Christmas This Year ---
So for Christmas this year I thought it would be a good idea to do gift exchange and everybody get one name, and we do gifts that way. Everyone is low on money this year, and I thought that it would make it easier -- plus easier on us too! We have five total kids, plus two in-law children now, and a grandson. So, this way, rather than everyone buying 9 gifts, we do one gift. Of course, we are buying for grandson -- but it's about the kids, right?!
So the ages we have here are SD24, boyfriend 21, grandson, 2; SS23, wife 25; SS20, BD20, and SD18. Everyone was on board with it except SS23 and wife25. They didn't like the idea. Every other kid was on board with it.
So SS23 and wife25 had dinner with my BD20 yesterday, and SS23 says "so, we were surprised by the secret santa gift." Had no idea we were doing it and then boom, we're doing it. ASked my BD if she was apart of the "decision making process"! Good grief! We asked his opinion, he didn't like it, everyone else liked it - we went with it. Done. What the frick?!!
WHO FRICKING CARES!?? He tells me that Christmas is all about gift giving -- I don't know about you, but for me Christmas is about being with family, laughter, food, giving. My DH's kids always want super expensive gifts, and it's insane how we would go into debt trying to frickin please them. I'm done doing it!!
Before DH and I got together,
Before DH and I got together, I was shocked that he spent $250 on each kid (he has 6) and $100 on their spouses then then grandkids came and that was $50. Then I came in the picture - that BS stopped!!! We're down to $125 per family and too bad if they don't like it! Then they turn around and buy DH some cheap shit (1 year they all chipped in and bought him a $20 Kmart shirt and I was bold enough to ask where's the rest of the gifts (they hate when I throw their own words back at them!)
It would be nice to do Secret Santa; they do that at the golden egg's house but like you, a war started when I suggested we do it here at our house (was it because I suggested it? - probably).
I don't care anymore! Hell they even refuse to bring a dish to pass (they way they acted you would think that I asked them to cook the damn meal but they do it at the golden egg's house!)
Christmas isn't what it used to be - it's so damn commercialized!
I agree that it is too
I agree that it is too commercialized. I have gotten to the point since I married DH that I hate Christmas. I used to LOVE Christmas. Bah humbug!!
I love Christmas and buying
I love Christmas and buying presents but I also have gotten on board with Secret Santa's before because I respect when people are on a budget. Smacks of greed unless it is because they enjoy the gift giving.
I suggest as the name
I suggest as the name draw/secret santa thing you also put a dollar amount on the gifts. Otherwise you may end up with some spending $50 for their name and somebody else who drew that person's name giving a $10 or a dollar store candle.
Being it's your families first year of doing this unless you lay out the 'rules' of participating , you might end up Christmas with hurt feelings around your tree instead of smiles. We do draw names. We do it every Thanksgiving. Names go in a hat and the amount is agreed to pre-drawing. No one has to be in the hat if they don't want to be (though everyone in my family does). Everyone buys for the children (there are 3 a baby and two middle school kids)and with the kids there is a limit. $10 gift or $20 or whatever , it can even be homemade gift. With the adult family members we set the amount guideline. Of course a few bucks over/under isn't a big deal, but the amount is set to avoid hurt feelings. The drawer can indeed make their giving gift as long as the it'd be comparable price wise (supplies, time, and effort).
My favorite received gifts have always been the one's family members made and customized just for me. My garden is full of items my kids/grandkids have made and gifted me (herb troughs, stepping stones, bird bath and feeders). they've taken the time to see what would work where and how to naturally blend it into the garden before starting their project gift. They're truly made with thought, time and effort. Much more 'priceless' than dashing to the mall and buying Mom a sweater
anyway...thought I'd toss that out here so the next thing your little darlings aren't grumbling and whining about is 'they got cheated' at Christmas. Your family will adjust to the change and hopefully will actually enjoy it when they have. It's much more relaxing at Christmas rush season to focus on one or two gift ideas and just enjoy the company and good food.
I only WISH DH's family would
I only WISH DH's family would do this. Instead every single person is expected to buy for everyone else, and you end up getting a bunch of worthless crap you don't even want, when each person could have had one MEANINGFUL AND WELL THOUGHT OUT GIFT!
Half the time I donate it.
