I was reluctant to post in this forum because the behavior I want to describe is not very adult-like. This concerns my SD19. SD is in college, or was, and we helped her with everything we could including car, insurance, clothes, toiletries, dorm supplies, school supplies, cell phone, and student loans because she procrastinated applying for scholarships. The student loans were supposed to be the first semester only and she was going to apply for scholarships for the remaining time. She has the grades and extra curriculars to get a free ride to college. She has been in school for three semesters and has not applied for a single scholarship but has renewed the student loan every time (found out this week). She is not eligible for grants because of our income. She was awarded one scholarship that she did not have to apply for but was offered through professor recommendation. We made her get a job in the summer because she was staying up til 6 am on her XBOX, she was waking people up in the middle of the night, and not doing a thing. We took her car away from her for a while because we learned from BD that she was smoking pot in it. When she came home for summer break, she knew she was in the hole financially with tuition and did not tell us (found out this week). Fall semester, she quit the job almost immediately, and very soon after totaled the car. She came home for XMAS break and told us she was stressed out and overwhelmed and needed to take a break from school, then she said she "needed to find happiness and independence", she "needed to live in the now". We told her that was okay, happens to everyone, but you have to get a job. We were angry, thought she was being ridiculous and a little put out that this did not come out until the night before she was supposed to go back, but we supported her decision. Husband convinced her to take at least 2 classes and live at home so she wouldn't have such a hard time getting back in when she was ready. Next day she went to get her stuff and change her classes. She was gone for five hours, said she was talking with her friends. When she came back, she had no stuff and told us that she was on financial hold because she owed money. First she said it was the school's error, then it was a FAFSA error. Through investigation and digging the truth out of her over two days, we found out that she has known there was a problem since May and knew she was not going to be able to enroll for Spring. She told Husband she took care of it and is just waiting to hear about it, that she made payment arrangements (without a job). School told me on the phone they don't do payment plans. ?? More lies?? To pay this debt would be no big deal for us, and we could have taken care of it in one day. A professor reached out to her before summer asking her if she needed help because she had the same problem semester before. SD's response to the professor was "it isn't easy finding money just lying around" and she indicated at about the same time to BD that she felt like she didn't have a dad either (BD's Bio dad is out of the picture). The professor recommended her for a scholarship which took care of the shortage that semester.

Husband is beyond angry at her for lying and manipulating, but is still willing to let her live here. Since she has been at school, she has become hateful, rude, self-centered, disrespectful, she doesn't bathe regularly, she doesn't want to do anything but watch Chiller and play XBOX. He told her she had to have a job, so now she is going to stay with her mother for a few days but come back here (when husband is not still so angry with her). I think she should be free to go find her happiness and independence on her own. I think if she is going to lie, manipulate, be disrespectful, she can go do that somewhere else. His parents and mine both put us out when we were that age and made these kinds of choices. I don't want her here, frankly. I don't feel like I can tell Husband this. He feels lots of guilt about leaving them with their mom because she is kind of a wild animal. He feels he has created this problem with SD by leaving. We have been married for 15 years. She lived with us for 5. So, I'm pretty sure it is not his fault. He looks and sees a damaged kid with no skills. I look and see a selfish, spoiled manipulative kid with tons of very usable skills. Mom will not make her get a job, will not make her pay her debt (with our name attached to it) and will not help her get back in school. Mom believes we "stole" the child from her, and will use this as an opportunity to dole out revenge, not caring for the consequences to her child's future. TBH, I want to strangle SD just for letting people think she didn't have parents who were willing to help her if we knew she needed it. For her to play the "my dad left me" card at this stage is reprehensible to me. Her dad left her mom, not her, sixteen years ago. My husband works a horrible production job with swing shifts to be able to support two families, and he has never denied them a thing. He has worked overtime to pay for things like cars and college text books (mom helped with nothing, not a thing, nada). I hate seeing him sign up all the time for the abuse SD is dishing out. This SD has been a source of some woe for me throughout my marriage because she has been a bully to my daughter and to me. She is inconsiderate, uncooperative, and at times has been downright mean to us. There are times when I wonder if she is not a sociopath because she seems to feel absolutely no emotion when you tell her something she has done has hurt you. She says she is sorry and immediately wants to know what you want from her to make it right, but she does it with shark eyes, there's nothing there. The mom has been a relentless source of misery for fifteen years and done things like stolen my debit card information, told the whole PTA that my husband left her because we were having an affair, sent the children without appropriate clothing for the season, let them stay up all night, let them get emergency room trip sunburned several times (we had to take them to the ER because she brought them over crispy critters), not taken care of their basic needs properly, and stolen the allowance husband gave them on top of the child support he was paying. My husband has not pushed her because she has no qualms at all about taking it out on the children. I'm sorry this is so long. I feel helpless, and I feel cruel. I feel selfish. I feel if I say any of this to him, I am alienating my husband from his child. I feel like a terrible person for not wanting her here. But the fact is that I don't even want to look at her right now let alone house her, clothe her and feed her. Is she damaged and I'm just being terrible? Or am I just as big a sucker as he is where she is concerned? If she is damaged, then how much does that absolve her of what she has done?