Son is making me choose between and stepdad/spouse
Hi, I'm new to the forum.
My husband is a stepdad to my 2 older kids. My first husband left me when my daughter was 3 and I was pregnant with our second.
My husband and I met when my kids were 5 and 2. We married 6 years later. We have been married now for 24 years. We also had 2 children. My older kids saw their bio dad on weekends. They called their stepdad dad. They didn't seem to mind. My husband and I have had a rocky relationship with my older son. He has been kicked out of high school for doing pot. He has been fired from several jobs. He blames everyone for his behaviour. I had to kick him out of the house when he was 18 because he was doing drugs in the house and we had 2 small children at home.
He is now 32. He lives with his girlfriend and recently had a baby. He told me that I can see the baby but his stepdad can't. He said he finds him too negative and doesn't want him in his life or his childs. I told him that I'm not dividing the family. My husband financially supported him as I was a stay at home mom. My husband has helped paid his debt and raised him like his own. I'm at my wits end as to what to do. My husband is very hurt but told me I could go see him if I want. I feel like I'm betraying him by going but I hate not seeing my grandchild.
My son will not budge. I've pleaded with him to change his mind. Do I go or do I stand by my husband? I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I woiuld be all in on
I woiuld be all in on supporting your own marriage and having your DH's back. Your failed family progeny son is a POS and you will not be able to counter that as he is a breeding adult. Sadly, you will also not be able to rescue your GK from the baby's own father.
I cannot even fathom the misery that would rain down on me if I tried to tell either of my parents that their mate was not welcome in my life and tried to force my mom or my dad to choose me and mine over their life partners.
A bit more of a simple situation that the one you are in. My mom and dad are married to each other. 62 years this year.
I am so sorry that your son is such a POS as to pull this crap with you.
If I were your DH, I would send him a bill for the full amount of support I provided for him since he was 5yo. Every penny. THen on page two I would have accrued interest added to the principal I had wasted on that POS. To make a point and to highlight that I was far from a negative influence on his life. I would make that message as constant as I possibly could for the rest of my SS's miserable life. Until he quit being a toxic moron.
Grrrrrrr.
Take care of you, take care of your marriage. Let your POS child go down in flames. As he in all liklihood will. Taking his marriage with him.
Maybe then, you can have a relationship with your GK.
It is no loss to you to write off this kid. It is his loss. It is also his choice. Make him live the consequences of that choice.
IMHO of course.
Thanks for the reply. It
Thanks for the reply. It helps to know I am doing the right thing. The GK is already 7 months old and I haven't met her. It hurts my heart to not be able to see her. My son emails me and tells me what a POS I am for not going and that I'll have to live with the consequences. He blames me for his so called crappy childhood. He now has a better relationship with bio dad, the one who left me when i was pregnant with him. So unbelievable.
Your son has a history of
Your son has a history of making bad choices - this is just the latest one. I'm pretty sure you'll get to see your grandchild on your terms when your son decides he needs a babysitter... Stick to your guns and remember all that your husband has done over the years for two kids that weren't even his. If your son doesn't want him in his life well ... that's his loss. Sad to say that his child could probably do with a decent father figure in her/his life.
Please support your marriage.
Please support your marriage. DH is the one who has always been there for you.
Welcome to StepTalk. I agree
Welcome to StepTalk. I agree with everyone else. Your husband comes first. My DH and I learned that the hard way. His daughter decided to divide the family for a celebration because she was mad at me. I loved my SD, but knew she could be manipulative and that she was putting his loyalty to the test. I asked DH to put his foot down and not go, but he went anyway, thinking he could "smooth over" the situation. You can read my blogs for the whole terrible saga if you're interested, but the bottom line is, his making that decision reinforced SD's behaviour, and her behaviour was specifically meant to hurt me. And that was soul crushing. It sounds like your son is doing the same thing. It sounds like he's had resentment toward your DH and he's using his new baby as a weapon. Please don't reinforce that. It will only lead to further manipulation by your son and heartache for your DH (who sounds like a keeper).
Wow, it's so hard to believe
Wow, it's so hard to believe how kids can grow up to be so manipulative. I'm so sorry you went through that. My GK is 7 months old and I haven't met her. It's so hard not to fold. My DH supported him most of his life. I can't believe my son can be so cold hearted towards him and allowing his daughter to not be with our family. I'm trying to figure how to email him to make it clear he can't manipulate us. I don't want to close the door forever on the possibility of a reconciliation.
I'll check out your previous blog. Thanks for the input.
I don't have any grandkids
I don't have any grandkids yet so I can only imagine how painful this must be for you. When you email your son, communicate your boundaries (ie, you and DH are a partnership) even if you're sure he won't respect them. At the end of the day, if he chooses to not respect the boundaries then he's made his choice.
