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How do you deal with DH visiting SD

bedazzled's picture

How do you deal with your feelings when DH visits his daughter. She has targeted me, slandered me, abused me. She is still slandering me. She is trying to break up our marriage. I had it out with her and in her words it is her, her brother and their father. I am on the outside. She also is saying that she needs to protect DH from me. DH heard her say all this. He says he will not let her come between us. He does want to see his grand spawn. 

DH says he visits her to see her spawn. He says he will change subject if she brings me up. I told him it is not OK for her to know anything about our life. That I don't want her knowing anything about where we go, what we do etc. She has no right. I am not the only one she does this to. She trashes her husbands family to DH. He says he does not make any comments but just lets her vent. 

How do you deal with this knowing that she is still trying to break up your marriage and keep you on the outside. How do you deal with this level of Evil and still be alright with DH seeing her?

I want to be 100% disengaged from her but, I also want her not knowing anything about me or our marriage. 

Phoenix2019's picture

I’ve been in the exact same situation. In my case it never got better. He would go off to see his brats and return as a different version of himself, after being inundated with negative talk about me and our relationship - from three adult daughters that didn’t even know me, mind you. After five years of this and much more, I walked away.

You are right to tell your DH that you and your relationship are NOT to be discussed with his spawn.  He must respect that. Your relationship is off limits. If his brat brings it up he should say ‘I’m not discussing that’ and change the subject.

While he’s gone make good use of your time. Get some things crossed off your to-do list, or simply treat yourself to something that you enjoy doing. Try not to think of him and his brat. 

If you sense that he is being swayed by her manipulation, it may be time to do some soul searching about this relationship. But for now, set the expectation that you and your relationship are not fodder for his spawn. 

sandye21's picture

I've had this experience, Moose, and the emotions that come out are troubling.  DH has the right to visit the skids but can you trust him to have your back to them?  Or is he just going to let them bad-mouth you?  Or is he going to join in the BBQ?  And the problem is we don't know our DH well enough to know the answer.  Our DH's have not always supported us as a Husband should so it is hard to trust.  We fear that our DH will be convinced by the Skids to leave us.

The first time I disengaged from SD, DH visited her and some weird stuff occurred when he returned home.  I got a call from someone in SD's town inquiring about a job application DH had placed there.  There were other strange things that led me to believe he was contemplating leaving me.  But his comforts won out and he stayed.  Also, at that point in time, he continually threatened to leave when we had a disagreement.  The second time I disengaged from SD he decided to work on the marriage, resulting in alienation from SD. 

It has been 8 years since he's seen SD.  He is free to visit her just about whenever he wishes but has not bothered.  If he DID visit SD I would wish him a good visit knowing that there is a possibility he may decide not to return - but now I am ready for it.  Since the second and final disengagement I have grown inside enough that I refuse to be held hostage by any threat of DH leaving.  And I could care less about what they discuss between themselves.  I have 'trust' in myself.  The world will still spin and I will survive.

bedazzled's picture

Thank you sandy. You really do understand. DH still has this dream that we can all be together as 1 big happy family. With the things that his daughter said to me. That ship has sailed. The couselor has said that me chosing to forgive her is for me. It is not for her. It just means that I can move on and not let her get to me anymore. It does not mean that I will then chose to be around her. She is not capable of true remorseor anything close.  Hopefully the marriage  couselor will help DH to accept that.  If anyone else in this world treated me like SD has I would not want a relationship with them either. I need to know that DH will respect my bounderies and not share verbally our life with his spawn. That is just the way it has to be. If he does really want a good, happy marriage, then under the circumstances these will have to be the bounderies that we both live by. Our marriage and I cannot heal from the abuse as long as he still is pushing for his agenda of us all being 1 big happy family. I lived for 15 years with the abuse. It did not change. It just got worse. The bounderies must be set and kept in place. He needs to let that dream go and allow us to move on with our marriage and SD to move on with her life and husband. Her focus should be on her marriage. 

We can have a happy marriage. We do all the time when SD and SS are not involved. According to the couselor both of them more than likely suffer from narcisstic personality disorder. It is a result of the way they were raised. He said they were told their whole life that they are better than, more special that everyone else and they bought it. It was a result of 2 people in a marriage that used their children for fill in emotional spouses. DH can see and agrees that they are NPD. But he thinks in his mind they can change. That is his hope he hangs on to. He had great hope that when SD became a mother that she would change. 

