just how the adult stepkids have acted towards their father getting remarried...especially the adult step-daughters...how you have handled their behavior...how your dh treats them...how you felt at first...did you move into dh's home or get a totally different home...etc....
One thing which is always in the back of the kids minds is Dad's or Mom's inheritance. Having a sit down including the new finace or spouse and laying out how the kids inheritance will be protected can sooth a lot of concerns right off the bat.
The best vehicle is a living trust whereby the childs parent controls the assets until they die at which time the new spouse may continue to have use of the assets (house for instance) until s/he dies at which time the house goes to the kids.
Whatever the deal is if the kids see the new spouse sitting there while its all laid out a lot of resentment disappears.
That all depends if the skids are or aren't rational. The only thing my skids want is for me to get NOTHING. DH set up a trust so that all of his wife's assets will go to his children and that includes the house. When he dies, the house goes to his kids. I can live there, but they own the house, not me. His kids consider all of their dad's assets their mom's and theirs. If I get one penny from DH when he dies, they will be furious.
I'm not wanting to take DH's late wife's money. I only want to make sure that my children and I are financially secure if something did happen to him, and he is older than I am. But god forbid he died tomorrow, my children and I would be homeless. All because he won't tell his kids to suck it up and accept that some money may end up going to me so that he can provide for his wife in the situation where he suddenly passes away.
DH was process to adopt my kids. They see him as their dad and he wanted to make that official. But his two sons went crazy when they heard and gave him so much grief because they were afraid my small kids would steal their mom's money.
Seriously, don't have discussions about this. Tell the kids it's private and to STFU about it or they will be disinherited. The best way to handle it is to make an inheritance conditional on behavior. My kids love DH and treat him so well. His kids are horrible to him and guilt him over their mother's death. It's so unfair my kids get nothing and his kids already have so much money, went to expensive schools, were handed expensive cars when they graduated and they're going to get even richer when Dh passes away.
The biggest issue for my adult stepdaughters has nothing to do with finances; it is their loyalty to their mother and how they perceive their dad as erasing her (and them) by loving and marrying me. Oldest SD has blogged awful things about me, been consistently rude and avoids all family events if I am present. Younger SD lives across the country and is civil when we meet. We have been accused of acting like teenagers and wanting to go everywhere together (we are newlyweds) and I have been informed by both skids that I will never be any kind of family. Among other issues, oldest feels we should have pictures of her mother in our home (DH relocated and we live in mine) and has been vicious about it. We have no pictures up presently, but have agreed family pictures which include their mother are fine, if we decide to put any up. I have drawn the line at "couple" or wedding pictures because I don't believe they are appropriate. DH and SDs are free to keep them, just not up in our home. I lost DH to his late wife twice when we were young and don't feel the need to see pictures of them as a couple on my walls. I am VERY aware that he was happily married for 30 years to a woman he loved deeply (and chose over me) and don't need pictures to remind me that he is in my life only because she died.
Don't have any advice on handling this as it has been 3 years since Skids learned about me and 18 mos. since we married, and nothing has improved. The one thing which makes all the difference is that DH is firm that his daughters don't get a vote in how he lives his life. He has apologized for not always being as sensitive to their feelings in communicating as he might have been, but has also made it clear that he would not change the decisions he has made about me, nor would he change the timeline of our getting together and marrying. He has told them both that he will always be their father but I am his wife and if they cannot find a way to act in a socially acceptable manner, they cannot be part of his life. The bottom line is that, in theory, they want him to be happy and don't want him to be alone, but the reality of us as a couple is very difficult for them to accept. In their minds, DH has betrayed their mother and their family by loving me and moving forward with his life. They see this relationship as necessarily excluding the other despite our reassurances that it simply isn't so. I would like to say that our continued efforts to make all of this easier on them have made a difference but they haven't. It doesn't matter how much DH talks with them or tries to reassure them, or how much time he tries to spend with them without me; they can only see that they have lost both parents, in different ways. Hopefully time, patience and maturity will help but I am not holding my breath. In the meantime, I have an incredible husband, two wonderful daughters of my own and a great life. I cannot ask for more.
