RESENTMENT
Hi guys, I had a rant going under general discussion last week about not being allowed to attend bf's kids activities. We have been together 5 years but only recently moved in. His kids are 18 and 16. I told him a can't handle this and moved out two weeks ago. Well, in the last two weeks he has told the ex and his kids that I will be attending these things. Needless to say, they are all freaking out. (they seem to like me) but because the ex will be upset they don't want me there. Anyway, ss now wants nothing to do with his dad, came over and took all his stuff. Dad is very upset about all this. He feels a great deal of guilt over leaving his ex because he feels he deserted the kids. Oh, my the way the kids have told him this because that is what the ex says. Anyway, again, he told me last nite he hopes he doesn't come to resent me over this. Do you guys think the ss will come around.
Good luck
maybe he will maybe he won't. I really wouldn't worry about it much. Kids love their parents unconditionaly and yes they will be angry for a while but I really don't think that it will last long. The truth is kids grow up and start their own lives and families. Your husband or boyfriend has now begun his life with you and they need to accept that. I think that avoiding the issue for so long probably only made it harder. But stay strong and united! You have every right to be involved. Just my opinion
The saying goes, “You
The saying goes, “You don't know how much you will miss something until it's gone.”
My belief is that over time his son will realize how important his father is to him and his loyalty towards supporting his mother’s feelings will subside.
He hopes he doesn’t come to resent you? Boy, he is dumping the outcome of this decision entirely in your lap. He knew how you felt and chose to stand behind you, so he needs to feel good about the decision no matter what the outcome and stop making you solely accountable.
emotional hostage
Lynn
Explain to bf that no matter who he was with, he has to intregrate them into the family. Try and make him understand that his ex is the one he should have resentments against if anyone. She obviously has made these children sick, and bf must try even harder to make the kids understand you are his life also.
Ex is bitter and unhappy, so why is BF destroying his future over this nut? I would ask him these questions, and you can only tell him its time to move forward. His kids will soon be adults, and he cannot be held as an emotional hostage to them. He needs to toughen up and tell them to get over it. Maybe both of you need to attend their "activities" less often, but bf needs to put you first.
The son will shine later
Good for you for not letting yourself be a part of the ex wife’s little side show.
She is inflicting fear, anger and dysfunction into all of your lives. You should not have to live your life around her insanity. You should not be coming second in your new life with the man and children you love.
Teaching your children by example is the right thing to do. The children will be faced with the same issues in their adult lives and you wouldn’t want the problems you are facing to be a problem in their lives later.
When you have changes in the power position of a group of people there will always be great adversity, it is the nature of things. Slowly things begin to normalize and don’t expect anyone to find their happy place without a lot of resistance. It will come later. It is much healthier for all of you. There will be a lot of nasty things said and done, don’t take it personal, it is a way that trust and respect start to happen between everyone involved, your reaction to it all is very important because you are now going to be in the power position. The children will be watching everything you say and do looking for stability. Give yourself time to think before you speak, and be a good example of a leader to your family.
No way...
You have been together for five years and are have been segretated from them this entire time? I would say I would only agree with that if the kids were MUCH younger and the two of you were not married, or your BF was still married to his EX. You are a part of his their dad's life now and should be treated as such. How will they ever come to accept you if you are not included. Why is the Ex Wife freaking out over it when they are not even together any more. Maybe she has never moved on... Anyways, I think you did the right thing.
Guiltful parenting...
He feels a great deal of guilt over leaving his ex because he feels he deserted the kids.
I think that statement is key. You have been together over FIVE years, we aren't talking FIVE weeks here. If his X can't handle you attending the kids' events, well, that is HER problem. Your man should stand behind you.
I think the guilt statement is an important one. I've found that this statement influences decisions my own husband makes. I think he feels like he is torn between his kids and me at times. We've set rules and boundaries but when I am not around, his teenage daughters work him to get what they want and sometimes they fall outside of those rules/boundaries. Or, let me say, they are grey areas.
We share 50/50 custody with his X. She has her own set of problems and quite honestly, she drives me crazy too. But, what I mostly struggle with is that his daughters basically wished I didn't exist, they hate that we have structure at our house (things are much more loose when they are with their mom) and I often feel like I have a thankless job. I am the one making sure the girls have what they need for school, make their events/commitments, yadayada. I feel like I have to mother their own mom.
I recently needed emergency surgery and it started coming home from a trip overseas with my hubby. We never even made it to our state until a few days after the surgery. The surgery had to happen from another state because it was the closest to the nearest airport.
I was in the hospital for a few days. It was horrible. I was scared and because my problems started on the airplane, well, it just made everything more traumatic. My stepdaughters barely acknowledged. I could hear their dad talking to them on the phone from the hospital room. He'd be like "Honey, I cannot deal with that right now - have your mom take you to the store. My wife almost died. We are in the hospital, etc etc" The girls just didn't get it. And, he told his X and you would think SHE would remove some of the burden so we could get thru things. But, she could care less.
Ya know - It broke my heart that the girls couldn't even make me a get well card. They were with their mom while it all went down. His X called about an hour after we got home which was a few days later AFTER I was released from the hospital (I couldn't travel home until a few days had passed). She had some stupid question and was pestering him about how he owes her some money (we are talking like $10 here). She never acknowledged anything or asked how I was. I guess it is foolish of me to think she has a heart. I do not want her friendship but I do want respect. How will my stepdaughters give that to me when their mom is such an idiot?
We teach these girls to be good people - not to be selfish. But, I feel like banging my head on the wall because I feel like everything is right down the tubes when they go to their moms.
All in all, I just want respect in my house. My hubby and I have boundaries but, remember, we are raising two teenagers too. He tried to be superdad which is great but many times it is at the expense of our marriage. Last night his older daughter told me she wished I never came into her dad's life, that she hates me and I shouldn't butt in and let her mom and dad do all the work. She wished they never got a divorce. All natural feelings I suppose for a kid from a torn marriage.