SD is classic narcisstic in that she always has a target. It could be DH, Me, brother or her husbands family. She always has a target.  She always has to make others look bad to make herself look good. She will always get her supply met by her targets. She will always throw who ever she needs to under the bus to make herself look good. SS is just a plain out front abusive narcissist. He is mean and scary.His xgirlfriend(who my son played sports with a family member of hers) has come out now with the sadistic emotional and physical abuse he did to her.  Scary. He also slandered her so badly really cruel.  She has a tough road to go down now to recover. I feel really bad for her. She was a nice girl. I hope she will be OK. She moved back home out of state to where her family is.  SD is master minipulator and game player. 

It took 15 years of abuse to get me where I am now. It will take time to heal and be able to deal with it. It will take time to beable not to be upset when DH is around these abusers. 

 

 

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Your comments about SD brings back horrid flash-backs of my own exSD. They sound like the same person. I was disengaged from exSD and wanted nothing to do with her at all. I was ok with my exH seeing her outside of our home - as long as anything related to me was not discussed.

In the end, my thenH's need to coddle and support his daughters continued destructive behaviour led to our divorce. And yes, a grandchild was involved... When he kept choosing his manipulative disgusting daughter over common sense, I called it quits. Being disengaged didn't mean the issues with SD wasn't dragged into our home... There was only so much I could with the never ending bloody drama relating to SD. I am glad to be rid of her - and my weak willed, no spine ex. who decided to parent an adult SD who was and continues to be beyond any help he can offer.

SacrificialLamb's picture

When I first disengaged, I had the feelings you describe when DH went to visit SD and her children.  There was no one else who had been cruel to me he would ever want to spend time with. But his daughter? Sure.  It's an unnatural situation and hard to reconcile.

But I realized after time I had a choice. I know a father will still want to see his family. I could go along and be putting up with her entitlement, blank stares, victim attitude, chronic complaining, buttering up her dad, like your SD trashing her own DH's family.....or I could stay home doing what I wanted. It took awhile but I got there.  I spoke to a therapist about this also.....and this is where the serenity prayer applies....I needed to accept something I could not change. It would not be fair to expect him to cut off a relationship with his family. SD was expecting him to make a choice and get rid of me, but I was not going to be that person also.  I focused on my marriage only. 

DH visits other family without me, goes on trips with his male friends to races and golf outings. Over time these visits all blended together and the visit to the Holy Land is not as offensive to me as before. 

There are posters on this site whose spouses expect him or her to worship at the Skid Altar along with them. The first thing you should do is be thankful your DH is not forcing you to visit also. 

And who cares if your DH talks about you? At one time I told my DH the same thing. He said he was proud of me and was not going to act like I was not part of his life.  And yes, SD kept bringing me up, complaining. He ignored it and she brought it up more. That made her look bad, not me. 

Let her keep trying to break up your marriage.  Do you feel she will succeed? At one point I felt mine could. But over time, I became more comfortable that DH was not giving up his happy life to cater to a middle-aged spoiled brat.  When I realized she had no power over my marriage, her attempts became even humorous.

Over time DH has started to visit less. The gkids are getting older and SD has made her father uncomfortable showing that she does not care about his happiness, only her own narcissistic wants.

It's worthwhile speaking to a counselor about this and how to navigate moving forward.

bedazzled's picture

You are right it is an unnatural situation. It is very hard to reconcile. It will take time. I guess that I still to have feelings that she will break up my marriage. With her last attempts over Christmas she was able to make DH question me. After that with him actually hearing what she said to me I feel he has a better understanding of what her abuse of me actually looks like. 

Like any one who has been abused for a long period of time, trust will be slow to come back. DH 's goal is still to be able to have us both in the same place. I never see that happening. I do not want any relationship with her. I have never been allowed to make choices all these years if I was included or not. Skids had all the power. They got to make the decissions for me. It did not matter if I wanted to be included. I had to have their permission. If they said no, I was not allowed. Even if it got to the point that I could be around them, it woiuld still be the same. They would be allowed the choice if I was allowed or not. So, I will never go back to that. I chose for me to never be around them again. I also chose that they will never be invited anywhere that I am at. I am taking back that power from them. They do not have my permission to make the choices for me. 

