I JUST FOUND OUT MY 23-YEAR OLD STEPSON FILMS ME UNDRESSING
I'm a 48-year old father to three children, ages 16, 18, and 30, and I've been re-married for nearly 8 years to an amazing woman who has a 23-year old son.
My stepson and I don't really see eye to eye, and I've made every attempt to bond with him. After a couple years, he started to come around and we finally grew close enough to be able to talk to each other. He's a very introverted person and is diagnosed with Aspergers. He gets along just fine with my kids and everything seemed to be going okay, despite how much he loves to keep to himself.
Just now though, I found out that he takes advantage of a loose vent cover in my kids' bedroom that is right next to the upstairs bathroom, and spies in the molding to watch me undress when I'm taking a shower. This is an outrageous violation of not only MY privacy but also anyone else's who ever uses that bathroom for anything! I was in there one day and thought I saw something move behind the vent and I swear to god I saw a camera lens, probably from his cell phone. I was still decent so I opened the door and rushed into the other room to see him right near the vent with cell phone in hand. I have no idea how long he's been doing this for, but we've lived in this house for 6 years. The problem is he's very good at lying and always has an answer for everything. He tried to get away with it by saying he was looking for his cat's little mouse toy that it lost under the desk near where the vent is. I've since tightened the vent cover back on and I wanted to call him out for lying but then he'll just go to his mom and I know how HEARTBROKEN she will be when she finds out about this... She always chooses him over me, and I understand that, but this is NOT something we can just ignore. There is seriously something very wrong with this kid. It seems VERY premeditated and he knows what he's doing is wrong, and unless we punish him, he's never gonna change. This is the same bathroom my KIDS use when they visit the house every other weekend.... If their bedroom is empty how do I know he's not peeping on my boys the same way????
Frankly if it were up to me, I'd force him to get counseling. He needs some kind of treatment or it's just going to get worse. I'm trying to sympathize as best I can but this is beyond infuriating and I'm doing everything I can to keep it together.... We have no way of knowing how long he's done this or if he's sharing those videos with anyone and the whole thing makes me completely and utterly sick....
If you have any advice at all, I really need as much as I can get... Please tell me what I should do about his stepson so that I don't end up losing my wife too for her thinking I'm exaggerating when I'm not.
Well this happened yesterday.
Well this happened yesterday. It's not like it was moments ago, I had to look around before I found a site like this to ask for help.
Thank god it won't be hard to keep him away from my boys, he only ever talks to them if they talk to him first, so I'll tell them he really wants to be alone for now. His bedroom is smack dab in the middle of everything on the first floor so we always know when he's there or not so it's not like he'd be able to sneak up there when we're home. I know what will happen if I get the cops involved... My wife will leave me for what I'd be doing to her little boy who's not a little boy anymore, but she won't see it that way... She MIGHT agree to counseling but I don't want to put stress on her since she chain smokes when she's stressed and a couple years ago she nearly needed heart surgery.... I can't put this kind of stress on her when she's in such a condition.
I agree with the idea to go through his computer and phone, he spends almost all his time on his laptop, but if we don't find anything then this is going to make ME look like the bad guy and she won't believe anything I have to say about it ever again! I'll bet you anything that he knows he was caught and is either clearing out all his videos or putting them online so he can take them off the computer in case there's a search. He had all night to do this, and he's worked for computer tech support so he'd know how to delete them for good.....
It's probably too late to go through is electronics, do you have any other suggestions???
Law Enforcement will
Law Enforcement will confiscate all his electronic toys and go thru them. You should go down and report it to their stalking/sex offender division personally; explain to them the situation with your son/wife. They are good at handling such family situations. They are trained to protect the innocent that live in your home. If your DW doesn't like it, she has to move out with her DS.
You are putting your children in danger here; there is something wrong with this guy. If you don't turn it over to the authorities; he is liable to do something to your kids and set you off; then you will be the one in jail.
Take control of this pervert thru the proper channels.
