advice please

Forums:

Hello, I've been lurking on this forum for a few months now and finally got up the courage to ask you guys for some advice.

Here's my story; I've been with my Bf for over a year now and he is a wonderful man and someone I would like to spend the rest of my life with however there is BM drama and problems with his 3yo son.

I knew he had a past when I first met him and my usual rule of thumb is never to date men with kids but I gave him a chance and everything was great however his ex started to become an issue. At first I thought it was just the usual drama you'll have when there is BM and he made excuses for her blaming her behavior on PTSD and postpartum depression (Thought ppd after 2 years was a bit strange to me thought I know it can happen) I took his word and just thought the girl was going through a rough time.... wrong, she is completely psychotic. She's the reason I've almost left him twice because her antics were getting out of hand. Though after a talk with him and deciding he was worth sticking with I stayed. However all while I am having issues with her his son is a background issue.

Please don't misunderstand I do care for the boy but his behavior due to bad parenting from both his BM and dad is driving me insane. At one point I was very involved with the child and his dad would listen and apply what I was teaching him but I've hit a wall that the father just won't listen to me on. I suspect the boy has mild ASD and have asked him to get him evaluated He says he thinks he is too young and really won't talk any further on the subject.

My BFs mother has already told him to take him to a therapist because his extreme behavior "just isn't right," she puts. His family makes comments on how he acts though not directly saying he has a problem.

And at this point I feel like my efforts are just being wasted because his BM will continue to bad mouth me to the boy and let him wild out and his dad will continue to let him wild out unless I step in and start adding structure.

This is really bothering me because I feel like I am repeating the same thing with being too involved with a kid that's not mine (the other child was a family member) and that ended with me being broken because I tried so hard to set them on the right path while their parent did everything possible to do the opposite.

I'm lost as to what I should do. On one hand I feel I'm giving up on my Bf and his son too soon and should stick it out, but on the other hand I fear nothing will get better and will spend the rest of my time in an unhappy house because of a misguided child.

You will hear this time and

You will hear this time and time again: you cannot do for this kid what his own parents are not willing to.

And if they aren't willing, nothing will get better and you will be miserable.

^^^This 100%!^^^

She usually does.

You have to think about how

You have to think about how you might feel in a few years, when the child is bigger and more difficult and you've been trying and trying to help - and nothing has changed. Except, maybe, you've been pouring out a lot of kindness and energy to contribute to making things better and you've been ignored.

I would imagine I would feel very tired, hurt, angry, and resentful. I don't know if I would ever be the kind of woman who was ok being involved with a man who didn't help his kid, and who didn't appreciate the effort I made to try to help him help his kid. I think I'd lose respect and affection for him.

I think I'd be a few years older, and alone or at least very lonely - and maybe with a big chip on my shoulder that might it harder to leave and/or start a new relationship.

I think you already have your answer in your heart. I think you just wish you could magically change things.

Good luck!

Thank you for your advice

Thank you for your advice (all of you though moeilijk you hit it on all my mental dialogue I've been having)

I just want to set a few things straight as I feel my first post may have given some the wrong impression of BF. He loves his son and would do anything for him though his parenting is much to be desired. If I tell his son to do something or correct him he always backs me 100% and listens to what I have to say though like I said when I bring up him having a mental issue he doesn't really want to talk about it.

Even a parent that loves their child and would do anything for them might find it hard to accept that something might not be right and would rather put it off as them just going through a phase.

The issue is I feel like I always have to step in and say something, even with his support it's just Frustrating that I have to hold his hand through everything.

the boy is very disrespectful when speaking to you. Like he will ask for something and I will say okay sure I'll get it just hold and he always replies then do it!

spits in your face, hits, kicks, blocks you from walking and all of the above. He will correct him if he notices it or I say something but usually he'll let him do this to him and won't say anything.

recently I have been staying to myself and not adding any input in what the boy does and the dad has gone right back to how he was when we met; letting him do anything.

sorry that I'm rambling but I feel if the boy was just easier to deal with and I didn't have to hold BF hand when it comes to proper behavior it would be soooo much better but as you guys have said this is not my kid and I should just go... but.... I love my BF and if he treated me any less than what he does I would just leave but he is truly a good man.

I also don't want to give up on this relationship or his son but I know that it just won't get any better... deep down I know that but it's very hard with all these feelings invested.

Thank you for your advice

Thank you for your advice (all of you though moeilijk you hit it on all my mental dialogue I've been having)

Even a parent that loves their child and would do anything for them might find it hard to accept that something might not be right and would rather put it off as them just going through a phase.

The issue is I feel like I always have to step in and say something, even with his support it's just Frustrating that I have to hold his hand through everything.

the boy is very disrespectful when speaking to you. Like he will ask for something and I will say okay sure I'll get it just hold and he always replies then do it!

spits in your face, hits, kicks, blocks you from walking and all of the above. He will correct him if he notices it or I say something but usually he'll let him do this to him and won't say anything.

recently I have been staying to myself and not adding any input in what the boy does and the dad has gone right back to how he was when we met; letting him do anything.

I also don't want to give up on this relationship or his son but I know that it just won't get any better... deep down I know that but it's very hard with all these feelings invested.

Tell your BF this. "Get your

Tell your BF this. "Get your kid under control or he is no longer welcome in my home. You can step up and parent before I have to but either way the kid's unacceptable behavior ends right now. If you refuse to step up and parent then you will stand bye and have my back while I deal with the unacceptable behavior. If you can't handle that, there is the door and you need to take your spawn and leave."

His choice. Hold him to his choice either way he decides.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

" Please don't misunderstand

" Please don't misunderstand I do care for the boy but his behavior due to bad parenting from both his BM and dad is driving me insane"
STOP - YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE HOW OTHER PEOPLE RAISE THEIR CHILDREN AND THE ADULTS THEY WILL BECOME

" At one point I was very involved with the child and his dad would listen and apply what I was teaching "
STOP - GET UN-INVOLVED IMMEDIATELY. YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS TEACHING OTHER PEOPLES CHILDREN.

" He says he thinks he is too young and really won't talk any further on the subject"
NEITHER SHOULD YOU.

" And at this point I feel like my efforts are just being wasted because his BM will continue to bad mouth me"
CORRECT. IT WILL NEVER STOP. THE ONLY THING YOU CAN STOP ARE YOUR EFFORTS.

" I tried so hard to set them on the right path"
STOP TRYING.

" I'm lost as to what I should do" .
Disengage. Take care of yourself first and stop trying to fix other people. You are not married and appear to have no bio kids with your BF. You are FREE TO GO ANYTIME YOU PLEASE. I would set very clear boundaries and if your BF can not follow through, you need to decide if its worth staying.

" I tried so hard to set them

" I tried so hard to set them on the right path"
STOP TRYING.

With that situation I have that's why I feel the way I do about this one because I know from previous experience it doesn't get better but I really want hope for this (though I should know better)

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