When is enough...enough?
I apologize in advance...I'm sure the subject has be covered to death, but i am new here...I am very grateful to have found this site because i have no where else to turn.
I have been with my partner for over 5 years our relationship is solid in almost every way except when it comes to her daughter. Two years ago the adult daughter, age 25 at the time, came to live with us... angry negative boyfriend, cat and lizard in tow.. they had no money, no car, no job. We tried to help them get back on their feet by letting them use our second vehicle, gas money, housing and feeding them, $20 here, $20 there. When it became clear that there was no effort on their part to find jobs, because staying up all night playing video games and watching movies and getting up at 4:00 in the afternoon did not fit into the schedule for finding jobs, I started trying to help them find one, making lists of businesses to call, checking the online job sites... eventually after 3 months of this one of my acquaintances agreed to give her an interview and hired her... i only had a few rules while they stayed with us... that they keep the room neat, remove all trash, and wash their own dishes and make their own food... they did none of that... never cleaned anything, left the cat litter box full and smelly, moldy food, piled up trash in their room, dirty bathroom, the cat destroyed my leather recliner and part of my carpeting... then they took a trip 13 hours and drove the truck in 4WD the entire time causing all kinds of mechanical problems since...which afterwards she then accused us of giving her a lame truck. i could go on... there came a time that i really couldn't take having two lazy 20 somethings that acted like disrespectful teenagers in my house. that is when conflict started between my partner and I and between them. They moved out not long after that with a little encouragement and financial help... we supplied the security deposit for the apartment, then when her boyfriend left her 6 months later, the last months rent to move out. Covered her car insurance, and cell phone. Since then we had decided to let her keep the vehicle, and have paid for multiple repairs on the vehicle as well. When the truck needed major repairs we had another second used vehicle which she borrowed for 3 weeks and the brakes started to go she drove on those brakes for a week back and forth to work until it damaged the roters and never mentioned there was even a problem.
Although she is no longer living here it does not stop. She only calls when she needs something, she never thanks us, in fact, acts like we owe it to her and seems so ungrateful. When i hear the phone ring and its her i hold my breath and wonder what is it that she needs now? what do we have to sacrifice to provide it to her? what do we have to drop everything for to do for her? She borrows things that i either never get back or when i do they are damaged or broken, or i have to beg for them back. What sucks is that this entire time i feel like i have to just give in to everything or else bear the brunt of how horrible i am, or how inflexible i am from my partner or that i not follow the belief that "it's just how kids are". The truth is... my partner is one of the most giving people i have ever known and does not know when to say no to her. With time i have eased her in to agreeing with me that now that she is back on her feet again and for her own well being to get her to have her own cell phone, buy her own insurance and she has seen the benefit of what that has done for her now 27 year old daughter. But there is always something new and there is always something else.
I think the most recent thing that has set me off and has made me feel like the final straw... Wednesday her alternator went out when she was leaving here from doing her laundry. she found someone who would fix it but they have yet to do it and its been 6 days...she is using our newer vehicle, which we are making payments on, and although we made her promise to just use it for work and back for a couple of days i found out she and her new boyfriend are driving it all over the place joy riding in it... and its no surprise she does not take care of anything especially something that is ours. So i sit and worry when we will get the call that our car is ruined in some way that will put us out once again in a major way.
I have been so patient, and i have kept silent through most of this but i am feeling like i have had it, i am exhausted with this. How many times do you let someone walk over you and take, take, take before you finally say enough? And if you do, you risk the most important relationship of your life and i don't want to do that. i am at my wits end, i feel angry and hurt yet silenced because the second i open my mouth about it no matter how gentle... it is me that is in the wrong. I feel like i have no boundaries to enforce anymore because its a lose lose situation. 
One of the things I have
One of the things I have changed about my once mousy self is to speak up - within reasonable bounds of course.
No point dying inside. Now if someone upsets me at the supermarket I give them hell right there. If the salon doesn't do my nails right, instead of going home and moping and taking it out on my family - I give it to them right there.
Back to your topic, you have to tell your partner that it's killing your relationship. At the end of the day, your SD was there before you but your partner made the decsion to be with you and she should make the effort to mark those boundaries especially with a grown loser child like that.
don't feel bad for hating her or the situation. If your partner won't bring SD to order then just know your relationship will always be stressed.
Look up "co-dependency."
Look up "co-dependency." There is some reason your partner allows her daughter to take advantage of her like this.
My DH had a horrible time saying "no" to his adult kids as well, especially his son. By taking care of every crisis, real and imagined, his son didn't have to grow up. Daddy would always be there with a solution or a checkbook. It was disgusting and I almost left my DH over it. I would have, too, if behaviors hadn't changed. And guess what, SS is now in rehab. Poor kid never had any responsibility so simply couldn't cope with life. Probably more to it than that, but you get what I'm saying.
But I think you need to get to the bottom of why in the world this is ok for your partner? Surely your partner sees this as wrong? Or is she too spineless to say no, too afraid of losing her daughter forever, too caught up in the role of hero and fixer? Guilt? Personally, I couldn't live with that kind of enabling if it was affecting my own financial and mental security.