Tough Situation
that your 32 year old son has put you in. With that said, this is a decision that needs to be made with your husband completey being "heard." I"m in the same "boat" as your DH currently.
First, my marriage has always been my priority. Early on in our dating days, I was clear with my kids...you may not like DH but you WILL respect him in our home and my life or it WILL impact our relationships. I set the foundation. Today, my kids love DH and have great adult relationships with him.
Had one of my kids tried what your son is doing-this would be close to what I'd say: "It's unfortunate that you feel the way you do considering my DH supported you financially and emotionally throughout your childhood. You made some bad choices and you suffered the consequences. That is on YOU, not him. For you to punish my DH for your mistakes is wrong and I will not tolerate it. It breaks my heart but I will abide by your request and I will also stay away." (Again, thankfully, this is not an issue with my kids.)
On the other hand, my DHs kids shunned me from the grandkids and any interactions. My DH choose to let his kids "rule" rather than stand strong for me and our marriage. Today, while we have a good marriage, THAT decision still impacts us and will always impact us NEGATIVELY. I haven't seen most of DHs kids in 6+ years. There are mulitple grandkids now. I met two last year...one was 5 years old...there is no connection and it's extremely awkward. DH travels cross country to see them without me. Or if they visit this area, he travels an hour away to see them on their "turf." They don't come to our home. His kids get the "fairy tale" family they want...CajunMom doesn't exist in their world...just them and DH. It is a most ungodly situation we've dealt with these past 6 years.
Does that hurt still? You can bet it does. While the pain has lessened immensely (through a lot of counseling for myself), I am left to watch my DH interact with his kids in a way that I do not exist. I don't know how anyone could NOT hurt in this situation. So, remember your DH's heart as you make your decision that your son is forcing on you. Best to you. Again, I'm sorry for what your son is doing to you and your husband.
@CajunMom, I don't know how
@CajunMom, I don't know how you've survived it. You're better, stronger person than I am. I entertained the idea of supporting that kind of relationship between DH and his kids, but I know it would end our marriage. It would be a fresh cut to my soul and it took a long time to get my soul back after my first marriage ended. I'm okay with my DH meeting up with his kids/mother/sister for a coffee or a meal in a one-to-one situation. But not okay in him participating in anything would typically include a spouse.
Not Easy
It's been very difficult. My emotional heath took one hell of a hit early on in this mess but I've somehow learned to compartmentalize it all, if that makes sense. It's not as bad these days. I have forgiven all parties....but restoration of said relationships will never happen because I refuse to continue being the SOLE person working on the issues. Today, I just do my best to keep my life peaceful and especially inner being self.
Hugs.
Hugs.
@cajunmom- it'd be really
@cajunmom- it'd be really great if you ever felt inclined to go through the stages of grief to acceptance and what you did in each stage to get healthy or maybe things you did that were unhealthy but you recognized the pattern and fixed it. If you felt inclined to write a blog on it I'd really be interested. I think there's a lot of wisdom and help you could bring to some of us with your experience. And maybe we could all realize that our stories are a bit similar - You along with a few others on this site have really helped me create the boundaries I need and sometimes when someone tries to infiltrate my health boundaries I remeber folks like you, Rags and others whom help to pave the path towards greener pastures and clear skies. Still a work in progress, but every day stronger.
Thanks for the advice. I
Thanks for the advice. I never realized how much my DH would have to tolerate being a SD. I try to put myself in his shoes and I would be devastated if he saw a GK without me. It's hard to walk away from my son and his family but I need to put my DH first and pray that in time my son will come around.
it must be so hard for you to feel like a stranger with the GKids. A very painful situation. I hope you're taking care of yourself.
Keep reminding yourself that
Keep reminding yourself that you're not walking away from you son. He's walking away from you.
When SD was a teen and cut
When SD was a teen and cut us off, we saw a counselor (for that and BM harassment reasons), who suggested something that DH ultimately did: He sent her an email/letter that said something like, "We are here. We are not abusers nor are we criminals, and we will be here here for you." Simple statement that put it back on her and plainly stated the facts.
Someone mentioned needing a babysitter. People like your son, like my SD, come around when they need something. We heard from SD when she was ready to go to an out-of-state private college and needed cash. So, yea, your son and GF might "break" within months and want you to meet/watch the baby.
Sorry you're going through this.
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply. I was thinking of having my DH reach out to my son. He knows how my son feels about him so I'll have to see if he is willing to do that. It's a terrible thing when your adult kid treats family so badly.
This must be do difficult for
This must be do difficult for you and your husband. I agree that possibly a joint message of solidarity from you and your DH to your son might be in order. I am guessing that your husband was NOT in fact abusive to your kids.. didn't hit them.. wasn't belittling to them etc.. (obviously if he in fact was overly tough on the kids.. then your son could be resentful that you allowed it.. but the truth in your heart knows that your husband was a good man).
