Gosh, this is a slightly unusual problem in that the step child is not an issue but your DH behaves like a sullen teenager whenever she's there!   Perhaps he thinks it will upset her if she sees the two of you cuddling? I can understand him not wanting to "gross his daughter out" but it sounds like it's more than that  - he becomes hostile and distant?  I think you need to have an in depth talk about this, preferably during the week, when his daughter isn't there. Find out what he is afraid of, and hopefully reach a compromise. 

And they usually don't get better. 

I have a feeling that if your DH changed his behavior towards you and acted more loving, your SD would probably start acting up.  She is "amazing" and isn't jealous with you because your DH is CLEARLY showing her that she's the Alpha female when she's around.  

Many men (including my SO) are very deferential towards their "little girls" and it often doesn't change.  I had similar experiences with my SO hanging on every word SD says, groveling despite being mistreated/ignored by her, etc.   I decided to disengage and suggest you do the same. Read up on the disengagement section of this site for how others deal with it. 

My personal advice is NOT to announce it to your DH - start out slowly.   Ex. When SD arrives, spend a bit of time with her saying hello, being pleasant.  Then say you forgot you have some important errands to run.  Tell your DH you are not sure when you will be back, so they should go ahead and enjoy the day.

When you do find that you have to be in the house with both of them, find a way to go to your room and be alone.  Say you have a headache, stomachache, whatever.  Go to your room, close the door and disengage.

I'd have a hard time turning my affection back on when he decided I was worthy again. 
 

I was confused by your paragraph about the talk you had. He is afraid she will get jealous and he thinks it's your problem?

He needs reminding that this isn't about avoiding making a little girl jealous, it's about modelling what a normal adult relationship looks like. Tell him to knock the hot and cold towards you off.

Time for the direct zero question about it approach IMHO.

Sit him down and inform him that the distant sullen affection free crap when SS arrives stops immediately or he and she are gone.  I get an occasional period where a person in an equity life partnership needs some space. But every weekend and only when the Skid is there...... Nah?  Not tolerable IMHO.

Then start calling him on it in front of SD each and every time he does it.  Start sitting next to him, taking his hand any time you are together, suck face with him overtly as you do when SD is not there, etc, etc, etc.... and have THE LOOK ready to flash at him if he so much as flinches.

Some issues require a zero tolerance approach.

Try it.

My DH at the beginning would be like for his adult DD's benefit. He wouldnt even sit next to me when we were at her house. If I quietly said something to DH in her presence, ie: whispered can we leave soon, he would shout out WHAT? Made me feel I did not have any "back up" if needed from the extremely rude princess.

This has stopped after numerous arguments and letting him know that I am your wife ALWAYS. He did this as to not hurt SD's feelings...she was in her late 20's . We rarely socialize with SD anymore THANK DOG!! Not sure if she cant handle it, or its not worth it for DH to deal with her jealousy or my assertion to be treated the same always no matter who we are with. The end result, less SD for me works!!!! Plus I am happily disengaged.

You need to talk to DH and let him know this isnt good for your relationship or for his DD. She needs to become accustomed to you being an affectionate couple.

Thank you for bringing this up.  I have yet to find the answer with my DH.  I just gave up and have moved beyond it.

40 years and it has not changed.  My DH even mixes a strong drink, when SD59 comes to visit.  He is cold, defensive, and actually acts like he is the only person in the room with SD, when she visits.

I have never understood it.  My SD can be a twin to BM in looks.  I think DH looks at SD and many things come to mind.  I also believe he still has feelings of guilt with his past, which was a very dysfunctional marriage and family life, who knows???  We have discussed it; DH swears I am imagining his behavior.   My DH is a narcissist,  so I pick my fights for sure.

I ignore the drama and no longer care about my DH's baggage.  I didn't create his past.

If you figure it out, let me know.  Interesting how some people carry their past with them forever.

witness. We all seem to just dissolve upon their arrival. At first, I wondered if it was really so, but with each visit, there was no mistaking it. DH would cook her favorite foods, and make sure the sheets were fresh, lights were on in the place she would sleep, make sure I'd gotten air freshener SHE likes for her stay, and ON AND ON. 

Like Sammi said,"If you figure it out, let me know." More than a few of us have been scratching our heads, trying to figure out how we can be so important until SD's show up, then we just seem to evaporate. It's the closest thing to the reversal of evolution I think I've ever eperienced.