It's a common problem here, and you will get good advice.
The question you should be
The question you should be asking is actually "Have I had enough?" because with your original title, you are assuming there's a baseline for the amount of times someone can hurt you over and over again until you should act so you don't have to take it anymore.
Everyone has a different tolerance level for emotional and mental pain--some people have higher tolerances than others (although I'm inclined to think it's less a tolerance than it is either optimism, blind love, or not knowing one's own self worth.)
I do this instead:
1. Remind myself that NO ONE has the right to hurt, take advantage of, abuse, or use me without my consent. Regardless of their relationship with me.
2. Then I ask myself these two questions:
a. If nothing changes, can I be happy in the current circumstances, for the rest of my life? (And happy, not just "tolerant of.")
b. If I can not be happy, then is it possible for me to change this situation by myself into one that could be happy, while no one else changes?
If the answer to both is "no", then I know that I have had enough. If the answer to either is yes, then I would pursue those lines of solutions before thinking about if I've had enough. You also have to weigh your pros and cons, and what is most important to you.
I'd rather be alone and lonely than with someone who not only has circumstances that make me miserable, but doesn't try to mitigate them, and instead blames me. However, some people would rather have company than not. No one way is better than the other. It's all a matter of personal preference.
Your SD is a user, plain and simple, but she is a product of her upbringing, and therefore you have to realize most of the blame lies with your partner.
Stop being gentle. Your
Stop being gentle. Your problem is not your SD or even your wife. It is you.
You need to decide what your boundaries are and then stick to them. Yes, you have given way to much to this ADULT (nearly 30, come on!). You do it mainly because you fear the wrath of your wife.
Stop fearing the wrath.
Just say you need the car back by such and such a date. After that your permission is withdrawn and you will report it stolen.
Then never, ever lend it out to her again. Or any of the other stuff. Everything you describe is ridiculous and no sane person would put up with it. Let your wife scream and cry and vent. To herself. Walk away or go for a bike ride.
If what your wife requires of you to stay with her is to bankroll an adult's hippie lifestyle, then let her walk away. It's not worth it.
I doubt she will, though. After a period of misery, she will figure out where the boundary is and respect it because she knows she has no choice. That's just the way things are.
The two of you will have a much happier life after that. SD will go nuts but that is no loss. No loss at all.
She'll either grow up then or find others to leach off the rest of her life. BTW, your wife is CRIPPLING this young woman. Maybe leave a book about co-dependency lying around, it possibly might interest your wife.
...a great suggestive read is
...a great suggestive read is called...
"Pick" the life you love to live...It addresses the givers (enablers) and takers in life...It will show you the may ways to say no. It addresses the passive underproductive person vs. the over productive person...enough is enough when you have had enough of the merry go round ....It's a quick read....changed my life. Why would they change if you and your spouse are gong to step in and do it for them?
I will check that out
I will check that out peacemaker...sounds like something i really need to read!
Hi OP - First, any time a
Hi OP - First, any time a adult child has to return home it must be without boyfriend. In todays economy it is tough to find decent work that pays a decent wage.
Any AC that returns home should be given chores to do, to pay rent, expected to hold a job or to find work, and a time limit on when they should be out....which of course can be extended if need be.
Thank you for all your honest
Thank you for all your honest responses, i think it is exactly what i needed to hear, because to be honest sometimes i can actually convince myself that i am just not as tolerant as i should be..believe it or not.
I know for sure that i am to meek when it comes to this...sometimes i think i have no right to have an opinion or that i fear the conflict that will no doubt come about if i share my feelings about this. I do need to be stronger because it does not do any good for anyone not to be.
@Merry...you are right there is a reason why my partner is this way and i think i do know why. She has a son a few years younger and when the kids were pretty young her and her husband at the time were getting a divorce. her daughter and son got along horribly, mostly the daughter always picking on her brother in excess, they decided that the daughter go live with her father and the son with his mother. i think she feels like she abandoned her daughter and now feels like she has to either make it up to her or feels scared to loose her.
We have made a couple baby steps...i did make her see that hand outs and safety nets all the time were not helping her daughter to be a self sufficient adult and i saw how hard it was for her to take those steps but i thought she realized that we could say no and she would see that she didnt loose her daughter over it she just helped her to be more independent. At one point her daughter wanted to move back...i said no way...i couldnt do it again and that it was hurting us as a couple, and she did tell her no...her daughter didnt talk to us for two weeks but she eventually came back around and i think she realized that she can land on her feet all by herself.
Thank you all for your advice...i think it relieved some pressure building up in me today...and i realize i do have the right to my feelings and opinions about this and holding them back is not helping anything.
Remember...guilt goes
Remember...guilt goes away...Resentment builds. I had suffered the BM and the step kid issues and constantly was told to "Be the bigger person"..(I now hate that phrase) What does that mean?...Keep your mouth shut and keep taking it...choking it down...stuffing it... for years...until I disappeared...there was No me left...Then one day, it happened...the Anger that festered for over 26 years showed up at my doorstep...all the emotional and mental abuse I had endured for so long had caught up with me...I had to disengage for a long time just to see the situation more objectively...
