. That I seemed like a compressed coil. I asked him, how is it going to be with us now? He said we will continue on how we have been the past 3 weeks. We will love each other before we say goodbye.

Break ups are so much harder when you really love each other and the only reason why you're leaving is because of external circumstances

I tucked him into bed as he wasn't feeling well. I kissed him and then kissed him on his forehead. We both said, "Good night babe, I love you."

And that was that and now I am turning into a pile of tears on the couch

Heart break is never easy.

Now for my three day rule. It has proven to be true throughout my adult relationship life. It was even true during my pre adult/teen relationship progression.

A breakup hurts the most for three days. Each day after day #3 it hurts a bit less until eventually it is little more than an occassional memory. If the relationship was one of quality, those memories will be good ones. If not... they will not be good ones.

The caveat to the 3 day rule is that if you re-engage, the whole process resets and you have to go through it all again when, usually invariably, the relationship ultimately fails for good bacause the issues that ended it the first time rarely if ever are effectively dealt with. Ovten it hurts even worse the second time around, and the 3rd+++++.

I am sorry you are hurting.

Take care of you.

3 days, then grieve, then get on with your life.

Awww, he does sound like a

Awww, he does sound like a great guy. He also deserves to have someone in his life that can accept his situation (health and his son) and it seems as if he realizes that's unfair to you. There are definately other awesome men out there like that without those issues. Just may take a little longer to find them.

It's good you realized you weren't cut out for it as it would have been so unfair to his child also to live with someone who hated his very existence. All around, the three of you will be better off apart, so you're doing the right thing for ALL of you.

I will say though, it does worry me a bit about your reacions of such jealousy/rage and yes, almost seems a tad controlling. I would suggest therapy for it, not to be in another step situation but for when you have your OWN children. Trust me that there are plenty of parents (mom or dad) that have extreme jealousy with their own kids relationship with the other parent. I've seen moms turn on their daughters for being 'apple of dads eye'- I've seen dads turn on their sons for being a 'mommas boy'. If you tend to have these almost irrational jealousy thoughts, this is something you should work on before having your own children and so you don't treat your own husband down the road like a posession rathern then a partner. And avoid 'momma boys' because then you'll hate your MIL with a passion lol.

You did good, you recognized what you could take and not and acted on it-so many stay frozen out of fear and then everyone lives a misersable existence. Well done. Now, work on yourself and heal as well.

Thanks to both of you.

This is heartbreak. It's the familiar feeling of losing a best friend, a partner. It teared me up. It's been a few days now and I'm starting to feel less sad. Just can't wait to move out.

Just the presence of his son at our apartment gets me so agitated to the point where if I'm not picking up an every shift, I just lock myself in the bedroom. He. Never. Stops. Talking. He has the most obnixious voice I've ever heard and it's almost like I'm allergic to him now. Even now that my relationship is over. That's how much it bothers me. Maybe it's because he's a reminder of why our relationship failed and how, innocently enough, he won in the end. I don't know. But I CANNOT stand to see him or hear his voice.

In terms of when I have my own kids and feeling jealously over them with their dad. It's a poor compairsion but I have cats and they love my bf. They cuddle up with him and it just puts a smile on my face and when they favor him over me I just tease them about being a daddy's boy or girl. Doesn't bother me at all. The reason why it bothered me with my bf's child is because I didn't really want him (didn't know that going into it but) and upon finding that out he just ended up being competition.

So here's my update....

I guess our love and respect for each other was never the problem. We still kiss and cuddle. Sad and ripped up that we're ending because of reasons outside of our control. I still find it so bittersweet that we can end it like this. As friends, as companions, as people who truly want the best for each other to the point where even now we can't help but love each other until we can't anymore when we physically part ways.

It's a beautifully tragic ending.

So there's some good and bad news. I finally got in touch with my old landlord. The woman who owned my last place. It's a tiny house nested in a small wooded neighborhood. The house was perfect. It was bright, quiet and clean. I had the whole place to myself. No close neighbors. No noise besides birds in the morning and the tree frogs and bull frogs at night. A huge backyard with a trail behind it leading to a little oasis consisting of a small pond with a bridge. Trees leaning over it with circle of sun above. Inside the house, a bay window and an open floor plan. My cats loved that window. My thoughts and my life were inhibited, all that free space to myself. The energy was amazing. I stayed up so late to dance around listening to music and then going out to the deck to listen to the tiny night creatures that engulfed the yard. My dreams flowed there. Felt like I had the whole world at my feet. And?...