Son, I'm sorry that you are refusing to have us in your life. We both love you and have never wanted anything less than the best for you in your life. I'm sure you will find in time that it's not always easy to raise your kids when they decide to do things that are harmful to their future.. and that you will do the best you can in those situations.. just like we did. We were not abusive, we only want the best for you.. and your family. We are ready to be in your life when you want us to be there for you. We are a package deal though.. you can't pick and choose one of us to be excluded. We both love you and care for you.. and will be ready when you want to be in our lives again.
I so appreciate all the feedback
My DH was never abusive. He left the discipline to me. If anything he would shut down emotionally when the skids were hard to deal with. My older kids, now 35 and 32, have been in his life since they were 2 and 5. Thankfully my older daughter has a good relationship with my DH. My DH financially supported us all and took us on trips. My ex paid child support but tried to take us to court to have my DH pay for all the support. Thankfully the judge saw through that. My son is so much like his bio dad. Very manipulative. My son has also cut his older sister out of his life because he didn't agree with her getting the vaccine during Covid. So the only family my son has is his girlfriend's family and the bio dad who left me when I was pregnant with him. Go figure.
The joint email is a good idea. I'll definitely talk to my DH about it. I like how you worded it. Thank you for your input.
much appreciated.
IMHO the message hs to be
IMHO the message hs to be firm, and it has to come from you. Having your DH involved gives credence to your son's delusions that your DH is the problem.
DW and I met when SS-31 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. I raised him as my own.
The first semester of his Sr. year in HS his Spermidiot hacked the school firewall at the top 20 in the nation boarding school (Military) his mom and I provided. He failed the only class in that semester that he needed for gradaution at the end of the year. We decided that we were not going to spend the money to keep him there for an extra year and pulled him home at Christmas break. When his mom and I made that decision I told her that I was there for them but that the message had to come from her. Otherwise the risk of it being mean StepDad driven would be high. He never once gave me any of the "Your not my real dad" crap. Though certainly his SpermClan gave him that message periodically over the years. DW agreed that she had to be the one to nail him to the floor on the consequences for his choices. He loved the school. It was a heartbreaker for him to not go back.
That the message came from his mom and not from me, or from both of us, made a huge impression on him.
You jerking a knot in his tail will make a much bigger impression on him than if it comes from your DH or from both of you.
DW told him that it was her choice to bring him home at Winter break and that I agreed.
Boys disappointing their mom's take heed of disappointed mom's given them clarity. Use that.
As others have said, it is not you staying out of his life (and the not knowing your GK), it is him removing himself from your life.
Do not cave, do not let the feelings distract you from parenting. Sadly, there are some kidults who never evolve beyond needing fuff love parenting. My guess is your toxic son is one of those. That he purged his sister from his life over a vaccine is patheticially telling about how much of an idiot he is. Now that he has a baby, I would pile that on to him by highlighting that his sister protects herself and his child by being vaccinated and if he is not, he is jeopartizing the well being of his child.
Regardless of your stance on vaccinations, the logic supports your position on maintaining a foot up his toxic idiot butt.
I have sent him many emails
I have sent him many emails standing firm to not see him if DH was not welcome. He replies with hateful emails. He said I made the choice to marry him and he did not. He said I'm choosing my DH over him and the GK and that im a crappy mother and grandmother for doing this. I always feel physically sick when I hear from him. I thought if my DH and I both sent another email together my son might have a change of heart. I feel like I'm walking a fine line.
Thanks for replying.
Don't let him put you in the
Don't let him put you in the middle. You had every right to marry the man of your choice. The only one making a choice in this situation is your son.
Frankly, he should be ashamed of himself. He doesn't have to like your husband but if he were a decent human being he would, at least, be polite and treat him decently. Not doing so is disrespectful to not only your husband but also to you.
Stop playing the e-mail and
Stop playing the e-mail and SMS game. Make him speak directly to you. He has balls via typed communication taht he likely will not have in direct conversation.
When SS-was on his final CO'd SpermLand visitation he called and asked to extent it by two weeks so he could be there for his birthday. He had never asked before. We agreed. To make sure he would have to tell us f2f if he wanted to remain in SpermLand after his 18th B-day DW traveled to SpermLand on the agreed upon pick up date. We flew my BIL2 out to visit us and DW and her brother road tripped 2400 miles with stops in various Nat Parks, etc... to SpermLand. I flew in to SpermLand the day after DW picked up SS and we road triped back on a family vacation. SS was decidedly quiet and brooding for the first couple of days of the return trip vacation. He started to return to his normal self when we walked up to the N. Rim of the Grand Canyon. That awed him back to his usual engaging excited self. Within a a day fo that he got a little morose again and confronted us telling us that he knew why his mom had come to get him. He was clear, he told us he knew who his family is and where his home is And ... that the SpermCLan and SpermLand were neither his real family nor his home. We knew he was struggling with growing up and that turning 18 and having to decide on what was next frightened the hell out of him. He was not avoidant to the point that he would have dived into the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and screwed up his life and future. Bit that the next nearly year was easy on him or us.
