Not been on here for a loooong time...

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OK not sure where to start but all i know is Im at the end of my tether now with my husband. In August 2010 I married my husband who at the time had three sons who were all in their late teens/early twenties. I had always had issues with them but figured the wedding would help with getting the family back together in some way. What I hadnt factored into this equation was the middle son being an alcoholic and effectively drinking himself to death four months after the wedding. Middle SS had been out with his brothers for the eldest one's birthday just before Xmas 2010, and he had an 'accident' after drinking over $100 worth of alcohol just to himself. He spent four months in a coma and eventually died the week after his 25th birthday. His birth mother was at this time nowhere to be seen so I was having to do the complete parenting role, plus support the family through the stress that was going on at the time. My SS's birth mother never came to the funeral and had very little to do with anything around the hospitalisation or anything that has happened before or since the 'accident' which took her middle son.

So... almost three years later... Eldest SS is still on anti depressants, has no job and is expecting a baby with the GF he was with at the time. Youngest SS is about to graduate from a media degree and is doing really well. Thats all fine... however... neither SS or my husband will even remotely think of letting go of one tiny memory of the other brother, and anything I do to try and help or encourage them not to just keep living for their brother/son is just falling on deaf ears.

Just before Xmas 2013, my husband asked if the youngest SS could come and stay as he was taking part in some seminar or another to do with his degree, so he came up to stay the night. The following mornig I was told a TV crew were coming to the house to interview him about the binge drinking documentary he had done as part of a TV campaign to try and stop people binge drinking over the holiday. TO say I was angry about this is an understatement as I felt my privacy and my trust had been violated. My husband said he hadnt been aware of it and was sorry but still let the interview continue. The documentary was aired a week or so later and my husband forcibly made me sit down and watch it despite my saying I didnt want to - his exact words were 'well you have to watch it sometime' Why exactly did i HAVE to watch it, surely I should be allowed to have an opinion of my own?

Something similar also happened more recently where the eldest SS had put a video montage of phtos of his brother on YouTube as a memorial to him and had shared it with everyone on facebook, and had tagged me in it to make sure I saw it. I didnt look at it and deleted the tag of me on it because I dont want to see it any longer. AN argument then happened because apparently I didnt care about the SS's at all or how they felt... But at NO time during the past almost three years have my feelings or thoughts been considered. ive supported everyone in the family and done my best to keep everything going all the while everyone is keeping the other SS's memory alive and not wanting to move on.

If I mention counselling im told that nobody needs it as everyone is just getting on with their lives, but theyre not, and theyre not letting me move on either. i dont want to be dragged along in this permanent memorial of someone who wasted their life because they didnt want help when it was offered to them.

We had tried to help middle SS many times, taking him to support groups, the Doctors, hospital and counsellors, but he didnt want the help, he didnt want to face up to what he was doing to himself - So I find myself stuck in this spiral of family grief that I dont want to be stuck in, only I cant talk to my husband because for getting on for three years now Ive been pretty much ignored when it comes to my feelings on this. This issue completely dominates our relationship as its always there in the back of everyones mind, and its making me feel like Im being suffocated by the memory of someone who even if he were alive, would have no idea what he was doing to those people around him who loved him.

I honestly dont know what to do, i feel lost and hopeless...

Im trying my hardest to stay

Im trying my hardest to stay out of it but theyre literally dragging me back into it every time i try and take a step away and look at it objectively. I agree counselling would be a good idea but its not gonna happen, none of them think they need it... I hardly knew my SS that passed either as none of them lived with us, and the only tiem we saw him was when he was out of cash and needed to pay rent...

I'm sorry that you're

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this! I lost my older sister seven years ago, when she was 33. I still miss her terribly, and tears spring to my eyes whenever something reminds me of her. It's much harder on my dad. We don't speak much of her, because it's such a sad part of our life. He had a girlfriend at the time of her death, and they aren't together anymore - she couldn't understand why he couldn't get over it. She complained to me about him crying at night, and how with the passing of time it shouldn't be such a burden on him. I don't mind telling you, I'm pretty glad that she's no longer in our life.

Have you thought about doing some counseling just for yourself? You could speak to a grief counselor, who might be able to help you cope with your SS's and husband's grief. Everyone progresses at their own pace, there is no right or wrong timeframe when it comes to grief.

I might see if I can get some

I might see if I can get some counselling for myself for now but I would have to do it in secret as my husband doenst like me to speak to anyone but him about any problems Im having... Ironic really that Im having to talk online to people about things because he doesnt listen... and also remember to delet my internet history!

Thanks, yeah they seem to

Thanks, yeah they seem to think keeping his memory alive is the best thing to do, but I dont think it is. I also grieve in a different way, ive always been taught its a private thing, and not something that should be broadcast on national TV. its not that i dont care, I do care, I have had to take the place of the BM in the situation because she just wasnt around... so I know all about having the responsibility of doing whats right for them all but I dont think its necessary to force people to participate in something they feel uncomfortable with

So, you're giving your

So, you're giving your therapist grieving advice now? Ha! I'm kidding with you but that's how I read it at first.

OP, I have no words of wisdom except that you can't control anything around you. All you can do is learn to manage or move on yourself. Our family recently suffered a loss and although I don't feel the magnitude of their grief, I wouldn't dare give them a grief timeline by which they should follow.

wow, this is a hard

wow, this is a hard situation. I wish I had some sound advice but really I don't know how I would cope in the same situation.

I would probably try to explain to DH that we all grieve in our way and to please allow you to do what you need to do - which is not partake in the ongoing memorials.

DH and his other sons are bonding over this and it may take a long long time for them to come around - if ever.