We have been married for 8 years. His children were all adults when their mother passed and had relationships of their own...DH sons never lived in this house and his daughter only live here for 2 years...Each of DH's children were giving a large portion of their mother's 401k...paid for OSS and SD down payment on their homes and paid YSS out of credit card debt...my bd was 11 when we got married and we moved into his house...i was not allowed to change anything in house for the first 2 years because it might make the SKIDs uncomfortable...then when we started repainting and things, SKIDS got their mother's things and pictures...there are still family pics upon the walls to this day....SD was evicted from her apartment and all of her deceased mother's furniture that she had been given was thrown away by the landlord because of how filthy it was...she has not told her father what happened to these things and i am not going to...i think it best if he finds out that it comes from someone besides me...also SD's car got repo'd and she got a car from me...never paid for it and it is now trashed beyond repair...SS disowned their father because they say I disrespected their mother by changing things in house and removing her items (which they and SD received)...SD says horrible things about me and has cut off any contact with me including any contact with grandkids (that i took care of everyday from the time they were 6 weeks old)..she still messages DH from time to time..to tell him more garbage about me, how broke she is, blah blah blah...
What do you want to know? I have 3 adult skids. l have nothing to do with me after I married their father and were estranged for 5 years until Dh went crawling back to them begging them to forgive him and let him see his grandkids. They haven't stepped foot in our house in 7 years. Dh flies out to see them and spends weeks at a time visiting them without me. The skids make it conditional on me not coming. Dh could only go to his daughter's wedding if me and my kids did not come. If Dh tries to press the matter, the skids stop talking to him.
They believe that DH remarrying was the ultimate betrayal of their mother and want him as the grieving widower mourning his wife for the rest of his life. They cannot except that DH is happier with me than he was their mother and that he's an active dad to my kids when he was working 80 hour weeks when married to their mom to support their rich lifestyle and pay for all their private schools, snowboarding and riding lessons.
I have the same problems, when the BM died my SD started putting all her pictures up in my house especially the ones where my OH and BM were getting wed, hugging or kissing, my OH said oh its just they want their BM things around but I know she was having a dig at me, she has now moved out and guess what the pictures did not go with her! I came back from work and she had put her BM cushions on my sofa and table lamps in the sitting room! It just gets 100x worse when the BM dies, skids get nastier and even more manipulative as the fight for the fathers affections becomes 100% instead of 50%. Good luck my advice would be to get out while you have your sanity, I have been through hell and back for the last 8 years, I have never been so miserable in my life, my house is no longer my home, my money is used to fund the brats who hate me and I have been pushed out like an outsider and to this day its where I have remained. My words of wisdom used to be keep being nice it will one day pay off but it never has for me, I wish I had fought back, spoken my mind as after all you are always the wicked step mother even if you are nice, so dig your heels in fight for your rights I regret not doing it.
It is sad isn't it. I am in the same boat. YSD (25)daughter (mother died) told me she didn't want to be part of our family. The first 2 years, I heard she doesn't know any better, cut her a break she just a kid (23). My heart broke for her because her mother died when she was 14yrs old. Some of it is my fault because I made allowances too. No more.
A wake up call for me was my BD and OSD (first marriage) asked me why YSD was treated with kid gloves.
I thought it wouldn't be as difficult marrying a widower. Got that wrong!
H wife died 5 yrs ago.
We went together to let his married kids know that we were getting married.Son and daughter both said they had no problem with it.Wedding was a year ago this Aug.Since then everything has gone downhill. I should have clued in when SD ask me who was going to pay for my funeral, since I was undergoing radiation treatments at the time.She said that her mother worked all her life so her father could could have things( he worked all his life too) He sold the family home, lived in a small cottage he bought..then after we married he bought a house for us...after almost 6 years , she still considers that it was bought with her mothers money.Anyway, I told her nicely not to worry that if I died my kids would take care of things.I realize now she was thinking that if I died that her dad would spend money on my funeral that would take away from her inheritance.
It takes a while to get to know that these adult kids are not ever going to be happy that daddy is remarried..they think that he has totally forgotten their mother.How could he, they were married 42 years.
SS never comes by,never calls nor speaks to me when we run in to him. H goes to his sons house on his own because his daughter-in-law thinks she is a Princess and causes shit with everyone, not just me.The whole family pussyfoots around her so they can see their little girl..I don't kiss anyones ass..sorry!!
