Long time reader, first time caller
I'm in a bit of a moody situation and could use some advice.
Background: My SO and I have been together for seven years, living together/married for five. When we did, his daughter was ~15 and my son was ~13. His daughter was an insufferable, entitled, and selfish mini-wife and when COVID lockdown hit, it got worse and worse. I could go on and on about the years of verble abuse, gaslighting, lies, and loneliness I went through. We ended up not getting married after our wedding got cancelled due to COVID, because of all of the striff she caused, he's been bringing it up again lately, and we're considering it. AI'm in a bit of a tough situation and could use some advice. I've recently had surgery and am currently in the recovery phase. This is a challenging time as it is, but it's been made even more difficult by the fact that my adult stepdaughter has asked to come to visit to 'have a movie night with dad' .fter her 18th birthday, she decided to live with her mother because our house had too many rules for her liking. It was the only thing that kept our marriage together because things immediately got better. She decided not to go to college, but took a year off to travel (on her dad's credit card mind you). When she got back, she decided she no longer wanted to live with her mother, and move in with a roommate (and dad pays for housing (rent+utilities), phone, car, insurance) and he finally told her she needed to try to take some classes at a community college (which he also pays for). She continues to manipulate him into paying for trips, concerts, and pretty much anything she wants. He is an incredibly giving, empathetic, and, sentimental. She knows this... and uses it against him to get him to do things for her, get free things, and get her way and attention. I had to make the decision to disengage except when absolutely neccessary and set firm boundaries on what I was able to handle when it came to time with her.
I've recently had surgery and am currently in the early recovery phase. This is a challenging time, as I can't eat normal food for a few weeks, am in pain, and feel quite... needy myself if I'm being honest. My now 20 year old adult stepdaughter has asked to come to visit to 'have a movie night with dad' while I'm recovering. When SO pushed back at first, she then pulled that she is 'struggling' and she 'misses when they lived together when she was 8 after her parents divorce and suggested that they watch a movie that he talks fondly about but I've heard her say on multiple occassions that she hates that movie. So of course, he told her she could come over. I asked him what the expectation was, and he said he was ordering them dinner and they'd go downstairs to watch a movie. We have a narrow three story house, so this affectively means to basically stay on the top floor (where our bedroom is) in order to maintain my boundaries (and sound travels far and she is NOT a quiet person). While it's not the end of the world by any means... but it is bringing back a lot of the feelings of being lonely and neglected when she lived with us. When I need him and need help, he's choosing her.
As the day has progressed, I've developed a fever and now she's just got here and keeps coughing and sneezing. Which means we're likely to get sick, which is quite bad whilst I am recovering. So here I am, going to be ignored the rest of the night to make my own dinner and make myself feel better. It feels like I'm having a trauma reaction when she comes around.
I guess what really ends up being how I feel at this point is... why do we live together (and why would I ever agree to actual marriage if this is what I'm getting)? If I am not the prioirty when I need extra support, and I am not the one he wants to spend special days with, and even though she no longer lives with us, I still get displaced within my own home because of her, why wouldn't we just live separately. I often remember how happy I was living alone (and meeting him was great and our relationship was grand when we lived separately). And it's grand... except when she comes up.
Am I being dramatic?
Oye-- that's how undone I am
Oye-- that's how undone I am right now. I have posted before years back when it was bad with her. Ignore my first line.
No, not dramatic at all. I am sorry our SO is failing you.
He is an incredibly giving, empathetic, and, sentimental.
More like weak, spinless, and without testicular fortitude.
I get why you are hesitant to get papers with this failed man, failed father, and failed partner.
I hope that you feel better soon and thair recovery goes well. As for dinner, order a gourmet delivery for only you. Since SO is playing order food and cater to this failed family spawn while dedicating his night to sniffing her butt, enjoy something really nice for yourself.
Take care of you.
He actually ordered from a
He actually ordered from a soup place so he ordered me some and I had it with a bath (that he nicely laid out for me), and chilled... but still...
He is those good things things, but with her, he is weak, spineless, and without testicular fortitude... because she manipulates him. She basically told him she was suicidal and that's why she wanted to come over. Yet she was giggling and laughing and ended the night by asking him to pay for her to live by herself in a nicer apartment... which was the ACTUAL reason she wanted time with him. FFS... I just don't see how he can let her jerk him around by telling him she's 'struggling' when it really means she wants an apartment with a dishwasher and no roomates.
