Trauma bonding my proxy
As that day approaches in 9 days I find myself fighting so many emotions. Guilt continues to rise to the top! Am I doing the right thing? Is it REALLY THAT bad! As I mull it over in my head and ask myself what is the heart of it, I ran across something called "trauma bonding" As I explored it, I realized that I certainly have some aspects of it in my relationship with my H. He has, over the years, conditioned me to believe he is the only one who can care for me and support me. He is a narcissist and I am the empath. I get that. But I do believe that through the many break ups and reconciliations, he HAS improved until, of course, this recycled issue with my SD34.
Now as I analyize their relationship, with this new lens of trauma bonding, I realize that they are forming this trauma bond. She is highly emotionally abusive! If she does not get what she wants WHEN she wants if from H...he melts into a ball and she uses guilt, extortion, revenge, and threats of abandonment and even suicide! I think most people would call this emotional abuse! Now here I am reading all these texts and calling it that but what does that make me? Now he has applied a passcode to his phone. Now he has gone deeper into deception and secrecy. Why does he need a passcode on his phone? I never had one on my phone before all this crap started happening with her! I do NOW because I am calling lawyers, apartments, etc...but before that, I had no secrets. He could see any texts from my kids to me BUT he has now decided that what he is saying between he and his daughter is 100% private. While this may be acceptable for some, for me it is further justification that I am on the right road.
I am wondering if anyone else has ever heard of trauma bonding by proxy. I have looked it up but can not find anything tangible. Were I to stay or leave for a while and later reconcile, I would need to fully address this because while I am NOT the one directly abused,, I still suffer the repercussions because my world is disrupted by her. How much will she extort? This is a real concern. If 3000 a month is ok today...what is ok tomorrow? We were only at 500 a month a year ago....
I hope I am not becoming tiresome to any of you. Trust me, there is an end in sight and eventually I will not need to post so often however, right now, I am very near the eye of the hurricane and I just need a little reassurance from Y'all!
You are not in the least bit
You are not in the least bit tiresome. Vent as much as you want. And you are absolutely on the right road!
Please don't allow yourself to be drawn back into this toxic web. You know that nothing will change except get worse. Even once you leave, it won't give your dh the wakeup call that he needs. He will only stop throwing money at his daughter when he hits rock bottom and doesn't have the cash to pay his bills anymore.
Thank you,
When i look in the mirror and see the collegen breaking down, the stubborn white hair that simply wont cover anymore, the grays are now in my brows....it is so hard to think about being alone! how long before my health catches up to my aging body? What will I look like after a year of the massive legal fight that lie ahead? It is scary stuff! And without that extra SURE mindset, it is going to challenging!
You will look better! The
You will look better! The weight on your shoulders will be gone, you'll be sleeping well, you'll be taking care of yourself!
We just celebrated my
We just celebrated my beautiful niece and her husband this weekend. Two beautiful and amazing young people. My SIL was at a table of her long time friends. There were five of them that were all divorced. Several of them had been through extremely contentious divorce battles. All of them were happy, bright eyed, and energetic. All of them are early 50s and looking forward to what is next.
They reminded me that there is life after a breakup. Ma y STalkers have been through the process and find a happy life on the other side.
Take care of you and enjoy what is next:
You will get older no matter
You will get older no matter what. You will either be older and still dealing with this loser and his mini wife, or be older and free and maybe even find someone better. I'm convinced that happily ever after only exists in fairy tales. Your life is what you make it. You, not anyone else. You can't depend on other people to make you happy. Every day is a fresh chance to do better and be better. Good luck!
It's never easy to end a
It's never easy to end a relationship, especially a toxic one. Fear is what keeps most people in bad situations. I'm not sure how old you are, but given he has a 34-year-old daughter, you are at least in your 50s. Do you have family and friends who support you? If they are not in your area, can you move to be near them? Can you build up your social supports?
Staying in a bad situation will almost guarantee that your health fails and you age faster. His relationship with his daughter sounds very sick. And yes, narcissistic people work very hard to make their partners and children believe that THEY, the one abusing them, are also the only one who can make them happy (hence, a trauma bond).
It is interesting
It is interesting to see which of them is a bigger narcissist. I see him as the grandiose narcissist while she seems sociopathic because she sets out to hurt others overtly. Possibly he is sociopathic also but while I don't see him setting out to intentionally inflict pain, his actions do all the same. I THINK that is the difference between Sociopaths and Narcissists. Either way, I know I can not change the dysfunction so I have to do what is best for me and most healthy and you are right, this constant deception and dysfunction is what is real and clear and what will cause me illness.
I have spent the last 4 months getting all the pieces in place that you suggested. I feel confident enough in that part but I never know how I am going to feel until I spend a few nights alone. I am over 60... If I were 10 years younger I think I could do it under the current financial situation, the trouble is, I wasnt in this financial shape 10 years ago. Now I am but Im old! Its scary.
Well, 60s are the new 40s! My
Well, 60s are the new 40s! My mom is 87 and still very active and independent. You could easily have 30 more years of life ahead, much of it good.
