TEENAGE PEE-PEE GAMES
SD18, called her father last Thursday because she wanted to spend time with him on Saturday. He in turn told her that he had plans. She hit the roof, "But I haven't seen you in a week, and I'm starting a new job soon and I won't get to see you for a while." He again told her, "I have plans, we'll see each other when we see each other." (He and I were going out of town for the weekend.) The next day, she posted on her FB account, about how when she made her decision to move out or our home, he promised her their relationship wouldn't change, and how she... is not the liar. :sick: He called her on it. Told her that they discussed FB postings and how inappropriate her post was. She had better take it off or he will delete her from his account. He will not fall pray to
emotional blackmail. She, hung up on him.
I am so proud of him. THIS... was huge for him. Setting boundaries. HUGE.
During our weekend away, she called. Apparently they kissed and made up. I asked if she appololgized and he said "NO.. she won't appologize for anything, her just calling is enough appology" errrrr NO, not in my book. An appology requires and act of contrition and a heart felt conversation. But.. oh well.. Rome wasn't built in a day. We were making progress. He set a boundary.
Last nite, arggh. Every Wednesday is date night for us. My children are little and go with their father for visitations. So DH and I.... we usually head to the local coffee shop. We've been doing this for the past 5 years. Most of our friends are there Wednesday nights. It's like a huge episode of "CHEER'S" where everyone know's everyone.
And who decided to show up???? SD18 and her BF. Really???? She pulled DH away for nearly 45 minutes. I was livid. My GF's sitting at the table ALL watched the situation with bated breath. They all told me to stand down and let it go. Are you kidding me?????
"IF" I say anything, then I look like the jealous SM and... SD18 will know she got a direct hit. However if I "DO NOT" say anything it will continue. She, was obviously paying me back for this past weekend.
So.. I decided to tell him how I felt. It would be like me walking into the same restaurant that my X took the kids to. Everyone would be uncomfortable. I wouldn't do it. OR... conversely, if S18 and BM frequented a particular restaurant every Tuesday night and DH and I went there on purpose. Its just not done, I do not want to intrude upon my X, his X, nor do I want to be intruded on. PERIOD.
DH.. didn't beleive any of it. He told me that I think too much. Arggghhhh. That pisses me off, when they don't consider your thoughts and feelings. When they invalidate you.
MY DH of course believes his princess can't do anything wrong. And even though I see it, he doesn't see any malicous intent on her part. He typically... typically predictably takes her side. No matter what it is he takes her side.
With my DH... it seems like it's a contant battle to get my point across. After this evenigns confrontation between he and I. He finally calmed down an hour later, to tell me... "he see's my point. He never considered it that way." and he said he'll talk to her.
Is talking to her going to work???? no. How long will this be going on I asked him????? he said he'll just keep at her until she gives up. hmmmm yes but I don't know how much more "I" can take.
I love the man. I simply adore him. If I didn't, I would so have walked away, long before NOW.
You have to ignore her. It's
You have to ignore her. It's so hard but if you don't it'll just eat you up. I tell myself this over and over. Tonight my stupid skids did something to irritate me again and the entire meal and halfway home I ignored it and refused to say a word then I just haaaaaad to bring it up. The second I did I wished I'd left it alone because I knew I wouldn't win... I couldn't push too hard, it's fathers day weekend. And he wasn't going to see it my way because they're precious and I can afford it.... Grrrrrrrrr.
His threatening to "shut
His threatening to "shut down" her FB page unless she deletes her post is an empty threat. It seems that a better way to approach that issue would be to talk calmly and openly about it, discussing how it made him feel, instead of dancing around it and giving ultimatums.
I don't understand why you were so upset that his daughter and her boyfriend "showed up" at the same coffeehouse Wed. evening. If you've been doing that for the last five years, then his daughter knows that's where her dad would probably be. Jesus, you just came back from a weekend together. You couldn't reschedule your weekly date just this once so that he could talk to his kid for 45 minutes? And did you really expect him to ignore her when she's there in person? If I would've been in that situation, I would've spent that time talking to my kid too. My DH would just have to deal with it. But then, my DH wouldn't get upset over something like that, especially after having just gotten back from a weekend getaway with each other.
And I'm sorry, but how was it like "intruding on your Ex"? This is his DAUGHTER, not an ex-girlfriend. Totally different family/relationship dynamic. It does seem like you're coming across as being jealous of his relationship with his daughter.
You should learn how to let go of things. I find that when I let go of the belief that I know better how someone else should be handling a particular issue and when I stop caring so much about how a certain issue should be handled, I'm so much happier. You'd be much happier if you weren't so concerned about what other people are doing and how they're doing it.