He is 23 and a pervert. He
He is 23 and a pervert. He goes and he goes now. I understand that his has Asperger's but he is not a child and with your kids visiting they do not need to be exposed (no pun intended) to this crap and neither do you.
When he goes have him moved in he back of a police car under arrest.
I would if I were you.
Your SS is committing
Your SS is committing criminal acts by filming people without their knowledge in various states of undress in the bathroom, using the toilet, and so on. Your wife needs to know what is going on. Then there is the issue that your children possibly have been filmed. Even worse than that, is that the films could have found their way to others and/or Internet sites. Find out how the police in your state handle these issues. You said you have been in this house 6 years. One of your sons is a minor now. Taking/sending/posting videos of naked/semi naked minors is a serious crime. Your SS is 23, an adult. Does your SS work and pay for his cellphone? If not, who does? The phone and videos would be evidence. Your SS has serious issues that need to be dealt with immediately. Does your wife use this bathroom? How about people who visit?
He's worked for a little over
He's worked for a little over a year in tech support and has about 10 grand in his checking account last I checked. He was laid off a month ago but he still pays for his phone and my wife is helping him with unemployment benefits....
My wife does use this bathroom but only occasionally. I just realized now that there is another bathroom downstairs that connects to his room but thank god he has a dresser pushed up against the vent with a plasma tv on top of it. He's scrawny so there's no way he'd be able to move that out of the way to spy into that one especially without us hearing it on hard wood floor. First chance I get though, I'm going to go over the wall for peep holes..... I can't live like this, and as much as it pains me to say it I really just want him gone now.... But if he leaves, my wife leaves.... People who visit never use the upstairs bathroom since the one downstairs is much more convenient.
I feel for your fears
I feel for your fears but....let's say this was not your SS. What would you do? What if your EX wife had a SS in her home doing the same thing to your children that your SS may be doing to your children now?? What would you do then? What would you suggest your Ex do? Wouldn't you be over there in a flash to take care of and protect your children from such a pervert. I am sorry your wife is ill....I am, but your children may be victims of kiddy porn!!! I would say, with all due respect...if your wife, ill or not cannot respect you and the safety of your children then does she really love you? Sorry dude....there would be no question....that sicko needs to be dealt with! IMMEDIATELY. Turn the tables on your wife...he goes, or you go. Your kids are the most important thing here.....
".... But if he leaves, my
".... But if he leaves, my wife leaves.... " Why would you stay in a marriage like that?
I wouldn't.
She facilitates and enables his crap. She is worse than he is.
I agree, any parent who
I agree, any parent who chooses their grown up, perverted child over their life partner is not a life partner.
People who can't see their kids for what they really are drive me crazy. Coddling a grown child is never helpful to anyone. I would request to see his phone in front of her and if you find pics or videos she needs to be there to witness it. And she needs to agree he needs to go or YOU should be the one leaving.
If I found out someone was
If I found out someone was filming me in a bathroom without my knowledge I would careless how my husband felt about it, my DH better feel as outraged as I did. If I found out someone could have filmed my kids naked I would be EVEN less concerned with what ANYONE thought and I would totally call the cops.
Just a thought...if you do go
Just a thought...if you do go through SS's phone and computer...there are phone apps that teens use to hide sexting, videos, photos. Go to the app store and type SECRET and loads of apps will come up. However, since he worked as computer tech, he knows about those apps and where to hide things on computers that the average person wouldn't be able to find, and so on. You may want to get a computer/smart phone savvy person to go through his computer and phone.
I like this idea but I'd be
I like this idea but I'd be needing to get my wife involved if we go this route since we can't just pull him away from his computer and have a stranger look at it... He has a clean slate with everyone which makes this even more unbelievable.... He stays home all the time, never does drugs, never gets into trouble..... We put way too much trust in him and my wife is never going to agree to having experts search his belongings unless I can offer up some proof first.
