Newby to the Site
Hi All,
I am new to this site and really need some sort of advice and support to help me work through my feelings. :?
I have been on many websites and have had counselling over the years I have been with my husband, for many different issues. 
However, I have come to a final conclusion that as well as suffering from low-self esteem, being a stepmonster is a probable cause, because your d***** if you do and d***** if you don't.
I am not sure where to start with my story and request forgiveness if it goes on and on...it doesn't help that my 7 remaining family members live 135 miles away in a Southerly direction and I feel like I have no-one on my-side (if I need to feel I have sides) to understand what I have been going through for the last 14 years on and off.
I married my partner of 14 years, 5 years ago this December and we have had a beautiful 7 year old daughter together. He also has two daughters (26 and 24) from his first marriage which ended very accrimoniously - I played no part to that as I was only 11 when he first got married and they'd split 7 years before, when i came on the scene. He'd just broken up with his 'mistress' for whom he had cheated on with his first wife.
I was 31 and very very naive. I went from girlfriend to part-time step-mum within two months.
I have experienced every single emotion possible to man/woman/child over the last 14 years - however, I need help because I constantly feel like an outsider. Husband and ex-wife are friends now and I should be happy for them and the children, but I cannot understand why I feel so fed-up and home sick for most of the time.
This is only the tip of the ice-berg and like I say - I don't want to bore people - I just want to learn to understand how to build my self-esteem, confidence and feel like I am actually worth something to the man I married. I want us to move near to my family but feel guilty because I would be taking him and our daughter away from their home towns and family, etc, etc......
If anyone knows or understands what I am going through, your understanding would be received graciously...
Thanks for reading,
Billybee
xx
Welcome to ST! The things
Welcome to ST! The things you speak of eg low self-esteem, feeling of low worth to your partner, are common in 2nd wives, I think. Even if your husband says that his first marriage was a terrible mistake, as mine does, you often end up feeling of secondary importance to his first family and in competition for his time and attention with his children, even if they are grown.
It would help to know what specific problems you are facing at the moment - are there issues with your adult SDs? What are the circumstances that make you feel like an outsider - are your SDs and/or your husband's exW competing with you for his time? You mentioned your husband is now friends with his ex - is this a problem for you?
We are all step parents here and are ready to try and support and advise you as best we can.
Hi Kes, Thanks so much for
Hi Kes,
Thanks so much for your answer...yes I suppose the problems I am facing and still keep facing are of old - some are new - but they've been spinning round my head for years.
Feeling invisible (especially to the eldest daughter who at times used to walk into our house - she has keys, sweep straight past me without acknowledgement and straight up to her father) - I'd be left feeling totally confused. I would always be the last to know about anything that happened in their lives - even though I have never pushed the relationships with them - i let them come to me.
Even at the very beginning of my relationship with my husband - his ex-wife was a big problem, she was always creating friction between us. I know this because he would go into a silent and dark mood and I knew she'd been on the phone. Even though I had absolutely nothing to do with the impact of their relationship split which I believe at times was violent from the ex's part - bricks through windows and fighting with the mistress, I always felt the element of 'unfinished business' between them.
I know people will say 'you knew what you were taking on', but to be honest, in reality no, I didn't, because everyone/situatio is different.
I have a good relationship with my youngest skid and have been honoured to help her plan and organise her wedding which took place on Easter Saturday. But even at that event I still felt a little like a 'stranger' invited to attend someone'e elses big day, but I was useful at the end when it came to taking the presents home/cake etc, etc. I just want to stop feeling like the outsider - it's not like I don't have a life outside of this relationship...
It's just the way it is and I have to fit in around them. I suppose I'm just being selfish and that I should be glad that everyone gets on well, but I feel a very strong desire to move right away from them and their lives now and for my husband, little daughter and I to build our own life...
There is loads of old feelings inside me which I have never been able to discuss with husband because of different circumstances that have cropped up during our lives and when I have tried he's always just told me to deal with it or he gets angry....
Thanks again for your support...
Oh I also forgot to mention
Oh I also forgot to mention that the eldest SD26 lives in one of our houses and pays next to nothing to live there. She's always tapping her father for money and when her friends asked her what would she do if her car broke down she just laughed and said that she'd be ok because she has her father. Even on the day our baby girl was born, she tapped her father for a lift somewhere, taking him away from the most important part of birth, the bonding. He was gone from the labour room within 15mins of our daughter being born and didn't return for 5 hours. I have never been mean or angry to the girls and have always felt that it wasn't their fault that their parents split up but to be honest now, after 14 years of it I'm tiring a little and feel my OH needs to step up to the mark of supporting me and our little girl first....
