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Outsmarted BM, DH's sister and OSD once again!

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 04/04/2016 - 12:47pm

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Adult Stepchildren

Beginning of this year DH & I noticed that OSD starting tricking us into attending family events (involving DH's family) only to be surprised when BM was there too

A few months back we learned that OSD would be holding YSD's bridal shower right on DH's birthday. Seemed strange to us at first that of all the days she could hold the shower she would choose to do it on DH's birthday. Usually if a member of their family's birthday falls during the week the birthday dinner is the weekend before or after (and DH & I go out alone the nigh of, just like they do with their SO's) but as this time it fell on a Sunday I figured the family would want to celebrate it then, and that I would simply take DH to dinner on the Saturday night before do they could do that

I know how OSD and DH's sister operate though, so when they started dropping hints that DH "would just have to share his birthday with YSD" that they were planning something immediately following the shower for YSD - as BM will be attending that - and that BM of course would just be included along with everyone else at DH's birthday dinner (even though DH has made it abundantly clear after a number of those incidences lately that he is NOT comfortable with that at all)

This of course is crossing the line again and DH & I both want nothing to do with that.

So, when DH's sister starting mentioning to DH that "we" were all going to get together after the bridal shower for his birthday dinner he said no to her. DH told both FIL and his sister that I was taking him out for dinner that evening, and the 'family' birthday dinner would have to be planned on a different day

We figured this would eliminate the excuses they had for 'surprising' us with BM's unwanted presence at this event.

We thought that was the end of it

Nope

Despite that, YSD tells us yesterday that OSD told her that DH's birthday dinner will be held following her bridal shower

DH lost it

He told YSD very clearly that his "family birthday dinner" would NOT be held following her shower and that he had already made it clear that Disillusioned was taking him out for his birthday that evening.

YSD then suggested the evening prior - which originally I thought I would take DH out for dinner for - but OSD and DH's sister had already ruined that evening plan too by insisting that we all go to the facility that YSD's shower is being held, to set-up in advance along with BM

So, DH has told YSD to figure it out with everyone else

Looks like it will be held by OSD at her house during a week night, or by me on a different weeknight at my house

If it's me then BM of course wouldn't have the audacity to show up for it, if it's at OSD's and SHE has the audacity to invite BM, DH has already decided that we will simply get up and leave

DH is fed up with OSD being so disrespectful of us to invite BM to his family's events that she has no business being at, but also, there was disrespect in even the fact OSD thought she could just dictate the SHE (not I) would decide where and when DH & I would celebrate his birthday.

I would imagine it was quite the schock for her to learn that not only were her BM plans foiled by DH, but that in the end *I* his wife, will decide whether he has a nice quiet birthday dinner with me on the day of his actual birthday or not, and not her. She can have whatever day is left after DH & celebrate together. And yes OSD, this was not decided by you, or BM, or DH's sister!

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Mon, 04/04/2016 - 1:20pm

They just don't give up, do they? Good for your DH for having the guts to stand up to them and their games. You are right, BM has no business attending DH's birthday celebration. I am wondering why she would not gracefully decline anyway. What does she mean to accomplish? Sounds a bit sick.

robin333's picture

Submitted by robin333 on Mon, 04/04/2016 - 1:30pm

I realize that these folks aren't emotionally healthy, but I have to say I would never impose myself upon anyone that made it clear I was not welcome.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 04/04/2016 - 1:43pm

I'm not sure either sandye21...as robine123 said, if it had been made clear I wasn't welcome somewhere - and if it were somethign that would be obvious I had no buiness being a part of anyway - I would never impose myself either.

I think my OSD is simply just trying to 'poke'. And not just at me. Believe it not, I'm not the step-parent she despises the most. Her poor SF has had that honour!

She has been deliberately inviting BM to family dinners etc... for DH and his family, knowing I'll obviously find that disrepectul and feel uncomforable. But for many of them poor SF isn't even invited. So while I may be there and thinking what a dispectful thing to do to me, at least I'm there and in the presense of my DH during it. SF isn't even around for some of these events!

Can't imagine how he would have felt if he learned that BM was out celebrating DH's birthday dinner, and without her SO!

I'm sure OSD would have LOVED that one - killed two birds with one stone

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Mon, 04/04/2016 - 2:12pm

Why doesn't BM feel uncomfortable going to these events?! I would never go to my Ex's birthday party especially if I knew he didn't care for me AND his new wife disliked me. A normal, mentally sane BM would never want to hang out with her Ex voluntarily knowing he hates her guts.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Mon, 04/04/2016 - 2:23pm

Why did your DH go off on YSD if it's OSD and SIL who are to blame? He needs to have a face to face with each of them, and using little words, clearly light up their a$$es.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 04/04/2016 - 2:26pm

That's a great question Maxwell09, one I would love to know the answer to myself.

My DH doesn't hate her guts though, and I've never disliked her (until recently)

I think BM has never gotten over DH, loves him still, and since we always make a point to get along at the events we attend with her - ones it is appropriate we're all at together that is - perhaps she just figured that OSD and DH's sister were inviting her to the ones she had no business being at, because DH & I were okay with it

However, even I find that hard to believe at this point. She should now know that DH doesn't want her at events other than ones we should understandably all be at together - like YSD's upcoming wedding - so yes, if I were her I would have stopped agreeing to the invites from DH's sister and daughter a long time ago!

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 04/04/2016 - 3:28pm

He shouldn't have gone off on YSD, I was a little annoyed with DH for that too. Not her fault, and she was quick to offer an alternative solution. Would have loved to tell her that solution wouldn't work either because OSD and DH's sister made sure that day wouldn't work either!