Trauma bonding BY Proxy.....Typo
Sorry....doncha hate when you see your title messed up and its too late to correct it???
You must protect yourself
At your age retirement is something that comming up. If DH is throwing all his money at DD how is he going to afford to retire? Are you going to be supporting DH as he still throwing money to DD ? This is not going to stop. Not after all there years . It's really time to figure out how you are going to live in the future. You can't start saving for retirement at 50 not enough years left
Vent away. As someone who
Vent away. As someone who left a narcissist. I can tell you they take away parts of you so little at a time you don't even notice it. You just think this is who you are now.
Once you leave that situation and start to find yourself again. You suddenly realize you never changed. You are still the same person. You were just hiding them that whole time and living in a way to survive your environment. You are depressed and don't even know it because your situation became normal to you.
Once you break free and find yourself again. You will never ever allow someone to take that away from you again.
Beautifully stated and
Just what I needed today! Thanks! I find myself getting so agitated with him now so much more than I used to. i don't think he has changed I think it is me realizing the crap I have endured for so many years and how self centered he really is! Its kinda weird.
That's what happens when you
That's what happens when you have finally reached your breaking point. You start to go into survival mode.
OMG
Tonight?? It was crazy! Had my kids over for dinner and he laid on the sofa the whole afternoon barking out orders to me! Check on this, do that, did you do that yet? He had me jumping up and down like a yo yo. I looked at my daughters face and she was shocked! What is wrong with this guy? I guess it has always been this way but I just got so accustomed to that treatment or now that I am leaving I am realizing what I won't be missing?
staying because of your age
is the worst idea ever! Get away from this mess and I promise you will feel better and look better after a bit of time to heal yourself and start putting together your new future. You KNOW the situation with them will not be better - not next month, not next year, not in 3 years. Would you rather be over 60, away from this drama and charting a new course you're excited about? Or heading toward 70 wondering again why you stayed in this mess and wishing you'd left when you were younger? This is a cycle that never ends. Every day matters, tomorrow matters. No regrets, just GO!
Reassurance
I guess I just keep coming back here to gain the reassurance I so much crave! When you are caught up in it, sometimes it is easy to say...
Aw,,, its not that bad. He does nice things for my kids. etc. You think that maybe all this dysfunction could be palatable if you just look at the good.
I appreciate the consistency I find here! I gotta tell y'all that I tried therapy again and I just find most therapists tend to agree with whoever is paying their tab. If it is me alone, then HE is the biggest rat ever. If I take him with me then he is "Not really a narcissist" So I have found it is all pretty useless. The advice I have gotten from this forum has been SO much more valuable! Thank you!
Please do not think that
Please do not think that sharing your journey is a problem.
I believe we are all happy to lend an ear and help you through the grief.
Just dream of the Starfish!
Once you get on your own, you can Starfish in the middle of your bed, meditate and find your peace! When you're near a swimming pool, fall back and do the Nestea plunge and be refreshed. Try it, it's fun! You are destined for fun and happiness once you leave that hot mess.
13 months ago I left a long 5 years of the emotional roller coaster from hell. Actually I jumped off that broken roller coaster that was on fire.
I turned 55 a few months ago...the white hairs don't bother me because I get my hair done and have more time now to take care of myself. I've always taken care of myself but now I can look in the mirror and see that I got the sparkle back in my eyes and love the woman that took back her life. I will continue to mature in my peaceful life. You will have the time and freedom to get your beautiful spirit back!
Please don't let your age define you or give you any reason to settle. I'll be damned if I let age keep me in ANY relationship that feels like such a struggle. Not again. Not ONCE have I looked back on the past 13 months and thought 'what if.' And the guilt, well, you didn't commit a crime, so ditch the guilt and get out. The good folks here at ST gave me the hard truth, advice & support to do what I needed to do before I left. I was numb and couldn't think straight...the folks here helped me when I was too embarrassed to ask my friends. Just know that you are not alone and you are supported here.
Now it's time to focus on YOU and not those disorderd individuals. You will have so much more time to focus on you and your beautiful life that lies ahead!
You got this!!!
What you wrote about ageing
What you wrote about ageing and loneliness really struck a chord in me. But the harsh reality is that your H is a shitty companion now, he'll be a shitty companion tomorrow and a shittier companion 10 years from now. He can't be what you need and deserve while emeshed with SD. Don't waste any more years feeling forever unfulfilled.
My divorce almost here
From a "nice guy" yet insidious covert narc, his malignant narc 23 yo kids, n ex wife who controls him cuz he lets her.
If you can stay at a hotel (not telling him where) for a few days you will start to see how PEACEFUL it is away from them.
I left in Dec (again n final) and I am living with a friend ...he doesn't know the address. I blocked, ghosted, bam! And I felt a twinge of guilt because one if the triplets suicided in Nov...BUT I knew that the other adult kids n ex wife would use that to get what they want from him (he started to have a few boundaries after I left the first time...whew did he get a nasty email from his ex, whom he refuses to block (another issue I had)...