I know that this hurts DH but he enabled them to have the power over me. He gave them that power. He wanted to let them chose if I was welcome. He wanted them invited to everything that we did. He wanted them to have the power both ways. 

No contact disengagement is the only way this can work. I will not give anyone that power over me again. The fact that DH's kids and gkid are not allowed in our home or invited to anything we do is a direct result of DH's enabling.

The thing I will never understand is how these people just standby and watch their children abuse people. I would be so embaressed if my children treated anyone that way let alone my spouse. Do they really even care about their children? Would you feel OK knowing that your children are abusive to people, including you and you never did anything about it? 

DH can't hardly stand to be around his own son for more than a couple of hours. He is so verbally abusive. He says he should never marry or even date. He has been this way his whole life. Why would the parents have never gotten him any kind of help?

I just don't understand that kind of thinking. I know everyone is different but abuse is never OK. 

Its going to take me awhile to get where I am comfortable with disengageing and everything that goes along with it. But, like I said it was a long road getting to this point. It won't happen over night. 

CANYOUHELP's picture

Moose, you and I can never be around these people unless our DH's decide to parent.  Obviously, our husbands cannot parent at all or these selfish people would love him enough to act reasonably civil to us, if nothing else...for dadeeee's sake.

What a shame that they hate us more than they love him. And, even more a shame that men like this are emotional blind; remaining (taking us with them), in the horrible cycle of family dysfunction.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Moose, you and I can never be around these people unless our DH's decide to parent.  Obviously, our husbands cannot parent at all or these selfish people would love him enough to act reasonably civil to us, if nothing else...for dadeeee's sake.

What a shame that they hate us more than they love him. And, even more a shame that men like this are emotionally blind; remaining (taking us with them), in the horrible cycle of family dysfunction.

bedazzled's picture

Exactly!!! My DH will never parent. He and BM built this dysfunction for years. They created monsters. He hopes it will change but will not do anything to change it. I refuse to every be around her again. 

sandye21's picture

"I am taking back that power from them. They do not have my permission to make the choices for me."  You're on the right track - and going' fast.  In just a short time the has been a good change - you are starting to think of yourself for once.  The process is going a lot faster for you than it was for me.  Just keep a clear eye on the road and you will be fine.  (((HUGS)))

bedazzled's picture

Thank you! I have good days and bad days. The bad are coming fewer now. It took along time to get her. I take some steps backwards still. Part of what is helping is that I am no longer willing to hide the fact I have been abused. I call it what it is now. Abuse. If that makes people uncomfortable that is their problem. I will not cover for an abuser. 

notasm3's picture

Aholes be aholes.  I refuse to acknowledge any of them. I don’t care what they think or what they think they know.  True disgagement means that “they” do not exist on any level. 

disrestep's picture

Moose, I feel bad for you for what you are going through. You seem like a very strong person, who has handled a lot and gotten through it all. So, you will get through this.

I know that feeling - when someone who says they love and care about you but want to spend time with people who hate you, break up your relationship and are hateful to you. How can this person, who says he respects me, let what his hateful brood does or says affect our relationship? 

I believe your DH should be protecting you from the terrible SD. She is a complete wacko who I'd never, ever trust. This whole business of they need to see the gskids is BS. Call me a hopeless romantic, but a honorable, decent, good man and husband does not wish to spend time with ANYONE who does not respect his marriage, himself, his wife and his life. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd tell my husband this is how I feel and explain to him how this is affecting us.

How to deal with your DH spending time with someone who is trying to break up your marriage? I would not be ok with this. I would weigh, well if spending time with this evil SD is letting DH see the light on what a horrible person she really is, well that's time well spent. On the other hand, if you find that him spending time with evil SD and gskid is affecting your health and marriage and he believes any of the BS she spits out, well I'd never be okay with that and would ask DH if he is going to uphold his marriage vows or not. 