Great advice on here, agree with Sandye, Rags and the others who suggest a sit-down frank dicussion about how your DH's actions are making you feel 

And yes I think many of us have experienced it and it's so confusing

My situation is similar to sammie's in that my DH did this also, but strangely only with YSD

When DH & I first met and both SD's were visiting EOW, etc.. he was pretty much as loving and effectionate with me when they were around as when they weren't (appropriately of course)

When OSD was moved in with us full-time, DH was still the same with me.

Even despite all OSD's jealousy and temper tantrums, DH didn't put me on the back-burner

But once OSD moved back in with BM and it was only YSD coming over EOW, and at that time hit her mid-teens, everything changed with DH & I every time she was there

From the moment she arrived DH changed how he treated me, everything was about YSD to a rediculous degree. Every conversation with with or about her. Everything we ate, everywhere we went, everything we did catered to her and only her. 

If I was in the middle of saying something and YSD interrupted me, DH would immediately respond to her and cut me off as well

Generally YSD was fine with me - like someone else on here pointed out with you, probably because like you SD, mine also knew she not I was the alpha female when she was there - but on the occasions when she wasn't fine but was a disrespectful brat, DH did nothing much to support me and continued to kiss her butt

I had many a frank discussion with DH after she left and even some arguments where he tried to turn it all around and make it seem it was me that had the problem

Despite lettting DH know that his treatment confused, hurt, angered and humilated me not to mention made me feel an uncomfortable third wheel during her visits he continued to do it, he even seemed to crank it up to the point that I wondered if he enjoyed it to an extent...some DH's like to think their wives/daughters are jealous and competing for their attention I think

What finally started to change his behavior is I started leaving and hanging out with my friends and family on her weekends

I always made sure to spend enough time with her to let her know I was happy to see her, make sure she felt totally welcome, and then after making sure to emphasize how much I hoped she and her Dad had a great visit together, I would go spend the weekend elsewhere - and make sure to have a wonderful time

DH wouldn't hear from me until the Sunday night when I got home or on occasion I would go right from my friend's place to work on the Monday and DH woudn't see me at all until the beginning of the week

And I wasn't fall over backward happy to see him during the week either, not angry or upset, just happily distant and preoccupied when he of course, now that SD wasn't around, was all lovey and affentionate and wanting my attention

Eventually DH (and SD for that matter) were making it clear they wanted me there during those weekends (I think without me there cooking, cleaning, and facilitating everything for them to have a wonderful visit together they were bored on their own and had no one to put on the wonderful super close father/daughter act in front of haha) and DH started making an effort...SD not surprisingly wasn't so fine with me when not all attention wasn't on her every second of her weekend with us after that!

Over the years though DH got better at being able to treat both daughter and wife appropriately, and YSD got better and better and suppossedly just adores me now (that's a different post haha) 

OSD is now married with a family of her own but DH still suffers from major butt-kissing with her on visits and weekly phone calls, but he is way better at being a loving respectful husband to me at the same time which is great and makes it all a whole lot more tolerable 

Take some action with your DH and talk about how this is making you feel, and if that doesn't solve it then maybe give him a little taste of his own medicine - but make sure to do it cheerfully with no drama LOL 

DH did this to me with both SD and SS when we first started dating.

No touching, no kissing, no hand holding, actually pulling away from me when they were around.

I spoke up because I'm like that. He said it was because he coached SS at HS bball and the coach, who is a good friend, implimented a no PDA rule for his players. For HS students it may or may not be a good thing, not something I was willing to get into but I pointed out to DH that neither He or I were in HS. He said he wanted to set a good example for the players.

So I agreed to no PDA at the games but that was it. When he wouldn't hold my hand as we drove somewhere I would point it out. When he wouldn't kiss me when the skids were around, I pointed it out.

At first he was really hesitant but we had a good long talk about it. He eventually said he didn't want the skids going home and telling BM that we were All Over Each Other. When I told him we were just a normal loving couple and that the skids should see a normal relationship for once he finally got it. BM was going to do/think/say whatever she wants. Nothing was/is going to change that. Why should I have to change my behaviour to accomdate her?

I had a similar problem with my dh when we first married. When his kids where around he would show me absolutely no affection but when they were not around he was very affectionate. Once I was standing at the kitchen sink and my dh came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me in bear hug fashion. My ss then came in the room and my dh let go and actually pushed away like some guy caught cheating. Another time my dh purchased me a ring. Although it wasn't terribly expensive it was very nice and I was so happy & felt very loved. I don't remember what the occasion was but what I do remember is later that same day my dh & I were sitting on the couch and my ss was sitting in a chair. We were watching a movie and I at one point briefly was admiring my ring. My ss then asks if I had gotten a new ring but before I could respond my dh quickly answered, "yeah but it's nothing special, just a cheap ring". Suddenly the joy I had when dh surprised me with it was totally gone. That statement really cut deep. Like I wasn't worth anything nice.

