DH's daughter at it again, involving BM
So looks like BM will be attending dinner at DH's daughter's along with DH & I (FIL, DH's sister, etc...) on the weekend.
The dinner follows a birthday party for SGS. I totally get that BM should be at SGS's birthday party, she is his grandmother and there is no reason SGS shouldn't have both his grandparents, even though divorced, at his party. But, I see no reason why BM should then come to the dinner afterwards at DH's daughter's house along with us, which is for YSD's birthday along with DH's sister's birthday and SSIL's birthday
DH's daughter's complete lack of consideration for me, and for DH, makes me furious. None of this was said to us from her or anyone in DH's family of course. They just like to surprise us! No different than last year when DH's sister threw a party for FIL's birthday. She said nothing to DH or I about inviting BM, DH's ex, we simply found out when BM showed up. And if that wasn't bad enough, then BM and her SO were invited back to DH's sister's for the small family dinner we had afterwards
Don't get me wrong, I get along fine with BM. We all just attended a bridal shower for YSD and her fiance a couple days ago, and BM and her SO were there along with DH & I and as usual, we all got along great. As DH said, in this situation, it doesn't get any better than this, the four of us (DH & myself, BM & her SO all cooperating with each other at these functions) However, that does not mean I, or DH, want to hang out with her outside of that. And more importantly, there is no reason we can think of that she should be attending family sit down dinners with us!
It isn't even a lack of consideration on DH's sister or his daughter's parts. Based on all their infantile, deliberately hurtful behaviour towards DH and especially me, this is yet another way to stick it to me. They LOVE to make me feel uncomfortable, unwanted, unwelcome, and downright humiliated. Not that that is what will happen of course! The beauty of these situations is whenever they pull this, it seems to back-fire on them:
At the birthday party for FIL last year not only did DH call me up to the front along with himself during "speech time" not even acknowledging BM, but FIL seems closer to me and has a much more relaxed jovial relationship with me. He never lets me down during these situations! And even little SGS at that dinner was so so sweet to me, when he didn't seem to acknowledge BM much, that I actually felt bad for her....but then I think, she isn't innocent to any of this either, she should have the maturity to back off considering this is her EX-husband, EX-FIL and EX-sister in law. She also is crossing the line by attending small family dinner involving DH & I and DH's family, IMO
Like most second-wives/SM's, I have learned to pick my battles and not voice my frustration with certain situations as sadly, not only are we expected to shut up and put up with mistreatment from our skids, BM's and inlaws, but if we dare to rightfully open our mouth and voice an objection or complaint, then our DH will turn on us too (on top of his lack of support by not protecting us from the abuse in the first place!) but on this occasion, I spoke my mind today. I told DH that while I have no problem with BM and totally get her being at SGS's party, it is not reasonable or acceptable that she should be invited back to his daughter's to sit down and have dinner with us, just like it was not acceptable at the dinner at his sister's house following FIL's birthday party, nor should BM in fact even been invited to the party!
DH did not argue with me at all, but calmly agreed today this is crossing the line.
Of course, then he asks me what I would like him to do about it?
Well, here is what I certainly hope he will do:
When DH's daughter and sister start their BS (and you know they will) at the dinner table say 'remember Dad/Mom when blah blah blah happened' and most especially if BM joins in and confirms etc... I truly hope that DH will show a decided lack of enthusiasm for the conversation, enough so they know he doesn't feel what they're doing is right, or even better, maybe he'll start "remembering" certain fond memories involving me that he can share with the group haha
In the end, these things do tend to back-fire on not only BM but DH's sister and his daughter too; DH's sister. DH's sister loves to bring up all sorts of great times she and BM had/have together, and makes sure to say it when they are right beside me. Usually not only do I ignore this but then BM and I end up chatting, it's always pleasant, and DH's sister then is the one to get uncomfortable.
