Narcissistic Stepson Ruining Marraige
i have been married to my second wife for just over 10 months now and I don’t see making it to our one year anniversary. At just 6 weeks into our marriage her 30 year old son started cussing me out in their garage for God only knows why. I walked away and told my wife that his anger and dislike towards me, which had been evident for over a year had finally erupted and nobody deserved to be talked to like that. Initially she agreed, but later said she would always see her children. I was specifically told I was not welcome in their home or anywhere near his family. They have a 2 year old son, and have withheld visitation from my wife unless she comes without me. They have had Christmas dinner where I was specifically excluded, but she still went.
She complains that she “is stuck in the middle”, and through it all I have encouraged and tried to support her going so she can see her grandson, even though I am deeply hurt. I told her she is “in the middle” because she has let them control her life. My feeling is she should be by my side and set some healthy boundaries. But I think she is afraid to do that because of his narcissistic personality and the fear of not seeing her grandson, and the baby due at the end of September. She continues to walk on eggshells around him so he doesn’t get upset.
This has gone on now for almost 9 months, and I have reached a place where I have forgiven (but not condoned) what happened for my own peace of mind, and even asked their forgiveness for whatever it is I have done to make them feel this way. All of this in an effort to come to some reasonable solution that frees my wife from having to make a choice between me and her kids. But in true narcissistic fashion, they have now deflected the chance to take the hurt away from my wife in making a choice between me and them, and have said if I am battling depression they are concerned for her because I may be a suicide risk. Never try to reason with a narcissist because they need to be in control and they will resort to whatever it takes to keep the upper hand. It’s never a conversation, but rather a dialog duel where they must win.
I am at my wits end and have told my wife that her children are controlling her life and want to split us up. All she will say is that “it’s a difficult situation” and she “understands their concern”, so the deflection worked. She has a problem in seeing her kid for what he is, and by doing so she just enables the behavior. Let me be clear that I am not suicidal and my depression is based in her family’s treatment of me and how they exclude me all the time. I am seeking treatment from medical professionals and practice mindfulness, meditation, read, and research as much as I can so that I can grow and learn from all that has happened I am happy with who I am, and proud of the character I have shown but I cannot keep going on like this
I am at the point where I told my wife that they are the ones that are forcing her to make a choice, and then asked her what she wanted. All she could say was “I don’ know”. Not “I want to work it out” or “I want to be married to you”. My response... I told her I am not going anywhere and if she decides that she wants to be married to me she needs to realize how she is being manipulated by their actions and she needs to commit to the marriage.
Am I Wrong?
You are incorrect about one thing...
it’s not your SS ruining your marriage, but rather your wife. Her poor parenting and ever more poor boundaries with her son are causing the problems. Her son may be a jerk, but her choices in dealing with him are what’s causing your problems.
You have a choice if you want to live this way, as sadly she does not even seem to understand her role in all this.
They have had Christmas
They have had Christmas dinner where I was specifically excluded, but she still went.
I am just trying to picture this, either regarding my husband or my dad. It just wouldn't happen. My husband would never go to his daughters if I was not welcome, also, and my dad would turn me down flat if I specifically excluded his wife.
Your stepson may me an ass but your wife is the problem.
The first step is to take
The first step is to take care of myself, which I am doing. Exercise, time outside, time with friends, omega-3 and vitamin supplements. I am seeing doctors for the depression, but not wild about the medications I am on. That has been changed several times, but still not helping. I am going for a different treatment tomorrow that is drug free, but we are just treating symptoms and not the cause. The sad part is I am on my own throughout all of this. My DW has shut down and says she doesn’t know what to do, when in fact I think she does, but she is too afraid to confront her son. And to make matters worse, she internalizes everything so there is no active discussion. I feel so alone. I know what brought on the depression. It all started when 30SS started making her feel bad for marrying “a man like that”. It has gotten progressively worse due to DW inability to deal with it. She has placed a higher value on keeping her kids happy than on our marriage. In the end she gives up nothing while I have to give up things that are important to me, like feeling my wife has my back and that our marriage means something to her..As I originally stated, I don’t see this marriage lasting to the one year mark.
