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How to not escalate

JamieG's picture

It has been awhile since my first and last post on ths site. My youngest stepson graduated from college and did not send me a ticket until my husband insisted. I did get a ticket and actually had a great time but I was extremely upset after all these years being in the family and being "forgotten. My husband felt it was a legitimate case of forgetfulness, but I did not. Earlier in the month my stepson tried to start a conversation how tickets were for "family only." Then I received no ticket. 

I would like to learn how not to escalate these type of issues. I was very hurt and felt it was one more snub in a long list of snubs. I said some unkind things to my husband and had to take a long walk to calm down. I worry that this is the beginning of being left out of important activities like weddings. Any help would be appreciated.  

Just K's picture

First, let's call it what it is- psychological warfare!

What you are experiencing is a special kind of "shunning."

The skids have been studying their Daddy-cakes for a long time!  They also have been studying you since the first day you came into their lives!  As a result, they know how much power they have over you and their Daddy-cakes.  They know that Dady-cakes wears Rose colored glasses and don't want to see reality.  He idolizes them and doesn't want to see any of their faults.  They also know you, as an outsider, desperately want to belong to their messed up clan.  You are insecure about your position in this shit-show of a family.

Now, the skids know that if they don't send you a ticket, Daddy-cakes (in his mind) will see it as an 'accident.'  Why?  Because he doesn't want to see the catty behavior of his offspring towards you SO he will make excuses and hold tightly to his rose-colored glasses.  The skids know this. 

In their black little hearts, they are hoping you will react to the slight.  Besides hurting you, they hope they can cause conflict between you and their Daddy-cakes.  It would be a win for them if they could ruin your marriage to their Daddy-cakes.  They know their Daddy-cakes is desperate and guilty and wants to cater to their wishes, and Daddy-cakes wants them in his life AT ALL COSTS. So if they shun you – Daddy-cakes will see NO EVIL.  You have to accept the truth – that these men are (just) towers of Jello when it comes to Daddy-cakes' failed offspring.

So what do you do?

First, you must overcome your desire to fit into this f-Ed-upped family.  In my opinion, a man who wears rose-colored glasses is narcissistic.  This man has taught his offspring to be selfish.   You never will win with these reality denying people.  You should accept this fact and move on.    When you do, you drop the rope - they will lose power over you.

I have a question for you: do you really want to be around these creatures?  My skids are highly narcissistic, like their parents.  I don't want to be around them, and I don't like them as far as people go.  They have shown me who they are - we are different kinds of people.  So just recently, I dropped the rope. 

Back to you -So, when they overlook you and don't send you a ticket - don't react.  Step aside and let Daddy-cakes handle his offspring.  If it means so much to Daddy-cakes that you go to a skid event - let Daddy-cakes do all the leg work.  If you don't get a ticket and don't go - do something fun and let Daddy-cakes go to his failed offspring's event. 

Bless these creatures with two gifts – Your silence and your absence!

Here's how my skids shun me. I want to share with you what I learned so far.  I pick SD15 up from school.  I have known SD15 for six years.  To be polite, I would ask about her life and day.  When I behaved like this, SD15  would be very cold towards me.  THEN when we came home, she was all smiles and talkative with her Daddy-cakes, especially at the dinner table. 

I realized for six years, I tried to win her and her sister over, and they knew it and treated me like shit.  So, recently, I reflected upon the six years and decided, based on six years of experience, that these skids aren't my kind of people.  They are highly selfish, entitled, and catty, playing psychological games for power and control.  Do I want to be around these kinds of people?  Do I want to be friends with these kinds of people?

So, now-a-days, when I pick SD15 up from school, and she asks about my day, I tell her it was okay and then I set a boundary -"we would talk at the dinner table".  At the dinner table, I don't say much.  I use the occasion at the dinner table to learn and study her.  I know SD15 to be a manipulative person.

Before, I would get my feelings hurt and tell DH, and DH, sporting his rose-colored glasses, would say to me that "I"m too sensitive."  DH is one of the reasons why SD15 is messed up.  The sad truth is these men don't want to see the part they played in their offspring's shitshow. 

Your skids, as well as mine are playing from the f*cked-up skid's handbook - shunning its quite common. 

You need to stop reacting - and stop getting into conversations with your toxic-ass skids!  Next time a skid tells you that - stop the skid and ask the skid "How does that make you feel?" then go get Daddy-cakes involved and tell the skid to repeat what it said.  Walk away and let Daddy-cakes handle it. 



JamieG's picture

I appreciate all of the advice. I have stepped back from most things but I need the reminder every now and then. I need to remind myself that none of this is my fault, that the skids are the product of some strange upbringing. 

Rags's picture

It happens in every relationship to some degree.

Decompress, re-engage.  If you are sincere and DH is of character, it will be fine.

I have had to do just this a number of times in our marriage. As has my bride.

JamieG's picture

Thanks for reminding me that my DH does have a good character. After all, he did make sure I received a ticket, though it was not done how I would do it. 

Harry's picture

That SS forgot to send you a ticket.  DH did the right thing. Stand up for you, his new family.  Just never forget this.  Some day you will shoe SS he not part of your family anymore 

JamieG's picture

Sometimes reality becomes skewed with the goings on of these skids. I do have to remember that DH did the right thing even if he did wear rose colored glasses. 

DPW's picture

If this is a snub, in a list of a number of snubs, then move on. Disengage. Become resilient and ignore it. I would reframe this as well so you can persevere and succeed: This is not a loss. This is learned knowledge and gained skills in resiliency, etc. to live your best life. They do not deserve you, your efforts, nor your energy.

JamieG's picture

I have been working on resiliency. It seems to work until it doesn't. I keep thinking that after 8 years there will be some degree of acceptance, so it has started catching me off guard now that we are farther down the road. 

DPW's picture

People underestimate the importance of resilience. I'm glad you work on it. When you succeed at it, you win your best self. 

Sometimes we need a tune up. That's all. Don't be so hard on yourself.

CLove's picture

SD24 Feral Forger did that to me for her high school graduation. Thank goodness I dont ever have to worry about her graduating college!

She only got "a limited number" because so many graduates. Those tix went to mom, dad, sister, auntie 1&2, favorite cousins 1&2.

Husband told her "get clove a tix or Im not going". She did. I was hoping that I could skate out of it. so I took 1/2 day unpaid off work, spent 3 hours on a hard bench in hot sun without water. She dissappeared after a photo. No appreciation for me being there I was there to support husband.

CLove's picture

I live in a very nice area with lots to do.