"Wish you luck. Wish us all
"Wish you luck. Wish us all luck!"
I don't understand why the need for all this drama. Maybe I was/am naive but I couldn't see any of this coming. The worst thing I thought I'd have to deal with is an irrate "X" or uncomfortable feelings during those times that we are all in the same breathing space or room. IE... are kids graduations, weddings, chrisenings. That sort of thing.
THIS..... This is a$$inine. What did I do so wrong? I fell in love with her Dad. I envision myself getting old with him, sharing a life with him. Is it so wrong, for us to want to be "happy" ??? Nothing changes... they will always be father/daughter.
What I see happened in our case was.............. DH's marriage was on the rocks. Neither the wife or he had the 'balls' to admit it. Neither knew how to fix it, or maybe they tried and it didn't work. They were both, "STUCK." Stuck in a loveless marriage and the ONLY thing they had in common was their children. ONE spouse took one daughter under her wing. And he??? DH took the other under his wing. He spent all of his time with SD18. He took her on vacation with him 5 years running. Didn't take the wife. He took the daughter.
When they finally split... each spouse took a daughter. The girls are divided too, they have competed against each other their entire teen lives. THIS... will go on into adulthood. Wrong??? yep. He see's that now. All the marital problems they had blinded them to what they are did.
Then I come along and fall in love with him. LOVE should be easy. None of this drama should be happening. And short of leaving... short of walking away... I don't know how to deal with it. He's happy. We're happy. Why can't she see that? No one is threatening her relationship with him.
"I thought perhaps my SD has
"I thought perhaps my SD has issues because she's an only child." Odd that my SD is an only child too and it has been hell. I agree - these marriages should come with a warning and SD's who are only children are the pitbulls of the pack.
"Beware: Stepchild in
"Beware: Stepchild in rearview mirror is more volatile to your marriage than they appear" or "Stepdaughters are dangerous to your health."
OHHHH I love these quotes !!! they made me smile. Thank you.
It's father's day. : ( Sad
It's father's day. : ( Sad because, my girls are going off to spend the day with their father. Sad because DH is going off to spend the day with SD18.
DH had a long talk this morning. We've been talking all weekend. None of us bargained for any of this.
None of us planned on it as kids did we? We all thought we'd grow up to be firemen, nurses, doctors, teachers or what have you, and we'd have "leave it to beaver" families, houses with white picket fences in the burbs and we'd be happy.
Boy oh boy were we sold a bill of goods.
My DH... gets it. At least he say's he does, and I hope to God he isn't, "YES'ing" me. He said, he too felt uncomfortable when SD18 came up to the coffee shop. Had our relationship been where it was a few months ago, NO BIG DEAL. You see, she cooked up a whole bunch of drama before she moved out 2 months ago. "SHE" made the decision to put her big girl panties on and move out. GREAT. "ROCK ON WITH YOUR BAD A$$ INDEPENDANT SELF" I say. If you think at 18 you have what it takes to make it out there on your own, cause you don't need rules and boundaries, have at it. BUT.... what she did at the same time is SLAM the door on me. She doesn't want to see my face ever again. Really??? how's that gonna work out for all of our futures????? You are adult enough to move out, but you arn't adult enough to play by adult rules??? She doesn't get it... I am not going anywhere.
I may not have given birth to her. But I am her daddy's MATE and I deserve respect. Just as he does from my children. He may not be their BIO dad, but he does everything a dad should do, he does more than thier bio dad cause why??? cause he's stepped up to the plate. We BOTH stepped up to the plate.
He and I.. agreed "WE" are a team. When all is said and done, we plan on getting old together. We plan on being here for one another. Our kids will go out into the world and carve out lives of their own, have mates of their own, children of thier own... and create thier own world. Where does that leave us??? at their beck and call???? baby sitting their kids??? getting a card for grand parents day??? invited to dinner once a year for Thanksgiving. What about our lives??? are "WE" not allowed to live??? are we not allowed to be "HAPPY" ???????
I told him... "She is always, always gonna be your daughter, but being a parent doesn't END at 18... You "STILL" have to set boundaries, and you lead by example, YOU show them how to live. Odd's are... one of our four combined children WILL BE divorced one day. Sad.. but true. ODDS are... they will have the same issues WE face today. And... depending how gracefully you and I react.... that is how they will deal as well.
We have agreed to go to counseling to learn some new skills. Skills our parents didn't have to transfer to us. Dealing with divorce and our combined kids.
I am praying.... praying praying praying... he isn't yessing me. That he truly means what he says, and does what he says. Gads.. parenting is tough enough. Step parenting??? Its not for the weak that's for sure, you have to have a brass set before you sign on to this ride, that's for sure.