I don't care if he has 30 gskids there. If he wishes to spend time with hateful people and mini's who are going to be taught to hate me just as much, then he can go live with them.

stand your ground and keep up the good work. It can only get better.

 

 

Healyourslf's picture

"a honorable, decent, good man and husband does not wish to spend time with ANYONE who does not respect his marriage, himself, his wife and his life."

Hands down on this...grandkids or no grandkids. I feel for you.  This farce is obviously stirring emotional distress beyond just a little anxiety.  DH needs to know that and have YOUR back. 

Emotional enmeshment has to be one of the most dysfunctional tethers between fathers and daughters that I have encountered in my life AND it runs amuck.  It sounds like the depth of enmeshment between DH and SD is an uphill battle for you. I experienced much turmoil and duress with SD24, but I was able to get through to DH on the issue. For 4 years, I was on emotional frappe because of the "daddy only dates and visits." DH just plunked along because he was truely clueless of how much he was enabling the poison drip.

First, DH had to identify his role in the enmeshment before he was able to change it.  I told him, "I feel like I am dealing with your mistress and you gave her permission to flaunt your affair in front of me." There were a lot of heated exchanges..."I consider SD as a toxic disease. She's the underlying malignancy that is causing me chronic pain and destabalizing my health. She's cancer to me and I'm not feeding her."  DH was very uncomfortable with the idea of enmeshment and his role in it.  Change took several months to sink in - cognitive dissonance.  The factors that made all the difference and why we are still together is that DH "believed" me and he chose to prioritize OUR relationship.

This may take time OR not. Don't ever accept being the third wheel.  If DH has any backbone and truly cares about you, he will put YOUR relationship first and put a stop to SD's manipulations. He'll need to accept the Narc retaliation which will be most likely alienation and witholding of the grandkids.  If he can't or won't do this then you are headed for more turmoil and trauma. Please put YOURSELF and your well-being first. 

bedazzled's picture

I did not make DH's spawn an abuser. She was already one before I came along. I was just and easy target. I am not anymore. I am a survivor of abuse. I am proud that I have been able to pull myself up and be a survivor. I will not hide the fact that I have been abused. Anyone that can't try to  understand what it is like to be an abuse survivor does not have a space in mylife.  I will never let anyone including a couselor talk me into thinking that I need to take abuse again. 

I could not have gotten here without all your help. Thank you so much. I would not have survived without your help.

StepUltimate's picture

Reading your posts I am so proud of you. Very sorry for all the abuse you've been subject to by these vile narcissists. So glad you're on this site, reading that book, going to counseling, and DETERMINED you are done accepting any abuse. Your clarity, detetmination, and strength inspire me. 

Praying for your continued healing & that you have a blessed day.

bedazzled's picture

Thank you! It had been a long hard journey. The support here has made all the difference. With the support here I was finally able to stand up to my abuser. I was also able to say to DH that it is abuse.  

Standing up to my abuser was something I needed to do myself. It took everything I had to finally confront her. As a typical abuser she has now tried to turn it around on me. The old me would have let her. I am not the old me anymore. Having the support of StepTalk is really what saved me. Being able to talk to others who have been through the same exact feeling, emotions, and abuse. It is even more valuable than counseling in many ways because they have not lived this life. As  sandy said it is not so much SD behavior now. I can see her for who she is. I can see her personality defect in all parts of her life. She is not someone I will ever allow in my life. She will move on to her next target. It is DH’s handling of her behavior. I know that DH deferred it to me because he cannot handle the truth of who his children are. He is not strong enough. To get through each day he fools himself into thinking his children are who he wishes they are. I can see that in him, in how he wants his extended family to also think of his children. 

I am now strong enough to never get sucked back into that dark hole. I know it is not me. Like most on here at some point we even questioned if we are the narcissist. As the counselor has said a narcissist would never look at themselves and wonder that. We are able to look at ourselves. They are not. We have questioned ourselves, they never will question themselves.  

It is not so surprising after all that so many of us end up in this position. Bad marriages are a breeding ground for narcissistic off spring. The parents end up using their off spring for their own emotional support that they are not receiving in the marriage. Many times this takes place because the parents first priority is the children not the marriage.  They create the perfect environment for emeshment, emotional incest, mini wife syndrome. 

