Resentment
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How to deal with resentment. That's my issue of the day. Just as I am moving forward- another episode. DH and I agreed we would not attend any events that BM is at because she is all drama.Seemed to work out fine- we would just pick another day to celebrate a birthday or whatever. So I disengaged. All of a sudden DH wants to now attend GSKIDS birthday party. Maybe because I am out of the picture? Brought everything back up and we had it out. During the argument all I heard was his concern for his kids feelings.. Need some feedback.
Yeah they immediately go into
Yeah they immediately go into defense mode and are concerned about just their kid's feelings. I am thinking well what about my feelings. I would let if your DH wants to go to his kid's events who cares let him. You cannot convince them otherwise I do not think. I know I have had so many arguments about my skids behavior with my DH and it is excuse after excuse and frankly I am all so tired of it. The hard part is that we will have to deal with our DH's kids as long as we are married to them even if they are adults. When you say that you are out of the picture do you mean that you decided to disengage and not be a part of your skids and gskids lives?
Yes. I disengaged a while
Yes. I disengaged a while ago. Maybe since December? Easier than talking to the wall.
I am not sure that our DH's
I am not sure that our DH's are as concerned about their kids feelings as much as they are thinking about what is best for themselves - making sure they have easy access to their gkids, wanting to make sure BM does not gain additional favor in the eyes of the kids and gkids.
I think resentment is the hardest part of disengaging. I have not seen my OSD and her children in almost 2 years. The physical removal was easy. It's easy to say "let DH go on his own" but that comes at a price - resentment. I really did not get married to have my DH go on several trips and leave me at home because of his DDs histrionic and jealous behavior. I can see that it has lessened over time, however, as I have become more grateful to just not be in the presence of those drama- loving, spiteful people.
Unless you still think your DH harbors feelings for BM, I would let him go alone. This is not a "DH picking BM over you" situation, but rather him wanting to see his grandchild.
I personally would think
I personally would think about this in terms of hills to die on too. This is a party for a grandchild, not for "their" child. Unfortunately, if he puts a hard line in the sand as in "we will never go anywhere BM will be"... he is going to miss out on a lot of opportunities to spend time with his kids and grandkids. Perhaps that isn't realistic.
While I would probably balk at my DH going on a vacation or trip without me (where his EX would be present)... like a family reunion, family vacation, I don't think I would object to him going to a kid's birthday party for a few hours where there would likely be a lot of people from all sides of the family and friends.
Now, I might not go personally, but I wouldn't object to HIM going. I was invited to my OSD's baby shower, but did not attend. I sent her a nice gift and spoke with her and said that I thought it would be more comfortable for her mother if I wasn't there. I did attend the wedding and that went off with little interaction.
Believe me, my DH doesn't want to be anywhere that his EX is... but he would probably appreciate me being understanding when certain things come up like this party.
The resentment is always
The resentment is always there whenever birthdays and celebrations pop up. How we deal with it depends on past history (BM's drama) and future expectations, such as our DH's finally getting it (which they won't). What you are left with is whether to go and be miserable, or to stay home or find something else to do. I would go for the latter option. Leave the family to have their own party.
I have a BIG birthday coming up this weekend. I thought it would be mean not to invite skids and luckily the 'problem' one is away with her family so that got her out of the picture nicely. Of the other two I had no objection to YSD coming as we get on ok- but she hadn't replied until yesterday, so I thought she wouldn't be coming. Not so, she's coming and bringing her brother- SS who I have come to resent due to his lifestyle choices and constant need of daadddeees time and money.
As soon as I found out he was coming the old resentment 'bubbled' and I started on a, 'what did I do? my birthday will be spoilt etc etc' rant.
I can't un-invite them- at the back of my mind I keep thinking OSD is sending them as 'envoys' so they can feed back to her. I then calmed down and thought- I have a choice here- I can allow them to ruin a special occasion for me when I will be surrounded by my family and friends, or I can ignore their presence as much as possible, be polite but get DH to engage with them so I don't have to.
I'm feeling very calm about it now- and hoping there will be no drama, and that the resentment has been assuaged, for now.
I try,try, try the ignore
I try,try, try the ignore part- I am just not good at it. My anxiety wins every time.
I guess its the- we agreed a
I guess its the- we agreed a long time ago- and here we are re-visiting this issue. Totally threw me into another episode. I was doing so well...
Does your DH want YOU attend
Does your DH want YOU attend the birthday party? Or are you objecting to HIM attending the birthday party by himself? In my opinion, he should be able to attend his Grandkid's birthday party but should not expect you to.
But we all know about the resentment that rears it's ugly head when these situations come up. It's just a reminder of all of the abuse and conflict we went through. If DH went to visit SD I wouldn't like it but he has a right to go so I would deal with it in the most constructive way possible. Maybe reward myself for being so 'understanding'. LOL
He did not invite me- but
He did not invite me- but most likely because I have disengaged and he assumes I wont go. I get the cold shoulder routinely from skids/sdil's, which is part of the reason I disengaged. For no reason. They act like jerks. I have always avoided events w/ bm there. simply too much drama. Older DIL is a puppet to the bm and hence everyone follows in line behind her. So I can't win. I guess to be honest I don't want him to go period. Still just don't know how to move forward in this uncharted territory. He goes without me weekly to visit sgkids and I have made peace with that. But we agreed long ago to avoid events with bm there. just worked for us. Until now. He reversed on me.
I would be more resentful
I would be more resentful about him "agreeing" to something he apparently had no intention of following through with than about him wanting to attend these events. My exDH would do the same thing - agree with me about something just to keep the peace and then (in my view) go back on his word. I could not make him see that he was not only in disagreement with me but was also lying to me about it and I was way more upset by the lying that the disagreement. If someone doesn't agree with me I want them to tell me so. Then we can either work toward a compromise or agree to disagree.
I get the resentment and have
I get the resentment and have felt it many times during my 5 yr marriage. It's a different dynamic than a first marriage where things like attending a wedding or birthday party together wouldn't be an issue. Now anytime there is an event with skids involved everyones *fee fees* must be taken into account. How will BM feel? Skid is worried that your presence will cause issues but please still pay for the event. You can come as long as we can pretend you don't exist, but again, please continue doling out money. I hate this part of being the 2nd wife, it really blows on so many levels.
Sadly skids don't invite DH to gskid parties. SDIL's entire family is there, BM of course is there but DH gets the boot and has never been invited once. He's no fan of kiddie parties but he'd love the chance to see the gsons.
The most resentment I felt was when DH ran off to his exFIL's milestone BDay party. All of BM's fam, skids, gskids would be there. DH half heartedly told me that I could come, like I really want to go to that. He was gone all day golfing, carrying on and playing happy family with them. Oh and he convienently forgot to wear his wedding ring. Things like this are equivilent to DH in your first marriage running off to spend the day w/his ex gf and her family and that just wouldn't fly. But w/skids involved and since it's all about them it's ok right?
Just wanna say I feel ya sista. It sucks, I deal with it by going and doing my own thing but there is that initial sting.
Still Learning- thank you for
Still Learning- thank you for your story. My husband was raised to not make any waves- EVER! So this is all uncharted water for him. He tries to please everyone and his kids sit on top of the list. I have sacrificed so much since I have been with him. Those cringe worthy things others have talked about. I feel he should expect his kids to respect me but he is too afraid.
you will continue to resent
you will continue to resent until you disengage. after that you wont care anymore.