We are definitely in for a very uncomfortable conversation if he brings up marriage...
SO could have delayed "movie night" until you were feeling bette
SO could have delayed "movie night" until you were feeling better. Insist that he use disinfectant wipes on everything she could have touched. I don't see him be giving, empathetic or sentimental in this situation. Is he ever that way with you? or only with her? If he wants to see her again, they can do so out of the house as it causes you too much stress.
And that's what bums me out
And that's what bums me out so much. He SHOULD have moved it based on my situation, not just done some things to make up for the fact that he let her manipulate him.
He is those things with me, and often since she moved out. But if she 'needs' him, I would have to be actively dying to supercede her 'need'.
You and I are alike. I texted him and told him I heard her cold and that she wasn't aloud to touch anything outside of the TV room and it needed to be fully disifencted after she left. He did without protest thankfully because he didn't want to get sick either.
When someone shows you who
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Illness, surgery, etc. are great indicators of where we stand with others. She should have been asking if you needed anything from her rather than "needing" a movie night with daddy. That she came over coughing and sneezing while you're recovering from surgery is maddening. That he allowed her to do this is worse. I'm sorry! You are answering your own questions.
Hope you are feeling better very soon.
I have an insufferable mini
I have an insufferable mini-wife myself. Her manipulations are off the charts and she needs attention like she needs air. I know what she's capable of, so I wonder the same things about your SD. I find the timing of her wanting to come over to watch a movie with your SO interesting. I find it very interesting that she pulled this stunt while you're recuperating from surgery. Your SO is a weak man who placed his balls in his DD's purse. He does not have your back as he has proven to SD that she has the power to divert him from everyone and everything, including his recuperating SO.
I agree with Rags that your SO is a weakling rather than sentimental, giving, empathic man. He's a shitty SO to you and isn't all-in with you due to having his head rammed up your SD's ass. He couldn't even be all-in with you while you're recovering from what sounds like major surger if you can't have normal foods for a few weeks. I'm so glad you're questioning things regarding marriage to this piss-poor excuse of an SO. Do not marry him. Mini-wife Syndrome only gets worse. These bitches never grow out of it and their dads won't let them evolve because Mini-Wife Syndrome isn't just an SD issue. The syndrome is there because both parties have major issues, so you have two sick people fanning the flames instead of just one. The prognosis for Mini-Wife Syndrome is extremely slim to none. Ask me how I know.
Oh it was much worse when she
Oh it was much worse when she lived with us, and it got better for a period of time, but now she has a need for attention or money or whatever and has gone back to her mini-wife ways.
Did you divorce your mini-wife's husband or did he change?
Sickness, health, poor and wealth
So, he prioritises time with his daughter instead of your health
She wanted MORE money after he already funded her travels and theres no job and no college that you mentioned, so he must be quite wealthy to fund HER (mini wife) as well as your and his household. I wonder what would happen if daddy could no longer provide that kind of lifestyle? How are your two household finances? Hopefully he is paying his share and contributing to retirement/investment accounts.
Definitely keep finances separate until you decide where you want to go with things.
In talking about marriage, finances must be discussed. She will need to be cut off, to grow as an individual...
The movie night is the tip of the dysfuncitional iceberg. Definitely date until mini-wife and finances are buttoned up..
Yeah, maybe this guy has Elon
Yeah, maybe this guy has Elon Musk money, but most people wouldn't be able to afford to support themselves plus fund that entire lifestyle for an adult child. Something to consider.
Oh our finances are entirely
Oh our finances are entirely and completely separate. We both have good paying jobs, but he's not exactly wealthy and his company took a financial hit and actually lowered his take home pay and now he's panicking about money. But I have made zero movement to help alleviate any of his financial burdens, they are his own of his own making.
She works at a coffeeshop three days a week and takes art classes. She basically wants to be an influencer party girl for a living but can't even make that work. Meanwhile my son is about to make the dean's list in his freshman year of an engineering degree that he's paying 1/3 for (I pay 1/3 and his BF pays 1/3) and he works and hasn't asked me for cash since he was a junior in High School. And I didn't do anything special, except set expectations and didn't baby him.
What's mind numbing to me is that he's just such a wimp about it with her. He will voice frustration and worry about her life and future to me and then not take any action with her because she just makes him feel guilty and he bows to it.
It's making me less and less attracted to him. And more attracted to being single...
Mastering "oh, bummer, wow, uh huh"
When he starts his venting session, aka emotional dumstering of you, use one of these words : "oh, bummer, wow, uh huh" in any combination, and then either walk away, or curtly change the subject.