SD is a control freak who is used to telling everyone what to do.I told her the first time she tried it with me that I wasn't going to put up with her lectures and advice.That's what she does with her kids and husband,nags,lectures and tries to control them...they tune her out or yell right back at her..I'd like to sell this place and move far away from the drama , but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.
Anyway he lets them think everything will go to them, but...he is so far in debt they will actually get nothing..good luck hun!
OMG Chickadee1444 that is awful what a disgusting human being your SD is, I do wonder would I have turned into a monster if I had a stepmother, I just hope she becomes a step one day and realises how tough it is.
"Adult" , (and I use the term loosely) SD32, SD29 were raised to be loving, kind and caring. Well, I have never seen that side of them. All I have seen is entitlement because Mom died 13 years before I met their father and I am going to pay for it until the day I die. SS34 has finally come around and realized what little snots they have been for years to me and has denounced them too. I finally disengaged 1 1/2 years ago after encouragement to do so from counselor and pastor. Never heard of disengaging until then. The last straw was when their father had cancer surgery last year and they didn't come see him at the hospital or call because I would be there. Instead, got 7 page long HATE letters how he must free himself from me. I was never ever anything but warm, welcoming and loving toward them and their children. (I probably made my own children vomit because I was never ever that nice to all of them! ) Glad I did it now. We've been married 10 years. Most of it hell. I brought more income, more assets and continue to be the top bread winner and it makes me sick to think they probably will get my hard earned money. I point this out because some of you have the problem of resentment that the new wife is spending all dad's money and their inheritance. All went to college, girls got their weddings, trips etc. My kids paid for their own college because they were in the military. I never "gave " them trips. I have always treated my husband very respectfully and we have a great time together. They have never witnessed any disrespect to their dad. You think they would be happy that Dad would not be alone anymore and have a happy life. Nope. I just hope someone treats them 1/10 as bad as they have treated me.
Could you be more specific?
Could you be more specific? Maybe if you gave more details, it would get you more answers to you question?
just how the adult stepkids
just how the adult stepkids have acted towards their father getting remarried...especially the adult step-daughters...how you have handled their behavior...how your dh treats them...how you felt at first...did you move into dh's home or get a totally different home...etc....
One thing which is always in
One thing which is always in the back of the kids minds is Dad's or Mom's inheritance. Having a sit down including the new finace or spouse and laying out how the kids inheritance will be protected can sooth a lot of concerns right off the bat.
The best vehicle is a living trust whereby the childs parent controls the assets until they die at which time the new spouse may continue to have use of the assets (house for instance) until s/he dies at which time the house goes to the kids.
Whatever the deal is if the kids see the new spouse sitting there while its all laid out a lot of resentment disappears.
That all depends if the skids
That all depends if the skids are or aren't rational. The only thing my skids want is for me to get NOTHING. DH set up a trust so that all of his wife's assets will go to his children and that includes the house. When he dies, the house goes to his kids. I can live there, but they own the house, not me. His kids consider all of their dad's assets their mom's and theirs. If I get one penny from DH when he dies, they will be furious.
I'm not wanting to take DH's late wife's money. I only want to make sure that my children and I are financially secure if something did happen to him, and he is older than I am. But god forbid he died tomorrow, my children and I would be homeless. All because he won't tell his kids to suck it up and accept that some money may end up going to me so that he can provide for his wife in the situation where he suddenly passes away.
DH was process to adopt my kids. They see him as their dad and he wanted to make that official. But his two sons went crazy when they heard and gave him so much grief because they were afraid my small kids would steal their mom's money.
Seriously, don't have discussions about this. Tell the kids it's private and to STFU about it or they will be disinherited. The best way to handle it is to make an inheritance conditional on behavior. My kids love DH and treat him so well. His kids are horrible to him and guilt him over their mother's death. It's so unfair my kids get nothing and his kids already have so much money, went to expensive schools, were handed expensive cars when they graduated and they're going to get even richer when Dh passes away.
