So many problems where to begin
I am afraid this marriage is coming to an end. I should have realized that in starting it, there were glaring problems not resolved. First is we still have separate houses. I have resented this all through our relationship. We alternate weekends at the houses and I hate hate hate driving there on Friday nites. He usually spends the days working on the house and maybe we go out to dinner sat nite. Rarely do we spend a sat doing fun things together. He resents me not working on the house, but I see it as my competition. Why does he keep it? He built it....his first family lived there for a short period, but I hate the house , the town, and I resent going there.
We spend 2 or 3 week nites apart and lately I have not looked forward to him coming here. I should add he works obsessively on my house too, such that he spends the weekend days working outside here too. My family thinks I should be happy, but I married a landscaper.....not a husband.
So he is strict with house chores with my kids.....I am not......he posts lists and I admit I do not enforce them....
My daughter is spending sumner with her father a few towns away......last night dh confronted me and said she is leaving because I do not enforce the rules. I told him that she is leaving because she dislikes his rules......he became enraged and left.
I think he has become the warden.....I did create a vacuum and he has filled it.
I have no interest in spending time with him......he works.....he enforces rules ,,,,and I resent him like the kids do. I know I should be more of a chores person with the kids but I see us growing so far apart.......as I said I have hated going to his house a few hours away.. And all he does is work on it.
He claims he will sell it when my daughter graduates high school in two years, and we will buy a home together, but honestly......I do not want to live with him.....
Any advice? I feel if we could just actually get back to doing fun things together.....would be major improvement.
I don't want my
I don't want my freedom......I want a husband, not a contractor. We could afford to hire a landscaper.....I just feel it is that I am married to a workaholic . I want him to engage with me , instead of me being tossed a few crumbs.
Last night I had not seen him for 3 days.....he gets to my house......we are on the deck talking about plans for the evening....he gets a call from a client......gone for an hour.......zaps the mood.
I do not think you could start a relationship with the little time we engage. I should add he falls asleep at 8 or 9 pm even sat nites....so I sit alone in front of the tv
I guess how do I accept his
I guess how do I accept his need to work all the time? We are going to his parents beach house for July 4. Past summers he loads up the car with leaf blower, power washer, etc. He will spend days working on house....sit with me on beach for maybe an hour tops.. That will be the 3 day weekend.. Do any of you have husbands you actually engage with on the weekends? Guys who take off work for a full day?
I might add that I have a
I might add that I have a high pressure full time job also, so on weekends it is very important to me to not work.......I need to unwind!
I do love my husband, but as he said last night, we are not on the same page. I do enforce rules with my kids. They are not unruly, but chores I admit are my weak point. Dh tends to be a but of a tyrant with chores. I want this marriage to work, but things are tough right now.
You ARE married to a
You ARE married to a workaholic. He gets pleasure and a feeling of accomplishment from doing things he can see and he projects that onto you and your kids. He doesn't see any reason to work on a relationship because he can't see the results in a physical manner. He can't touch it and say "I did that".
He's not going to change or even bend. He will get along quite fine with out you because you don't represent something he can accomplish. Time to admit a mistake was made and tell him to move back to his true love where he'll have more time to devote to repairing her eaves.
You might as well tell him that if he runs out of things to do at his place he's welcome to continue working on yours but change the locks first.
Thank you for your comments
Thank you for your comments stepaside. I do think he is an obsessive compulsive personality. Rigid with rules of work, but very much flummoxed in the emotional department. He rarely expresses anger, but ripped his list down last night. I do feel I am lax on chores for my kids. I feel we just do work with the kids....no time for fun. He just works them on the weekends, and they resent it and so do I. He is not fun anymore.. Maybe he works so as to avoid thinking about life. I do not know..
"Maybe he works so hard, so
"Maybe he works so hard, so he can keep his brain from thinking too much about his personal life. You know, keeping busy so he doesn't have to face reality?"
Yup, it's to turn off the rage inside their brain for being such a wussy toward the BM and skids AND it gives them time to convolute a way to blame it on SM.
Well I did work myself every
Well I did work myself every summer as a kid, so did he. My kids do not need to work for money, but they do need to learn responsibility. And I am afraid my teenage dsughter will get into trouble this summer if left to her own. So my dh does have a point on some issues.
But our relationship? That is the big problem. I am a person that needs time in a relationship.....not money, jewels, etc etc.......I divorced a very wealthy guy who was gone most days. So what do I do? I marry a pauper who works all the dang time!!! He does respond well to being led.. We did go out to dinner last night after his hour work call and before shit hit the fan with my daughter.
He just wants my kids to have his work ethic.....my son is doing work with him, but he is very critical.....
He is driving us away.
When I said summer is time to relax, he told me my priorities wrong, I should find joy in working along side him! Am I wrong to want to sit on my ass when I work 40 plus hrs a week?