DH's sister just tried this at the bridal shower on the weekend. Not only did she not so much as acknowledge me when she arrived, but she made sure to run right over to BM's table as soon as BM got there. But then BM came over, and we had a long chat about the new baby coming, little SGS, YSD, etc.... and DH's sister looked downright furious. She gave me a look that conveyed betrayal LOL, like *I* had crossed the line. But that same look was for BM! It was like DH's sister just could not believe the two of us (BM and I) would have the audacity to actually get along and have a nice long discussion together
I'm sure there will be numerous incidents like this on the weekend.
And DH's daughter, well, she tries to play up to me like we actually like each other (this I'm sure is to play me off BM's SO and even BM herself) but I never play along, so DH's daughter won't be happy. She also doesn't like YSD receiving more attention than her....but, YSD has no problems with DH or I, nor BM or her SO, and is sweet and great, so guess who will end up getting more attention from both parents and step-parents?
The whole thing is just DUMB
You know, it's getting a bit
You know, it's getting a bit old - SMs having to stay home so DH can celebrate the sgkids birthdays with SD and BM. If you go, you are made to feel like you are intruding. It just seems like a no-win situation for SM - no matter what you do. Both DH and BM have a right to be there but you have a right to be with your husband if you wish, and they should be respectful of you as DH's wife. How about DH asking if SD could alternate years for your participation in the birthday bash: One year you and DH go, the next BM can be there with bells on.
Sounds like DH's sister and daughter are getting a sadistic charge bringing up their past lives. If SD or DH's sister had an ex I wonder if THEY would like you to bring up all the 'fun times' with their ex.
Everyone has had the experience of being in a room with people who share a history before we came into their lives. This recently happened with some of DH's relatives. I can understand that the past is part of their lives, and they have a right to talk about it - to an extent, but makes me feel uncomfortable and alienated to have to sit for hours and hours listening to tales of yesteryear and nothing else. After a while it is no longer 'remembering the good old days', it's thoughtless and rude.
Your SD is the host. That
Your SD is the host. That means your SD gets to create the invite list. It's not "your family's dinner", it is YOUR STEPDAUGHTERS FAMILY DINNER- and guess what??? BM is her Mom. BM is part of HER family, so of course she invites her.
Stop being a petulant child. If you aren't hosting, you don't get to make demands about the guest list. It sounds like you are creating chaos where there is none anyhow. Just go, be polite, stop making drama where none exists.
You're right, this is dumb.
You're right, this is dumb. You admit that BM has every right to be at her grandson's birthday but she doesn't have the right to go to her own daughter's house for a birthday dinner afterwards?
"We all just attended a bridal shower for YSD and her fiance a couple days ago, and BM and her SO were there along with DH & I and as usual, we all got along great. As DH said, in this situation, it doesn't get any better than this, the four of us (DH & myself, BM & her SO all cooperating with each other at these functions)"
So, what is the problem? This is simply another one of those functions, so to speak. Your DH and you can choose not to go if you really don't want to. It's not always all about you.
Why in the heck would the SD
Why in the heck would the SD not invite her own mother to a family gathering???? :?
Why do you complain about who SD or SIL invite to their events, but continue to attend each year? If don't want to be around the people they invite,then stop going to the parties,dinners...
I think based on the bringing
I think based on the bringing up BM in conversation etc, that the SIL is trying to create drama. She probably enjoys drama and would like to see OP and BM having a cat fight.
As long as OP does not give her the drama she so badly wants. It is all good.
Thanks Sandye21, we've always
Thanks Sandye21, we've always cooperated at the joint birthday parties, births, graduations, weddings, etc... this just makes sense, and I've always been onside with that.
After my parent's divorced I remember how thick the tension in the room was whenever my parents/step-parent were in the same space, and it made things really uncomfortable for us kids. We were always walking on egg shells during those events, and that was a shame.
I've never wanted my SD's to experience the same thing, so have made a huge effort not to let that happen.
