Our Father's Day
It's been awhile since I posted...but wanted to share our Father's Day festivities. But first a bit of background. YSD birthday was in late may, and my husband, who avoids confrontation and loathes the awkward phone calls, texts her happy birthday greetings. Its been a volatile for years...super high conflict divorce, kids enmeshed with the BM...he just avoids rather than facing the negativity, which is fair enough I suppose. He tells her he has a card on the way. Which is surprising to me because the man is his own island and since I have disengaged from nagging him to mail unappreciated crap to his children, pretty much he doesn't do anything. He didn't so much as send a Christmas card...but that isn't my problem. Anyway, like I said, he tells her via text a card is in the mail. Uh huh. Sure. Anyway. So fast forward to Father's Day. She texts him, but not to say happy Father's Day. No. To say that she never got her birthday card. Really? On Father's Day? So he goes onto a tirade about the postal system and I'm thinking to myself "dude! It always works for me! You have the worst track record with lost stuff in the mail." He then mentions it had a $25 visa gift card...which irks me because they have zero to do with him but I'm not gonna say anything. He mentions maybe ex confiscated it...she lives at home. Anyway, it didn't pass my smell test. But whatever. Anyway, I go out, and when I get back he volunteers that he bought another card and another gift card. WHAT? That makes no sense. Unless you didn't mail the first one...which man, why lie to me about it. I asked how much the gift card was, and he said $10. WHAT? That makes no sense. Bullshit. I don't know if he even really mailed it but he swears he did. And I just looked at him and said, "why do you lie to me about the dumbest stuff? It makes me feel horrible!" Okay, it was $25. So if his first card is true, he's now thrown good money after bad, and I'm not working till August (got my job! Yay!) and we had a graduation of my daughter and those expenses, our son's birthday, and a vacation we have planned and scrimped for next month. $50 is significant right now, which is depressing to admit. Anyway, he apologized for lying. I accepted it, but honestly? It is all the lite lies that add up all the time. I screw up all the time, I forget stuff, but I own up to it. Later that evening, he comes up and says OSD wished him a happy Father's Day. Then he mentions he initiated the text asking for her address so he could send her birthday card. Then she gave him the address, and threw him the bone of happy Father's Day. BARF. I didn't say anything because it isn't my problem...but geez. She had zero intention of acknowledging him and he knew it so he threw out a little line. 
I'm disengaged as far as the SD's are concerned, meaning my contact and communication with them is zero. It's been more than a year. Now I need to figure out how to disengage my brain. I look disengaged from the outside but on important or special dates, boom! There they are. Taking up real estate in my brain.
He texted his other SD for
He texted his other SD for her address on Father's Day...her birthday is coming up soon. But I agree with you. Tit for tat. Wash and repeat.
Thank you step aside. It's a
Thank you step aside. It's a process. I hope one day I can be as zen as you!
But when we see them, if we all have a good time together, we cherish those. It's great to enjoy their company. We just don't dwell on the negatives anymore. No more room left in our lifetimes for such unproductive feelings.
^^^ I struggle with taking any good. But then, the SD's aren't at the point of offering any good yet either. Hopefully one day we can break bread and enjoy time together.
Yesterday started off
Yesterday started off negatively. The day before DH checked the mail box 3 times, made limited trips away from the phone in case it rang for him. Nothing from SD. No card, no present, no phone call, no surprise. It happens every year. Father's Day has been non-existent to SD since before we married over 23 years ago so you would think he would be used to it. I treated him special. At first I felt I was getting the blame again and disengaged from the situation all together. By the middle of the day he was back to himself and the hurt was again swept under the carpet. I went back to treating him special and he appreciated it.
Like your SDs, my SD has had limited attention and emotional investment from DH. He rarely calls her, has not gone to see her since she was banned from the house 3 1/2 years ago. Before that time I used to remind him of her important days and suggest he hug her more often, tell her he loves her. Now I don't. I am merely an observer. His responsibility. He can own the consequences. But as a silent observer I wonder if his sadness is due to his lack of recognition by SD or is he recognizing his failure at maintaining a relationship with her?
You asked how you disengage your brain from all of this. After about a year in disengagement mode, you become the silent observer. He may still transfer the blame for his skid communication failures on you but you just don't allow it. You lose a little bit of respect for him for a while, then come to the conclusion that he owns this, not you.