To Marry or Not to Marry....that is my question

Forums:

I am about to marry a widower who was married to his deceased wife for 35 years. He has 2 grown children, ages 32 and 24. I have 2 grown children, ages 32 and 30. His kids don't like me in spite of my efforts to get to know them. They do not seem to be concerned about their father's happiness--only how the inheritance will be divided since I am now in the picture. We have told all the "kids" that they will be provided for and even gone so far as to make sure they know that CDs, etc. are their names to assure that all children will get their share of money. The problem is that they assume the very worst of me...have called me all kinds of inappropriate and vulgar names... with not one single fact to base their decisions on. When asked why they don't like me, they don't have an answer.

I am having second thoughts about marrying this man due to his children's behavior and wonder what I am getting into now that I have learned they feel this way about me. I am 56 years old and really just want a quiet life. My children (I have been divorced from their father for 30 years) seem to like him and do not view him as any kind of "threat" to their relationship with me. I would like to nip this in the bud now before it gets any worse, but my future husband (their father) is very passive about the whole situation, saying that things will just get better over time. He does not seem to want to tell them their behavior is unacceptable. I wonder if the problem is with him and his parenting style since he doesn't ever seem to give them any discipline. I believe it was his deceased wife who had that duty during their marriage. He and I have dated for 1-1/2 years so it's not like I was around when their mother was alive. She died almost 6 years ago. I don't want to let the man go that I love, but I also don't want the rest of my life to be miserable because of his kids! Advice please.

Wow....thank you everyone for

Wow....thank you everyone for your comments. I truly believe that you have hit the nail on the head. It's hard to let go, but it may be worse down the road. Funny thing is that when I was 17 I lost my Mom and my Dad remarried 4 months later to a woman I introduced him to. She was a lovely woman and I treated her with respect and kindness. Unfortunately, when my Dad died he did not have a Will and she ended up taking everything from my sister and me! It was hard to accept because I never thought she would be the kind of person to do that. So, in a way, I can see the kids' point of view but what truly bothers me is that they don't even know me as a person since they won't even sit down and discuss this with me. We have shown all of the children what we have and what they will have after we are gone. We believe we have divided everything fairly. After all--it's our money--right!?? Thank you for your responses.

You need to have a heart to

You need to have a heart to heart with your BF. Tell him point blank that you cannot and will not consider marriage UNTIL and UNLESS he has a serious talk with his children about how things are going to go and how they are going to be moving forward. They are grown and have lives of their own. You and your BF are done raising children and you both deserve to enjoy your lives and have a happy, healthy relationship together...drama & bullshit free!!!

If your boyfriend is not willing to set his kids straight and tell them that they need to either show you some respect or move the fuck on with their lives and dont come around until they can have respect for you then do not marry this man. If he cant stand up to his GROWN children and put you and your feelings first then he is not worthy of being your husband...period!!!

I agree 100%..

Your fiancee is not going to

Your fiancee is not going to change he's made that clear. He 'hopes' things will get better and hope will spring eternal in his breast despite the obvious.

His kids see their inheritance going down the drain if you remain - no amount of assurances will help because Dad can always change the CD's and or you can spend the money until he's broke.

So you either live with the kids or you move on. I know you hate to have wasted a year and a half and to see your dreams go down the drain but don't waste even more time only to end up divorcing yet again.

The only other possibility I see is if you can live a life devoid of contact with them. This means you'll never be included in any of his family events which include his kids - birthday dinners, grandchildren visits etc. You would have to absent yourself from the home perhaps. It's probably not feasible but I throw it out for what its worth.