We have no idea that this kind of dysfunction even exists until we have already fallen in love with our partners. We had no clue. No we have all become experts at something we never wanted to even know about. Something only others who have lived this life can understand.

bedazzled's picture

I hope and pray now that my journey in to helps others going through this to become strong enough to stand up for themselves. Have a wonderful day.

still learning's picture

I used to fee the exact same way whenever DH would visit with ss33.  I would get angry that ss had been really nasty to me and DH didn't say a thing but was buying him lunch and carrying on like nothing happened.  I have this pipe dream that my husband would be my protector and anyone who screamed at or threatened me would be put in their place.  When it comes to skids, no matter how old they are this really is a dream. DH's first allegiance is to protect poor widdle ss33 everyone else be damned.  Everytime they would visit DH would bring home a long list of how ss was unhappy because of me, something I had done, said, blinked, breathed.  It got ridiculous and we had a blowout that left our marriage hanging by a thread. I had to set the rule that I did not want to hear about anything ss said about me and he was not to speak about me or our marriage, or any of our business.  He complied with a few snags but since then there have been no issues.  We recently made some joint real estate investments and I asked DH what he told his family about them. His answer, "It's none of their business I haven't told them anything.  Remember you told me not to."  

Now when DH visits ss's I completely disengage.  I used to think we were all *family* but now I know different. skids are his family and I really don't need to be involved at all physically or mentally.  

bedazzled's picture

I am still struggling with the anger. I used to be hurt, now it is anger. I am at work and DH is at home. He is semi retired. He told me he was going out to lunch with his brother, sister and brother in law. I want to go but could not. They all drove across town to meet SS I found out now.  I feel betrayed. 

I have been very close to DH's brother, sister and brother in law. I am really struggling with SD and SS being treated like you say they have never done anything wrong. I really don't understand how people can treat someone they know has abused a person they supposedly care about horribly and be ok with it.  Maybe I need to distance myself from DH's siblings and not think that they would ever have my back either. 

I was raised to believe and still believe that people are accountable for their actions and their are consequences to your actions. If someone treats people I love horribly I want nothing to do with them. I don't care if they are family. 

Why are stepparents expected to be ok with being abused and not expect anyone to have their back?  I don't know if I will ever get comfortable with people that I have a relationship with treating my abusers like nothing happened. 

I think that I need to step back from DH's family. They are his family not mine. I have to be honest with my feelings. I have very stong feelings when it comes to betrayal.  I need to keep my relationships except DH with people who do not think treating my abusers like nothing happened.  I need to step away from that for myself. 

Has anyone else had to do this? Step away from extended family because of feelings of betrayal? Did you tell DH that you were doing this or did you just remove yourself. It will be very hard for me with DH's brother because he has early alzheimers and I have become with DH his primary caregiver. I have to take care of me. I, as so many of us here have a hypersensitive need to be around people who have our backs. I am betting that this is very common with abuse victims. 

I do understand that they have a right to see DH's son. But, I also have a right to feel betrayed when nobody will say a word to SS about his actions and make him accountable, and act like nothing happened. I need to not be so close to people that think that is OK.

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

I understand how you feel; I have been there. The anger takes awhile to diminish so don't expect it to.  I hope you are getting counseling to deal with these complex emotions.

I would not look at it as your skids being treated like they are doing nothing wrong.  I know it's normal to feel like they are getting a get out of jail free card. But reality is that even when your family is not perfect; you still want to see your family. 

My DH will acknowledge that my OSD has behaved improperly. In the beginning I resented the fact that it did not seem that she was directly held accountable. I expected my DH to defend me.  As time went on, I realized that despite how his DD behaves he still loves her, wants to see her and her children. My bios are not perfect and I love them still.

I think you are feeling like you want your DH to set his DD straight.  But your DH knows he will lose his DD if he does that.   While that might give you some short term satisfaction, is that really want you want?  I am to the point I will not hesitate to defend myself if necessary.

Maybe you feel betrayed that your DH and extended family went to visit SS and didn't tell you ahead of time.  Was he required to? Or maybe he thought a fight would erupt if he did?  Remember these guys care about their comfort first.

