Joys of holiday planning
Yesterday DH & I went Christmas shopping. While we were driving we discussed what days to do Christmas with our families. DH was driving, so I texted all the skids to let them know what day we would like to do it & see if that worked for them & their families. I still have not received responses from any of them. Am I the only one that finds it so disrespectful to be completely ignored? Unless of course, they need something. Last time one of my them called me I knew that they wanted my help with something so I ignored the call. I have been feeling guilty about it, but today I remember why I disengaged, and my guilt is gone. I have talked to DH before about how it makes me feel when they totally ignore me when I ask them something, but he says it's just the way they are. I guess if there's a silver lining, it's no longer my problem. DH can figure out the Christmas planning with them, I did my part.
In my world, there is no
In my world, there is no "instant text response/make a decision/consider all variables/in-laws/outlaws/steps/bio-world/friends and get back to me within 24 hours" protocol.
Did you request response within 24 hours or the offer was off the table? So, without time parameters, I do not find skids non-response disrespectful. Holidays are stressful for most families because there are so many pulls for attention and tugs of guilt. Skids have less maturity and likely also more attractive alternatives. So, I'd give it a week or two before I became defensive and upset. Would you like an answer by 12/9/16 or you will make other plans without them? Be clear in your communication is my advice.
Aside: perhaps there is a reciprocity in immaturity of 'not answering calls/texts because they want something.' Tossing it out there.
DH was driving so he asked me
DH was driving so he asked me to send them a group text.
It's not the time parameter I
It's not the time parameter I find upsetting, it's that I will get NO response, ever. I never do. But to answer your question, yes I try to text people back within the same day, especially when it comes to planning holidays as I know we all need to coordinate with more than one family. I don't consider not answering skids calls immature, I call it self preservation. I used to bend over backwards to help them, only to be ignored, used, and treated hatefully in return. This recent call was to ask me to take a vacation day from work to do something for them. I already knew what was going on from their FB drama. No reason for me to do favors for people who ignore my existence until they need something from me.
Husband asked you to text.
Husband asked you to text. Knowing full well they ignore you and never answer you, your response to DH should have been no. ' DH, I'll let you give your kids a call or text when we're home'.
Why set yourself up only to get angry?
Just curious, but you mentioned in an earlier forum post that SD doesn't come and has her father do a ;bring the grandkid's gift over on x at x. Why bother texting her , either of you?
SD was not included in the
SD was not included in the text, we already know she would never grace us with her presence for xmas lol. I sent text to SSs and their wives. But you're right, I should have just let DH handle it himself.
So you have my SD's too,
So you have my SD's too, astheworld....poor you; if so, I had to finally accept is was a hopeless situation for me; my husband is their doormat. (But I am not)!
I read the advise of posters here (which I eternally grateful for), and for the first time I am totally disengaged from them now. When he is with them in the future, I will go to the spa and indulge in peacefulness and drama free time--for a change.
Did they write about you on FB yet? That's always fun to read about yourself, especially at Christmas and your friends are calling you to tell you all about it..LOL. So, I recommend you block FB too, immediately too. Jealous people are looking for any reason to interfere, so do not let them know anything you are up to, via social media.
My parents are big planners.
My parents are big planners. My wife, son, and me are not. My brother's family isn't so much either.
When mom and dad push for a plan they usually get a quick response something along the lines of "We will talk about it. Give us some time and we will get back to you."
Then we talk about, figure out our own holiday desires, and we get back to them with when we can be available. If we respond too quickly that tends to ramp up the pressure to plan and schedule increasingly more of our future free time.
I think you should put a time request for a response when you ask for feedback on your plans. If you don't there is no clear expectation for a reply.
Dadswife you are right, I
Dadswife you are right, I gave them the power. I never thought about them finding amusement in leaving us hanging, I just figured they are too lazy or just don't really don't give a $hit. DH should just text them with a time & date & say if you want your gifts, show up or they go to charity. Oh well, I'm staying out of it now. I don't know why I let myself engage in the first place.