Examples:
"Princess Poopsie asked for money AGAIN!" - "oh bummer wow."
"PP doesnt seem to have ambition to move forward in her life! Not like your DS!" - "Im thinking roast chicken and mashed potatoes with that special mushroom gravy you like for dinner..."
"we need to talk seriously about PP. Like what am I going to do with her, she doesnt want to work!" - "Well unless you want to fund her lifestyle and go broke and you both live in a tent on the street you might want to discourage that attitude and pull the plug on all your financing...??? And Bummer, uh huh". And there is something intensely interesting on your phone from Mr Ambition DS.
It's like you're in our house
It's like you're in our house. He's actually said "PP doesn't have ambition but we don't have to worry about DS" I just stared at him and said, "Do you wonder why that is?" and he straight up said, "She wants to just go to raves instead of put in work." I just stared blankly at him for a full two minutes. This is the mind boggling part. He knows he needs a plan to cut her off, but he cannot/will not/is terrified of her. And he's got all the excuses in the book. At the end of the day I think he knows he's FUBAR'd our relationship and she'll be his only family without me.
LOL!!!
Yeah, read my blogs at all?
Husband shakes his head at his kids lazyness and lack of ambition. I do the "oh wow, bummer", then change the subject.
If you wanted to divev down into that rabbit hole (ya know just for fun) you could go into therapist mode and state "for her ultimate growth as a contributing member of society, maybe stop funding her? " and THEN change the subject.
Oh that rabbit hole is so
Oh that rabbit hole is so deep and full of monsters. He needs his own therapist, not my job. LOL
Not his therapist, but you
Not his therapist, but you can still bare his idiot ass regarding his funding of his failed family kidult spawn's ongoing failure. Repeatedly.
I would if I were you.
Time for daddy to cut off his
Time for daddy to cut off his leeching kidult spawn. For sure sure he does not reduce his contribution to you partnership income. That is the priority by far over entitled coddled failed kidults.
So far he has never brought
So far he has never brought up putting in less to our co-habitation funds. But that said, we haven't done nearly as many trips and extracurriculars since COVID so it'll be interesting to see if that picks back up or if he doesn't try to because he truly can no longer afford it because of her. He's spending more on her lifestyle now than he was when he was paying child support to her mother.
Starting booking the trips
Starting booking the trips and put it on his debit card getting money off of the table. See how quickly mini-wiife finds herself without her daddy dream list getting fulfilled. If you overdraw HIS accounts. Even better.
No …..is a complete sentence
No movie night until you feel better. You don't need the exter craziness in your home now. DH should see his DD at IHOP.
'You need to have a talk with DH about his retirement planing. How much money he needs in his retirement fund to fund his life style.?? How much he has now, his age, when he plans on to retire? He must put x $ away each month .to reach this goal ..You are not going to support him in retirement, and you are not going to sit home with him because he has no money
It never ends.
My FIL was enmeshed with his daughters. They became skilled manipulators in their teens, sensing their dad was afraid to parent for fear of losing them. He never remarried or dated, thankfully. One daughter settled with a good man, while the other had multiple failed marriages and dirt bag boyfriends. Throughout, the enmeshment continued.
FIL refinanced his mortgage several times over the years, pulling out cash to keep providing for his harem of daughters & granddaughters. And despite having a healthy retirement income, he was flat broke when he passed away.
OP, you need to determine what your limits are and whether or not you can live this way for the rest of your life. It's easy to string ourselves along, hoping things will get better when the skids get older, but the players don't change and things often get worse when grandkids come along.
No person should bankrupt
No person should bankrupt themselves for a shit spawn. Better to let the kidult spawn rot under an overpass than destroy ourselves for them, or their follow on shit spawn (our GKs).
Kidults that would even think of doing this to an increasingly elderly parent should get nada. Not while the parent lives, nor should the parent waste any amount of their estate on those shit spawn and their shit spawn upon the demise of the parent.
People who are toxic to a parent while that parent lives, should not benefit in any way when that parent departs for whatever is next.
IMHO of course.
It’s not going to change
You're going to have to be the proverbial evil stepmother. It's never too late to set boundaries. Start speaking up no matter pissed your inconsiderate SO gets or how offended his brat daughter gets. He's showing you clearly who/what his priorities are. I'm sorry but it's not you. Sounds they BOTH need to grow up.
Dump him
Dump him