No, you are not wrong. What
No, you are not wrong. What is wrong for family to purposely exclude a step-parent, just because they are the step-parent and not the bio parent. It is childish and ridiculous to do this to someone, unless there is some very valid reason. Just to not invite someone to family functions because "he is not our bio dad" and "we want our happy family back the wayb it use to be" is wrong. Having a spouse that goes along with the exclusion game is wrong.
My hateful adult steps have and continue to not invite me to many of their functions. The only time I am invited is if it will make the adult skids look bad if I am not invited. When it is a gskid event or if the oldest adult skid is planning anything, only DH is invited. Only DH is allowed near the gskids, never me, and oldest adult step hates me beyond belief just because I am married to his parent. I have never done anything to this person, but he hates me nonetheless. It was a shock at first, but this site really helped in understanding I am not alone in the way I am treated by the adult steps. None of the adult steps like me. I tried to get along with them, and am done trying.
I am lucky now that my DH does not put up with their exclusion games and refuses to attend anything they purposely exclude me at. I am at the point where I wouldn't want to go anymore, because of how I was treated the times I did attend. A good and decent spouse seriously puts their marriage first and respects their spouse and does not allow their spouse to be treated this way. Maybe couples counseling will help you both out.
If it helps, when I first met my DH, I was 100% excluded from everything having to do with the adult skids. At first I didn't care, but as we were together longer, thought it was odd why this man couldn't bring a date with him. I got past the hurt and my BF at the time, realized how it was not right of the adult skids to do this and started to let them know it. It took some time for him to see they are not the perfect people they pretend to be. Although he knew it, it was hard for him to admit he brought these hateful beings into the world.
We have tried couples
We have tried couples counseling and she was not really doing any of the things the therapist was asking us to do. Worse than that, she totally misrepresented what her son had texted saying he apologized in his own way. When I finally got to read the text messages it was so much worse than when he cussed me out in their garage. She has tuned a blind eye to it and gets defensive about it if I talk about what he is doing. This seems to be a lost cause unless DW wants to make this marriage work. She wanted to stop after about 10 sessions.
Blood IS thicker than marriage....
Youve heard that now famous quote. That is her blood, and that will be with her forever. Perhaps she realizes that you can/will leave whenever, and is forcing you out as a self-fulfilling profecy? Who knows. Its irrelevant at this point. So sorry you are going through this, and now have a divorce to look forward to.
I agree with others that this
I agree with others that this is a problem with your wife more than her son. Her son is an ass, but your wife is enabling his bad behavior. I don't see anything in what you've written that would lead me to believe your wife values you or your relationship. It sounds like you're well aware of that and will act accordingly. Take care of yourself.
So it gets worse, or becomes
So it gets worse, or becomes more clear. My DW is a narcissist too. She just laid the blame on me for the guilt she feels whenever she goes to se her son. Is she seriously try to gaslight me? I did not create the situation. I have tried to find a solution, and her son keeps it going. She is under his control and has already made her decision. So it’s done.
Whose decision was it not to go?
Yes, your wife is gaslighting you. It appears you were too much of a problem to accompany her to the skid's house. And with SS's remarks about your depression he was the one who initiated the exclusion.
It appears your wife owns the house you presently reside in. Do you have funds to move out - possibly a 'temporary' separation?
I own the house. Talking with
I own the house. Talking with friends to gain another perspective, but it feels like a separation is what is needed. She can go live with her mini-husband.
And yes 30SS was the one the initiated the exclusion about 9 months ago. So I was not welcome yesterday
welcome to st.
welcome to st.
Your wife "feelllls" in the middle because SHE has put herself there.
