Hi Colin,

I am not sure if I have any advice that can help with your DW or SD but I think that it might help if you went to a counselor on your own. It helped me years ago to get a better perspective on a bad situation. It gave me the strength and the clarity to walk away from a relationship in which I was taken for granted and taken advantage of by someone I thought I loved.

I wish you the best of luck.

I would say also take legal advice...

You are definitely not alone here. I came on board here after feeling very desperate and "crazy" from my 5 year relationship and dealing with my ex-boyfriend's daughter. She is 22 also and I have known her since she is sixteen. Funny thing is that she hasn't mature one ounce since that time. In fact I have spent many hours reading posts on this site and it seems that she may be as someone once said here "emotionally stuck" at the age of 16. She is downright disrespectful and rude to my ex-boyfriend. After watching him basically enable her for the last five years I have ended the relationship. Take the advice of Bird. I myself finally started to see a therapist because I felt as if I was "crazy" watching all of their interactions. (You can ready my prior posts.) Between the drinking, her total disrespect I decided to speak to a therapist. After about two months into therapy she basically told me exactly what I have felt for the past two years, that being that he is an enabler (his ex-wife is an alcoholic) and he enables his kids also. My therapist really didn't give me much hope for change since he won't even admit her behavior is a problem or also that he is an enabler. I read a book called "Co-dependent no more" on the advice of my therapist and it helps to explain the behavior of individuals like your wife and my ex. Before you think about leaving, since you obviously have a lot more to deal with since you are married I would try to at least speak with a therapist. Perhaps you wife might change her mind if you start to go and join you . If not at least go for your own sake.

I must say that while I do miss his companionship I really don't miss all the drama that he brought with him into my life. For the first time in months I have been able to sleep soundly at night. Try to hang in there and remember to "love yourself" also. Good Luck to you.

You are in a tough position. You can see what is happening objectively, but your wife cannot. She cannot throw out her daughter knowing she does not have the emotional or financial means to support herself...she just can't do it. IMO the boyfriend should move out. Talk to your wife and propose that you give him 3 months to move out. After three full months (from the 1st of next month) you will also begin charging the daughter rent (say $100/mo). Every month, the rent goes up by $50. She will decide soon enough that she wants to live elsewhere. Or at least it will help her to budget while saving for a place of her own. Get him out quick before they get pregnant and you never get them out. Say to DW, "I care about SD and I don't want to through her out...I want her to learn to take care of herself, just like we had to." "Also, I have to get up early and I don't want them coming in late...if they cannot get home by ____, they should stay elsewhere." "SD isn't gonna like this, and she's going to blame me...so this has to be a decision between the two of us." Then have a family meeting and lay it all out.

Has she graduated from college? Helping her to get through school or job training would contribute to her ability to be independent.

Money and kids are problems that really mess with a marriage. You've come this far...hopefully you and DW can go on some date nights or day trips and treat each other well. That way, you'll be a comfort to one another...at least when the kids are out.

I'm in a slightly worse situation, in that my SD won't ever grow up due to her disabilities and learned helplessness. So I know what it's like to have no say in what goes on in your own home. Still, I love my DH and we are a comfort to one another a majority of the time.

"i feel that she shouldn't be benefiting from my house and it's internet , tv, laptops etc while she is behaving this way, am i being too hard by this?" I would cut all of the power to the house, have your water shut off, eat out, cook for your son & yourself on a grill when the days are nice, take showers at friends or other family members (paying your share of the water bill), laundry mat for your clothes & your sons clothes, & live like little house on the prairie until they all move out. As long as you provide the basic essentials for your son, you are not breaking any laws.

Other than that, im not sure what to recommend but I like "take legal advice". If the others in the household want the nice things & access to the toys, let them pay for it all.

I read the age of the son wrong, sorry for that.

Yea I wish I had some better advice for you because no matter what you do or don't do, he is caught up in it. Pretty sad how some people can be so cruel. Anytime I felt caught up in a situation it felt like I had to do something rather extreme to change the situation. I'm assuming that you have already tried to get things worked out in a reasonable manor & it has not been of any help.