^^Well stated. Being the

^^Well stated. Being the invisible woman works for me. I can disappear and reappear, in the life of SO at will. I do this to preserve my sanity from crazy, lying, stealing, manipulating 32 yo daughter of SO. Fortunately I am not married to the man. At one time a long time ago we discussed marriage. However his 25 yo daughter at the time stole my clothes 2X and lied about it (Of couse her daddy proved he has no backbone; At the time he told me, his daughter stealing my clothes was my problem not his problem because she did not steal his clothes). At the time I decided the two big babies needed more time to grow up together and broke up with her daddy. Her daddy is not getting any younger and his daughter does not have any plans to hang out with him (except the general monopolize his time on holidays). However that is okay with me as I have a full life including family and friends which do not include him. Doubt I could ever marry him, because I know a big part of his daughter resentment towards me is she is afraid her daddy is spending money on me. Well her daddy can squander all of his money on his stupid investments at which he always seem to lose money, so I doubt he will have any money when he dies. However i am sure he will be unmarried, which has been proven to shorten the life expectancy of a man. However I will not be married to him. I will always have my own place to return home to for tranquility and peace of mind.

If his kids act like this as

If his kids act like this as grown adults, things will most likely not get better.

If their father lets them get away with this behavior, things will most likely not get better.

Probably not what you wanted to hear. They sound like horrible, selfish people and again, that is not likely to change. Your future husband needs to let them know what is what and put them in their places. Frankly, if I was their parent, I would let them know they are not getting a damn thing because they are horrible, selfish people!

As step-parents, their are certain things we are willing to put up with when the children are young. When they are adults and should be living their own lives and are still making us miserable, that is too much.

Yes the sick to the bottom of

Yes the sick to the bottom of my stomach happens when his daughter does a drop in or pop in (one drop in unannounced, and two pop in with ten minutes prior notice). Neither time allowed me time to escape. Of course both times daughter of SO gave me creepy eyeball which involves looking into my eyes as if she can sear my brain. Of course I know her looks just make a point she has the power. She is also a very contrived daughter. During the pop in her daddy went to get some toys for the baby; immediately she starts questioning me about my job. Another friend ssaid, she was psychologically beating me up, because ironically at the time I was laid off from my job. I don't know for sure, but i am almost positive SO told her I was laid off, even though I explicitely asked him not to. After four months lay off I have since gotten my job back. Of course I recevie no financial help from SO. We just hang out together, which is the reason I do not fee compelled to be his daughters friend too. His daughter hates me, yet she and her father were both trying to get me to babysit her baby. Why? Of course I said NO. End of discussion. I only babysit for children, when I have some trust for the intentions of the babies parents.

So sorry you are faced with

So sorry you are faced with this. If your kids are like mine they will treat your FH with respect and wont cause you any heartache.His kids a different story. They are grown and if they are treating you this way already that is a BIG RED FLAG.My SK have always been mean selfish namecallers . They are greedy and they dont care to hurt me to get what they want.Chances are your FH is use to them running his life and will not say a thing to them when they mistreat you or your kids.Dont let them do this to you .Stand your ground right now and set your boundaries and when you do this you will see how his kids will respond to you.If they are mean about it I would never get married.I can say from experience being called names and told your not welcome in our family and your not welcome in our house only dad is welcome will make you a bitter person if you let it.It sure did me. Dont set yourself for a lot of hurt. His kids probally always had their way when they were kids and they had everything handed to them with no displine at all..You and your kids will be the target and I would not let his sorry kids mistreat you or your kids.Im sorry I dont have anything good to say to you about your situation. You call the shots and defend yourself when you are already having problems with his family. God Bless You.

I need to say this to. It

I need to say this to. It wont get any better in time . I can guarantee you that. When they make your FH choose (and they will) between them or you dont be shocked who he chooses. It hurts when you are tossed back in the corner and just have to deal with it. If your FH wont stand up to them now it wont happen when you marry him.See how your kids treat your FH now. It is good . See how your FH kids treat you now. This is how it will be. I wish you the best.

You tell BF it doesn't get

You tell BF it doesn't get better and to hop on here and read! I told my DH for years that if my children ever did ONE of the many disrespectful things his adult children did to me, they would have their asses kicked up between their ears. He was passive and patient and kind . It only got worse. We have both disengaged now but it took years of hell before he realized just how bad it had gotten out of hand. Good luck!

At this stage of the game he

At this stage of the game he shouldn't need to discipline. They are grown adults-or rather brats trapped in adult bodies.

A former friend of mine- lets's call her Jane, was an SD in a situation like yours.