At one time I thought I was closer to my DH's family. Over time I learned his family all stab each other in the back. While my SIL may make comments about my SD's behavior, reality is they are family and she supports them.  So I am friendly and don't divulge much info when I see her or anyone else.

 

sandye21's picture

Moose, I fully agree that those of us who have been abused have a hypersensitive need to be around people who have our backs.  And I think it affects us more than other people.  The betrayal hits deeper.  I like the way you identify a person who has purposely aimed to hurt you as 'the abuser'.  I'm wondering though if a man who repeatedly throws his wife under the bus is an abuser too.  When a DH fails to show support for us, many of us flash back to a day we felt violated, totally vulnerable and helpless.

Just recently my DH - again - threw me under the bus.  I am not angry - I am PIZZED!!!!  This time it wasn't SD but a man who accused me of something I didn't do and was verbally abusive to me.  I was floored when I looked over and there was DH and the 'abuser' having a conversation like they were long-lost buddies.  Then DH refused to sit next to me to show he supported me as his wife.  Like your DH he has all sorts of excuses, like he has when he has thrown me under the bus before.  In the past, a few months would go by and all is forgotten until it happens again.  This time I am going to make sure to keep some kind of reminder that I see every day in front of my face.  There will be a time when DH needs my support and I will make sure I have all sorts of good 'excuses'.

This time I am out for blood!  Don't know about your DH but mine is very focused on his image as a nice guy.   We have have a mutual friend who asked that keep her posted about the 'abuser'.  I will give her a 'full' report.  God hath no rath like a SM scorned!

bedazzled's picture

Sandy we are sisters. My DH totally focus on making sure everyone thinks he is the nice guy. He would do the same thing your husband did. When nobody is looking back me. But in public whole different ball game. 

I would feel the same way you do. Very angry.  Am so sorry that you are going thru this. It really does suck. Mine would have every excuse also. I understand complete your feelings that someday your husband will need your support and you will have every excuse. It is our way of protecting ourselves since we cannot rely on our spouse to do it. 

it really does make you have flashbacks to feeling of  vulnerability and betrayal. I think it is like a abused animal. If someone raises there hand around them, they will duck even if the person is not going to hit them. It is a reflex in us now to react to being betrayed and  being thrown under the bus. We have an even stronger need to be protected.

The counselor that I was talking to on my own. Pointed out the fact that especially since DH is older than me, more than likely he will need  to depend on someone. Does he really think his princess mini wife or prince son will step up and do it?  They would dump him in a home in a second. 

These men had spouses that only wanted to stand by them and for them to stand by us. That is what marriage is suppose to be. Is that really too much to ask? If they end up with no one to lean on it is their own fault. They had someone there and pushed them away and threw them under the bus. I

think like Rags says the have no balls. You know what is funny Sandy it turns out that the ones that these people tried to make everyone think were the weak ones, turned out to actually be the strong ones. We are the strong ones Sandy.  Hang in there. You have my support.

 

sammigirl's picture

My DH has followed this entire discussion to the tee. 

My DH is now totally disabled and has to depend on me.  I will be civil, respectfully, and kind.  But I will never forget or forgive the hell SD and DH put me thru.  

Everything talked about here I have experienced with these two narcissist.   I have nothing more to add, other than, I feel your pain here on these posts.

Bless you all.  Stay here so you realize you are never without friends.

 

bedazzled's picture

Thank you. All the support here has made all the difference. I was really in a way. I was really at bottom. I will never understand how someone can watch their spouse circle the drain, knowing their children were the bullies and just watch it. 

I don’t know that I will ever really be able to trust again. I am similar to you Sammi. I don’t want to start over I am close to retiring and worked very hard to get where I am. 

The bad part for me is that I still long for a relationship That is transparent, trusting, compasionate.  I have to learn to let go of those things.

sammigirl's picture

I just want a long relationship with no baggage.  I want to be able to have someone put their arms around me and say nothing, just sit and enjoy the peace.  I have a lonely marriage, but am not giving up what I have worked for near 40 years.  I love my DH, but hate what he did to me and our marriage.

There will never be trust, and it will never come close to what I thought we had.  You see, I know now we never had the love and marriage that I thought was in place.  It wasn't even close.  My DH is sorry now, but only because he knows I don't care any more.  