My DH had one regret when him & his ex wife got their divorce..He wishes he would have kept his kids in his custody. He never knew their BM would neglect the kids as bad as she did. DH had his share of faults & some of decisions were made when he felt guilty. I would like to suggest that your son stays with you (primarily) if at all possible if you were to split up with your wife. You sound like a good dad & hes going to need you.

I would recommend that you do NOT move out of the house under any circumstances. I am assuming you are in the UK based on your earlier post and I am not sure if laws are similar to the US. My DH moved out in the beginning of his divorce with his ex with the idea that they would sell the house quickly. She dragged the listing and sale out for 4+ years. He had absolutely no leverage to speed up the process since he was no longer residing in the home. Just a thought.

Colin-I wonder if you can make up a screen name like the rest of us on the off chance SD finds you've been posting to step talk and tries to use your words against you?

I'm really struck by your commitment to your son, good on you. Is the brother who has taken him away, one of your SS's? He did just the right thing so you can think clearly and practically. All the best with it all.

I haven't read all the various replies and answers in this but I did read your first couple posts here.
My first advice would be to NOT "just up and leave" because legally and financially you will be seen as abandoning the house and belongings. This leaves your wife in the position of being able to state that you left her in the house, she will have physical possession of it and all belongings. Therein it can be implied, or stated, that you need to continue financially supporting that house even after you leave since you know she has no means to do so. In short, you can find yourself with nothing but what you left with and still paying to support this household.

If I were you, I would stand up and put my foot down. Tell SD that the BF is no longer allowed to sleep over, as you are not running a hotel, flop house, brothel, etc and he can come visit and go home at night. She will begin paying a full 1/3rd of all rent and utilities and begin looking for a place of her own and be out within 90 days. You may even want to pull the BF aside or take him out to a beer and tell him what's going to start changing and tell him it's nothing personal, but "man to man" , "I may have to put you and her in jail if you decide that playing her little games in MY house is what you want to do.".
All of that is perfectly reasonable and any self sufficient adult should be able to handle that as it is STILL a good deal. You are well within your legal rights to restrict the BF from coming on the premises, tell her and him this, if she doesn't abide, you will have him arrested for trespassing. He will decide that she is not worth getting criminal charges over and if he is such a pu$$y with her, he will absolutely bow to YOUR demands if he thinks you are serious. When you go to work every morning, unplug the cable box or the Internet router and take it with you, hell turn off the electricity breakers and padlock the box, if you are paying for it, there is no reason ANYONE should be using anything they aren't paying for while you are at work. If they are made miserable, or mad by this... GOOD, go get your own place!

Stop sleeping on the couch and being made to feel like an outsider in your own house! You pay the bills, it's YOUR HOUSE. Sleep in your own damned bed, if your wife is having a fit because you told her little angel to pi$$ off and grow up, then SHE can go sleep on the couch. If they want to ignore you or whatever, fine, that's their choice, the more they see you sad or mad the more powerful they feel and the more satisfaction they get. When they come in the room, turn up the TV so loud you can't hear them talk, if they have the remote, TAKE IT from them and put what YOU want on. Make it damned clear that you pay for all of it, so YOU control all of it. They can have an opinion and input on life in the house when they PAY for it.

You may have to put it very plainly and clearly to the whole bunch that this is the way it is and anyone that doesn't like it can LEAVE, unfortunately this would include your wife. It sucks but she may HAVE to choose between you and her little princess, maybe they can collectively go get an apt to share and support themselves. This is far better than you bowing your head and giving up and walking away, THEY are in the wrong, stand up for yourself!

Colin when you say "you will not leave under any circumstances"....does that mean you've decided to kick them all out and you and your bio kids will stay there? Because that was going to be my advice. I know you dont like ultimatums and neither do I, but there comes a time when you are left with no choice. I'd be telling SD and her BF to be gone in a month. If they refuse and Mother supports them, then she goes too. She may be your wife, but her inability to cut the apron strings, nor her arthritis are your problems once you are seperated. Tell her if she cant support YOU on this, then you will no longer support HER, or her daughter and her boyfriend on anything. You and your bio kids have as much right to stay in that house as they do, why should you be the ones to leave? Cut them loose, and tell them to cope without you...wife included.

