Chores and discipline for bios and stepkids
I know a lot of the advice on this site is always to disengage and let your SO handle their own kids. But in our case it is just not that simple. My DH and I have completely blended our families and we live and engage as ONE unit for the most part. He shares responsibilities for my kids as I do for his. We try to treat all four kids, bio or step, the same. Our biggest problem is that my DH is so easy going and laid back and I'm just not. I'm a clean freak, like things in order and a certain way and I have always expected a lot out of my kids.
Over the past two years of living in the same house I have introduced a chore chart for all four kids and have given them all age appropriate responsibilities. The stepkids have actually started doing their part and keep up with their chores for the most part. All four of them have to be reminded now and then because they're kids... but my biggest issue is SS9 has suddenly gotten super lazy again and he does absolutely nothing. I will literally have to tell him every single frickin day to make his bed, hang up his towel after his shower, take his plate to the kitchen after dinner. I feel like he is being spiteful and figures if he doesn't want to do these things he's just not going to. All three of the other kids have no problem doing all of their chores, keeping their rooms clean, etc, etc. I don't feel like a 9 year old should have to be reminded consantly of what he's supposed to be doing but that's exactly what DH does when he's home. Follows him around like he's a baby telling him do this, do that, don't forget this. It's ridiculous!!
I am home alone a few afternoons a week with the kids when they get out of school and I spend most of that time aggrevated and pissed off at SS9 because he walks in the house, throws his crap down on the floor and wanders off to play video games while my bios and SS11 are doing their afternoon chores and starting their homework. I get so sick of having to run upstairs after SS9 and yell at him to pick up his backpack, feed his hamster, clean up his room, do his homework. It gets old!!!! I do not for one second believe that a 9 year old can't remember that he's supposed to do these things when we literally expect them every single day they are at our house.
Am I wrong? Is it normal to have to tell a 9 year old, very smart kid constantly what he's supposed to be doing? These days I'm home with them I will tell DH as soon as he gets home that SS refused to do his chores, I had to remind him over and over again, then he does them half-assed with an attitude and DH just chuckles and says something like "Oh just keep reminding him. He's just lazy but eventually he will catch on. That's not helpful at all. I was reminding my bios about this stuff constantly back when they were 3 or 4 years old!! Not 9!!! My DD is also 9, actually just one month younger than SS, and she is the most responsible kid in the house!!!
Does anyone have some advice? What do I DO to get this kid to take care of his few daily chores and pick up after himself???
I should also add that on the
I should also add that on the rare occasions my bios have just refused to do what they're supposed to do or give me attitude about chores I have immediately taken their TV privileges, cell phone, whatever will bother them. DH tells me I can do the same with his boys yet he WON'T. So twice in the past few months I have taken away SS9's video games because he refused to clean his room but my DH gave in and gave them back to him both times within a day or two. I'm not going to bother to continue taking things away if DH is just going to feel bad and give them back!! My son got his phone taken away for two weeks because he back talked and DH tried to get me to give it back to him after three days. I told him that wasn't happening. They won't learn anything if you don't follow through!!
It's perfectly
normal at that age honestly. We went through it with all of the kids (step and bio) at around that age. Personality also plays a factor as well as gender. My son was by far the hardest at nine (only boy of all of the kids). The girls were much more responsible and maturity plays a part as well. Even then there was some laziness between 9-11.
You need to find his currency. He wants to play video games. So what does he need to do to get the time to do that? Hide the cords to the video game system until X, Y and Z are done and then he can earn the cords back.
We had a rotating chore chart for household chores as well and then when the kids got older we had a "wage" chart. Every task had a dollar amount attached to do. If they did it they got paid that amount. If they didn't then no allowance.
I would also skip the things like making the bed. It's not essential. Focus on the important chores and let the rest go. Said child MUST clean up after himself, feed his pet, do his homework, and do one household chore. But does he really need to make the bed?
I think you and DH have to
I think you and DH have to sit down and come up with a plan that you both agree with, so you are ready to implement it when something happens. If he thinks two weeks is too long, maybe one week is a happy medium. Then agree that both of you can enforce rules on each other's kids, but in the end the bio parent has the final say.
But, this will only work if he can contain his feelings of sympathy for the kids when they get upset about being disciplined.
Your DH has to back you 100%
And the other thing you could do is that any kid who doesn't do their chores, the other kids do them. The peer pressure from the others should have an effect.
You also need to find his "currency." What is is that he values? Games? Lego? Phone? Food? Quiet time? Withhold that.
The only other comment I have that is slightly in his defense is: perhaps he is an introvert and needs five minutes of alone time after a day at school. Can you stagger chores so he has a few minutes?
I'm a big fan of natural
I'm a big fan of natural consequences for actions (or inactions).
Basically, it's teaching a kid that what they do or don't do will have consequences -- either positive or negative -- which is a good life skill. I agree. Some things like making the bed -- not a hill worth dying on. Pick things that are necessary like feeding the pet, doing homework and cleaning up after himself. And keeping any common areas clean and uncluttered with his stuff.
SS9 likes to eat a snack or breakfast in the living room while watching TV. No problem as long as he's neat and puts any dishes or trash where they belong. If he forgets, the next time he has to eat in the kitchen, where there is no TV. "You seem to have forgotten the rule about eating in the living room, pal. How many times do you need to practice putting your stuff where it belongs before you can go back to eating in the living room? Two or three? (or whatever number seems appropriate)"
Some of it is just typical 9-year-old laziness. Not fun, I know. One thing we started doing with SS9 is this: If he makes a mess that we end up having to clean up for whatever reason? He basically has to pay us back. Not necessarily with cash (though that may be what works for you) but with other chores or time. Or he misses out on something fun. "Sorry, dude. I know I said I'd take you to ride your bike this afternoon, but I got worn out cleaning that mess you made in the bathroom. We'll just have to do it another time when, hopefully, I won't be too tired."
If he doesn't do chores, another way to go about it: Give a time limit on his chores. If he doesn't do them in a timely manner, offer it to his siblings. They get paid a set amount for the chore from SS9's allowance or piggy bank or whatever. Let SS9 know the plan ahead of time so he knows what to expect.
And I should add -- any consequences you and DH decide on should apply to all of the kids, even though this particular one is the one that was the catalyst. You never know if/when another kid will suddenly develop a case of the lazies. And you don't want a situation where there are separate rules for each kid.
The key is consistency and you and DH HAVE to be on the same page. The two of you may need to compromise some. I do have to say, if the consequence is overly harsh, it won't be very effective. It will just breed resentment when the goal should be teaching him.
Where is DH? IF he thinks its so amusing that SS doesn't listen to you then he needs new childcare. DH can SS put in aftercare and DH can deal with it when he picks him up from aftercare.