Not "grateful" for stepgrands?
Wow, finally found a forum where people hopefully won’t see me as evil!
I’ve been stepmom for 20 years. SD is 26 with 2-year-old twins. We never had custody but SD visited every weekend while she was growing up. Our relationship has never been great, and a lot of times her father interfered (if we appeared to be getting too close, he would feel left out and sulk).
DH visits SD and grandkids every Sunday. We both work full time. I have an outside hobby, and I have my side of the family (an elderly mother, age 84). I am only 48 years old and I am NOT ready to devote all of my spare time to the grandkids – sorry, but right now that’s just the way I feel. I go with him occasionally, but sometimes I think it’s just too much to basically have a “party” for them every weekend.
I’ve being treated for clinical depression. I had an endometrial ablation less than a year ago and continue to suffer from perimenopausal symptoms. I know I’m moody (that’s why I am getting help).
The other night, I (foolishly) posted a frustration about my DH on facebook…essentially, asking “what to say to a DH that says you look like Elton John in your new glasses?”
SD hit the roof and said “why don’t you just get divorced?” Further saying “I can talk to my dad, why don’t you just discuss it with him?”
I am pleased that SD feel able to talk to her father. However, the relationship between her father and me is not the same as her relationship with her father and her. Nor is our marriage the same as her marriage to her husband. Nor am I her mother, nor am I her DH’s stepmom.
Of course, our argument escalated. Ironically most of my friends managed to find the humor in my post to facebook. SD, however, escalated into me “never being happy” and “not being grateful enough” for my grandchildren. I really did get angry then, and let her know that we sacrifice a lot for her, and always have, to which she responded that no one should ever say that they sacrificed anything and that I was being very cold, and that I would not hear further from her.
The grandkid’s birthday is approaching. Unbeknownst to me, SD scheduled “their” (her mother’s family and her husband’s family ) birthday party for the week before the GC’s birthday. I had set aside two weekends before, and the weekend after, their birthday, since she made it clear that she expected us to throw a different party for “our” side of the family. Well, wouldn’t you know it, she and her father wanted to have it on the one weekend that I had NOT set aside, and already had commitments for.
DH tried phoning her this weekend, and now she is not even returning his calls. I do not want to come between them, but now I feel like she is using a personal argument between her and me as a driving force to come between me and DH. I’ve not mentioned a word of our argument to DH, figuring this is between me and SD (actually, our first argument in 20 years).
SD is pregnant again and I have sorta been attributing this to hormones…nonetheless…it feels good to finally vent!
I have tried to mention that
I have tried to mention that to both DH and SD :?
My grandparents didn't throw birthday parties...neither did DH's...
His parents never through parties for their GC's...neither did mine.
I thought that was the parents' job, too.
I don't have kids of my own. So I usually just go along with whatever is happening, except for the weekly visits with the GCs.
I thought I was the only one
I thought I was the only one who felt that way!
Nope...I'm in the same boat.
Nope...I'm in the same boat. Maybe it's because I really really really don't like SD, and it just rolls down to the granskids. But, I really just can't even begin to like them. They are cute enough....but.... I tell DH all of the time he should spend more time with them, but he doesn't seem overly interested. It's ok for HIM not to want to be with them, but if I mention that I don't want to, it's ON like Donkey Kong! Sigh...
At any rate, I feel your pain. I like my neighbor's grandkids better that his!
DEAD ON!!! DE "It will be a
DEAD ON!!! DE
"It will be a cold day before I'm "grateful" for anything skid related"
ugh, the thought of entertaining granskids.... :sick:
i won't get you started....
i won't get you started.... i have just learned a lot, unfortunately at others expense... but the sharing of the experiences has helped me dramatically....
the inconvenience is still a huge thorn in the side, but i have minimized the monetary expense as much as possible and continue to find ways to cut corners where skids are involved.
now we know, cut the
now we know, cut the financial strings ASAP!! and flood the emotional skid strings with a stiff one or two or three.....
Agree - wth. She can throw
Agree - wth. She can throw her own party. You can meet for a dinner to exchange gifts if needed. But, how many parties do these kids need.
As for Facebook, don't put anything on there unless yo individually block her from seeing it. I post things and selectively omit my sisters and my mom. My mom always has a comment on it, so I stopped. Easier that way. Do the same going forward and ignore the argument for now. She is being a Pain and you will not win no matter what you do.