Definitely go see someone just for yourself - not to tell you how DH and other SS's should grieve. There really is no right or wrong way to grieve IMO. I don't think it is healthy to dwell on it though as it can cause depression and feelings of hopelessness - but again that is just my opinion.

I wish you all the best and hope things turn around for you soon.

Hugs.

You say some things that I

You say some things that I find way more concerning than the fact that your DH seems so stuck in this part of his life. He Forcibly made you sit through a tv show? As in he physically restrained you? He threatened you? I'm not totally clear on the actual action, but if my DH tried to forcibly make me do anything, as in using force or the threat of force, I'd call the cops on him. You also say you'd have to go to therapy in secret because he doesn't Like it when you talk to anyone else about any problem you have. So if you're having a bad day, he gets upset if you call your mom, sister, best girlfriend and vent? I don't know your dynamic other than what you've stated here and obviously I'm not in Your relationship, but if my DH told me he didn't Like it when I talked to anyone else about any problem I was having, I'd tell him too bad. You obviously don't Like quite a few things he does, but that doesn't seem to alter his behavior the way you allow his displeasure to alter yours.

Maybe it's not the way your life really is, but your DH sounds rather controlling from what you've posted here. Which might be something you want to talk to a therapist about as well....

Your initial Post made me

Your initial Post made me suspicious but then you added a comment further down that confirmed it. That comment was you have to erase your internet history so your husband won't find out you've been interacting with people on-line who might be able to help you.

Either you start to toe the line or you get away from this controlling person. I'm not advising either way as the whole of your life with him dictates your decision not this one subject - the death of his son. Is it just this one thing he's controlling or does he control a lot or even all of your life? Is he limiting your interactions with others in your family, your children, friends, etc?

If he is completely in charge then there is only one option to end it and that is to leave. Divorce the whole bunch and move on. If its just this one problem you have worth speaking of then it may be worth living with on the assumption that on average a hour or two a week or even a month is wasted on this subject.

It's not up to you, indeed you have no control over, how they spend their time, its just a matter of how much of your time is wasted in this way.

I went through a similar

I went through a similar situation 2 years ago...except it was the bm who passed away...No matter what I said or did...I was either told I had no compassion, or i didn't do enough for them...and they constantly bring her up ...in a jabbing manner to try and covertly say "We all loved her better than you"... so, after a year of watching them all grieve...I realized I needed to disengage for healthy reasons...not to hurt them...not to give anyone the silent treatment....but to focus on my own issues I was having issues with her death at that time ( Yes, stepmothers are human and we have feelings that we need to process...even if we did not get along with the bm at all)...I discovered in that time of disengaging and focusing on them all the time, that I had stored up a lot of anger over 25 plus years of experiencing mental and emotional abuse from the bm...with no one stepping up to the plate to help me, nor did I stand up for myself....She just ran us all over....over and over again....and no one checked her on it....They are still in the process of trying to figure out what life is going to loo like, I have been healed of my anger, set free from their toxic way of "Processing " life...It is like watching them on a merry go round to no where....they do not have the resources to help them overcome this and move on...but that is no reason to hold me back from obtaining my own freedom and moving forward with my own journey. Which is exactly what I have done for the past 9 moths now...I cannot tell you the progress I have been able to make...

I feel bad for them, but they are all adults around 40, and have to make their own choices for themselves...Like you said, they want to wallow in the past...I think their misery is sustained by a group effort to keep it alive...I do know that each person, when grieving the loss of someone...is a personal experience and differs from person to person...Their grief is their own...I know because I lost one of my children when he was only 21..My ss decided to go on vacation rather than attend the funeral...but expects me to be there for them now that they have lost someone...I went to the bm's funeral...extended as much grace as I could muster...but there is definately a double standard when it comes to what is expected...I have been set free from the unrealistic definition of what the role of stepmother is especially now that they are adults...

I am not their mother, I am not their Father...I am just me. Being a stepmother is only a sliver of all that I encompass...I have 4 bio children, I am an aunt, grandmother, sister, an entrepreneur, I have many different aspects to my life other than playing the stepmother role. They have made it clear both covertly and now overtly...both on an individual and corporate level that they treat me with apathy, have told me their family is none of my business because they were here first (after 26 years of putting up with all the drama)...and are acting like 12 year olds, because they do not have the resources to overcome their situation, don't want to, and are fine with staying where they are, as long as they can hold their father hostage to the drama...Well, that's a problem since he is my husband also, and we both want to move forward....

needless to say...they are trying extremely hard to take a family that has been blended for 26 years and divide it right down the dan middle/ creating division in my home with my family, and trying to urinate all over our culture in our home just isn't going to work for ME...yes ME (as well as my spouse)...I know ow you feel when you get no consideration from these selfish souls...That is when you have to stand up and have consideration for yourself, otherwise, you will begin believing the message they convey to you that you do not matter..WRONG...now is the time to respect yourself...Ir may be had, but your H is not going to do it for you...That is why many women on this site get run over....over and over again...You have to consider your own needs for yourself...because if you don't secret resentment will build up in you and it is not healthy to keep it all tucked inside...One day it will just pop out...Like it did with me...I was surprised that I even had anger issues...but when I discovered the source of my pain for such a log time...i was able to deal with it and move on...At the end of the day...this is your journey just as much as it is theirs...if you let their issue make your needs disappear...it is not healthy...You have to watch your own back...because non of them are able to do it for you...Be Strong...have the courage to tell your H what your needs are..and get of the merry go round to nowhere...at first it might be hard...but if really does love you...he will rise above this with you...Otherwise you will outgrow him...He has to see it is time to get off the merry go round and go catch some sunsets with his wife before life passes you both by...What yo focus on...You empower...focus on yourself and your marriage..you cannot control all the other stuff anyway...so why let it consume all your energy?