The biggest issue for my
The biggest issue for my adult stepdaughters has nothing to do with finances; it is their loyalty to their mother and how they perceive their dad as erasing her (and them) by loving and marrying me. Oldest SD has blogged awful things about me, been consistently rude and avoids all family events if I am present. Younger SD lives across the country and is civil when we meet. We have been accused of acting like teenagers and wanting to go everywhere together (we are newlyweds) and I have been informed by both skids that I will never be any kind of family. Among other issues, oldest feels we should have pictures of her mother in our home (DH relocated and we live in mine) and has been vicious about it. We have no pictures up presently, but have agreed family pictures which include their mother are fine, if we decide to put any up. I have drawn the line at "couple" or wedding pictures because I don't believe they are appropriate. DH and SDs are free to keep them, just not up in our home. I lost DH to his late wife twice when we were young and don't feel the need to see pictures of them as a couple on my walls. I am VERY aware that he was happily married for 30 years to a woman he loved deeply (and chose over me) and don't need pictures to remind me that he is in my life only because she died.
Don't have any advice on handling this as it has been 3 years since Skids learned about me and 18 mos. since we married, and nothing has improved. The one thing which makes all the difference is that DH is firm that his daughters don't get a vote in how he lives his life. He has apologized for not always being as sensitive to their feelings in communicating as he might have been, but has also made it clear that he would not change the decisions he has made about me, nor would he change the timeline of our getting together and marrying. He has told them both that he will always be their father but I am his wife and if they cannot find a way to act in a socially acceptable manner, they cannot be part of his life. The bottom line is that, in theory, they want him to be happy and don't want him to be alone, but the reality of us as a couple is very difficult for them to accept. In their minds, DH has betrayed their mother and their family by loving me and moving forward with his life. They see this relationship as necessarily excluding the other despite our reassurances that it simply isn't so. I would like to say that our continued efforts to make all of this easier on them have made a difference but they haven't. It doesn't matter how much DH talks with them or tries to reassure them, or how much time he tries to spend with them without me; they can only see that they have lost both parents, in different ways. Hopefully time, patience and maturity will help but I am not holding my breath. In the meantime, I have an incredible husband, two wonderful daughters of my own and a great life. I cannot ask for more.
We have been married for 8
We have been married for 8 years. His children were all adults when their mother passed and had relationships of their own...DH sons never lived in this house and his daughter only live here for 2 years...Each of DH's children were giving a large portion of their mother's 401k...paid for OSS and SD down payment on their homes and paid YSS out of credit card debt...my bd was 11 when we got married and we moved into his house...i was not allowed to change anything in house for the first 2 years because it might make the SKIDs uncomfortable...then when we started repainting and things, SKIDS got their mother's things and pictures...there are still family pics upon the walls to this day....SD was evicted from her apartment and all of her deceased mother's furniture that she had been given was thrown away by the landlord because of how filthy it was...she has not told her father what happened to these things and i am not going to...i think it best if he finds out that it comes from someone besides me...also SD's car got repo'd and she got a car from me...never paid for it and it is now trashed beyond repair...SS disowned their father because they say I disrespected their mother by changing things in house and removing her items (which they and SD received)...SD says horrible things about me and has cut off any contact with me including any contact with grandkids (that i took care of everyday from the time they were 6 weeks old)..she still messages DH from time to time..to tell him more garbage about me, how broke she is, blah blah blah...
What do you want to know? I
What do you want to know? I have 3 adult skids. l have nothing to do with me after I married their father and were estranged for 5 years until Dh went crawling back to them begging them to forgive him and let him see his grandkids. They haven't stepped foot in our house in 7 years. Dh flies out to see them and spends weeks at a time visiting them without me. The skids make it conditional on me not coming. Dh could only go to his daughter's wedding if me and my kids did not come. If Dh tries to press the matter, the skids stop talking to him.
They believe that DH remarrying was the ultimate betrayal of their mother and want him as the grieving widower mourning his wife for the rest of his life. They cannot except that DH is happier with me than he was their mother and that he's an active dad to my kids when he was working 80 hour weeks when married to their mom to support their rich lifestyle and pay for all their private schools, snowboarding and riding lessons.