Now I am free from that toxic culture and have no intention of returning to it...I still am married to my DH...but I feel like I can breathe again...Their opinion is no longer my concern...I no longer covet their acceptance...They no longer have the right to speak into my identity...and they no longer have me for an audience...No more time wasted on all the drama...They are no longer the center of my attention...They are no longer the center of my attention...did I say they are no longer the center of my attention?...Time to enjoy the rest of my family...all the ones who are precious to me, who fill my life with encouragement and honor and respect...who know how to reciprocate love shown to them...Healthy people healthy relationships....
Makes sense....but how do you
Makes sense....but how do you disengage when their actions still affect you directly either emotionally or financially? It feels like that is just another form of "taking it" or stuffing it.
Someone will undoubtedly put
Someone will undoubtedly put up a link for you soon on disengagement.
In your case, the "kid" is an adult so it really is more a matter of letting her live her own life and stop opening your wallet and garage constantly to her.
Your wife will learn to live with this and she will be better off for it. Refuse to listen to any talk from her that is designed to make you feel guilty over it. When she learns you just won't listen to it, she will learn to stop doing it. That's the short version of disengagement.
It's not stuffing - it's not allowing the crap in in the first place. Learn this phrase and learn it well: "not my problem."
I am starting to see it
I am starting to see it now...i need to just change my attitude about things not everyone elses...
Boundaries...lots of healthy
Boundaries...lots of healthy boundaries...They have no connection to our money anymore...they have all burned that bridge individually...it is no longer an option...and emotionally?...They are adults now and their journey is now theirs to take...The "Parenting" season is over for us...They need to raise their own families now...we have transitioned into a new season in our lives.....No more co dependency...no more manipulation...I now have the freedom to choose to walk away...
I like how that sounds...i
I like how that sounds...i have had success in other areas of my life that way in the past...why not with this too... thank you for your advice it gives me a lot to think about!
When you begin to focus on
When you begin to focus on the other 99% of your identity...and stop neglecting your personhood...you are WAY MORE than a step parent...you have gifts and talents and a purpose in life...Start to respect yourself and others will either respect you also or leave you alone...the paradigm shift for my adult SS was when his counselor informed him that his father's marriage to me was our number one priority...his universe too a kick in the pants over that one...Now, it isn't about whether they accept me or not...It is about respecting our marriage and the boundaries we both have chosen for the sake of our privacy and the health of our marriage...We choose who to let in and the exclusivity of our relationship...their entitlement attitudes have been deflated by reality...
We, on the other hand, have decided to move forward...they haven't realized that both my Husband and I have jumped off the merry go round to nowhere ride and are taking more vacations and chasing more sunsets than ever before.. I looked back one day and asked him "Do you think they have noticed that we have left?...then I caught myself as I whispered "Who cares?"...what's next? I've been seriously thinking about relocating someplace warm in the winters....Life's too short to keep catering to adult's who still need their narcissistic diaper changed...
Amen to that! That is so
Amen to that! That is so wonderful that you were able to finally get to that point. sounds like your husband also had a breakthrough too. I think the hardest part for me will not be seperating myself from the brat and all her issues, it will be more getting her mom to see the other side of things...but i am going to work on my attitude change and see what follows.
The real issue is the
The real issue is the strength of your marriage. My DH and I finally came into the principal of being in agreement when it came to spending money...We also had to come to the conclusion that neither of us would give either of our kids money out of OUR pockets. Up front and honest...nothing behind each other's back going on. There were times in the beginning when both the oldest sd and my oldest bs would try to use us that way...and we had to learn to say..."I will talk to my partner about that"...then the answer would be no. Now, they rarely ask for money...they are learning how to support themselves,...that is the bigger goal here...to raise independent adults who can take care of themselves.
Was it hard emotionally? Of course. but in the long run we were all better off for it. I don't believe in splitting finances...because when you are married...it is a shared venue. Otherwise, you wife will keep diving out the 20's, and then come to you for more to meet her shortages...so, in essence, you are still supporting your SD financially indirectly...and your wife will not have to change.
Where if you agree on the decisions together regarding your finances, it will strengthen you as a couple, keep you in the know about what is going on with your extended family, and you will present a united couple to your SD, so she realizes she cannot divide you two...and this will no longer be a venue that she can use to some between the two of you...she will learn how to be self sufficient, and hopefully grow up in this area...You can use this to bring you and your spouse closer together, or you can let it tear you apart...But, being the husband...your leadership is required...and you may need the help of a professional counselor to help your wife see the importance of the bigger picture for her child and her marriage....
Most often, it is not what you do...but WHY you do what you do that really matters...your wife needs to see that it is for the long term health of her child and to strengthen you both as a married couple.....that is in your heart..(win win) isn't always easy...in the short term...but you will be glad you did in the long run. It's about your commitment to each other
ya'll are letting her borrow
ya'll are letting her borrow yet another vehicle, after she has destroyed several of your other cars? Wow.
also how is she on her own 2 feet? Sounds like you guys are still paying her bills.