I used to love buying gifts
I used to love buying gifts and love Christmas, until I married DH. His kids are so unappreciative of anything I've ever bought them. When we were dating and I was a single mom, one income, I bought each of his kids a gift, and gave his oldest daughter at $25 gift card. At that time it was what I could afford -- and you figure I spend about $30 per kid, times 4 kids -- on a single person's budget. So his daughter says to me when she opens her gift card "that's it? What am I supposed to buy with that?" Wow. I was shocked and couldn't lift my jaw off the ground. So she left it out and when she wasn't looking, I took it back! Screw her.
I could use $25 if she couldn't. That wasn't the only thing I got her. I did get her some other little things too. I don't know if they just think we are rich beyond our means, or what, but every Christmas there has been some snide little comment made when I would give them gifts. I've just gotten to the point that I've completely HAD IT.
My SS (now20) has always complained every year when I would buy him gifts, whether it was new pajamas ("oh great, more pajamas, just what I need") -- complained about slippers I got him. Complained about the stocking stuffers. Always had this look of distaste every year. After 7 years of this, I've had it up to my eye balls!
It just was always never enough, never good enough. That year that his daughter complained about my gift, she also complained about his gifts to her. It was an awful Christmas. Every year, she has managed to ruin EVERY holiday that we have. If it is even possible, she even ruined Valentines one year.
THIS is why I dread any holiday with these ingrates! I LOVE getting things for other people -- my daughter, my nephews, etc. They appreciate -- and I get thank you cards telling me they loved what I get them (not my daughter, but my nephews), my sis, my parents, etc. Just not these brats. Ug!
This is the same treatment we
This is the same treatment we get from my step kids. My kids are so grateful. It exposes their rudeness even more. How did you do 7 years?! Ugh.
^^^^^ medication
^^^^^ medication
^^^^ I agree with you. We
^^^^ I agree with you. We are at an age (all of us really) that if we want something, we go buy it. My DH and I told all the kids that we would do a nice Christmas dinner and that would be our gift to all the kids. I thought that was fair.
I'm just not looking forward to seeing any of them now. Sigh.
We started drawing names in
We started drawing names in my family a few years ago. My younger sister and I were totally on board because we were both struggling financially at the time and our family is pretty big. My older sister is the one who balked. You'd think she was a little kid. She said she liked buying presents for everyone but of course when she she was told she still could if she wanted to but the rest of us were drawing names, she said she wouldn't if no one else did. Oh yeah, she likes the giving, right. I like drawing names because Christmas Day was seriously getting ridiculous with the mountains of presents that literally took hours to open and how broke we'd get from all the buying. This way everyone gets one nice gift, it doesn't take all day to open everything and we just get to hang out and enjoy being together as a family.
This year we all decided to go to my parents' house for Christmas two states away, and my mom wanted to forego the gifts all together because we will all be spending money to travel to them, but of course my oh so mature older sister (who is 42 by the way) had to complain again and I guess we're still exchanging but lowering the dollar amount. Ugh, cuz it's all about the presents. I wish we could be one of those families that only buys for the kids, but I'm the only one who has any so that wouldn't work. And I'm sure my older sister would never go for it anyway.
I'll admit I chose my
I'll admit I chose my daughter and her me, so that we would exchange with each other. When we told the rest of the family who their person was, some of them traded -- so it was not a big deal. I'm spending the same amount on her as everyone else would be with the gift exchange. I suppose he could be thinking that. My daughter's birthday is also two days before Christmas, so yes I'll be getting her gifts for her birthday.
I certainly do want to buy my daughter gifts rather than my skids because she actually appreciates what I do for her. They don't.
I'm sorry your step mom excludes you and your brother, while buying for her son only. That I don't do. That was why I wanted to have her -- so that I could buy for her without feelings getting hurt.
My SS said that they wanted to be able to buy gifts for everyone, and said that it gives them the opportunity to think about each individual person when they buy. My DH told him that they are welcome to buy for whoever they want -- that it is America. Of course, they are not going forward with that because that is not what it's about -- it is about THEM getting gifts from everyone else -- they are greedy. More gifts -- more gifts -- more gifts!
I think it is ok not
I think it is ok not too buy for adult steps. of course I will buy for my bio but he is a minor living with us, not 35 years old with her own kids.
