How to handle grown sd
I am new here but not a new stepmom. My sd is 39yrs. old. When she divorced her husband#3 she received custody of their daughter. After a few yrs. of dating and leaving her daughter with someone every weekend she decided to move to a different state with her dd.Her ex took her to court and won custody. So here the story lies. She gets to see her in his hometown every other weekend. We live in the same town. For the last ten yrs. she has been using our home to stay while they visit.
She works different days and hours, so sometimes it is on a weekday, this time she will be here Tuesday. My husband and I still work. We are exhausted when we come home from work. For most of these yrs. she has not called us and just shown up. We tell her often to call a few days ahead to let us know when she is coming. Sometimes it works out so they go to her home because of school holidays, etc. I had the problem with her having keys to our home. My husband decided it was time to change the locks when we remodeled our home. We have a camper and she started bringing her dog and leaving it the camper. This is a nice camper not a dog house. We finally lock it up and put the key in the safe.
Why it is a constant fight?? She is grown. I would never treat my parents like this. I would not have left town w/o my child either. My husband and I have been paying for her mistakes for years. Why does she assume she can stay here every other week??
I just found out she will be here again Tuesday. I am working a being treated for a kidney infection.
Your DH needs to speak up an
Your DH needs to speak up an tell her in no uncertain terms that if she doesn't call first, she will not be allowed to stay there. It's a matter of respect and consideration.
My DH tried to pull this BS w/SD (27) who recently moved out. He told her "stop by anytime" and I quickly told her "always call us first."
It's time for you both to have a talk w/SD and let her know her actions will no longer be tolerated. She is a guest in your home, and needs to act like one. She's old enough to know better. If she can't abide by your rules, there are plenty of hotels that will accommodate her quite nicely. Stop putting up w/this foolishness and let her know you mean business. With a little luck maybe she'll find someplace else to stay.
Well you are all exactly
Well you are all exactly right. When he gets stern with her it is still very soft. He tried it last week and I see she posted on fb she will be here Tuesday. I get so sick when i know she is coming and he doesnt want her here either. I find excuses to work late, run errands. It use to be they would all the sitting here waiting on what I was going to feed them! I stopped that but it took years. Yes no one will say it. I wish just once he would say "we are not up for company right now". Or whatever. Her daughter is a Junior I dont think this will be over until she graduates. I expect she will never come back then.
She was 18 when we married. Just thought I would mention.
It's a constant fight,
It's a constant fight, because you ALLOW it to be a constant fight.
Unfortunately, it takes us a while to figure out that we are not MEAN nor BAD nor EVIL when we set clear, firm boundaries!
The other people will complain, whine, try and put guilt trips on us, but that is their childish way of trying to get us to give in. DON'T DO IT - if you give in once, they will whin even louder and longer next time you make boundaries, because they will figure you gave in once, you will do it again - if they bug you enough.
This SD is 39 years old for goodness sake, she needs to GROW UP! She may be a "grown up" physically, but she is a child emotionally.