Sounds to me like you are'nt part of the family at all, just their meal ticket. But appears you are doing the right thing, legal advice and all that. Slow and steady wins the race mate.....dot your i's and cross your t's. They wont realise what they had till its gone....

Colin. I came across your posts. This site has helped me get thru a difficult time dealing with adult SD's. I hope you are finding good advice. Your last post seemed upbeat. Just a word of caution. time will work wonders on most matters. However good it may feel to begin dating right away. Perhaps taking time to put everything in order and finish the business at hand of separation or divorce would be a fairer approach to take for yourself ,your son and whoever the next lady in your life will be. A new beginning can happen any time. Would it not be better to have a clean slate with the emotional carnage in the past. Strife is not a healthy starting point. And remember. Whoever you meet could potentially be a step mom for your son. He will need some time and counseling to get thru this. Please read about PAS. Parental alienation syndrome. It is a divorce warfare tactic that could happen in your situation. It usually gets worse before it gets better. But the better is worth waiting for and working towards. By all means go out with friends. Have some fun. Perhaps just save the dating for a bit later. You'll know when you are ready. It will be when your legal situation is behind you. It will be when you can meet with a date and not talk about your past troubles with the ex. When you both ( she should have her life in order too) can talk about the things in life that interest you, the dreams you have, good memories of your personal history, growing up. When two people are meant to be together and make that commitment of love to one another it is evidence to all who know them by the life they build together as a team. Whether that is a home or business or family or other pursuits they enjoy together. The foundation of that new life is not built upon the still unsteady and crumbling ruins of a previous life but it is built on a slow and steady foundation of friendship, discovery and love. And time.

So. Off the soapbox. In my humble opinion. And personal experience in the school of hard knocks. Advice to be taken or left aside.

Best wishes. Lastly. Find something to enjoy about each day. They are fast and not to be taken for granted.

Ps. Even though no one actually dies in a breakup situation. It does require a time of emotional mourning and grieving. Especially for preteen children. There are lots of books you can read. Ways to cope. Distractions to keep one from truly dealing with the issues. I applaud you for standing up for your principles. And as my own mom told me today. One should never backdown from standing for integrity and dignity. What would we be then but a doormat for those who have no integrity to stand for?
Hang in there. All the best for you and your son. Don't abandon him to the wolves. He will need the example of a man with a backbone and integrity to guide him. Don't think that he knows these things already. Be sure he knows who you are as a man and a person. And likewise you to know him. As our children grow up the relationship should evolve. Not so much a parent and child relationship. But two adults. But in the meantime. Keep the adult issues about the problems with his mother aside. The child should not have to be the confidant of an adult parent in these situations. That is part of the PAS manipulations.

Ok. Best of luck. If you read some of the stories on here you will come across a lot of information. Take care.

When I was a single mom I moved in with my parents and took advantage of the situation and paid no rent for awhile. When they charged me rent eventually, I felt a bit offended but paid it. When they asked me to leave after a year and a half I can remember feeling very abandoned and angry, but in hindsight I know they did the right thing. They acted in unison and because your wife will not act in unison with you, you are in a no-win situation. I'm only offering the perspective that if you can get your sd out, it will be for her own good and help her realize how she took you for granted. I see a divorce happening due to a triangle and your wife will lose out if she can's see this.

We can't change others, we can only change ourselves but sometimes in changing our own behavior and response to a situation it will cause the others to change. I'm sure a therapist can help you work through how you can change your communication with all parties effectively.

My bio Father would throw me out if I acted like that, I urge you to take back control, you've worked hard in order to buy a home and you are being disrespected in it, your sd needs a spanking lol, it can't be nice for you and if you can't relax in your home its time to tell your wife that things must change or its time for her and her daughter to leave. Good luck.

Hi Colin. Have you considered walking around your home in your jocks or flirting with her mother in front of her? I think they would quickly find another place to live if you do that.

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