In our home no one is welcome IF they disrespect my husband OR myself. That includes my own bio's, my bio family...anyone.
Nice that you both are on the
Nice that you both are on the same page. Until she is willing and able, we are probably going to need to separate
A lot of us choose to stay in
A lot of us choose to stay in our marriages and disengage from the skids. That's what I did and it's OK. Sometimes when he goes to see her and I'm alone all day, it still gets in my head and makes me miserable. I still feel I somehow failed to make it work with SD, even though logically I know I did what I could. I can't understand why my husband would endorse her bad behavior rather than demanding she act decent to his wife. Yes, I felt betrayed by my husband many times over the years regarding SD's bad behavior toward me. But in the end, the good of the marriage outweighed the bad.
You sound as if you're in the thick of realizing the huge problem between you and your wife. I remember the shock of that point in my marriage. To think this person you thought you knew would throw you under the bus for someone else who behaves so badly! We all get that because we've all gone through it.
Before you throw in the towel, be sure disengagement can't give you some relief. It's not ideal, it's certainly not the way I envisioned my relationship with my husband's daughter after all these years. But all marriages offer disappointment in one way or another, and they all require compromise. Maybe this is your disappointment and disengagement is your compromise. It gave me some relief from the point when I thought I couldn't go on in my marriage, so now I don't see SD, we don't discuss her, she isn't welcome in my house. The compromise on my husband's part might be that he chooses not to see SD as much as he would if she weren't such a hostile bitch toward his wife, but I'm not really sure.
The difference is that your SS has kids to use as pawns with your wife. That is a powerful tool he has.
I am suggesting disengagement because I remember feeling as you do and feeling utterly at a loss to go on. Disengagement does require swallowing some pride and choosing (and I mean willfully choosing) to bury the resentment and betrayal you feel and instead focus on whatever good there is in your marriage. Maybe there really isn't enough good to carry on, but it's also OK to choose not to hold onto the resentment if there are good qualities in your wife. I was able to identify things my husband accepts in me that aren't great and other men probably wouldn't tolerate and that's made it easier for me to settle with disengagement.
I don't know how deep your depression is -- only you know if it's a threat to your well being to stay in the marriage. For me, I know I made myself sick and miserable by holding onto that resentment. I let it go for the most part and I'd say we're happily married, but I had to choose to be happy and let go of the resentment.
On the other hand, maybe you did choose the wrong person and it would be better to get out now rather than endure more suffering and depression. If you get out, there might be someone really great in your future and you'll be glad you divorced someday. It's a crap shoot, but you have plenty of company trying to weigh the odds.
Thank you marblefawn. That
Thank you marblefawn. That really struck a chord with me on so many levels. I truly do love my wife more than anything. It’s so incredibly sad that her kids cannot see that and just be happy for her because I know she feels the same love for me.
This is an incredibly difficult position she is in. I want to be supportive of her so she can work it out, but I need to be true to myself too. As long as everyone refuses to focus on the root problem, nothing will change. I have tried detachment but I always seem to get sucked back in somehow.
I also realized the anger, hurt, and resentment I have been holding onto has been torturing me. So I honestly have gotten to a place of forgiveness (but not condoning) what has happened. At least that part has given me some relief. Maybe detachment could work now? But I know the hurt will continue for as long as the situation remains unchanged and that is what I need to work on and see if it’s something I can manage
But what you said about the sense of betrayal hit me the most. I just can’t wrap my head around it and how it feels she can’t understand how hurtful this is to me. Everyday. That’s what I need to figure out. If she ultimately blames me, then she is not the person I fell in love with because there is no compassion or understanding, which were two of her greatest qualities. If that does not extend to me, then I’m sure I can’t go on with the marriage.
