Perhaps you like playing victim? Not a thing you wrote was such a hapless situation you could not correct it immediately.

Inlaws taking holiday trips with you? Just say 'no'. If DH insists wish DH and his parents a good time as you won't be going along. SS24 moves out and leaves a mess? Why was it on you to clean it up? Husband's kid, now husband's mess. Or you pick up the phone hire it done and send husband the bill.

Old 'family' videos? Meh, I could sit through one and not get upset, but by number two it'd be time to announce you're tired and ready to go home. Yeah, it was rude to be thoughtless and show the old videos, but I'll go out on a limb and assume the inlaws that evening showed lots of old videos some of which included themselves also and they intent was not malicious. Just thoughtless and inconsiderate. No one glued you to your chair. Yet there you sat playing victim forced to watch. If you're waiting for your husband to take control and see to it your not unduly offended and disrespected, it isn't going to happen. He seems just fine with things being exactly as they are. (He is a product of the upbringing of these parents who now think you're all wrong, he thinks what's happening is all totally good and ok)

I find it funny you called BM selfish by not housing the 23yr old. But once again the victim (you) must now take the adult daughter in your home or put her up in the granny flat. BM liberated herself from her adult children, but 'victim' you automatically take them in. Why is the daughter not working or working enough to support for own flat? Who raised the girl to be dependent at her age?

Time to stop being doormat and victim and take control of your life. Time to teach your own six year old that woman are not doormats and will not be treated as such. With all your huffing in this post you fail to see that you are right now currently raising the next woman servant to kiss a man's behind and be a helpless victim.

I truly am sorry that things are so rough and stressful for you and that you fear this may be the end of your marriage...but in the bigger picture, this could instead be the beginning of the newer stronger you. The time you stop being victim. Stop allowing others to walk all over you and stop kissing buns of all those who take advantage of you. Yeah, if you put your foot down and announce 'enough, no more' your marriage may not survive your declaration of taking control of your life and your role in it. That part is true, it may not survive, but do you really want to continue living the exact same way you are and being unhappy? Time to separate yourself from your inlaws and begin to see them occasionally. Time to ignore what BS falls out of MIL's mouth . Time to rent out the granny flat to non-relatives and use it as a income source. Time to let grown adult children be grown adult children and find their own way in life.

If you're unhappy in your situation, it's time to take control back. If you continue to allow such treatment of yourself (and allow your daughter to be exposed to being a helpless victim) you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

I bet you're one of the 'too nice' SM's. That can put you in to a situation where you're doing more than you should, and putting up with more BS than is required. I don't see that as 'playing victim' so much as I see it as.... you're too damn nice and you have to stop it!

Your IL's... totally clueless/thoughtless and pushy. Time to put some boundaries in place. It looks like you'll be the one who has to do it since DH won't. Yeah I know, ANOTHER thing for YOU to do but, this time, do it on YOUR terms and don't be so damn nice about it. It's fairly obvious that your IL's don't take your feelings in to consideration so why offer them something they don't give you? I'm not saying be rude or nasty but, you can assert yourself in a way that leaves no doubt in their minds that YOU will not tolerate this crap anymore. I had IL's like this, right down to the inserting themselves in to vacations, holidays, etc. (Of course, I'm not one of the 'too nice SM's' so it was easy for me to tell them where to go, lol.) My xDH had boundary issues with HIS parents and that translated in to boundary issues with his kids. I was raised knowing boundaries, so I was seen as troublesome. I was also raised not to care much what others think so it wasn't a problem for me to stand on my own. I think xDH secretly admired me for being able to do that but, also hated me b/c he didn't know how to himself.

As for the BM kicking SD to the curb. Well, SD is an ADULT and it is way past time to be out on her own. Perhaps BM is doing what needs to be done. You, (being a 'nice' SM) see it as abandoning the SD. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. It still doesn't mean that SD comes straight to you and DH to be taken care of. If DH allows this, even after your objections.... time to let DH clean up his own friggin' mess. Do NOTHING. His kid, HIS problem.

Stand up for yourself and your family. Stop trying to be so nice. The biggest changes come from within.

Best of luck to you!

You sound a lot like me. I have a hard time not being a doormat, but I am learning. Recently I said NO to ss20 moving back into our home and he is homeless and jobless and BM won't take him in. I told DH well if BM won't take him in how can you expect me who is not his mom to take him in, he said but I am his parent, the one parent who cares and I said then you go live with him, he's not living here. But it wasn't easy to grow that spine, it took me a long time to figure out that dh and ssons will always take advantage of me and disrespect me in the process, unless I say no. No might mean that for awhile everyone will be shocked and angry at you (which you don't want) but IN THE LONG RUN they will come to respect you. It's called TOUGH LOVE. It's tough to practice tough love. Once you do though, your DH will start noticing that your ISSUES are becoming non existent. You won't complain anymore, or cry or whine, b/c you are setting boundaries and feeling strong and confident. You will hold your chin high and smile, when old vhf videos start being played for everyone to view, you will stand up, walk over and grab a beer and walk out and stand on the deck. When the video is over and DH comes out and says what is your issue, you'll look him in the eye and come back with your own question, what part of watching your former happy family do you think appeals to me over this beer and some solitude? He will begin to see your strength and your backbone and start respecting you more. So no more laboring, whining or doormatting for you, start holding your chin high and dictating your own home, life, holidays and what you watch or don't watch! Take your own vacations with bd6 to disneyland or your family and let DH go with his family!!

BM cut the cord! Good for her...DH and you should do the same.

Please, please, please, take action now instead of going through 20 years of that crap like I did. Yes, it took me over 20 years to get a backbone and inform DH of my boundaries but I knew if I didn't I would surely lose myself forever. Are you afraid of losing DH? After a while you will get so fed up you really won't care and by then you will have wasted SOOO many years. But why wait until more damage is done to your marrisge. I like SteelRose's approach: leave the room when the inlaws are showing DH and BM in happier days, and find something else to occupy your time. Tell DH if he brings in his kids HE will be taking care of their every need. OR just say no.

Step36, you go girl. You have nothing to lose. The longer you put up with it, the deeper your anger and resentment becomes. It's 7 years, 7 years too long. Stand up for yourself being nice, putting up with it got you where you are today. They are all out of line, rude, I'll mannered, disrespectful and inconsiderate. No need for you to accept that. Those of us who did, lived to regret it. the only way out s to take a stand.

Just be ready to take a stand and accept the consequences. Dh told me before we ever married that if I ever tried to come between him and his kids, I'd lose. I threatened to move out this summer over his 20 year old drug addict son who was living with us and he basically said, "There's the door." BUT, he then did take action and SS20 is no longer living with us. He's at rehab and then on to a halfway house. And, for now, all is peaceful in my world.

They put the fear of God into us don't they. They stand up and tell us how their kids mean the world to them, they will never leave their kids, their kids are their flesh and blood, all the while making sure we know where we stand. If we say or do anything that he considers picking on his babies, well your out the door. We swallow that pill. Only to find if we hadn't been so stupid, if we had said, great then I'm off on day one, we would not have spend years and years living in a constant state of anxiety. As soon as you call their bluff. They change.