I just can't hold my tongue
DH calls me at work yesterday and says he's going to drive by SD29 house on his way home from work to "check" on her. He's been worried that she is going to harm herself. :sick: I said, "you've got to do what you've got to do".
So, he goes to the house and low and behold the BF is there! The BF that she just swore to DH that IT'S OVER!! (DH hates the BF) She is not there. BF told DH that she is with a friend, but doesn't know where. SD29 got her license taken away and her BF doesn't own a car.
I listened and said "oh". DH said he told the BF to have her call him.
I get done from working my 2 jobs and DH told me that SD texted him saying that the BF was there to get the last of his things (bull doinky!!) and she loves DH and misses him and wants to talk and makes things right (again) but in person,..... oh okay.
So then she calls. I know he doesn't want to talk in front of me so I do him a favor and leave the room. He gets off the phone and comes in the room to tell me what the phone conversation was about.
Now, the big issue between DH and I is that I want him to tell me what's going on with her, like when she calls, what she is up to, if she's asking for money, etc, so he has really been trying to do that and I appreciate that effort because it shows me that he is taking my feelings into consideration...( well, about THAT anyway)
Well, I just couldn't shut the hell up and let him talk. I had to get my 2 cents in. He was saying that she paid for this and paid for that and I had to say "Well, BM really paid for it". So, he got so pissed off and said "forget it! I'm done telling you about her" etc., and walked away and won't talk to me now. sigh......here we go again.
I did apologize and tell him I was wrong to interrupt him and I'm sorry.
Silent treatment. (maybe i can turn that into a good thing)
She's a liar and I can't let things go!
I can see him telling me things isn't working and him not telling me things didn't work, so I don't know how else to handle this.
Any suggestions?
My DH gets like this when it
My DH gets like this when it come to BM.. and I can kind of understand. I get mad when I find out that he has not told me things about BM, like if she has asked him for borrow money or something to that nature, but then when he does tell me I get just as mad so DH feels like he can't win. I have REALLY been trying to just listen when it comes to things like this and refrain from adding my two cents, but it is VERY hard!
Thanks for the
Thanks for the responses.
Echo, you're right. I don't blame him now either for not opening up.
I knew as soon as it came out of my mouth, I shouldn't have said it.
I loved what your Gram used to say and wish I had the knack/control to do it!!
I need to work on that.
I think it's a little much to be driving to SD's house too! She's an adult.
It's behavior like this that's makes me uncomfortable and question alot of things.
Ya know, I ask myself that
Ya know, I ask myself that question, "WHY THE HELL DO I CARE!!??"
and I honestly can't come up with an answer!
Do I like her......not any more!! We used to be very close until she lied to me and stole money and pain pills from me.
I really think it's the money thing!! Him giving her oodles of money and her not wanting to get a job!!
It was nice when she wasn't around. I think I try to figure out their relationship and if he's "believing her again", because that means
he's going to want her to come over the house and visit and I DON'T want her at the house!
so, maybe I can tell him in some nice way, to not tell me anything that is going on with her and that I don't want her in our home! I think
that is the only way I can disengage from her because my home is my castle and she already violated my in my own home.
Echo, do you have a nice way I can say that without starting world war 10 ?
"...If you have an adult
"...If you have an adult stepchild who still only considers you the barrier to a great love affair she is entitled to with her daddy..."
LMAO!!!! This is soooo true! That's why I love StepAside!
I, too, don't even see why anyone would care what's going on between DH and SD if you have a crap-ass relationship with them. I'm disengaged, and really couldn't care less about SD. Although, there are situations where I'm stuck hearing about her and her crazy-ass life (at family functions). I've learned to just sit there and make a grocery list in my head or something and ignore the conversation. It's made my life sooooo much easier to just NOT CARE about her at all.
A really big part of my decision to disengage was when I asked myself: "If SD lived across the street, would I be friends with her? If SD was introduced to me as a complete stranger, would I WANT to be friends with her? If SD was not the daughter of DH, would I want to know her?" The answer to all was a resounding "NO". When I realized that she was not someone who I would ever want in my life, my family's life, or even in my neighborhood, I realized it was time to either get divorced or disengage!
Stepaside, you cant
Stepaside, you cant comprehend how someone tells them their spouses their children aren't welcome in their own home? I'll tell you how. When that "child" (and in many cases, like mine-they're just overgrown shits)sits in your home and is violent, acts like a human eating machine, expects cigarettes to be handed things, uses household items without permission (and he doesn't live here this is MY HOUSE NOT HIS). When that "child" as a teenager has a tantrum because he's going back to the residential treatment center early for giving himself a 5-finger discount on cigarettes has a tantrum and throws things in our house, lets his baby half-brother almost fall on the ground, snaps at older half-brother, tears up dads car on the way over there, gets in dads face and threatens dad, THEN lies about dad hitting him (which dad didn't do) and gets CPS called on us for nothing and doesn't even act sorry, when that "child" only calls when he wants something, I think I am QUITE PERFECTLY WITHIN MY RIGHT to tell DH that that "child" isn't welcome in my home. Which I QUITE GRACIOUSLY havent done yet...its been nearly 5 months since I've seen him...hopefully this trend will continue. Stepaside, would YOU in my shoes want a little shit like this in your home? If so I'd like to know the justification. Sure-he may be "family" but he's only DH's biokid by default. He could have easily been the guys biokid the mom named him after and then brought him into the picture after LYING KNOWINGLY 10 years after the fact.
If he wants to come around more often, dont act like a little shit. Dont complain about you being homeless when you wont get off your ass and work. Dont backstab your dad because you made a choice during a home visit that ~SOB!~
YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR!!! poor, poor precious punk!!! ~SOB!~ again. Try calling just to say "Hi" and GOD FORBID once in awhile show concern for someone other than yourself.
If precious punk wants to be treated like family he needs to act like family.
My DH and I share most
My DH and I share most everything and he continues to tell me about his skids and I used to ask how they were. Now that I have disengaged (I figured this was the best thing I could do given our situation and finding this site and everyone's opinions that this will bring me peace of mind) I have one very problematic SS28 who has a wife and 2 kids. He is an alcoholic and he is constantly in crisis and he or his wife try to drag my DH into it. My DH realized recently that he cannot fix his son and has decided to step back from the situation and I must admit it has been nice since he has come to that conclusion and disengaged himself. I no longer ask my DH how the skids are doing etc. If he starts to tell me something about one of the skids I listen politely but make no comment other than that's nice or mm yes (while internally screaming what BS, BS!!). I also used to worry that my DH was buying into SS lies but my DH has told me he realizes that alot of the stuff out of SS is false and that he has to filter everyting SS says. I realized that I have to trust my DH regarding what his SS says and have to trust that he will not do anything stupid. We have already discussed the issue of giving any of the skids money and we BOTH agreed it will not happen ever again!! We've been taken to the cleaners by SS29 so DH will not let anything like that happen again.
I only care that the skids get their lives together so that the gkids have a safe and healthy environment to grow up in. I don't really care whether the skids are happy or not but I do wish they find success as human beings. So no I don't really care to hear about them but realize that for DH he wants and needs to talk about them and share good news with me.
I don't know why you want to
I don't know why you want to know about your SDs activities. I wish my DH would stop talking about my SD. I'm trying to figure out a nice way to tell him I don't give a rat's a$$ what she's doing and to stop mentioning her name to me because I don't want to think about her.