As for the depression, the root cause is this whole exclusion thing. I can continue to treat the symptoms with medication, counseling, and other methods, but until we address the cause it will always be part of my life. That may be the real deciding factor.
marblefawn you do such a
marblefawn you do such a remarkable job in describing what most of us here are going through and feel. It really does help to see someone else understands. That really is the big mystery for me as well. Why would the person you love and who says they love you throw you under the bus. Why would they allow someone even if it is their child treat you so badly. I will never understand that part. I have a wonderful relationship with all my children. If they ever treated DH in the same manner, I would not hesitate to call them on it. My BD spoke in a very rude way to DH once and I told her she was not welcome in our house again until she apologized to him. She called him and apologized. It ended there. No resentment on either side. It was so very simple. All 3 of us have a good relationship now. It has not happened again. If it does I will say something to her again and set and reenforce the boundaries. I really don’t see what is hard. I am beginning to think that DH is also a narcissist as well as his 2 children. That none of them have the ability for empathy for others.
It is a hard pill to swallow. With out all the wisdom, understanding and support here, I would go crazy. I would not understand what is really going on. Thank you all.
I agree moose. Some people
I agree moose. Some people are just wired differently. You and I (and probably the majority of others here) see the problem and address it head on. It’s natural for us. Others are more conflict avoidance and want the problem to resolve itself. And that makes no sense to us. It’s that confusion that leads to that feeling of resentment. It’s like “Here is the problem. And here’s the solution.” But that’s not who they are. I know I try my best to help my wife understand that, but it frustrates her because it comes across as lecturing, controling, and maybe telling her how to parent her children (even though they are technically adults - just acting like children) That’s not our intention
We would expect them to do what we would do if the roles were reversed, What I have learned is that having expectations like that are unrealistic and unfair As hard as it is for us, we need to find a way to love and support our spouse as they try to work it out on their own terms. For me, the caveat is that she needs to do something to try and work it out. Otherwise nothing will change and the hurt will go on for as long as the marriage lasts.
This story is...
... a broken record to many of us out here. But, be assured that all of us who are dealing with NPD sKIDS have been here once. And, when we were each where you are we felt similarly (if not identical) to what you describe...
How could my wife allow her children to treat me that way? Behave that way in my home? Allow them to disrespect me? Allow them to speak/act so inappropriately towards HER without correcting it or even acknowledging it? And and and...
For YEARS at times, I thought I was absolutely losing my mind!
In my case, our narcissist is my SS22. It took me years to get here but we've been about 9m without major words about his son. This is a boy I met at 15yo, couldn't get along with his mother, moved into my home full time while regularly screaming, swearing, and putting his fist through walls. I paid for at least half of his living expenses since then (including his car and his college education) while he routinely (corrected) called me a *b1tch* to my face and a *c*nt" on social media. My husband just kept saying "his brain hasn't matured" and "I can't keep him from expressing his opinion".REALLY, I'm sure taking his car keys and cell phone that we pay for might help. Daddy Dearest would never do that.
The latest slight was I was formally told I was NOT invited to the college graduation for the degree that I paid for. Were my feeling hurt? Sure. And, then I spent the day with my girlfriends at the spa.
Things aren't all peachy all the time. Disengagement has helped a LOT. It's taken a long time, a lot of practice and MANY late nights on Steptalk.
We are a pretty good support system. That being said, take care of YOU.
Sodisapointed, I really feel
Sodisapointed, I really feel bad for you. I totally understand how you are feeling. It is so hard to deal with the betrayal you feel from the person you love. It hurts down to the core. I am in the very early stages of disengagement. It does help. You have to do what is best for you. You have to take care of you. I still have bad days. But not as many as I did. The support you get here will really help. The people here really do get what you are going through and how you feel. It really is a shock to learn that the person who is suppose to be there for you, does not have your back.
The part that is hardest for me is that is seems so very simple to me, that you stand up for your spouse. That is the vows you took. If you have a good relationship with your kids, you will not lose then by standing up to them and setting boundaries on how you expect them to treat others. That is just good parenting. Even with my kids being in their 20’s and 30’s I still expect them to respect others. They know if they treat my DH poorly it will not fly by me. They know that we are a couple. They don’t feel threatened by that. They have their own lives and are able to allow me to have mine. We all also have a life together based on mutual respect. It is not rocket science.