BM's parents also divorced, and it was a terrible one just like my parent's was, so I'm not surprised she makes an effort to get along and insure her children and grandchild don't experience that either.
The issue isn't so much the events mentioned above, it's the small family dinner afterwards. In my opinion, this is where the line is being crossed. This family dinner is for DH's side of the family, not BM's, and it's not reasonable that she comes to that part. Most especially since we all know the purpose of DH's daughter inviting BM is to
1: make me feel uncomfortable by bringing up all the old times when BM and DH were together
2: she will use it as an opportunity to play parent against parent, step-parent against parent, step-parent against step-parent etc...
In the end, it usually goes well. SD doesn't succeed in doing anything other than getting pissed off when she fails miserably to achieve those goals, mostly because BM & her SO and DH & I all refuse to get sucked in to any of it. And then DH's daughter will get pissed off because YSD will be the centre of attention like she always is (because both parents and step-parents alike find her much easier to swallow!)
It's just the point of the matter, not appropriate to have intimate family dinners when you invite your dad and his wife, knowing that you secretly also invited your dad's ex-wife.
Pathetic
That sounds like a horrible
That sounds like a horrible dinner. Listening to "old times". Doesn't it make BM's current husband uncomfortable as well?
Hopefully, if you keep
Hopefully, if you keep getting along with BM, SD will get tired playing games and realize it's not working.
Your DH should call SD out on
Your DH should call SD out on her behaviour right in the moment, in front of everyone. Just shut her down. All he'd have to say, in a voice raised just enough to drown out the memory conversation would be something like "Yes, well it's actually very rude and inappropriate to discuss those old times now so ".
Shut her down immediately. He'd only have to do it once.
People can invite whoever
People can invite whoever they want. Having said that, I was invited to a wedding next year that BM is invited to as well. My hubby and I declined the invite. No way can we be in the same room as her. She's a stabby one.
BM makes my DH stabby so we
BM makes my DH stabby so we don't go anywhere that she is going to be. And SD24 knows this.
Can't even IMAGINE being in
Can't even IMAGINE being in the same room as BM. It's sad, but holy smokes she a nut ball. It's good your SD knows her dad wants nothing to do with BM.
The only drama furkidsforme,
The only drama furkidsforme, is what my husband's daughter is hoping to create by having a small intimate family dinner in which she invites her Dad & his wife, her Dad's father, her Dad's sister, oh and secretly invites her Dad's ex-wife too. And doing this with the knowledge that her Dad (not to mention her Dad's father) would prefer not to have to have a small "family" dinner with DH's ex-wife
I think it's reasonable to say that most intelligent people with some manners could see how inappropriate that is
Why the heck Disneyfan would
Why the heck Disneyfan would DH's daughter invite her BM to a family dinner for DH's side of the family???
DH is her ex and doesn't really want to be around her, FIL is her ex-fil, and doesn't really want to be around her either. DH's sister is her ex-sil, and totally wants to be around her in the hopes of causing DH & I to feel uncomfortable.
Gee I don't know...why do you think anyone would possibly find this inappropriate behaviour on an adult skid's part?
On second thought, do me a favour, and don't answer that LOL
Here is the difference
Here is the difference hereiam; the birthday party is for SGS's parents, grandparents (which includes SSIL's parents of course) and the step-grandparents, and a bunch of SGS's friends and their parents.
DH's daughter and SSIL are obviously hosting ONE birthday party where all of the above are and should be there
The family dinner that follows is for DH's side of the family, not BM's, she is coming to dinner with her EX-husband's family (including his wife) and some of which would prefer not to have to be around her, such as DH himself and FIL
The birthday party, totally appropriate, the "family dinner" following it, no way
the dinner afterwards at DH's
the dinner afterwards at DH's daughter's house along with us, which is for YSD's birthday along with DH's sister's birthday and SSIL's birthday
Then I am misunderstanding something, isn't YSD BM's daugher and SSIL BM's son-in-law?
