A television series episode nailed it!
I've never seen anything like this on TV. I've been watching This Is Us on Netflix and today watched Season 3 Episode 8, oddly enough, with DH in the room. My husband is Miguel! He is Miguel in that he worked his butt off to provide for his kids, and the time he spent at times holding two jobs did mean that he wasn't "there" on a daily basis after divorce. . . and it was held against him like a weapon, something that will forever be conveniently resented and always referred to as "abandonment" (although BM cheated and ended the marriage, then moved to another state...never figured how her rewrite of history stuck). But Miguel at Thanksgiving dinner with his ingrate son--I nearly cheered!
The show touches on so many family issues and so pleasantly surprised me with now they handled this one. I've never seen this exact issue presented by Hollywood where the parent isn't made out to be the bad guy. Yes!
Did your DH recognize
Did your DH recognize thimself and the situation in the episode?
Yes! It was alarmingly
Yes! It was alarmingly familiar...every bit of it.
It is hard
As a parent admitting your flaws. But not learning from them is something else. H admits he was overly enmeshed with D when first got divorced but doesn't see it now. I am a jealous wife who finds fault with everyone. Lol.
It’s hard to juggle between
Money ...family time ... what's good... he held two jobs to provide exter money for the family as his DW was looking for something else. .. Money is good...but helping around the house is good also good....you can't snuggle up to money... This is a mistake..or just don't want to be home ...
I really didn't want to be home. Expecally with out money. I wanted the Adult vacation. Nice car to go work with. I didn't want to be in the middle of SK [ who I had no ciontrol over ] fighting. Like kids do.
Yea, an absent father in the
Yea, an absent father in the marital/family home is certainly not the ideal situation. Then there are dads believing that their primary role is provider. Due to the divorce and child support, plus other demands, my DH worked two jobs for a few years after the divorce just to make ends meet. He also paid for all visitation (travel). He later obtained a better position; still, his primary responsibility was financially taking care of the skids. Once he dated anyone, visitation to him stopped.
In both situations, the exes had no appreciation for the dads' efforts, generally cut the fathers out of holidays with their kids, and poisoned the kids against the dads and their new wives,
This is exactly what a
This is exactly what a visitation order is for. Box the CP in and keep a relationship between the NCP and the kids. If the CP fails to surrender the kid per the CO, beat them with a rolled up copy of the CO in front of the Judge.
Hold the CP to the exact letter of the CO, they violate, they face a contempt motion every time. Every time.
Just as the CP does if an NCP misses a Cent of CS.
Make sure the kids know, have a copy of the CO, know every violation of the CO perpetrated by the CP, know down to the penny what the NCP has provided to the CP for the support of their children. Make sure that they know it all. In an age appropriate manner.
A kid asking a CP where the $xxx,xxx.xx in CS that their NCP has paid to the CP when the CP starts the poor mouth "Your NCP is a deadbeat, doesn't love you, etc..." crap starts is a great thing to bring into play to keep the toxic under control.
When SS started this informed response to manipulation by the SpermClan, it was a joy to behold the fallout. When they would whine that CS was taking food out of the three younger half sib's mouths, it wasn' fair that SS had nice things and they didn't, etc... SS asking how $133/mo in CS kept them from feeding and clothing his sister and brothers would cause cranial explosions of monumental proportions when SS was on SpermLand visitation. SS knowing the full meal deal facts inside out, upside down, and backwards gave him the ability to protect himself from their visitation tirades, maniplations, lies, and PAS attempts. All it would have taken for them to be important in his life would have been for them to STFU and just enjoy the time he was in SpermLand. For some reason they would rather repeat their crap than just spend time with him. He loved them intensly until they killed that with their crap.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
You are right--and there are
You are right--and there are too regularly other things that come into play. All of this started and was going on long before I entered the picture. Whenever DH even disagreed with his ex or balked at yet another financial demand, the ex would run to the kids (who were 7 and 10 at the time of the divorce)--her lifelong MO--and talk to them like they were her peers and, mostly, her protectors. This dynamic appears to be in full force today, although we, of course, have zero contact with her. The full-blown parental alienation that DH experienced 8 years later, after we married, had been carefully prepped for in the early years. Our marriage shredded some of the puppet strings and he had to pay. Nothing like getting a child on the phone crying to daddy after being fed lies. That happened multiple times. It was nothing less than evil.
I never thought that I would have handled the situation the way my husband did; in fact, in the early days, I used to tell him he was "mishandling" things. Our marriage came close to crumbling from the pressure back then. But I also wasn't in his shoes. The state where he and the ex divorced was not and is not a father-friendly place. Around that time, we were also friends with two married couples who were dealing with high-conflict bio-moms in court, guns (figuratively) blazing. Both lost enormous amounts of money with nothing (but debt) to show for it. I had suggested that my DH join a fathers rights group during those times, as we were hearing other horror stories.
We are both happy those early days of this BS are well behind us. Unfortunately, though (or I wouldn't be here), there is still the fallout, but I guess it's more like dark clouds passing through now and then.
I'm still here nearly 14yrs
I'm still here nearly 14yrs after SS aged out from under the CO.
Though he is a good man doing well in his adult life, he and we still have occassional challenges caused by... them. Not anything active these days, but some sorrow that lingers and periodically surfaces.
His life is good, our life and marriage is good. They (The SpermClan) remain the stench that occassionally wafts through our life and family rose garden.
So to speak.
I know full well that my blended family experience is far different than most.
First, DW had full physical and legal custody when we met when SS was 15mos old. We married less than a week before his 2nd B-day.
Second, DW had moved out of the State of SpermLand for University with SS on her hip. We met there. We never lived nearer than 1200 miles to SpermLand.
Third and most critcically, We agreed that if we were to be equity life partners that we were also equity parents to any kids in our home and marriage. Regardless of kid biology.
As it turned out, SS is our only child.
In addition, you are clear
In addition, you are clear about where you stand, and I assume your wife is, too! Not driven primarily by emotion but by rationality and thought. It's a real skill! People with clear and strong boundaries rarely get walked all over. I have a response in General Discussion re: your post about how much do we tolerate. It's kind of funny now.
Yes she is. Often far more
Yes she is. Often far more so than I am. SS always preferred when I took the parenting and discipline lead when he was young. I am an address the issue and move on parent/disciplinarian. My DW is a lecture, recycle, lecture, recycle, invoke hell, recycle.... parent and disciplinarian.