Sometimes I just want to kidnap my husband and run far far away. I count the days until they are back with their mom. It's sad but true. I then feel like my marriage is normal again. I try to be a good person, understand, be good to the kids but inside I go goofy sometimes...
RESENTMENT REPLY
You need to let go and move on with your life. Obviously, you step into difficult times dealing with teenagers in general. Teenagers are very difficult and you not being a biological parent, it will come up. They will tell you that you are not their biological parent even though they are living with you. You will feel violated, resentful, and over a period of time, you will feel like a hostage in your own home because you don't want them there. Do yourself a favor and cut your losses and move on with your life. There is more to life than raising someone else's teenagers! Look at it this way, why should you raise another person's kids when they are not yours? If you can justify an answer to stay in this relationship, expect the unexpected!
Sad but true.
I've come to realize that I can't count on my skids being there for me ever even though I did more for them than their mother for the first 7 years of our marriage. I feel like a fool. I always thought that if you do the right things, the right things will happen. Well, that's a big joke.
SD is 18 and can't call any of us from college that we are paying for (BM's not giving a dime). Didn't acknowledge T-Day and only calls when she wants $$ or something is wrong.
I know the same would happen to me if I were hospitalized. When my parents have been hospitalized they never ask me about them (I know their teens, but come on.)
I think a lot of it has to do with DH. He never talks with them about me, never tells them what I'm doing, never talks with them about what's going on in my side of the family. That's the influence they have. Why would they ask about me??
What hurts me more is that I realize that the siblings I thought my BD was going to have are so far less than what she deserves. Maybe it will change, but I'm not counting on it. I don't want to be disappointed any more.
I consider my place ....
I consider my place .... "the woman who answers the phone at 'my Dad's' house"....as far as the oldest SD is concerned..
Although kindof sad....that revelation has given me alot of peace. Does that make any sense?
I was just speaking to a freind about this yesterday.... When I answer the phone..I get "Is my Dad there?" no how are you; how are the kids; hows work; have you started your shopping....N. O. T. H. I. N. G...just "Is my Dad there? And it used to really hurt my feelings...because I had gone out of my way to do things for her...to make her comfortable with me, etc. And the fact that she couldn't care less if I dropped dead tomorrow..in return.. hurt very deeply!
(Although she won't converse with me, or the kids herself if we answer the phone....she makes sure she tells her Dad at the end of every conversation.."tell everyone I said "Hi" Like she is Miss Conginiality...... (in his eyes at least))
Once my expections of her were brought into 'proper focus' and I began to understand My place in her life is pretty much limited to .... the woman who answers the phone at her Dads house....
My feelings stopped getting hurt.....
Anything more from her than that is a positive...rather than every encounter being a negative because it falls short of my expectations..
Overall....I have no bitterness, or resentment, or at least much less than I used to feel...
It's her choice to keep all the "steps" (me & my children) at arms length...I cannot change that!! I must accept it!! I am happier for it!!
Try to integrate in other ways
I have an 8 yr old SS, and have been in his life for 3 yrs when he made his first communion. I was engaged to BF when he made his First Communion. BM informed BF that she and new SF would be hosting a party afterwards and that BF was paying for the whole party. She then had sent invitations to all the old in-laws, BF parents, and his sister and her husband. She sent the BF an invitation with only his name on it. BF confronted BM and she stated that I mean nothing to her so why would she want to pay for my dinner at this party? BF reminded her that I've been apart of the child's life for 3 years, and that it was HIS party, not hers. She refused to allow DH to bring me to the party at the restaurant. Then MIL called BM and said she would pay for my dinner and she still refused. I did not care to go one way or the other, but I would have gone for SS sake. SS asked why his father and grandmother and aunt and uncle were not going to his party, and it was painful to have to say because your mom does not want SM there (I don't even talk to this woman, so it's not like we have a "bad relationship", we simply have none because she has refused all olive branches I have extended), and we are a family and will only go if the whole family attends. Our answer to this dilemma was to go to the Church where BM had no control over the situation. I think my advice to you is to just SHOW UP to these public events. In the end, you are there to support the children, and that is what should matter most and hopefully when they are older, they will look back and remember you were there, not that there mother didn't want you there.
crazy
Its one thing to go to a public event to support the sc, but invited or not you guys shouldn't have even considered going to her party. I would suggest next time you could arrange your own the follwing day or weekend. Even tackier is she invited you bf's family which he should put a stop to. They can go to events that you and bf plan. Aside from that its good to go to school, or sports events that are public and hopefully its appreciated though not always.
Need help
Guys, I have been in love with this gentleman for a number of years and moved in together for the past two years. Sometimes our relationship is good because the kids are not around. He has 1 teenage son and the other chidren are between the ages of 20 and 26. I do everything possible to please my boyfriend and his children but sometimes my kindness goes without thanks. The teenage boy seems to interfere with my personal stuff and at times he vandalises my stuff. In a nutshell the entire family does not like me except the father but i really love the father. I want to leave because it's too stressful for me because the kids blame me for everything in their life. I have reached a point in my life where I want to leave and don't ever look back because my boyfriend and me are happy together but the kids give me hell day in day out. I NEED HELP.
Have you talked to him
about how you feel.
Relationships are always going to be hard because that is just the way it is. Trust me I have my own problems with skids and my own kids and just life in general. But I have committed myself to my husband and our family and although there are times I like you want to run away because its always easier to run, I stay. I made the commitment before we got married to him and will continue.
I would say sit down tell him how you feel. And that your really want to run. See what happens if he knows how you really feel..
Best of luck to you..
Happy
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