When I confronted my dh, he let me know that my ss had told him it made him uncomfortable to see his dad giving me any affection. The fact was my dh was afraid of his children.

My dh has three children. Two daughters and one son. We have not seen or talked with the msd in 12 years, we have not seen or heard from ss in about a year now. He is in and out. The first estrangement was a year and a half, the second was 3 years, and now I have lost track of how many times he has chosen to be out of our lives. When the ss married we were on one of the estrangements and not invited to the wedding. The ss changed his last name to his brides. We do have a relationship with the oldest sd but it has not been an easy one. Bottom line, my dh kids are very arrogant and I think it is his own fault. When kids are made to feel that everything is all about them it creates arrogance and self-centeredness and when you do not satisfy their emotions, their feelings, and their wants, they walk out of your live until you see the error of your ways (sarcasm intended)

Good Luck

My husband turns into a different man around his.....In fact, it is so bad I cannot watch it or be around it; it is that bad. I had no idea I married the man he turns into-- before I married him and he was quite good at hiding it until their claws came out after we bought a home together.  Then, it is like a bipolar personality disorder jumping into his body at the first expression of daddeeee, which need not be an eighteen syllable word. However, it works on his ego psycho...perfectly. 

I have accepted this is my norm and this is the real daddeee too, bipolar and all.  I stay away and it is peaceful; it would be wise to keep me away because I am not going to be a doormat to any sarcastic, rude human beings, regardless of who he is related or not related to.  Life is too short to be miserable and abused.

My husband turns into a different man around his.....In fact, it is so bad I cannot watch it or be around it; it is that bad. I had no idea I married the man he turns into-- before I married him and he was quite good at hiding it until their claws came out after we bought a home together.  Then, it is like a bipolar personality disorder jumping into his body at the first expression of daddeeee, which need not be an eighteen syllable word. However, it works on his ego psycho...perfectly. 

I have accepted this is my norm and this is the real daddeee too, bipolar and all.  I stay away and it is peaceful; it would be wise to keep me away because I am not going to be a doormat to any sarcastic, rude human beings, regardless of whom he is related or not related to.  Life is too short to be miserable and abused.

Uh, sounds like an unnatural relationship with the SD.

thin air.

This is what being under the spell of the "golden puss "pus**y control looks, feels and behaves like.

Divorced daddy guilt makes wimps of these "men." They'll do anything to prove their undying loyalty to thier mini-wives.

Of course when they leave, things are expected to pick right up without missing a beat. You are dubbed "wife" once again. Carry on as such.

There are not part-time marriages. You're either ALL IN, ALL THE TIME, or you're NOT.

Yep, my (soon to be ex) DH would act these ways toward me around SD24 but it was worse, every day, when we got married and she was living with us...but I only stayed in the house he and I bought for only 45 days and left a few days ago. I didn't have other kids (my son is grown and on his own) or a long marriage like a lot of folks here so leaving was the most viable option to protect my sanity. Also I couldn't handle being snapped at by him (like you described), ignored, zero affection in front of her, and watching them in their own liitle world when she would emerge from her room to see daddeeeeee. Privately, I would talk to him about how I felt left out and like a third wheel around them and he became defensive of HER...of course...but it was him that wouldn't set the healthy boundaries (like he promised before we married). I explained that SD will do whatever she is allowed to do and being the queen bee in the house wasn't working for me. So while some folks can live with disengaging other folks have to leave the dysfunctional environment. Seems many DH's are not going to change for anyone (why should they, what they have is working for them), have very few if any boundaries with the SD, overindulge SD from guilt as a form of 'parenting' that ends up being entitelment to the SD and SD knowing DH's spine collapses and knees go weak when the SD is around. 

I hope you find your peace and know that we are here for ya! 

Research has proven that when DHs have inappropriate emotional relationships with SDs, it creates problems when SD is choosing a life partner.  The degree of DH's influence will be passed onto the marriage, or her decision to marry at all.   Instead of searching for a normal relationship, all sorts of unnecessary garbage enters into the scenario, resulting in an unhealthy situation.  As discussed many times, a parent's main goal is to nurture a child into a responsible, mentally healthy adult.  A DH who fails to guide SD in her role from 'his little girl' to transitioning into the potential wife of another man is doing the young woman no favors.  Being 'Daddy's Little Girl' as an adult, she will not have the capacity to properly nuture her own children. 

I saw this in my own Mother.  I'm sure my Grandfather had good intentions but the effects of the relationship they had with each other has touched generations.

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