Jane's mom died tragically and suddenly and we were all blown away. Jane's dad remarried 18 months later to a widow who was a friend of the family. Jane used to think this woman was ok, not exceptionally kind or nice, but ok. Once they married?? She became the devil incarnate and could do nothing right by Jane(38)or her two brothers, 41 and 43. It was brutal for about 2yrs, then Jane's dad disengaged from his own children.

He is 70 yrs old and happy with a woman to spend his retirement with. They travel, dine out, spend time with friends- the exact retirement I want for my parents and for myself. All Jane could do is moan about it. She couldn't see past her own grief to see her dad happy, but he had the balls to finally stand up to her. It took time but he did it.

She did nasty things like withhold the grand kids at Christmas and b days and wouldn't invite the SM to events. In the beginning, SM stayed away. Then I think she got a backbone and encouraged her husband too as well. These are NOT CHILDREN.

Jane now never sees her father because of her own selfish behaviour and he has said so. I say Bravo to him. Would your fDH do the same?

My advice is against marriage

My advice is against marriage or as someone suggested, try living together instead of marriage. I lost my husband nearly 2 years ago now. I did everything I was "supposed" to do: entertained, bought gifts, loved my grandchildren. My husband had no boundaries, was too kind and generous and his kids walked all over him. They asked about the terms of the trust constantly. After nearly 20 years of marriage, they believed that I should get nothing. Things went to hell pretty quickly after he died. All they care about is the money and property and they believe they deserve all of it and I have no doubt the would put me out on the street if they could. We were together 20 years, and I loved their dad so much. We were very happy together, and I believe they knew that but have chosen to forget it now. I never believed that it could get this ugly. They have poisoned my grand-children's minds against me. Be very careful. It won't get better. Please look out for yourself

"You can say, "I'd LOVE to

"You can say, "I'd LOVE to marry you, but only if we agree in writing that your kids will 1. never live with us; 2. never come on vacation with us; 3. not be given precedence over my time with you"

LOL....I have already had THAT talk with my BF because he knows I cant stand his kid and I dont want anything to do with him or raising him etc. SOOOO....he told me that he would do ANYTHING to be with me for life...and that I am #1 in his life even above his kids!!! Of course I freaking love that.....

He even said that he WOULD get it in writing if that was what it would take to be with me and marry me someday .....muahahahaha!!!! Damn right!!! He knows that he has it DAMN GOOD with me and he knows losing me would be thee biggest and greatest mistake of his life......

Just going to say... IMO the

Just going to say... IMO the only thing you can really hope to gain from making him put this down in writing is to get him to address issues with you and not ignore any issues. When contemplating marriage, of course it is very wise to identify problem areas and issues, and reading over this board is a wealth of experience and knowledge and advice as to how those issues might present themselves in ways that you "could not have known when you married a man with kids."

He, or you, can write down anything, sign it, prick your finger and put a blood mark on it but when his daughter is blowing up his phone on your honeymoon or six months down the road his son comes crawling and pleading for a place to stay, your signed piece of paper won't mean jack squat.

And how do you plan to enforce it? The only thing you have to enforce it is the same thing you have without the piece of paper - the threat of leaving and ending the relationship. You can't make a binding contract that says, for instance, our adult children will never live in our home or violation will be at the cost of $100/day. Then his kid is displaced by a flood and you come home one day to find salvage items stuffed in the garage and adult kid plus adult kid's family strewn through your home. Your husband faces the fury in your eyes with a sheepish, apologetic look and whispers promises that they will be out as soon as they can get on their feet, hopefully not more than a month. Well maybe two. Well it might be three if FEMA is involved.

What will your signed paper do then? DH will laugh off any attempt on your part to collect $100/day. And no payout is going to replace having these people up in your space. And it won't be enforceable in any court of law, just in the court of get them out by Friday or I will leave Saturday morning.

Use a written agreement prior to marriage for what it is - the two of you looking at potential problems but keep in mind, that for both of you, if something arises with your child, your momma/daddy heart is going to forget that signed document in a heartbeat.

As for proudly forcing a parent to forsake their own child and substitute yours, here's hoping the karma bus slaps you hard, repeatedly.