With that said, again I am civil, caring, and respectful.  That doesn't mean we don't have our bad days, like most marriages do.  I keep in mind, the days are what I choose to make them.   

(((hugs)))

still learning's picture

In answer to your question I just removed myself, no discussions with DH or getting his permission. I also realized that DH's oldest sister likes to play both sides but will always favor the genetic link in the family. I get it, that's fine so I had to distance myself from her too.  We are friendly but it is very superficial, I share nothing personal with her.  

I understand your anger, I was angry for years about the drama between DH, ss, and then me. I was shocked that DH just stood by and let his son lay into me.  Since I couldn't change the jerk/enabler dynamic between those two I just took my self out of the equation.  DH, sis in law and his ss can have each other. Yes, take ss out to lunch and let him complain about the latest job he got fired from. Sounds like a blast! 

The most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. I know it sounds cliche but once you start caring more about your well being, health and relationships their silly little drama will fade into the background.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I also found it necessary to disengage from DH's sisters.

They claimed to love me and be my sisters, but blood is thicker than water and Meddling SIL was angry when I disengaged from OSD, with whom she is close in age and shares a weird, pseudo sister-mother relationship. Still, I encouraged DH to visit his sisters and found reasons to be busy elsewhere so they could have him all to themselves. He would leave a happy husband come home angry with me, their words coming out of his mouth.

When DH also disengaged from OSD, Meddling escalated. I imagine she was confident in her ability to manipulate DH; the problem was she didn't actually know her brother well and failed to recognize that I was the one doing all the work to keep him involved with his family at all. She overplayed her hand by attempting to undermine our marriage, and underestimated her brother's love for me.

The idea that someone who claimed to love DH and me was more loyal to his abusive adult daughter and would be happy to see us divorce really shook me. It also slapped some harsh reality into me. DH's sisters are now enjoying a fully authentic relationship with their perpetually detached, conflict-avoidant brother, which is probably a text to two per year. 

I set DH free to manage his own relationships (actually he suggested it, which was golden!) and have zero involvement with his dysfunctional family. No more pretending, pretense, or begging for crumbs. We haven't laid eyes on any of them for years, all because Meddling never heard of Karpman's Drama  Triangle. DH is my Rescuer, and our marriage is more solid than ever.

disrestep's picture

Ugh, that sounds like something DH's in laws or a couple of relatives would do. In fact, busy body SIL has tried numerous times to set up rendezvous with them, skids and gskids and DH. She always starts by inviting DH only knowing full well that adult skid(s) and gskids will be there. She never tells DH skids or gskids will be there, as she knows he won't go. So, DH falls in the trap and SURPRISE! Look who is here, your gskids and skids. Ugh, what is wrong with these people? We know now what she is already trying to do, so DH never falls for it anymore. She has also tried this with me and DH a couple of times. 

Things like these relatives call DH whenever a skid event happens. DH says, "WTF, I don't call these people when their kids have an event?" Many of these people are retired and have nothing better to do. 

I know how you feel.

 

bedazzled's picture

You are correct anger does take awhile to diminish. You are correct also, that I expected my DH to defend me. I do want my DH to set his DD straight. She would play her game and not let DH see his grandkid. You are correct. Just like any other grieving process you have to go through the stages to come out on the other side. I was in the hurt stage for along time. I am in the anger stage. I know my feelings of betrayal stem from lack of abusers ever having any accountability for their actions. 

I will never understand the concept that abuse is OK. I am a firm believer and will alway be that actions have consequences. People need take responsibillity for their actions. 

I guess that DH, his family and I have different morals and values. I am beginning to see that his family lives in a paper house.It is all an illusion. Being seen as perfect is very very  important to them. They cannot deal with not perfect in their family. So they creat this illusion. I can see that in the way that the siblings react and treat the brother with alzheimers. He is not carring on their illusion of perfect. I can see it in the way that SD cannot deal and won't be around her SIL who had a baby with issues. Everything has to look perfect.  It looks like the Stepford family. It is so strange. They really are not comfortable around each other. They all have to keep up this appearance of perfect. They will trash each other behind their backs but, never never to their face. Really Really weird. All their relationships are so superficial. I think that the dysfunction goes back to DH's father. I think he was a narcisstic abuser who demanded and expected perfection.  Almost every male in the family has been diagnosed as OCD. 4 generations now. 