The feeling of betrayal really makes you go through mourning. You really do feel like a large part of your marriage has died. You feel such a big loss. That is the part that rips your heart at. Why can’t this person stand up for you, the same way you stand up for them. Only you can figure out if you can disengage and stay in the marriage.
Stay on steptalk. You now how people who understand your feelings. Hugs to you.
Thanks moose. Being here is
Thanks moose. Being here is helping. I am here because I want to understand. Knowing others are going though all of this too and hearing how they cope with it gives me hope. But you are right when you say it feels as though part of your marriage died. That’s something to be sad about.
I am going to try to detach again and see if it goes better. My wife says her kids, and now she, feels I am keeping her from them. Now all 3 want her without me and they see this as an unhealthy relationship. Very sad because it all started with her oldest son. But nobody is focusing on that part. Just my inability to be OK with how I have been treated.
This is an incredibly
This is an incredibly difficult position she is in.
But she needs to see that she has put herself there. She has allowed her son to not only disrespect you, but herself, as well. She in turn, is disrespecting you and your marriage.
Her son has no respect for her and she rewards that by going to his home, where you are not welcome. Her son is basically giving her an ultimatum every time he invites her over, she is making the choice, and the choice is NOT you. Betrayal, indeed.
If he had any resepect for his mother, he would respect the fact that you are her husband.
I cannot even imagine inviting someone, anyone, to Christmas dinner and telling them that they cannot bring their spouse. I can't imagine what kind of person would agree to that.
I know all of that. Clearly
I know all of that. Clearly that’s what makes this so incredibly difficult. As I said most of us here see the problem and the solution. But not everyone is wired the same. We cannot fault them for that. It’s who they are. But at the same time we need to be safe and ok with what is happening. And that is also different for everyone. The key is to be aware of what is really going on and not read meaning into actions without gaining a better understanding.
Where is the LOVE LOVE LOVE
Where is the LOVE LOVE LOVE button FOR HEREIAMs response above!!!!!
Agree
"I cannot even imagine inviting someone, anyone, to Christmas dinner and telling them that they cannot bring their spouse. I can't imagine what kind of person would agree to that." I can understand if the Step Parent initially was the one to ban the skid from their home. I banned SD from our home so I am not insulted if she does not welcome me to hers. But if I ever DID invite her I would never be so rude as to tell her she can not bring her spouse. In the OP's case it appears SS initiated the alienation and exclusion. You nailed it, "If he had any respect for his mother, he would respect the fact that you are her husband."
I will make a suggestion only
I will make a suggestion only, because this is what I did: If you want to make this marriage work; tell your DW, if she doesn't correct the disrespect from SS and his family, you will correct it; then do just that and leave her out of it. I set my SD57 straight and it took drastic measurers, I warned DH and he didn't believe I would ever do it. She is not allowed to come into our home without respect, or she will be escorted out, totally by Law Enforcement. Long story, but I've done this with DH and my SD57. You have to set boundaries concerning your home and your marriage.
As far as being excluded, you have no control over being invited or excluded from SS's home. I insist that my DH spend holidays with me; he can celebrate his grown kids's and grandkid's birthdays as he wishes. He is welcome to go anywhere, any time with Skids and Sgrandkids, except when we have plans; then their plans are made around our plans. Our home is our sanctuary, not theirs. They knock before entering (I keep the door latched), thus they have to knock.
I have set boundaries for myself and it includes the above, plus others, which suits our situation. Everyone's situation is different. I am totally disengaged from my SD57 and her immediate family. I get along well with my two grown SS's. Therefore, I take it as it comes and everyone, including all the family, knows my boundaries; everyone respects my boundaries, except SD57 and SGD34 (mother/daughter). SD and SGD live by my boundaries, because they know I mean business, but they hate it. I don't care what they like, nor do I care whether DH likes it; I have peace in my home and in my territory. My marriage is much better the past 5 years and I should have stepped up 30+ years ago.