^^^Well said Hypovic....I

^^^Well said Hypovic....I think the "karma Bus" just might pass me and move on to her for that one....just saying

And p.s. I am not and would not FORCE any man to forsake their child...if he did it would be HIS CHOICE.......

Honestly,i would pass on the

Honestly,i would pass on the marriage...too much greed and drama with future Stepkids down the road.Good luck to you.

Keep your life quiet, as that

Keep your life quiet, as that is your stated goal. Don't marry him. Date him. Have him overnight a few times a week. Go on trips with him.

Keep your own place and let him live the part of his life with his children away from you.

If you've been divorced 30 years and just now getting into another relationship, view it as a companionship relationship of equals, retain your own interests and activities, travel with your children and friends as you've presumably been doing.

Fit him into the parts of your life where he can go, don't make him your whole life because he is not going to make you his whole life. That your children react differently than his matters not. Don't waste any more time comparing. His kids are what and how they are, they are adults, they will not change. You might be very unpleasantly surprised to learn that his true, secret feelings about your children do not match what you believe them to be. Just read on this board and realize, many wives and girlfriends are here, sharing their terrible secret that they cannot stand the stepchild - and the father has no idea she truly feels that way.

If you keep your own place, have little or no contact with his children, and maintain a fun and loving relationship with him, you can have so much more control, in fact probably all control, of how quiet and peaceful and happy your life is.

I have tried to talk with DH

I have tried to talk with DH about IF there is any $ left (or a life insurance policy) and he goes first that my life will be less complicated if he puts things in writing NOW and discusses the policies NOW. He's not worried because he'll be dead. I point blank asked him if he doesn't care at all that all hell will break loose with SD fighting over the nickel that will be left after I pay all his bills with his "estate", that I won't have enough to stay in the house, etc, etc... I gave up a LOT for this relationship and this "family". This may sound cold but I wish I had learned at a young age to safeguard my financial health and to refuse making emotional decisions that put me at risk. I've learned my lesson but it may be too late to make a difference.

If you marry him, do so being 100+% certain that he will not set boundaries and expectations with his kids that will respect or protect you. He will hide and say he "doesn't want to get in the middle of it". If you can stomach that, then go for it.

He says give it time things

He says give it time things will get better. He's 200% right things in time will get better. The abuse from these kids will get better, the indifference your fdh shows towards it will get better the distance between you and fdh will widen, the pain in your heart will get stronger your anxiety levels will go through the roof your health will suffer and that is better for sk they will take great pleasure in that so yeah things will get better all right. Your fdh is Allowing this now and has made it perfectly clear he is not going to do anything about it. So they will see his indifference and silence as acceptance of their behavior. Dad says nothin so he must think we're right. Do not marry him until he stands up for and supports you. Please hold off on the marriage. But then again your gut is telling you that that's why your here you know you should not be marrying him.

He says give it time things

EBU says DH is allowing this

EBU says DH is allowing this and that Skids see his indifference and silence as acceptance of their behavior. SO TRUE! And most DHs in this situation see themselves as being pulled, in between. It might even be flattering to them. They never seem to see their lack of action as the actual CAUSE if the problem. I found though, that I was part of the problem also for allowing it. EBU is right - your gut feeling is telling you why you should not marry him or you would not be here.

I was you four years ago.

I was you four years ago. Except I didn't listen to my gut feeling!!! My DH said just "give it time, things will all work out". They where threaten from the engagement on due to the financial aspect of how it would affect their lives. I have 3 Adult SS and their wife's that I have now disengage from. The Daughters-in-law both know what is happening is wrong, but they coward to their husbands. I've been told by one of my SS that I need to apologize to him because I finally had had enough and stood up for myself because DH wouldn't. And because DH will not stand up for me I will!! The games these kids played to hurt me, all because they knew DH wouldn't stand up to them. All I did was fall in love with with their father. I wanted them to be part of my family. Like you I have 2 Adult Children and they both love and respect my husband. They were both very happy that I found someone who made me happy. They were both willing to open their lives and except DH and his family into ours. But that is the way I raised them. That is the way my parents raised me! My 3 SS where raised differently and where allowed to got away with things I would never let my kids get away with. Our kids are the product of how we as parents raise them and hold them accountable for their actions. Things will get worse and then you will start to become very hurt and bitter by their actions that they are allowed to get away with with their father. If their are problems now with his kids, please don't get married. Really, really think about the situation you are getting yourself into. And, I'm just going to say this, your Adult kids are also involved. They're going to want to see their mom happy. Not caught up in all the drama that your future SK's will bring into your family. My husband travels to see his kids & grandchildren without me now for holidays. It so, did not need to be this way, but this is how it turns out. I know from this website that I'm not alone on this subject.