I have the same problems,
I have the same problems, when the BM died my SD started putting all her pictures up in my house especially the ones where my OH and BM were getting wed, hugging or kissing, my OH said oh its just they want their BM things around but I know she was having a dig at me, she has now moved out and guess what the pictures did not go with her! I came back from work and she had put her BM cushions on my sofa and table lamps in the sitting room! It just gets 100x worse when the BM dies, skids get nastier and even more manipulative as the fight for the fathers affections becomes 100% instead of 50%. Good luck my advice would be to get out while you have your sanity, I have been through hell and back for the last 8 years, I have never been so miserable in my life, my house is no longer my home, my money is used to fund the brats who hate me and I have been pushed out like an outsider and to this day its where I have remained. My words of wisdom used to be keep being nice it will one day pay off but it never has for me, I wish I had fought back, spoken my mind as after all you are always the wicked step mother even if you are nice, so dig your heels in fight for your rights I regret not doing it.
It is sad isn't it. I am in
It is sad isn't it. I am in the same boat. YSD (25)daughter (mother died) told me she didn't want to be part of our family. The first 2 years, I heard she doesn't know any better, cut her a break she just a kid (23). My heart broke for her because her mother died when she was 14yrs old. Some of it is my fault because I made allowances too. No more.
A wake up call for me was my BD and OSD (first marriage) asked me why YSD was treated with kid gloves.
I thought it wouldn't be as difficult marrying a widower. Got that wrong!
H wife died 5 yrs ago. We
H wife died 5 yrs ago.
We went together to let his married kids know that we were getting married.Son and daughter both said they had no problem with it.Wedding was a year ago this Aug.Since then everything has gone downhill. I should have clued in when SD ask me who was going to pay for my funeral, since I was undergoing radiation treatments at the time.She said that her mother worked all her life so her father could could have things( he worked all his life too) He sold the family home, lived in a small cottage he bought..then after we married he bought a house for us...after almost 6 years , she still considers that it was bought with her mothers money.Anyway, I told her nicely not to worry that if I died my kids would take care of things.I realize now she was thinking that if I died that her dad would spend money on my funeral that would take away from her inheritance.
It takes a while to get to know that these adult kids are not ever going to be happy that daddy is remarried..they think that he has totally forgotten their mother.How could he, they were married 42 years.
SS never comes by,never calls nor speaks to me when we run in to him. H goes to his sons house on his own because his daughter-in-law thinks she is a Princess and causes shit with everyone, not just me.The whole family pussyfoots around her so they can see their little girl..I don't kiss anyones ass..sorry!!
SD is a control freak who is used to telling everyone what to do.I told her the first time she tried it with me that I wasn't going to put up with her lectures and advice.That's what she does with her kids and husband,nags,lectures and tries to control them...they tune her out or yell right back at her..I'd like to sell this place and move far away from the drama , but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.
Anyway he lets them think everything will go to them, but...he is so far in debt they will actually get nothing..good luck hun!
OMG Chickadee1444 that is
OMG Chickadee1444 that is awful what a disgusting human being your SD is, I do wonder would I have turned into a monster if I had a stepmother, I just hope she becomes a step one day and realises how tough it is.
"Adult" , (and I use the term
"Adult" , (and I use the term loosely) SD32, SD29 were raised to be loving, kind and caring. Well, I have never seen that side of them. All I have seen is entitlement because Mom died 13 years before I met their father and I am going to pay for it until the day I die. SS34 has finally come around and realized what little snots they have been for years to me and has denounced them too. I finally disengaged 1 1/2 years ago after encouragement to do so from counselor and pastor. Never heard of disengaging until then. The last straw was when their father had cancer surgery last year and they didn't come see him at the hospital or call because I would be there. Instead, got 7 page long HATE letters how he must free himself from me. I was never ever anything but warm, welcoming and loving toward them and their children. (I probably made my own children vomit because I was never ever that nice to all of them!
) Glad I did it now. We've been married 10 years. Most of it hell. I brought more income, more assets and continue to be the top bread winner and it makes me sick to think they probably will get my hard earned money. I point this out because some of you have the problem of resentment that the new wife is spending all dad's money and their inheritance. All went to college, girls got their weddings, trips etc. My kids paid for their own college because they were in the military. I never "gave " them trips. I have always treated my husband very respectfully and we have a great time together. They have never witnessed any disrespect to their dad. You think they would be happy that Dad would not be alone anymore and have a happy life. Nope. I just hope someone treats them 1/10 as bad as they have treated me.