I do not go into their homes, nor their territory. DH is welcome to take on that unpleasant visit.
Thank you sammigirl. I have
Thank you sammigirl. I have setup boundaries. They are not allowed in our home until they can respect me, their mom, and our marriage. I have tried to meet and have the respect discussion with them, but if they won’t meet, that’s as far as it can go. I have told my wife exactly what you have said in that she can go see them whenever, but she cannot lay any guilt she feels on me because I did not create the situation. I am trying to come to some resolution, which none of them want. So her frustration, resentment, anger, or guilt is misplaced and I will not tolerate that. That is emotional abuse. If she feels that way, she needs to do whatever it is she thinks is the right choice for her. I cannot and will not tell her what that is. That’s her stuff that she has to own. I am happy to help her in any way I can, short of taking the blame for this.
I am clear that there are boundaries that are in place. I want it to work out, but it’s not just me. All parties need to be on board. Currently that is not the case.
I am always growing and learning
Thank you sandye21. I am doing all of this for me first (because I deserve no less), then for my marriage (because it is sacred to me), and then my wife (because I truly do love her). I don’t feel selfish or guilty in the least. On the list of people that matter most in my life, I put myself right at the top because if I don’t take care of myself first, I’m not much help for anyone else.
I know the disengagement will be tough, but it starts now. We were supposed to go visit 24SD, who because of recent events asked DW to come without me. So I just I told DW to go on her own and have a great time. I have lots to do at home and I honestly think the break will be good for both of us. I can be stronger when she returns Sunday night. She will have had some time during the 8 hours of driving (4 each way) to think about what matters to her. I have done my best to communicate my feelings, but she is too wrapped up in her sons dilutions to be very receptive. I have to be honest in saying I look forward to the break.
Once we can sit and talk calmly I will tell her in no uncertain terms where my boundaries are. Her son is already not welcome here, but I will make the point clear. The others may come if I know they are coming and if they are respectful. Beyond that, she can go see any of them anytime for as long as she wants, unless we already have plans. I am going to insist on holidays, but I’m sure that will be a point of discussion because of her grandson and new baby due in September, both with the 30SS.
After that she needs to accept this is a result of her choices because she is unable or unwilling to set boundaries. Also, she cannot lay guilt on me for any of this. This is her making because she raised him and as you said, did not complete the project. If I have a bad day, it’s OK. I’m allowed to be sad (not depressed) about how that part of my marriage has died. But I plan on staying busy with other people and activities while she is out, so I expect those days to be fewer and fewer. She can make whatever choices she feels she needs to based on all that. My mental health is not going to be trashed because of their problems.
Wish me luck. It’s a never ending journey
You're on the right track!
You're on the right track! Good luck and (((hugs)))
Sodisappointed, as you
Sodisappointed, as you mentioned, the betrayal and that need to hear my spouse say, "I know none of this was your fault" are the two things that still bug me. If I press him, he will say it wasn't my fault (which I read to mean, yea, my daughter has a problem), but only if I press him, so it never seems very genuine to me.
Here's why I think detachment/disengagement might still work for you regarding those issues.
It's a domino effect: once I stopped seeing SD, I was no longer exposed to her nasty treatment. When I wasn't exposed to her nasty treatment, I didn't fight with him to defend me against the nasty treatment. When I stopped fighting for him to defend me, the sense of betrayal lessened. At first, the betrayal was still right at the surface and as soon as I'd even hear SD's name, the sting came right back. But I don't see her and he knows not to mention her so there's less sting. In time, the betrayal becomes a non-issue except for an occasional flare-up.