You are NOT wrong. I am like
You are NOT wrong. I am like you...I need TIME with my partner. I was married before to a man who liked working better than being with me (along with liking a female co-worker better who he is now married to). Anyway, do NOT feel guilty. We ALL deserve time from our mates and yours is not giving you what you need. Would marriage counseling be an option? You two ARE on different pages and unless you both are capable of change and or comprising, your marriage probably will fail or you will stay in it and be miserable. I assume he gave you "time" when you were dating? When did things change? What I know at my age is that people DO change unfortunately, but if you want a marriage to succeed, BOTH parties have to be willing to change the things that are tearing them apart.
Things changed when I stopped
Things changed when I stopped planning things. I think I am mildly depressed. I feel it.....lots of other stress over the past few years. I had cancer surgery and went into full blown menopause........gained about 30 pounds and I feel awful about it. Sex is no longer enjoyable and I am sure it is beating up our marriage also.
I do not want a divorce but things are not good, with either my dh or my kids it seems.
I realize I need to compromise on some issues. I need to accept his house, and just focus on doing my thing there. It is hard because it is basically going to someone else's house two weekends a month and resenting it. He tells me it is my house also, but he is the who commands where everything goes, even in the kitchen. He criticizes me over being too messy baking. He really is overbearing, but usually backs off when I blow.
Wow sorry to hear about the
Wow sorry to hear about the cancer; and you do sound depressed, understandably. He sounds very controlling with you and your children. He should not be dictating your priorities during your leisure times. Yes if you want to sit on your ass and enjoy a nice day-that is ok!! And he absolutely should not be disciplining your children.
Side note: my DD is also spending the summer w/her Disney Dad - he wakes her up super early every day & puts her to work - she told me one day recently how happy she was when he let her "sleep in" (until 9am). I agree w/the others about not busting their ass and esp during summer. I also am not real good about enforcing chores like a tyrant. Hugs & good luck
No, you're not wrong. Most
No, you're not wrong. Most people need down time to recharge, and all couples need time together to connect. Unfortunately, you and your DH are not on the same page at all as to what is "relaxing" and how to connect.
Have you tried telling him something like this? "Hon, I've been feeling pretty distant from you lately. I don't feel connected to you when we're both working, I need some 'face time'. Do you think you could just do some fun things that *I* find relaxing with me over the 4th of July weekend, and not do ANY work on houses? We could..." and then fill in the blank as to what you need. If you make the conversation what YOU need, and give him concrete examples of things he can do, it might work better than just telling him what NOT to do.
Thanks cat lettuce! He
Thanks cat lettuce! He needs to be needed.....exactly ! I can entertain myself for so long............lately when I go to his house, I am out shopping during the day, but summer is so short. Look I knew he was a workaholic when I married him.. I know if I plan something he will go, but I feel guilty at my house sitting on the deck while he busts his butt working in the yard! How could I not feel guilty? Then I get aggravated because a summer of constant work is not what I envision. And he falls asleep so early.
I am upset my daughter is spending summer with her father. I realize many kids of divorce do this. Her own friend recently did the same thing, so maybe she got the idea? Anyway, I was too defensive with her last night. I told her I want a set schedule, not just come over whenever she feels like it. She then commented that she might visit when she is at her friends near my house "so it is easier for you to pick me up instead of dad". I became very angry with that comment and said I would not be used as a chauffeur for her.
Summer is not shaping up to how I wanted it to be......
Since you don't like him
Since you don't like him coming over and you don't like going there - I think you should end it. I don't think we can ever change people when they are so set in their ways. On the other hand, if you two could just live separately and spend a nice romantic date night together! But it sounds like you want more from him and he doesn't sound like he's going to change.
Hate to say it - wish me and dh had separate houses!
HI new and improved, looks
HI new and improved, looks like you are very frustrated with the summer not shaping up the way you wanted it to, and who can blame you... it's hard to give up on cherished plans.
But i would see it as a blessing that your DD is going to be with her dad, that's less pressure on you. Book a trip with your DH to a place you could both enjoy, and talk to him about making time for the two of you. May be a counselor could help.
My DH is a workaholic too, has a job that is pretty much his life - high-pressure, all hours, thinks about it all the tme, works on weekends from home... he does not work on the house obsessively but can do lots of things with his hands, and i hope my kids will pick up a few of his skills. He is just very competent in so many arenas... so is your DH.
This could be his language of love: saying "i love you" by doing things for you. Very tangible things that he puts time and effort in. I can guarantee you TONS of women out there are very jealous of you.
So what i am saying is, you could reframe some of your negatives because they are really hidden positives! As CatL. said, thank god you did not marry a lazy bum! The house could be seen as an investment that your DH tends to ( a bit too assiduously, i agree) - may be he is sublimating his sexual urges?
I do not see his or my DH's M.O. as inherently bad, just different from yours ( or mine). So i think the answer is to find a happy middle ground. Go out with GFs some, play along with yard work some ( good exercise?), get him to relax some, get him off your kids backs if they are resentful - but i have to tell you, i am borrowing his idea of lists. My teens could do some more chores and be none the worse for wear.
What you described in your
What you described in your post is not a marriage. It's some sort of an arrangement. I think some therapy is in order- if he won't go with you, go by yourself.