Time to think about cutting
Time to think about cutting down on the gifts too. Why shop till you drop for people who don't appreciate you nor your efforts? A simple toy and a warm pj for small grandchildren. Since the SS has problems with affording his family, a gift card to your local grocer. Practical useful and needed.
Learn to plan your holidays to suit DH and yourself. Whether that be setting a date and if they come, fine, if not, oh well. Perhaps instead a Christmas dinner for close friends and family that do enjoy your company and appreciate your efforts. Maybe you'll decide instead a weekend get-away in a pampered lodge or big city hotel enjoying the festive foods and sights.
Your holiday can be whatever you and DH want it to be, you just need to stop chasing dysfunctional people bring stress and drama.
I agree with DadsWife
I agree with DadsWife again.... I know how you feel. The last time I texted asking what they wanted for presents, etc., and received no response from anybody at all was the last time. I blocked them, done. We do not communicate at all, I should have never tried to begin with--it is all daddeeee's now...:-)
After being disrespected for
After being disrespected for 30+ years, trying to have the Brady Bunch family for DH, cooking, entertaining, etc. I give it up, over night. I'd had enough of just what you are posting.
It is not my problem any longer. I gave it all to DH, when I totally disengaged 7 years ago. If he needs my help in shopping, etc., I let him tell me exactly what he wants me to help with, I never ask. He gives me the $$$ to accomplish it and he signs all the cards, etc.
I NEVER take it upon myself to do for my grown skids; they always thanked DH only anyway.
Don't you just love this time of year?
I enjoy the holidays without my skids. Since I have disengaged that do their own thing, I do mine. If DH wants to join them for whatever, it's his choice; I just request that I'm not pressured to join.
Renewal, this is exactly what
Renewal, this is exactly what happens with my skids. They often don't respond to DH either & he has to call them repeatedly. I don't know why I had any expectation that it would be any different with me. Last year at xmas they called three hours before dinner and said they didn't feel like coming that day & wanted to know if they could come the next day. To DHs credit, after that he quit planning any family dinners with his kids as they always show up late or not at all. I just thought maybe this year we could get some kind of plan & stick to it, it is my fault for getting involved or having an expectation at all.
Step aside you are absolutely
Step aside you are absolutely correct on all accounts. DH called both skids today & asked if they got my text. Both said yes. DH then asked if the day I suggested worked for them & they both said yes. It was not a matter of being too busy or not knowing what they were doing for the holidays yet, it was just simply that they don't feel the need or have the common courtesy to send a response to ole stepmom. While he was on the phone with them DH asked skids to send him a list of what they want for xmas. Boy you should have heard the texts start rolling in. They sure don't waste time when they want something. Again, my fault for expecting anything different. Every year it's like I expect some kind of Christmas miracle that's never gonna happen.
skids are adults, you send
skids are adults, you send them a text to find out what's going to happen ... they did not respond.. why stress simply go on with life, and make your plans accordingly, if they reply just before Christmas you can always reply back,
Oh sorry we already made our plans, but enjoy your holidays....
Last year we split up the
Last year we split up the Christmas get together since we are building a house and couldn't host the big blended family party. His kids had their party Christmas Day and my kids hosted my side of the family Christmas Eve.
Two days ago I get a text from SD announcing the "DH family Christmas party" will be at SDs house on Christmas Eve. I texted back that we will have to check, since we are not hosting. Obviously she's mad that I didn't immediately accept her choice of time and day and wanted to check with my relatives first, since SD has decided to take over their day.
When we had lunch with SS37 the next day, he totally understood that we had to coordinate with my kids' plans but SD36 was obviously pouting and didn't attend the lunch.
My gift to DH this year will be an IPhone 7. Since I am tired of fielding texts from his daughter and then getting blamed when she doesn't get the answer she wants, when she wants. Let her dad have the courage to tell her.