Likewise with my desperation for him to just say he knows I was not the cause of all this fallout. The less we talk about SD, the less I care whether he's convinced it wasn't my doing.
The betrayal, whose at fault for the fallout...those are still big painful things to me. But doesn't every marriage have some issue on which the spouses will never see eye to eye? Both of those things are weaknesses in our marriage, so the more I can avoid those subjects, the less damage they do to daily life, my moods and our marriage overall.
Don't hold out for your wife to explain why she'd let her kids treat you so poorly. Don't wait for that, don't expect it. Pretend her liking those awful kids is like her love of a food you'd rather starve than eat -- it's just a difference in taste, nothing personal. Take control of your situation to protect yourself by taking yourself out of her kids' path, then see what's left of the marriage.
Hating my SD, wishing her dead, worrying about her visits, worrying about having to deal with her...it all consumed a lot of my energy and dragged me down. I'm happier for letting that go and there's more peace, even though we really didn't solve the SD problem at all!
And you know what? When you practice this "letting go" thing, it can be applied to other disappointments as well. I was raging mad yesterday morning about a contractor's poor job at my house and the alarming rate at which everything in my house seems to be breaking. The tab to fix it all and all the hours dealing with contractors was ringing up in my head like a cash register! And then I suddenly thought, what the hell, so what if the stuff is broken? It's not the end of the world. If I want, I can go replace it all or sell the whole damn house full of broken stuff! So what if my husband's kid despises me? I don't have to see her anymore! It's nice to have some control over my emotions. *Some* control!
Imagine your life if you hadn
Imagine your life if you hadn’t married your DW. If it makes you smile then get out ASAP. If your marital situation is the cause of your depression, why not walk away while you still have your sanity, friend?
That’s not me
You see, I actually truly love my DW. Thinking about never having met her does NOT make me smile. I love her, but her oldest son is someone I would never associate with if he were some random guy on the street. I only tried to have anything like a relationship because he is her son. If doesn’t want that, his loss. I don’t need that kind of crazy in my life. So I chose to NOT engage in that crap anymore.
"I don't know" ended my
"I don't know" ended my first marriage. Even 28 years post divorce and nearly 24 years into an amazing marriage "I don't know" in the context of a marital issues discussion makes me cringe. This was my XWs default answer to just about any serious discussion question. Finally when I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she answered with "I don't know" I had something I could work with, found a marriage counselor and started down the path of either recovering or dissolving the marriage. Blessedly it was the latter result rather than the former and I got my life back and reconnected with the person I like being.
If she doesn't know then you are the one that has to know that it is time for them to go. Change the locks the next time she is visiting the manipulative adult StepSpawn and inform her via your divorce attorney that you do know and it is time for her to go live with her narcissist crotch nugget.
I don't tolerate "I don't know" any longer and I wouldn't if I were you. "I don't know" in this context is about the same as "I am done". So use this as your call to action and act. Protect yourself.
IMHO and experience of course.
Good luck and take care of you.
I Hear You, Loud And Clear
That was a watershed moment for me. I honestly let go of her right then. I am working on me because I know my value. Nobody defines that except me. I am giving it time and letting her process. Honestly, the more time she spends with the narcissistic SS, the less I see of the qualities that had me fall in love with her to begin with.
Right now I am in a much better place because of total disengagement from all of the skids. Turns out the narcissistic SS has more control on all of them, so better to be free from all that drama. Only DW can decide if she wants to commit to the marriage or go be with her “family”, I won’t tolerate “I don’t know”. Either she does or she doesn’t.
I am doing all I need to protect myself financially and emotionally. I took my ring off and gave it to her saying when she is ready to be my wife, we can talk and decide if that’s what we both want. But “I don’t know” means I am not putting the ring back on and the future will be whatever it will be.
Take care of you.
Take care of you.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
Thanks
I am good. I have value. I have boundaries. And I have determination.
I will keep everyone informed. I’m sure there will be ups and downs.