OMG! WHO GIVES A RATS ASS
OMG! WHO GIVES A RATS ASS what she thinks! If this guy is a pervert...your children could be in danger! PERIOD! Maybe he will not touch them physically, but I would imagine from watching crime shows that he is making a mint off selling videos of your children undressing or naked to petofiles! HELLLOOO!!!! I am outraged! What would you want someone to do if this was your son behaving in this manner?
I am curious...did you
I am curious...did you actually confront him about it at the time? Did you let him know in no uncertain terms what your course of action will be if he ever tries this again? He needs to understand that his dirty little tech tricks won't fly. Let him run to Mommy! Tell her to get over herself and start facing reality. If she is so deluded about the little prince that she "leaves" you, then there wasn't much of a relationship to begin with. How can you describe a partner as "amazing" when you feel you must walk on eggshells around her? Sounds more like she's playing you like a puppet.
If you did not yet confront him, I would suggest taking him aside out of Mommy's earshot and read him the riot act. Tell him you are going to have the authorities investigate his online activity because you,don't want images of your family being used. If he has worked in tech, then he has all sorts of tricks up his sleeve. And nail the bloody vent shut permanently. And consider accidentally backing over his phone with your car ... That'll finish off the files.
I CAN'T confront him or he'll
I CAN'T confront him or he'll pent up his feelings, his mom will see something's wrong, and he'll put on an oscar-worthy performance that I'm accusing him of something outlandish.... She has told me never to talk to him about anything unless I tell HER first...
She thinks he finds me intimidating because I'm a very hyper person. When I really get into what I'm saying it sounds like I'm getting pissed when I'm really not, it's just how I talk and it's apparently hard for someone with Aspergers to understand that. If anything though, it's my SS who's playing all of us like the puppets.
When I caught him, he told the lie about searching for a cat toy, and if I tried to challenge him on it, he'd know I was accusing him of something. I hate walking on eggshells around my wife when it comes to this guy but I at least know he apparently keeps quiet when I pull him aside to vent about stuff that has nothing to do with him. If I accuse him though, there's a 100% guarantee he'll run to her and she will take his side.
I will put a screen on the
I will put a screen on the vent, but I have no way of knowing if he has hidden cameras in rooms as another means to engage in this behavior, not to mention any other videos he might have taken before now.... That's the problem, otherwise, fixing the vent and leaving it alone would be obvious. IT IS TOO LATE FOR THAT!
I retired from Law
I retired from Law Enforcement; you can request a search of your home, you can file a report with the proper police divisions that handle these type of cases; believe me they have the knowledge and training to handle it.
I understand you don't want to make waves with your wife; but you have to put your children first. How do you know SS isn't posting naked pictures of your children as we sit here and debate what you should do.
You ask for advice here; this is serious, and you need to move NOW on this problem. If it is as you say, you have an obligation to involve your DW ASAP.
I know you mentioned you get
I know you mentioned you get hyper so this might be a facet of it but I think you're jumping to conclusions on him possibly have installed hidden cameras in the house. I have the habit of snowballing as well. I definitely think it's important, if you suspect him of what you think is happening, to get proof. I worked in IT--you might think you deleted things but there are ways to recover it. The ONLY way to absolutely make sure everything is off the computer is to physically destroy it (like with an electromagnet or something), and even then some things can get recovered.
Also, there are way to set your internet router up so it logs where the ip addresses in the house goes--so ALL websites it has visited can be recorded. There should also be a way to get the data of the previously visited websites. Speak with an IT specialist. I am worried about child porn issues if your kids visit and you think he's been video-ing them.
You can do all the research on internet history via the router without your wife knowing first, and if you find something, then bring it to her.
Even if he worked in tech, I think he'd be too lazy to go as deep as resetting the router history because most people think just wiping internet history/cookies off the browser is enough.
"Never tallk to,SS about
"Never tallk to,SS about anything unless you tell DW first". So tell her what happened. If she balks, then she doesn't give a toss about your privacy, feelings or safety. Great partner!
I couldn't live with that. The moving truck would already be backed up to the house for my stuff. No one should be banned from saying what they think.