I can not imagine a man
I can not imagine a man leaving his wife and newborn!!! Clearly he has issues of being manipulated by his children. I am sure they took delight in that shameful incident.
Step world can be a crazy hell sometimes. You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. My husband's daughters refused to attend our wedding and then dropped a bomb on it, and have been gone for three years. Now the youngest wants her daddy back, so by my refusal to put out the welcome mat for her, I am the bad guy. Always the bad guy, if they are not demanding money, they are demanding equal status as me, his spouse. My dh always compares our own parents marriages, how they worked as a team. Well first marriages share the same house, same kids, etc. I share my dh with a pack of his daughters whonot only are strangers to me, but really cruel people.
Hopefully now you guys can move forward now, but the adult children will always be on his other arm pulling in the other direction.
WoW, thank you all so much
It is not too late for you to
It is not too late for you to get your life back - whether it be with your DH or not. What do you want for your daughter? Do you want her to see SD treating you like crap, then think she can do the same over some monor disagreement? Insist that DH inform SD she is to respect you in your home - you deserve this. If he doesn't do it, you will have to do it yourself. It may take a little time. Your DH may get mad - too bad. You may need to make an alternate plan for you and your daughter if your DH does not cooperate but I suspect once you put your foot down things will change. I write this to you bacause I put up with the same thing for over 20 years then one day realized I deserved as much respect as anyone else. My SD would use her key to open the door then walk by me and treat me like I was invisible. She was just plain nasty to me then an angel in front of DH. She did NOT get the key when we changed the locks. She finally had a meltdown in front of Daddy and showed her true hate for me. DH ran out the door. I had to take matter into my own hands. I disengaged from her and banned her from my home until DH informed her, in my presence, that she was to treat me with respect in my home. It has been over two years and DH has yet to do this. I have no objections to him seeing her whenever her wants (except holidays and birthdays) but until he gets the courage to set her straight she can stay the hell away. And I am slowly getting my self-esteem back. Yes, there have been some painful times in the past two years but it has really worth it to stand up for myself.
You have your whole life
You have your whole life ahead of you and a beautiful daughter. I had my son at 40 too. Put yourself first and stop even thinking about the SD's, who cares about them? All my skids are in their 30's and i really don't care what they do anymore. Over it
I spent my 40's focusing on myself and it was the best thing i could have done. I am 48, went back to school and got a better job. You can change this for the better 
Never think you have left it
Never think you have left it too late. I changed my life totally when I was exactly your age - 44 - I left my exH, went to live in a different part of the UK, new relationship with the man who is now my DH, new full time job. It was a very big step but I don't regret it (except sometimes when the SDs are getting me down!) - and if you do decide to go down this road you may look back and think "why didn't I do this sooner?"
Hi All, You are soo right in
Hi All,
You are soo right in what you say and I am eternally grateful that I am not the ugly-inside person I have been feeling like, since so many of us share the same views....
Well, it looks like my lovely week away with our daughter (down in the Midlands with my Mum) is trying to be thwarted by SD23 comments.....I think my little one has a tummy bug and although she's drinking loads and I had to leave her with SD23 to go work today, because my OH says I cannot have a day off work and then a week holiday (but I think my boss would totally understand) - I know I'm weak, but I really have no confidence or self-esteem where they're concerned.....I don't know how to re-build it either to be honest.
Anyway, back to the issue. Younger SD23 said that she don't think I should be taking her half-sister anywhere until she's better (this from the mother who cannot even bring herself to wipe her little 2yr olds runny nose) - I hate the way the skids think they have moral/ethical right over their half-sis. It's as if she's 'their' child and I'm just the biological babysitter.....I'm so angry right now.....I will assess my little one's condition, but to be frank, I can't wait to pack my car with daughter in it, sick or not and get the hell out of the hell that I live in and go and spend quality time with people who we really matter to....
I can't believe this SD is starting to behave like this, mind you her mother only went back home to Spain yesterday, so there is probably loads of poison in there!!
Oh yeah, OH is having a racing day at Aintree - getting drunk no doubt.....
Love and peace to all.
xx