I thought we WERE friends at
I thought we WERE friends at one point!
Yes, I have already blocked her...
Thanks for letting me vent!
I had that same thought... My
I had that same thought...
My hobby takes me out of town on occasional weekends (I show dogs) which I am sure is frustrating to DH but my dogs are my kids. So I know there is some resentment there.
But honestly...how can someone tell me I am "not grateful enough" for something that just seems to cause problems?
I do love the GC's and I do spend time with them, when I have weekends free, but I am just not at the point where I'm willing to give up my hobby, especially when the weekly visits to the SD seem to drag on past where they should, to the point where my SIL is yawning (he works 2nd shift) and the kids get cranky. I could see a couple of hours but not an all-day thing every weekend. And the birthday thing really does have me po'd. The first year, when the kids were a year old, we did have a party, so that my mom & sister and DH's mom and dad could have some fun. But DH said we weren't gonna do it every year.
Then SD plans a big party for her BM's side and her DH's side, leaves us out, and then expects us to throw a separate party? I don't think so.
Things weren't this bad before the GC's. Could DH be trying to make up for the fact that he and BM were divorced when she was 3?
After 20 years one would think things would be at least sane.
i wouldn't do shit to help
i wouldn't do shit to help with a party that was imposed on me... and if dh wants to, then make him do it all by hisself and find a place to do it, b/c your house isn't an option...
who does sd think she is?
Wow - I am still stuck on 'no
Wow - I am still stuck on 'no one should ever say they ever sacrificed anything'?? Oh I am sure!!
It is rude to sacrifice for years then once mention it to the sacrificee, but its ok for the sacrificee to never be faced with the reality of all they received from the sacrificer, or be put in the position of possibly saying 'thank you'??
YOU WISH!! Its called gratitude!!
I understand and think this SD is grasping at straws, to cash in on DH guilt. I hope you can help him see the light, or at least walk in your own light dear - you don't need 'friends' like this!! HUGS
p.s. my hobby doesn't go over well with my family either (dance) - they would much rather I would constantly be at their beck and call!! but it is the cheapest therapy I know so too bad!! take care of you dear
Thanks Ironically DH
Thanks
Ironically DH thinks he can tell me how much he "sacrifices" for me all the time...but let me bring it up to SD and all hell breaks loose!
Thanks,thanks,
Thanks,thanks, thanks,everyone. I'm off to the dog show tomorrow but I'll log in tomorrow night...so many thanks for the new friends and support! doG bless!
My mother never gave b-day
My mother never gave b-day parties for my children, my in laws never gave b-day parties for my children, no one but ME every gave b-day parties for my children! Sounds to me like your sd is spoiled rotten and is passing on the spoiled rottenness to her own children.
But I must say... I am 100 times more willing to do things for my step-grandkids then I am for my sk's. You see, my step-grandkids never did anything to me. In fact, up until I decided to remove myself from the situation, my step-grandsons adored me and would smile and talk to me and REALLY liked me!!
It didn't matter if I was BLOOD to them or not. All that mattered to them was that I PLAYED with them when I saw them.
I have already decided that come Christmas this year, ss and sd will not be getting JACK CRAP from me!! I have given and given and given for as long as I've known them both financially AND of myself... I have taken away from my bio-kids to do for sk's the last 11 years. And now ss and sd want to treat me like crap and tell me I'm not "their" mother? Well, then they sure won't benefit from me any further!! I never wanted to be "their mother", but I did want to get some respect since I did everything their BM wouldn't do. But that's too much to ask from them, so spending my hard earned money on ungreatful, selfish pains in my butt is too much to ask from me!
But I WILL be buying each step-grandson something SMALL. I want my sd especially to get all pissy because the spoiled rotten "princess" didn't get anything and I didn't fall at her feet like her mama and daddy do. But my kids will be having the BEST Christmas they have EVER had and I am excited as heck about it!! I cannot wait to see their beautiful faces light up when they see that they got something they have asked for for years but we could never afford because we had too many kids and I didn't work.
But I cannot hold anything against innocent children. It's not their fault the way their idiot parents act. At least with the step-grandkids, they actually GROW up with you from birth (generally) and they will love you regardless if you are blood related or not. In fact... what better way to get back at the sk's then to have their own children love the snot out of you? ROFL I'm not saying USE the kids, but it's just a pleasant side effect of being a stepparent with step-grandkids. }:)