You seem to have every excuse in the book to let DW pussywhip you over her lil precious. Until you stand up for the truth, then you will continue to live in the twilight zone being played by her refusal to parent the boy.
Why was he in YOUR kids room?
Why was he in YOUR kids room? Does the cat go wherever it pleases and brings its stuff everywhere? I'm not saying it's impossible for him to have been filming but is it possible that he was using the flashlight on his cell phone to look for the mouse toy which was why you would have seen a camera lens?
Talk to his mom. You guys are a team. Even if there may be an argument, I would start off with something like, "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something, please don't take this the wrong way, I'm not mad or accusing anyone of anything but I am a bit concerned because the other day etc."
Any reasonable person would listen to your fears and investigate the issue at hand.
The cat is allowed in certain
The cat is allowed in certain rooms and only blocked off from a few.... It does have a habit of taking its toys everywhere by carrying them in its mouth like a dog.
But no, I don't think it's possible he was using a flashlight. This was in the afternoon and the desk has a small opening underneath that's only about half a foot from the wall. You can see everything very clearly and wouldn't need a flashlight.....
I might have to do what you suggested and treat the situation like glass. I think your opening sentence for how to address the problem might work so thank you.
Tell him you'll walk right
Tell him you'll walk right next to him to tell his Mom all about it!! Your side and his. She can choose what she does with that. That will be your answer as to where YOU stand in this marriage.
I have to assume you are not certain at all that he has been spying/videoing you or your children, because I would assume that there is no way you would jeopardize the safety of your children for anyone! I would assume that if you were positive he was doing these perverted things you wouldn't be beating around the bush here sacrificing the safety of your children. But you know what they say about assume....
Your children are innocent and pure with no way to protect themselves. THAT IS YOUR JOB! If I was your EX, I would refuse to allow your children to visit! I would get a court order that stated that the children could not be in that house until the "MAN KID" was evaluated, investigated and cleared. What if the tables were turned?? YOu think your current wife would be on a forum asking strangers what to do? HELL NO! THINK ABOUT "YOUR C_H_I_L_D_R_E_N" and their safety!
How about taking all his
How about taking all his electronics to a specialist and let them search for what is on them and where they might have been posted. If he hasn't done anything wrong, then DW or SS shouldn't have an issue with that. If there are bathroom photos or videos there, then the next stop is the police station.
I'm not releasing anyone's
I'm not releasing anyone's names, but you think I'm making this s*** up? The only reason I'm not taking immediate action is because I HAVE NO PROOF, AND I DON'T WANT MY MARRIAGE TO END BECAUSE OF THIS KID'S ISSUES!!! HE IS SO SICKENINGLY ENABLED THAT MY WIFE WILL TAKE HIS SIDE FOR EVERYTHING!!!
She WILL respect what I want for my kids, I KNOW she will. But she's also not going to throw him out of the house and no matter what I do she is going to be hurt by this.
You DO NOT have to have proof
You DO NOT have to have proof to have the home searched; tell your DW what is going on and then move forward to correct the suspicions. You DO NOT have to accuse. You have reason to believe he was peeking, just justify, with law enforcement, his reason for being in the situation.
Another reason to involve authorities, it will probably scare him and may stop it all; but again I think he needs counseling myself and your DW should agree to work on this.
Sweeping it under the rug won't work.
All right, I've been tossing
All right, I've been tossing over all these suggestions and there really doesn't seem to be a subtle way of doing this.... I'm just going to tell her what I saw. I'll tell her that the molding was opened somehow and that I saw him right near it while he was looking for a toy for his cat and what this might mean...... I just have to have faith that if I can shake her up with all the worst case scenarios then she'll at least agree to a search of his electronics, and I doubt she won't be suspicious if he says no.
She may think he can do no wrong but she watches crime shows too and she's a very smart woman. I'm petrified of what this'll mean for our family but I can't just do nothing while my kids are put at risk... Thank you everyone.....
Playing a cop on TV is way
Playing a cop on TV is way different than being a cop in real life. What are you going to do if she says she will "talk to him" then she comes back and reports to you that he was looking for a cat toy.