Wow StepAside, truly
Wow StepAside, truly excellent advice. And you really summed up PERFECTLY what the situation is all about.
Yes DH's sister is the worst, not that DH's daughter is horrific, but his sister is truly as DH's like to put in "an orchestrater"
She always goes and makes it abundantly clear just how much she LOVES BM, and you really hit the nail on the head when you indicated BM might be on to her. Hilariously yes, BM and I tend to gravitate to each other during these events and I know when DH and BM were married, apparently DH's sister was nasty to BM too
DH's sister plays it up with BM in an effort to get to me, and BM is polite, but always seems hesitate to really join in. And then DH's sister gets this furious look on her face when she looks at either one of us, as if *we* have somehow betrayed *her* by making an effort to be civil and polite to each other
The main reason I think BM goes is she still sadly has feelings for DH. She truly did love DH and he really broke her heart by cheating on her (not with me) and so she jumps at any opportunity to be at any family gatherings involving his family. She never blatantly crosses the line with DH, but just enough that it is sometimes uncomfortable. I don't think she's a bad person and she does make an effort to be supportive where I'm concerned, and visa versa with her, but it can all just be too much when it's just this group of us
But I like your advise very much and think I will do just that!
Seems it worked out well for you with your former potential SIL LOL
That's a good point
That's a good point WTF...REALLY, yes BM's SO will be there and I'm sure that will make him uncomfortable too. And that poor man has had an even worse time with DH's daughter than I have
In fact, one of the few times DH's daughter is ever "nice" when she talks to me, is in the presence of BM's SO. It's obvious she's trying to make him feel bad, create the illusion that her and I are getting along just great, but he knows exactly what the situation is with her and I and he totally relates
That is one of the upsides of these situations. Usually BM's SO will seek me out at some point, and then we will very quietly share our 'horror stories' oops I should say updates on our individual situations with DH's daughter. In the past it was about her abuse towards us, the problems she created in our marriages, our cars that had both been keyed by her, etc... etc... and that we both think she is a total piece of work
Helps to vent not only with another live step-parent LOL, but most definitely to one who is also a step-parent to DH's daughter like me!
That's what I keep hoping for
That's what I keep hoping for notsobad!
hereiam, DH is not BM's
hereiam, DH is not BM's husband - he is her EX-husband and doesn't want to be around her. DH's father is not BM's FIL, he is BM's EX-FIL, and doesn't want to be around her. DH's sister is not her sister-in-law, she is her EX-sister in law.
If BM wants to celebrate SSIL's birthday, she can do this at any time, she sees him all the time. Same for YSD.
But no, it is not necessary or appropriate that she celebrate those birthdays at a family dinner with her EX-husband's family including his wife, and in all honesty I feel sorry for her that she goes to them. I think it just shows that she hasn't gotten over him, and is desperately looking to hang on
When my brother and the
When my brother and the mother of his only child divorced I maintained a close relationship with my ex SIL. But I am NOT STUPID. I never invited ex SIL to any event that my brother and his current wife were invited too. - And my brother and his wife were invited to family events - not my ex SIL. I never tried to pretend that ex SIL was still "family". Nor did I ever so much as mention her name in front of them.
One can still maintain a relationship with an ex inlaw without cramming it down anyone's throat.
Exactly notasm3, how you
Exactly notasm3, how you behaved would be the classy thing thing to do
My DH's sister crams it down our throat because she is deliberately trying bring us down a few pegs, wants me to know that I'm merely her brother's wife, while BM is her sister-in-law as far as she's concerned, and she wants to inflict that message to make sure I feel unwelcome, not part of the family, an outsider
And hilariously, all of THAT is just an immature woman who at the end of her day is insecure and jealous of her brother's wife, and working as hard as she can to minimize anything about me that might trigger her insecurities
I guess I should feel bad for her, I would hate to live my life feeling like that/that I had to behave that way