I'm sorry your SM is like
I'm sorry your SM is like that stepaside, but not all SM's are like this. Every year I have made a point that each kid got the same amount spent on them, for Christmas and Birthdays -- and it was always even. My think is that I got tired of never getting thanked for any of the gifts -- they would thank Dad, but not me. I was the one buying the gifts. I have never told him that he can't buy them gifts. He just doesn't. It's only been in the last year that I quit doing stuff for them. My DH has went and bought cakes, and will make spaghetti for dinner. I just don't go out of my way to bake them something special or make their favorite meals anymore. I don't like being unappreciated.
When I would do Christmas stockings they would all roll their eyes at what I would buy -- it was stocking stuffers -- what did they expect? My daughter got many of the same things in her stocking and there was no eye rolling from her. I bought all of the kids the same book one year, and wrote something nice in the front from me, and found two of them in the garbage. I've also found a hand made knitted hat in the garbage that was mine - that had been in SD18's room -- I asked her why she threw it away and she said that she thought it was one *I* had made for her and she didn't want it anymore. It actually was MINE. This is why I don't go out of my way with them is due to things just like this. Why would I pour my heart and soul into something for them when they don't even appreciate it?
I've never told my DH that he can't do anything for his kids. EVER. Even when SD24 banned me from her life I didn't tell my DH that he couldn't go over there. I said that she wasn't welcome in our home but that he was welcome to go visit her whenever he wanted. Why would I want someone who hates me in my home?
Our situations are not the same. I know it touched off a nerve for you, but we're not the same. I've gone 7 years doing nice things for them, catering to them, only to continue to be hated. So yes, I'm done.
I hear where you're coming
I hear where you're coming from stepaside, but we had talked to all the kids to see if they were good with going this route. Four out of the five kids (including my daughter) are pinching for money. I suggested it because we also are pinching it. I understanding your stepmom and Dad say they are struggling (but you say they really aren't), but we truly are. I am currently not working and we are trying to pay the bills for our business. We are also giving money to SD24 to help with her wedding, and so we are stretched thin. So at the time we asked everyone, no names had been picked or assigned. At that time, SS23 and his wife baulked at going this route. My thinking -- and also husband's -- is that this way everyone just has to buy one gift and they each will get a nice gift. I don't see anything wrong with that.
If I had not chosen my daughter's, I would not have bought her a gift for Christmas because those were not the "rules." Her birthday is right close and I will be giving her gifts for her birthday.
As far as buying any of his kids gifts, I didn't want to choose them -- because they complain over everything that we have ever bought them. They are never content. It's never good enough. If I handmake something for them, it gets tossed in the garbage. Why WOULD I want to buy them a gift or even make them one?
Everyone else was completely on board with this idea -- if it doesn't work, we won't do it next year. My DH thinks it is unnecessary to buy gifts for adults, because as he says it "Christmas is about the kids." All of our kids are no longer "kids." They are adults.
As far as having my daughter choose my name, not one of those kids would have wanted to get me a gift -- one kid shops at the dollar store (when he has plenty of money to buy everyone else nice gifts) for me. It was insulting to me. It was like he was saying "you're not worth it." That was part of the reason why we didn't want gifts anymore either. This same kid bought my DH a puzzle (a kid's puzzle nonetheless) from the dollar store. What adult wants a kid's puzzle from the dollar store? Seriously?
I realize that people are going to think that maybe I'm being petty -- I don't care. If this kid can afford to get other people something decent from some place other than the dollar store, but gets us something from the dollar store -- I think that says a lot. We always have bought them nice gifts -- or I should say "I" have always bought them nice gifts -- unappreciated.
So if I'm a little sensitive in responding to your post this is why. You know how your steps treat you stepaside, but you're putting yourself into the shoes of the step kid here rather than step mom. Do YOU want to buy your steps (who are mean to you) gifts? Or make them something nice that you have put yourself into?
My plan has been to bake a bunch of cookies, some banana bread, and also some shea butter lotion (for the girls) and give that to the skids -- as well as us making them a nice dinner. Anyways.