Oh well, I'm sitting back and staying out of it all. The only time I will get involved is if I walk in to the "family birthday event" for DH and BM is there, I will most certainly get up and walk out along with DH

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Mon, 04/04/2016 - 6:48pm

I'd put a stop to all these big long double celebration event days to begin with. It'd put to stop to the second event of the day from being crashed by carry over guest, for one. For two, it'd make each individual event (IMO) more relaxing and enjoyable.

All this eat(refreshments/dinners), celebrate, visit then dash over to next event repeating the activities (albeit different 'occasion').... just seems like a long a** tiring day.

sammigirl's picture

Submitted by sammigirl on Tue, 04/05/2016 - 9:45am

Well it never stops; but I stopped it. Of course I'm the nasty SM; but so it goes.

My SGD30 and SD56 (mother/daughter) were visiting one day and invited me to a dance rehearsal for SGGD2; BM was driving 7 hours to visit at SD56's and would be attending also. SGD and SD were playing the same game, all the time, as your OSD is doing. It was a great opportunity to tell them both "NO MORE" and "WHY". BM also invites herself anytime and loves the game.

I simply declined with: "BM has driven 7 hours to visit and she has every right to attend without my company and all of us being uncomfortable. I am live close here, to attend SGGD2's rehearsals any time; please extend the invitation to BM, without my presence. For the future, I will NOT be attending events with BM present; I am not comfortable with the situation and I wish you two to respect that." My DH was present when this conversation took place.SGD30 put up the tears and was sad (yea, right).

Since that conversation, we were tricked into one other BD party for SD's 50th party; we drove 3 hours, to SGD30's, only to learn BM was there, when we walked in. I tolerated it, because it was DH and BM's daughter's (SD56's) BD. After the party, on the drive home, I told DH that would never happen again. He was welcome to attend any dinners or celebrations, but I would not any longer be attending, due to the fact that I had ask for respect and SGD and SD still over stepped the boundaries. I stated there would not be any future events of such, for me. DH must have told SD what I said, because we haven't had a problem in six years. Of course I disengaged six years ago, so that added to it. We do go to SD's maybe once a year, during the holidays, for a short visit; SD lives one block away, so DH can visit anytime, I can come home anytime. BM has not been present and I would spend holidays alone, at home, before I play their games.

I hate these games; you are right in the middle and I understand. If your OSD was in your shoes, I'm wondering how she would feel. KARMA visits my SD and SGD often, concerning BM (they claim she drives them crazy), and they whine, whine, whine; but I'm not ever letting them dictate to me again, and I won't be part of it. They gossip about BM all the time, therefore, I know they gossip about me also.

Of course it's "my fault" because DH won't go without me. I've never told him to go or to not go.

I would set boundaries, but there are consequences. Good Luck.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Tue, 04/05/2016 - 6:33pm

You have your act together with this sammigirl...one day I really hope to be in that same place!

sammigirl's picture

Submitted by sammigirl on Tue, 04/05/2016 - 9:29pm

Thank you for the compliment; but there are many times I feel I don't have it together. It is a full time job to stay on track. I let the mental abuse from my SD go on for 30+ years, trying to keep the peace. Now that I have disengaged and had severe consequences, I sometimes wonder.

With all of that said; for me the disengagement is working, is worth the consequences, and I want very badly to keep my boundaries in tact. I know now, it is ok to fall off the wagon and climb back on and move forward. There are many times I have to put my anger, in regards to the past, in check. I am aware that tomorrow will bring more trials, as long as I am a SM.

I read your posts and am with you. You have got this.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Wed, 04/06/2016 - 7:05pm

In DH's case StepAside it truly was disconnected. It is true we all have gone to many events involving SD's when younger, and now SGS's, and we've always all gotten along very well.

It wasn't always like that for them. BM and DH had a terrible divorce, and BM would have been one of those crazy ones we all read about on here with DH's ex-girlfriend (the reason his marriage to BM came to an end)

BM had a lot of bitterness towards DH which steadily has gotten better since DH & I have been together, but really all these incidents of her inappropriately attending DH's family events has just started in the last couple of years, ironically when DH's sister and OSD have started inviting BM to attend....their newest ploy to try to get at me of course!

I honestly think BM felt we were okay with it all at first, never occurred to her we were actually just taking the high road for the sake of the skids and gskids

BM has now crossed the line on a number of occasions, to the point where DH has had to speak up and say no, and now she has changed her attitude towards me. I'm sure she believes I'm the reason DH said no.

I honestly do feel bad for BM. She is not a bad person IMO. She is someone who loved her husband with all her heart and he cheated on her, more than once, and their marriage came to an end. I don't believe she has ever gotten over it. I think she still loves DH and loves all legitimate reasons we are all together as she can still be in his presence

When I came in to the picture BM couldn't have been happier on one hand, it meant the hated woman who destroyed her marriage was gone. BM and I got along wonderfully. Cooperating with each other for the sake of SD's. Whenever we were all together I was warm and friendly to her, and had no issues with her being around DH and she was accepting of me. She even supported me, not OSD, when OSD first made all her "issues" with me known

Gradually though we've had more and more contact with her, especially at these family get together s that DH's sister and OSD have inappropriately invited her too, and BM has become more and more relaxed with it

Unfortunately she loves him still and I think is desperate enough to attend where even she knows it's not appropriate, and for the most part DH like most of our DH's didn't want to stand up to her and deal with those consequences. He has really surprised me this last year by standing up and saying no, and he is not at all concerned with how BM reacts.

I just don't think she actually gets that DH just isn't in to it...it's not because his wife is jealous, or there is any other game, he is simply not interested. And BM seems unable to accept that fact, never has been able to it would seem Sad