MELA 113, JUSTNOTHAPPY has

MELA 113, JUSTNOTHAPPY has just given you a snapshot of your future. She is not exagerating, this is not just her experience, this is pretty much how it is when you marry into a family were the adult stepkids do not want you.

When these people have the attitude they have, they will not settle down in time, they will not think of their dad's happiness, they don't care about anything except themselves. They will change over time of course, I can guarantee the longer you are with their dad and his wallet, they will absolutely change, the hatred they feel now, will get worse.

My DH used the infamous 'give them time' line. I think there must be a book out there for men who are afraid of their adult kids yet want the comfort of a woman in their lives, and this book advices them all to tell us "give them time" because we as nurturing women will swallow it, and we do.

I gave my husband's adult children 8 years. Every visit over that 8 years was worse than the one before. I was told to give them time, then they are just mad because I left their mum, they will settle down, then it al changed to YOU, YOU need to be the adult here, YOU don't like them, YOU take everything they say the wrong way, YOU are just looking for trouble, why can't YOU just put up with it and say nothing, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU......everything became my fault.

My husband could see no wrong in his daughter, even when she said if he wanted to see his newborn grandaughter then he would have to leave me, my husband RELUCTANTLY said he wouldn't, but did he hold a grudge against his daughter, NO he tried to hold one against me though. Then when she had the gall to show up, I told her no more, she was never to come to my home ever again, and I told my DH to go with her. That is how far this "give them time" thing went.

The way they start is the way they intend to go on, they just get better and better at it and your fiance will never do anything about it. Worse still, if you do anything about it, he will not be annoyed by what his kids said or did to you to provoke you, he will be annoyed with YOU for upsetting his kids.

AS justnothappy said your adult kids will also be involved in this, mine are. They used to love and respect my husband so much, now they shut their mouths, and they are still polite and respectful to him, but I can assure you, the love the felt towards him is no longer there. They respect him because he is my husband, but they would not give him the time of day otherwise. They were caught up in this too, they tried so hard to be friends with his children, and his children treated them like dirt, my dh did nothing about that either.

Ultimately the biggest loser in all of this is my husband, which I suppose is only fair, he caused it all, but all of us have lost in some way, my 3 children, myself, his 3 children, his father, his sisters, and my husband himself. He buried his head in the sand, he pretended not to notice, he hoped it would all go away, and that is what they mean by give them time, they hope that in time it will all just go away without them doing anything and looking like the bad guy. Unfortunately when they take this approach it never goes away, it just gets worse and worse and worse.

I believe you know in your heart of hearts, in your gut, this is not going to work, but if you need any more convincing ask yourself this, how many brides to be are on steptalk wondering if they should marry or not.......certainly none that are happy.

I am sorry if this sounds heartless and cruel, it is not meant to be. My post to you is coming from fear, fear that you are about to marry into my life. I don't want you to do it. I want you to fix this BEFORE you marry, I want you, your kids, him and his kids, all playing happy families around the dinner table BEFORE you marry, because if you can't have that before you marry, you will never have it after.

To marry or not...In this

To marry or not...In this case NO WAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no way in hell should you

no way in hell should you marry him. life will be miserable and far from quiet and peaceful. If i had come across this site years ago i wouldn't be in the mess i am in with SD and DH having a twisted relationship against me. SD has brain washed DH about me now and although he is trying to back out of it - he still doesn't admit she was wrong. i hate my life now and wish i never married DH.

You are here

To Marry or Not to Marry....that is my question