It’s over. She’s leaving
It all came to a head and I can do nothing right. Whatever I say is an attack against her family. I cannot live my life as someone’s disappointment and constantly have everything I do be turned against me. I don’t know this person anymore and she clearly has no feelings for me. She has made her choice and it’s not me that made her choose, that’s on her kids. She can keep telling herself that I am all the things she hears from her kids because that makes it easier than admitting they are being rude, selfish, and spoiled little brats. It’s finally over and I know there will be a sense of relief as I pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move on. Alone. Guess we fell into the 72% of second marriages that fail. I tried, but it really takes two to make any marriage work. When you add in three spoiled kids that want to break it up and a mother that puts her kids above the marriage, it has little chance of ever succeeding. Done.
Time to let go
So like a lot of you I am grieving the loss of my spouse and the marriage that could have been. It all boils down to her kids playing this guilt trip on her and doing everything to break us up. It’s clear they never accepted me or what was our marriage. I am grieving a true transparent marriage with no secrets. A marriage without having to live seperate lives to appease others. A marriage that‘s NOT controlled and minupulated by others. A marriage that comes first, and having your partners back. That goes both ways.
But this is not all on spoiled children. It’s also about my STBXW and her inability to be honest with herself, with me, and for not putting our marriage as a priority. I have put everything I feel to the side and tried to work on our reconnecting and doing things that come from a place of love and understanding, but even that is not enough.
I am not a bad person and I cannot go on being made to feel that way for the rest of my life. Everyone deserves more than that. I gave it a full year of effort and tried multiple things, including asking her what she wanted me to do or expected from me. Her answer... “I don’t know” It’s time to let go.
Thanks
I know it’s her choice. We all have to account for our own actions. I am letting go knowing I did everything I possibly could, but even she doesn’t know what she wants. By my feelings do not factor into any of her choices. Blood is thicker than anything and she is clearly overcompensating for her dysfunctional children.
I was never trying to “fix” her or her kids. I only sought to be understood and maybe get a little compassion. She is very much a conflict avoidance kind of person when it comes to her kids. With me it was all about conflict. She constantly told me how I made this so difficult for her, but she never said that to any of her kids. I honestly don’t know why she ever agreed to marry me. I wish she had said no, or I knew she was not committed to making our marriage a priority. If that were the case I never would have asked. In fact, I probably would have broken up with her because our views were so radically different.
I’m so sorry. Ending a
I’m so sorry. Ending a relationship is the hardest thing to do. I wished it would have worked out for you. Everything is crystal clear for you now and that is the silver lining. Take care of yourself.
I am sorry to hear that you
I am sorry to hear that you guys weren't able to pull through. Marriage's won't work if you marriage isn't your 1st priority. I hope that you can get through the separation fairly smoothly and leave with all of your assets intact. I also feel that there is someone out there for everyone, this just wasn't your person.
It will be tough
It will be tough financially. I am a bit overextended right now, but I will find a way. The house is mine. She sold hers back in January and the proceeds were never commingled with mine. But then there are all the other things like healthcare (I’m on her policy), cell phones (she’s on my plan), and other crap like thst.
This experience will cull
This experience will cull your wisdom and strength. NEVER settle for second. Trust that nothing is by accident and that your life is headed in a direction that aligns with the true course of your heart. I believe and live by the the credo of "my marriage/partnership is first." This cooperative-supportive stance is vital to raising mentally healthy children. Unfortunately, there are moms out there who fail to see the importance of this. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/feb/07/parents-advised-put...
Sorry to hear this.
"-- but it really takes two to make any marriage work." That's it in a nutshell. You did everything in your power to save the marraige - much more than some of us would have. Your exW did nothing. When you asked her what you could do to save the marriage, the answer was "I don't know" - it was probably the truth. Did she ever ask you what SHE could do to save the marriage? One-sided relationships don't work.
This was another lesson in a life filled with lessons. Going forward, knowing you did your best. Give yourself a 'cooling off' period. Then take on something new - something you can be passionate about - something where you meet new people - something that makes you feel good.