Don't worry about him calling family, warn them maybe. Mine talks to my dad, my dad said that he (my dad) is allowing the calls because he (my elderly dad) wants to try to convert him (stbx) to his religion lol
I blocked my ex but still get the text msgs on my phone in settings. He kept sending me Bible verses about forgiveness. I got tired of it n sent him a verse on how God hates lying tongues (he said he didn't know why he lied to me) ...haven't heard from him since. Blocked him on everything n I do not peek at his fb or anything. It has accelerated my healing. I started new hobbies like birding/hiking. Have a positive plan for yourself like hobbies, it helps take focus off them.
Trauma bonding ...yes. look up peptide addiction, our physical bodies get addicted to the abuse. Prepare to be kind n caring to yourself as you go thru withdrawls.
As for him changing...narcissism is incurable. As much as we wish it could be. Abusers like abusing cuz it makes them feel powerful.
Have a take care if you plan. Join narcissist recovery groups on fb. Gather your close friends n ppl you can call on a bad day. Never ever go back! You got this!!
Peptide addiction = A HA moment!
I looked this up. Very interesting! Thank you for sharing it! I can certainly see that discussing SD34 and all the maddening things she does in my life is something that I am somehow getting addicted to! I really get this! I think when I am taking all that crap and spewing it to friends and family, (or even here in this forum) I am somehow hooked on their responses. The "yes, isnt she weird? Yes isnt she evil" Has become my new drug of choice! I need so badly to be validated that I find I am seeking it everywhere! RATHER I should be looking for ways to help ME! Things that open myself to my new world! Forget them! They are crazy. Enough people have already agreed with me! How many more stories will it take for me to finally say...YEP IM RIGHT! how many more people do I need to bore and bend their ears? Im stuck in this dysfunction and this needs to STOP!
You have really helped Jojo! Thank you!!!
I had major adjustments when
I had major adjustments when SS-28 aged out from under the CO when he turned 18.
We went from 16+ years of tension and conflict to calm drama free life seemingly overnight.
It took some adjustments to get to a new calmer state of normal.
Rumination
Dr. Ramani on YouTube has an excellent video on how & why us Empaths get stuck on a rumination spin-cycle. All her videos are great - in addition to Dr. Les Carter, HG Tudor, and others.
Ramani
Yes, I found her and LOVE her! I left a comment on her site asking for a video on Stepkids. I think it is high time she had one since it seems to be very common to see this triangle containing at least one narcissist!
Yes ^^^ Dr Ramani!
Dr Ramani helped me heal when I left last year on the first day of the stay-at-home order...absolutely love her! That time alone forced me to heal...with Dr Ramani, Sam Vaknin, two counselors, self-care, journaling, anti-anxiety med, Puffs Plus, exercise, and focusing on me and the things in life that bring me joy. You got this looloo
Also, Dr Sam Vaknin is straight up about NPD and he really drives home the pathology...he is not for the faint of heart and straight up...I love it! When he talks of how the NPD individual doesn't differentiate 'love' between the coffee table or the person they married....the lightbulb went off (one of many).
Kick these turds to the curb and never think of SK's/DaughterWife/Emotional Incest and likely more...
Leave them in the rearview mirror and give them double flips (see my PINK pic here!) as you drive away!
Sam
I will have to go back and watch him again. I found Ramani and quit watching him because she is just so much easier to understand. The anxiety is definitely setting in! UGH
2 days and the nerves....
2 days left and the nerves are really setting in. As I pack my last bit of necessities, sleeping is now officially difficult! My mind is filled with what do I need, when should I do this or that, the pets, and mostly...are you sure??? My plan is I am openly going to to visit my daughter and he thinks, a week or 2 and I will be back. What he does not know is that he will be served over that 2 week period and I will never come back.
However, as I am putting all this into a plan, something very peculiar is happening with my husband. He has seen to it that the 2 devices that receive (her) texts are sealed down and protected 24/7. No more is that cell phone left unattended for even a moment and if it is, it is passcode protected (it never was before SD came back in our lives, nor was mine)
Now we have this total distrust and deception in our home!
His iPad, same, passcode protected and now even the open notifications are turned off so I wont even see a preview of a text. Now mind you, he has 5 other computers. NONE of these are passcode protected. ONLY the ones that show texts. And he is acting funny. He had his phone on him all night last night, checking it CONSTANTLY! He's looking up stuff. I think he is making dinner reservations due to the fact that it is SO busy around here lately you can not get in to any restaurants.
Now he needs to know when EXACTLY I am leaving and I can just tell that his interest in my trip is very superficial and obligatory.
When he would usually be very concerned about when I am returning he casually said, "So I guess you'll be gone 2 weeks then?"
I did not reply instead changed the subject!
I have SO many emotions going through me...Gah..my house is so gorgeous! To leave it in his hands, in THEIR hands...makes me sick! I know he is planning to bring her into our home while Im gone and wont even show me the decency of telling me so. Honestly if he were making plans with a mistress it would not feel any different! I think he enjoys making me crazy with all this!
Any reassurance from y'all is much appreciated!
Jokingly say something about
Jokingly say something about him behaving like a man with something to hide, like a mistress ... and watch him scramble to explain everything away and RELISH that moment