We forced direct communication and engagement. We did not allow that interace to be digital. Discussing is far more difficult to avoid than messages.
Yes, he only communicates by
Yes, he only communicates by email. I told him in my last email to him that further communication would have to be by phone or person. He again replied by email and ignored my request. I didn't respond.
Thanks for your advice. I hope your situation is getting better. These are never easy problems to solve if they ever do,
Thank you for the wishes of
Thank you for the wishes of better. The good news, we are empty nesters. SS is 31yo and a man of quality, character, honor and standing in his life, profession, and community. His mom and I are very proud of him.
His mom and I are very proud of him.
Sadly, he has almost zero interface with his BioDad and the SpermClan.
Everything folks are saying
Everything folks are saying above is SAGE advice and veterans of this process. Keep us updated on your journey, we're here to support you even if you mistakes happen along the way! Nothing to add because everything above is actually the path you should take.
You have to live your life
You have to have a place to live, eat, dress. Do things go out to eat, movies vacation ect. You do this with your DH Who had your back for many years. You know that your DS will try to control you more lf you fall for his crazy ways.
Yiu must have your DH back, you must respect him and what he did. He didn't have to be a father to DS.
'It's hard to not to see your GK. BUT it's not going to change your life. Disrespecting DH will change your life, with no way of going back. Thus would be unforgivable.
So the next time you are on the beach of some island, In a Trooicak Resort, with a umbrella drink. Thinking about what restaurants to eat tonight . Have a drink for GK, and DS crazy train
You're right. I took vows and
You're right. I took vows and I'm standing by my DH. It's hard. I always wanted the family to be close. My DH doesn't deserve to be treated so badly.Thanks for your input.
You have to consider, what
You have to consider, what will the next demand be? If you cave on this you will constantly be jumping thru this kids hoops. When my younger son and wife had baby, they said I had to come over and be supervised by them a few times, then maybe I could babysit for an hour. I passed, told them we could try when she was older.
So sorry this happened to you
So sorry this happened to you. You give everything to your kids and then they turn on you. Hopefully one day they have a conscience and realize how badly they treat family. It's terrible the Gkids have to pay the price.
They were just being hyper
They were just being hyper stupid new parents. They got over it!
Well done, Kloewent! And when
Well done, Kloewent! And when the new parents produce their second child, they'll be begging for a 'granny' sitter, regardless of the infant's age.
And BTW, Hon, in your post of Mon, 02/19/2024 - 2:02pm, I love how you used 'younger' instead of 'youngest' in reference to your two sons. As a lieutenant in the Grammar Police, the common misuse of younger/youngest is one of my bugbears.
Hang in there Capri. Your son
Hang in there Capri. Your son is asking you to choose between two people you love. Your DH isn't. As hard as it is, you may want to cease all communication with your son for a while. You can't unhear/unsee those nasty emails, and he can't take those things back, so it may be better to not give him anymore rope. For whatever reason, your son is angry and he's made your DH the scape goat. He wants to express that anger. Everytime you engage it gives him more opportunity to do that. From my own experience, it's unlikely he'll be any more reasonable in person. If I were you, I would simply tell him that you want to work things out and that he should let you know when he feels like he can have a calm and productive conversation. If my DH and I had done that from the beginning, we would have saved ourselves a lot of grief. We finally had to accept that every carefully worded attempt to reason with him was going to be met with nastiness.
You're right. I have to back
You're right. I have to back away. The emails are terrible. I feel sick whenever I see them. Perhaps I'll have to block them. I need to keep my sanity.
I hope your situation has gotten better.
thanks for sharing
Are your other kids defending
Are your other kids defending you and DH to their brother? I always wonder why they don't. As if negotiating with an emotional territorial is ok.
My younger kids are 22 and 21
My younger kids are 22 and 21. My daughter, the 22 year old, heard from him on her birthday. He told her she was welcome to see him and his family but mom, me, didn't want to see them. A complete lie. I explained it to her and she said she can't have a relationship with him. My 21 year old, a son, has never really had much of a relationship with him. So basically he has cut all of us out of his life. Very sad that he would do this to his own daughter.
thanks for replying. It always helps to get advice.
SS sounds like
He sounds like a total and utter emotional terrorist. You do not negotiate with Terrorists. Period.