...I have been a step mom for
...I have been a step mom for over 20 years now, and can relate to the "I don't matter" until it comes to bdays and christmas presents. So, last year I trie to give "experience gifts" FOR THE GRANDCHILDREN you know build a bear, chuckie cheese, craigs cruisers, along with an invitation to enjoy the experience with their father and myself...BIG MISTAKE...although at the time they received them...they all proclaimed what a great idea...the parents totally took over the build a bear experience while I stood there and took pictures...not exactly what I had in mind...then when it came to the chuckie cheese experience the parents (skids) decided they were going to use them for her birthday instead...This year we are not speaking (what a surprise) so I am not doing anything for Christmas...I have decided to disengage after my SD (who is 40) and the other two are close to that age insists on trying to come in between my husband and i STILL...They know they cannot manipulate and cash in on our finances if I am in the picture and insist on seeing her father "Only" without me and they have all refused to accept we are married, and have 7 children in this blended family. They insist they were here "first" and continue to try and create a division in our family based on their pre-exhistence....If I was going to do presents this year...I would have just made out invitations (no gift card acoompanying it,) that way we wouldn't have to dish out any money for Christmas all by the 25th of December. Then, when the time came to go out and have the experience...I would have paid for it then...That way the skids couldn't rob us of the gift we intended for it to be in the first place...and if they didn't allow it to happen...We are not left sitting on the curb feeling "duped" again... I am so done with the whole dishonoring mental and emotional abuse...I have found a new respect for myself and will never climb back into that box again...
Agree with you peacemaker.
Agree with you peacemaker. You can only do it so many times, get duped, and then yet do it again time after time -- until you've had enough. I've just reached my "had enough" earlier than some step moms. I've learned that they will throw away my gifts, not appreciate my gifts (gave one a car and all she did was bitch about it!), or bad mouth them right in front of our face -- have had it from each one of them. Why would they change now?? They won't. They will be nice as it gets closer to Christmas and birthdays because -- well, it's obvious. Trying to manipulate ME -- because DH is not the one who buys the gifts. It's me. And I'm done. For all of the skids b-days this year -- I did absolutely NOTHING. Normally, I go all out and decorate, make them their favorite dinner, bake them their favorite dessert -- not this year. I'm seriously done. Until they can consistently be nice to me when it doesn't benefit them, then this is how it will be.
I
I
If SS23 is so wrapped up in
If SS23 is so wrapped up in the idea that Xmas is about gift giving then he can choose not to take part in the secret santa gift exchange and he can then buy a gift for everyone in the family. This way, the rest of you all can enjoy the gift exchange and he can lavish everyone with his gifts and thoughtfulness since he feels so strongly about gift giving. }:)
^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^ EXACTLY^^^^^^^^^^^!!
So ended up caving a little bit and bought each kid a small something for Christmas, so hopefully they won't be bitches about things. I also baked cookies so that I could send them home with some. I'm also doing all of the dinner with no help from any of them.
Do not sweat the greedy SS
Do not sweat the greedy SS and his bride. Not worth your time to even get aggrivated IMHO.
We have an interesting dynamic with my ILs that is similar to what you are dealing with. The IL clan does a Christmas list and draw a name out of a hat thing. Each adult draws the name of another adult. The kids all get gifts from everyone. We get their lists but our names do not go in the hat either to receive a gift of to select who we will get a gift for. The unstated expectation is that we guy gifts for everyone. My DW and I are the only couple capable for buying gifts for everyone and their kids. My IL clan consists of MIL&FIL, BIL1(33) & his bride(33) and two daughters (10 & 7), BIL2(31) and his GF(28), SIL(27)& her DH (28) and their son
and daughter (2). For the adults the request is usually for money to pay bills and there is always an added element to the copy of the Christmas list they send us. A new car, pay off my house, etc.....
My ILs (MIL & FIL) send us gifts every year but none of my DW's sibs do.
Not a problem for neither my wife nor I, just an interesting thing that makes you go hmmmmmmm.
My wife has given up on finding meaningful gifts for her family. They taught her long ago that they do not appreciate gifts that have a lot of time, effort or meaning in to their creation or selection. They are about gifts that they can convert to cash. My wife will rarely give then anything that that can spend or that they can easily convert to cash. She is sick of their manipulations.
To keep the cost reasonable we set a budget of ~$20 per IL head including the kids.
The dynamic for my family is different. No lists and no drawing names. My family is notably smaller consisting of myself, DW, our son (SS-21), my mom and dad, my bro, his wife and their three kids. My youngest nephew is 12. We get a gift or gifts for everyone and we do not set a budget. We just get everyone what we want them to have. Some years it is an inexpensive gift and other years it is a very nice gift. It is about finding something meaningful for them.
We will likely be far from
We will likely be far from both of our families this holiday season. I won't be able to postpone a holiday visit to my ILs for much longer though. We have not been to their neck of the woods for a holiday in 6 or 7 years. Of course that does not stop the gift grab effort. On line shopping unfortunately took away our ability to keep our heads burried in the sand on that front.