One thing I learned recently is that I was attracted to and was attracting people who exhibited 'familiar' behaviors rather than healthy ones. Now I am going to allow a considerable amount of time before committing to any relationship.
Try to see a therapist and work on you before allowing anyone into your heart for a while. That way you will allow someone in who deserves you. (((HUGS)))
Thank you all
I try to never let bad times pass without learning something from the experience. I try to use crisis as a tool to fuel my own growth. Someone said in one of my posts (can’t recall exactly who) that I was being too needy. That is so very true. I started working from home just about the time my DW and I met and started dating. The working from home, while convienet was also isolating me to the point that I looked to my DW to fulfill all my needs. That’s not fair and contributed to things getting worse. So I already have something to work on. My therapist, who hates to put labels on anything, noted some traits consistent with borderline personality disorder. I am going to explore more about that too. In the meantime I am working on letting the sadness move through me without letting it drag me into depression (been there, done that).
I have my own fixing to work on, and that’s all I can do. I cannot “fix” anyone else’s issues. I also have feelings and they cannot be controlled, that’s what makes me who I am. But I can control my actions and reactions, but I need to work on that everyday.
You know I read a lot more
You know I read a lot more "happily ever after" stories here from stepparents who left/were left by their SO. The usually update talking of their travels, new found peace and freedom. I love those updates. You will be one of those, just give it time.
Something else to think about....Blood is thicker than water.
Sorry that you are going thru this.
You mentioned above, about the old saying "Blood is thicker than water".
Remember a person can choke in their "own blood".
Have you ever observed persons who are clearly (to the outside viewers) deeply involved in unhealthy relationships. Who band together chanting,,, Blood is thicker than water as if it's a badge of honor. Heck they have a habit of useing it as their sheild...too.
The problem is when digging deeper into that dynamic you may find that they are in the vortex of unhealthy behavior AND subsequently their relationships are too. Generations or two possibly more. Engulfed in it.
I knew of a few myself. Awww "FAMILY FIRST..WE ARE FAMILY song played over and over..no joke. Shoving their wonderful, loving family crap down anyone's throats who walk past them. Truth is, WHAT A complete mess they were and still are. Oldest living 70year old adults nearly broke because THEY decided to mortgage off their house a few times to make bail for their messed UP adult kids. THOSE Adult kids had their own kids (now the Grand kids) they are bailing out of jail for the same things. Great Aunts, Great Uncles, cousins doing the same for their kids and it goes on and on.
All because blood is thicker than water bull shit. It's laughable actually.
Count your blessings....move past this, do not look back and live your life as abundantly as you want too. YOU have dodged the bullet fellow step talker. YOU dodged the bullet.
GoodLuck
JMO of course based on my own life experienes and observations
I read your bio
Add : Your wife tells you that SHE is caught in the middle
That is because she puts herself there.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Good riddance to bad rubbish. Better luck next time.
Very sorry to hear things
Very sorry to hear things didn't work out; but all things happen for a reason. At least you'll know you did everything you could.
you are so much better off without someone who can be so easily swayed by their hateful adult children. Don't ever blame yourself for any of this. I have witnessed and experienced first hand what nasty adult skids can do to a relationship.
Think of all this as a new adventure without all the stress of dealing with them anymore.
best of luck to you in the future.
Sorry that you're going through this
But I think that you're doing the right thing. The blood is thicker than water thing. Such nonsense. I've moved out and I'm sleeping a lot better. I had a hard time leaving him but I knew it was the right decision and that I would lose self respect if I stayed.
When I have moments of sadness, I remind myself that he chose them and that he wants to stay stuck in a toxic quagmire. I don't need that. What rational person would choose that? would you start dating or get serious with someone who offered up that kind of life?
Choose you and your happiness. Let your ex realize later that taking you for granted might have been a poor decision. Or if she isn't a quick learner, after the next one leaves her for the same reason.