I get to move back in. But, not until July 1st.

So, that means I'll have to find a month to month lease until then which is what I'm working on now. 2 moves will really suck with all the stuff I have and I'm not looking forward to have to live in temporary not so great place but honestly? I'll do anything to get back to that dream of a house.

When I first moved into my bf's place., a concrete jungle of an apartment. I cried for months about leaving my quiet country house behind. I can't express the gratitude I have in my heart that I'll be back there soon.

I know it hurts. That the

I know it hurts. That the two of you are being good to each other as this relationship winds down speaks highly of both of you. I would have loved a similar end to my first marriage. But... that did not happen.

You may want to look into a TownePlace Suites or another budget extended stay hotel brand that offers small apartments with kithenettes. Some have efficiency floor plans and some have one BR apartments. Have your stuff packed and moved into a storage facility near your country home and move into a fully furnished extended stay, They usually have kithen items, dinnerware, are furnished. are cleaned regularly, and can be reasonably affordable. Some can come in at a few $hundred a week. We lived in one (Candlewood Suites) for 5mos when we relocated back to the States after 7 years as international Expats. It took us that long to find a house we liked enough to buy. We have lived in extended stays a few times over the course of our marriage when we were relocating for a career move. We have lived in Candlewood Suites, SunSuites, and Studio 6 (the Motel 6 suites brand) for a number of months during various relocation events.

Make it as easy on yourself as you can reasonbly afford.

Deep breaths.

Thanks so much for all your

Thanks so much for all your support, Rags. Always love all your posts

The only issue with staying in a place with no space or storage is in my state, storage units are really expensive. I have one now and it's 3ft by 3ft and it's $60 per month. I could barely fit anything into it. I would need a massive storage unit for all my stuff. I filled a 16ft Uhaul with all my belonings when I moved. I just don't think it's financially feasible to both rent a place and afford a storage unit.

My ex landlord hooked me up with someone who has a studio apartment aviable for month to month but I have yet to look at it and it might be in a really danergous area. Don't get me wrong, I don't need anything nice esepcially when I'll be staying there for only 4 months but I do need something safe.

UPDATE

I've been in my new place for about two months and it's been glorious! :)

Back are the late nights doing the things I love, nights out with my friends. My home is quiet and the energy is flawless. No loud mouth kid monopolizing my home and ruining my days off. I can go out and do anything whenever I want. I can dance around the house to ellicit music, I can wear whatever I want or not wear whatever I want. My home is my domain once again.

And my days off? Well, they're what they should be again. Enjoyable and rejuvinating.

I'm no longer a hostage, instead, I got my life back.

I don't even really miss my ex that much because my ex wasn't really the man I loved in the beginning, he was a dad first and foremost with little room on his plate for me. I still believe he's the most wonderful man I've ever met but truth is, I couldn't enjoy him because of how much his son consumed his time and energy.

I'm happier now being single than I was with my ex and his little brat. Even just the possibility of meeting someone who's better suited for me makes me happier than I was while in my last relationship. And no, my next guy will NOT have any kids! lol!

So to all the stepparents out there who don't want to leave their SO even though they're not happy being a stepparent for the sole reason that they love their SO too much to part ways....rethink that logic. If I've learned anything this is it, there is no having a parent without taking on their kid...and at the end of the day, no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you love your SO, if the kid makes you unhappy... love is not enough. The grass is greener where you're happiest and if the kid is making you miserable...the grass has to be greener somewhere else

I'm happy that you have got

I'm happy that you have got your real self back again and that you're enoying your life (as you should be!). It's often said on this board that love is not enough and you are a shining example of that. Congratulations on taking back your life!

Thanks for the update. Enjoy

Thanks for the update. Enjoy the revenge of living your best life.

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Between a Rock and a Hard Place (raw)