I grew up in a flawed but real family. We are OK with being flawed. We are not perfect and will never be.  We can tell each other how we feel. 

Thank GOD that my children don't have DH's families DNA. Ill take flawed and real any day over fake.  LOL

 

T

disrestep's picture

Moose, you hit nail on the head. DH, his late wife, and the skids, and the in laws lived in a Stepford family. It was bizarre. Everything on the outside had to appear perfect, yet, it was far from perfect. They had to live in a perfect house, perfect community, wear perfect clothes, etc., yet the skids were out of control, wife was not right and in laws had issues.

I don't understand how people cannot address major issues that affect them and ignore them like they never happened. It's so odd.

Even now, adult skids live in their sick, dysfunctional, perfect world. The facade they put on is that their relationship with DH is perfect, he is perfect, they are perfect, their kids are perfect, the spouses are perfect and I am the bad, bad person. They won't tell a soul that DH doesn't want to partake in their hatefulness anymore. It's all my fault according to them.

If they held DH accountable, it would make their Stepford family look bad. 

So weird, isn't it?

CANYOUHELP's picture

I am just happy I am not there any longer; I stressed any event weeks beforehand and told myself it would be better than I thought.  Only to learn it actually was worse than I thought and should have stressed more.  My DH will say nothing to protect me or himself in front of his brats who I assume were never taught any social graces---though they think they are the best of the best.

DH is a weak man and I have accepted it. He wants to also look like the nice guy at any cost to anybody else. He has paid a huge price even before I came along, but he apparently never learns. I am not willing to waste my time in my life with people like this.  He is not willing to protect me/us.  They are dead to me and SIL can be counted as just one more too  by supporting the nastness and never saying a word either. She is a nothing person in the same dyfunctional cycle.  I iost nothing there but a lot of work, money and emotion.

Done now....

bedazzled's picture

I still am having a hard time with SD portraying me as someone she needs to protect her Daddy from. Up until a few weeks ago I have never even said a cross word to either of his crotch drippings. I tried really hard to please them for many years. 

I am really going through emotional anger right now. Anger that I was and am abused when I did nothing to deserve it. Anger that DH stood by and watched and anger that the abusers have never and will never suffer any consequences from their actions. 

I asked DH today why he just stood there and watched me get abused. He does not have an answer just excuses. 

sandye21's picture

Moose, I truly understand your anger because we are presently in the same emotional place.  Anger is only a symptom of pain.  If we can get over this pain, the anger will not be there.  Like you, I have been with DH for some time.  We both help each other out around the house and in our contribution to finances.  So divorce is probably not in the picture unless someone VERY special comes along.  

What we need to do is move forward with a positive plan that benefits only us.  The best spite I can have is to work on my appearance, get into shape, visit a therapist to get stronger and happier.  I will never ask my DH again why he stands there and does nothing.  I will not give him the opportunity to give me excuses.  From now on, if the subject ever comes up I will say, "You FAILED to support me" because these wimps need to know it is a flaw in THEM, not us.

By the time I get done with working on myself, everyone will know I that I don't need him to defend me.  I may even take a self-defense class, tell everyone I want to feel safe, and I have to be the 'strong' one.  No other explanations.

Moose, You are being a good wife, he is failing you.  You do not owe it to your DH to put up with the skids and his failure to support you.  Rise above this.  It is below you to ask why he stood there and did nothing, and it is worse to allow him to waste your time with excuses.  He needs to know that he has to strive to be as much of a Husband as he is to being a good Father - and that you will accept nothing less.  Keep going to your therapist and get strong.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

When I was a doormat, I blamed myself; when I was moving through the healing process, much like with grief, anger was one of the phases. I was angry with the skids, the in-laws, myself, and most of all my DH. Ooh, I was very angry with him, and our marriage was icy for some time. But eventually the anger made room for acceptance: acceptance of who DH is, and his deficits; myself and my own shortcomings; and the multigenerational dysfunction that has affected him and his relatives.

Anger is part of the ride.