I need some advice please
Hey all I am new to this, but I really need some advice from people who have been there. I am currently with a girl who I love very much. I came into this relationship with her having a 3 year old son. Her 3 year old is very very spoiled... when I first met her all he had to do was point at an object in a store and he got it, regaurdless of price, and if she said no, he would pitch a fit then get it anyway. As you can imagine this carries on way past stores to our homelife, and basically the child getting whatever he wanted when he threw a fit. Now I have been in this relationship for 6 months now, and I have improved a lot of things, (such as teaching him what no actually means...lol) Long story short our current issue is that he is always mean to animals, and whenever they "fight back" (such as the cat scratching him) she immediately goes to straight babying mode. This incident with cats keeps happening, he is mean to them so he gets scratched, then momma just babies the hell outta him, and he doesnt learn its wrong to be mean to them, therefore he keeps getting hurt. Recently we have gotten in a few arguments over her babying him, and not teaching him to stop doing it, my question is, am I right or wrong for thinking that even though he has a small scratch, (granted we will always take care of the injury and make sure he is o.k.) that it should be used to teach him that being mean to animals is wrong, instead of just babying the hell outta him because he is crying.
With kids, everything is a
With kids, everything is a teachable moment. You maybe can't stop him from being mean to the animals (unless you keep him and the animals separate), but you're right, you can NOT baby him when he receives a natural consequence of his actions. The cat is not hunting him down and mauling him (I assume), he is hunting down and mauling the cat and the cat naturally is attempting to defend itself or remove itself from the situation. What's going to happen if he pulls a dog's tail and gets bit? This needs to be dealt with and control established before something more serious happens than a cat scratch, in my opinion.
Next time you see him
Next time you see him approach and pester the cat, I would shout "NO!" in a loud voice, so he takes notice.
If he continues to plague the cat, he should get "time out" on a naughty step, and you should keep this up until he doesn't bother the cat any more. Tell your partner this is non negotiable, that you are not prepared to have him develop into a child who is cruel to animals.
Don't take this the wrong
Don't take this the wrong way. You partner needs to sit down and watch a few episodes of the "DOG WHISPERER"
It's on cable, or go to your local library and order up a copy of a few episodes and watch it.
Because what's happening is, your partner is actually rewarding her son for bad behavior. It's become a habit now and a pattern. He probably annoys the cat when you arn't looking, cat responds and swipes at him, kid cries and gets all the hugs, love and attention he craves. Mom's full and undivided attention.
The Dog Whisperer points this out when you have a dog who barks at people,other dogs or what not.. and the owner immedialtely naturally puts their hand down on the dog, pets it and soothes it. Talk to it. "It's alright fido.. it's ok boy." What the owner just did was in essense say, "good boy, you barked at that postman, you went after that other dog." The intent was right... the owner wanted to sooth the dog... but the FILTER..MESSAGE.. or TRANSLATION was recieved wrong.
Same thing with kids. Especially little kids who have a limited vocabulary and limited way of communicating. Many older kids and adults have a difficult time putting thier feelings into words. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel unloved. And if they can't name the feeling.. or talk about it.. they certainly can't tell you verbalize what they need. "I need a hug." "I need to spend some time with you because I miss the connection." I use the Dog Whisper analogy because dogs have a limited way of communicating with us, like little kids.
Children are programed to get our attention fron the cradle. They cry and we have to play the game of figuring out what they want. Are they hungry? Are they wet? Do they need to be held? At some point, you take care of your childs needs and try to help them figure out how to self sooth. It's a learning lesson from cradle up. Re-directing them and teaching them how to cope and teaching them boundaries. Like firmly telling them "NO.. do not pull the cats tail" or "NO.. you can not have that toy.. or we are not buying you a happy meal today." NO... the most powerful word a parent has at his disposal. "NO" sets boundaries. As a child grow's, you toss in logic. "NO, you can't have a happy meal because....." If you give in to all of young children's wants when they are young, you are setting yourself up and them up for a whole world of pain as teen agers. You can bend the branch of a tree when it's sappling, but when it grows.. that branch is not bendable or manageble anymore.
If you are going to continue on in this relationship, it's so very important you both co-parent together. You learn how to parent together. He's no longer her son. He becomes "OUR" son. Come to an agreement now vs. later, or leaving it open to interpretation. That kid will grow up so fast you'll wonder where the time went. And Teen's???? they are genetically programmed to divide and couquer.. they find the weakest link and the path of least resistance to push their way out of the nest. Parenting isn't easy or for the faint of heart. It is however and can be very rewarding for all.