Then what?
I'm hoping she won't be
I'm hoping she won't be blinded by the glow of his halo enough to understand that the odds of him being in my kids' room at all while I was taking a shower, let alone near that part of the wall, is a little too big of a coincidence to believe outright.... The only rooms upstairs are our bedroom, an upstairs bathroom, and my kids' room. He has NO business being up there at all to begin with, and I should also add that the cat has dozens of the same kind of toys lying around the den....
Yes, collect all the
Yes, collect all the electronics and have them combed over. If he has been filming you he's likely been filming your children and wife too. I didn't catch how old your children are but if they are minors then this is a huge issue.
You have to man up and protect your kids, yourself, your wife and even SS23 from himself. If he's sick enough to film his stepfather undressing who know what else he's doing.
Your wife is going to be upset, who wouldn't if their son was doing this crap. But you need to do the right thing and put an end to it now.
I have a son who is special needs and there is no way I would ever excuse this or any illegal behavior from him because of his disability. I expect him to be a responsible and respectful citizen just like my other children. He knows what he was doing is wrong and that's why he lied to you!
NOW THERE IS THAT PASSION!!
NOW THERE IS THAT PASSION!! Use the anger you have towards those of us you feel are accusing you of making this stuff up and protect your children!
I DON'T WANT MY MARRIAGE TO
I DON'T WANT MY MARRIAGE TO END BECAUSE OF THIS KID'S ISSUES!!! HE IS SO SICKENINGLY ENABLED THAT MY WIFE WILL TAKE HIS SIDE FOR EVERYTHING!
If you truly believe this, don't worry about your marriage ending ... because you never had one to begin with.
@2tired4drama TRUE DAT!!
@2tired4drama TRUE DAT!!
Glad to hear you are going to
Glad to hear you are going to talk with your DW. My SD and DH did much less and Law Enforcement visited, on my request, and straightened things out. Nobody went to jail, but I made believers our these two family members.
I will do it again too.
No divorce and no more BS.
I actually thought my DH would divorce me over it and am surprised he didn't, when I had him booted to SD's house, via Law Enforcement.
I only wish I would have straightened it out years ago.
Good Luck! Keep us posted, you have our interest now.
Just call 911 and take this
Just call 911 and take this out of your DW's hands. Let the authorities deal with it and take his phone and computer. No search warrant necessary if you let them in the house.
It is time for the SS to bear the consequences of his criminal actions.
He can also go down to the
He can also go down to the police station and file a report. Once the ball is rolling it will be out of DW's hands and some form of action will have to be taken. Since ss has special issues I'm sure a psychologist will be involved.
^^^^THIS^^^^^^
^^^^THIS^^^^^^
If you are really afraid of
If you are really afraid of your wife not believing you, just go buy a mini recording device yourself. Put it in the vent facing the kids room so it will record anyone who opens the vent and him sticking his phone in between the two walls. Then you have proof you need. Show him the proof and tell him he has to move out.
Then show your wife.
Personally I would take it to the police but you clearly won't do that so....do the above.
I told my wife what I thought
I told my wife what I thought might be happening..... She took it well but this whole thing just got so much worse because either her son told her a BS lie to try and excuse his behavior or there's more going on with him than I thought.
She told me that he told her a while ago that he had imaginary friends and enemies and that these enemies felt real to him and tried to make his life hell in silence. She said she researched the symptoms and that it seems a lot like he's a schizophrenic. He told her that he felt like he HAD to sleuth by stalking people to see if they were trying to hurt him. He claims he broke out of it when she almost needed the open heart surgery but we both know he never got counseling for it if it's even real to begin with.
Whether this is true or not she at least believed that he might have been spying and that it might have turned him into a kind of stalker. She said he's always been really good at finding people online through social media without them even knowing it.... And she did agree to confiscate his electronics by telling him we both feel it was for his own safety. We're secretly going to have them investigated by local authorities. Now he's in his room with a pencil and a notepad writing down about when he was fighting his schizophrenia.... Now I'm even more worried than ever since my kids could have easily gotten involved in his deranged little world..... She DOES want to take him to a counselor but I'm seriously starting to wonder if we should be considering a full blown mental institution now.......
How are you going to check
How are you going to check the internet to see if there are naked pics of your kids out there?
So your DW thinks her son might be a schizophrenic but never took him to see a doc because her open heat surgery broke him out of it??
Renewal I thought the same
Renewal I thought the same thing..........seems "off".
It's surreal, obviously. Now
It's surreal, obviously. Now I don't really blame you for not believing it, but honestly I'm just happy something's being done about it and that I don't need to keep shadowboxing with strangers over it. You've all been very helpful in your own ways.... now I just have to wait for the results and then I can decide whether or not to have SOME kind of relief....
Wouldn't the specialist know
Wouldn't the specialist know how to get his history back even though he deleted it? They have his laptop and his phone so we're going to start there.
My wife never had open heart surgery but she had a heart attack and needed to have a stent put in. The surgery didn't happen but I left my stepson at home the whole time and according to him he apparently beat his imaginary demons when she was admitted because they were threatening to do worse to her in his head.
I know he had minor counseling before for leaving unsigned threatening notes to girls in his class years ago but it was never for anything like this. He NEEDS to see a psychiatrist about THIS problem; him seeing one in the past and not talking about it doesn't count in the slightest.
Institute. He needs to be
Institute. He needs to be presented to some professionals. That might become easier if the authorities find some evidence - some lawyer can make a plea for him claiming mental instability and off he goes for an eval. or more. Protect your kids and possibly even yourself from legal issues.
Would be nice to have a
Would be nice to have a comment from Orange County but that is years past. If what you say is true! The man needs help ASAP and you need to get your kids out of this situation ASAP as well. No good will happen until his mental issues are addressed and honestly even if they were, I would put my kids first and not worry about your "wonderful" wife and get out before it gets much much worse. Please don't be a news story.
I'd say contact police. If
I'd say contact police. If you feel that he is doing this to your other children then you have an obligation to keep them safe let alone him doing it to you. What if he's been posting this stuff online.
I have a friend who found out her middle child had done inappropriate things to her younger. As parent of course she wanted to protect both but she knew she HAD to report it. Because she did everything turned out ok in the end. Both kids had therapy and the case against the middle was dropped. The parents never risked losing their children because they were proactive.
If you don't you are responsible for anything bad that happens to the children. This is not a case of work with your partner to help him out. He is committing a MAJOR SEXUAL CRIME and it must be treated as such.
I did not read all the
I did not read all the comments... I laughed to much cause this is disturbing.
I also want to say get the police involved, report his ass, then I thought... what about playing along, take a photo of you - just your hand flipping the bird and every time you go into the bathroom put it in front of the vent....
get a poster reading "Eff you Pervert" and use that as well, every day a different thing to cover the vent in the bathroom or any other peep hole, advice your kids to do the same with the different banners... hahaha get one banner with a big eye on it saying " I see a pervert"
SOrry I had a relaxing week-end, nos kids involved and no stress involved
What about using a hidden
What about using a hidden camera in the kid room?
WOW - I was expecting this to
WOW - I was expecting this to be a step-son photoing his step-mom. What is his motive I wonder. Did he have plans of posting pics of you to embarrass you or does he actually "want" pics of you.
Creepy as all f in either case. Unfortunately you really should contact the police. But his mother will probably never forgive you and it will end your marriage. Maybe for the best - hard to deal with a family creeper in the house.
You gotta tell. She might get
You gotta tell. She might get mad. But think how much worse it would be if someone else discovered this, turned him in to police and he became a headline. Either way, your wife hurts. Better that it come before something worse happens. When she gets mad, that's what you need to say: better to contain it, get him help to avoid scandal, ruin and jail time.
And, I'll just add this. What if you don't do anything and he harms someone outside the family? Do you want to live with that?