OT – Conflicted Feelings
BD16 is wanting to get in contact with Spawn. She was telling me she found her TikTok and was thinking about reaching out to her but she was afraid Spawn hates her. I asked BD why she thinks Spawn hates her, and she said “Because she just left and never spoke to me again.” I told BD that was a choice that Spawn made, it did not mean she hated her. Then BD said she gets “Two different stories about Spawn.” I asked her what she meant by that. She said “Well dad says he hates her.” (Not sure how that’s two different stories), but I told her DH loves Spawn he just doesn’t like the things she has done to us. I told BD that if she chooses to reach out to Spawn she needs to let me know and also let Spawn know that DH and I are fully aware they are communicating.
Now to the conflicted feelings part! There is a very large part of me that wants to tell BD no she cannot communicate with Spawn until she is 18 and an adult, but I know that’s completely unrealistic and I would rather BD continue to feel comfortable sharing with me rather than alienate her by doing that.
I literally had nightmares all night and have felt sick to my stomach ever since we discussed it. I really had no issues with DH re-engaging with Spawn a few years ago, but this is my daughter and I don’t really want her exposed to Spawn and her toxic, lying, manipulating ways. That’s the emotional side of me, the rational side of me is like well if she does engage with her maybe it will be okay, maybe Spawn has matured, and maybe BD will be able to figure out who Spawn really is for herself.
So any insight? I know many of you know the history with Spawn and why I am so hesitant and not happy about embracing this.
- advice.only2's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I have a 1/2 sister that is 7
I have a 1/2 sister that is 7 years older than me. We share a dad. She was raised by our Bio dad when he wasn't in prison and her schizophrenic mother. She is ALL KINDS of still a F'ed up human.
My step dad adopted me when I was 8. I have not seen my bio dad in person since I was 3. I was kept from all of the bad things and raised by 2 wonderful and loving parents. They let me see my 1/2 sister from time to time when I was younger but due to her choices they had to end that. They told my sister that she was not to contact me until I was 18.
I did get in contact with her after I graduated and we would have an on/off relationship sometimes going years between talking because she would get mad about something dumb. Like I forgot her birthday one year and didn't send any flowers but she has never acknowledged mine- types of things.
I ended our relationship for good 3 years ago and will never have one with her again. She got in a physical fight with her daughter (23 at the time), missed and punched her grandbaby (1 at the time) in the face. I called CPS over it and have ZERO regrets.
I guess the moral to all of my rambling is that, even though my parents tried to protect me from the chaos of that part of my family, I had to experience it for myself. Am I glad I was an adult when it all happened, yes. Would it have changed anything or me in anyway if I had access to my sister as a teen... maybe.
I remember you sharing that
I remember you sharing that story! Yes I am worried about the influence she migth have with a 16 year old vs an 18 year old. BD is still relatively young in her thinking and I can see Spawn manipulating that for a new sympathetic ear. I'm not saying BD could not still be manipulatd at 18, but at least now at 16 I feel like I could at least intervene if needed.
I would try to explore more
I would try to explore more on the WHY she wants to reach out to her.. does she think she can "fix" the family dynamic? Were they close prior to the divide? and if that was the case.. has she made any real efforts to think about the fact that if SPAWN thought so much of their relationship.. that with social media and cell phones texts etc.. she could have made an effort herself to be in touch if that was something important to spawn? Does she feel sorry for spawn? does she think she can fix her? help her?
Also.. perhaps explaining that you and Spawn's father don't approve of the way spawn is living her life and you don't see her as someone you would really want your daughter to associate with while she is living a dysfunctional life?
Also, that it may be hurtful to DH and yourself for her to cozy up with someone that has caused a lot of hurt and disruption in the household... and it would be one thing if spawn was turning over a new leaf.. but she seems to not have any indication that spawn is living a better life for herself.
I mean.. if spawn was not related to your DH.. and your daughter said she wanted to be friends with someone like her.. what would you say? would you discourage the association with a loser? I think so.. I think that may be the answer.
Thank you and yes I would not
Thank you and yes I would not encourage BD to hang out with toxic people. To be fair this was a discussion I broached after BD tried to show me a TikTok Spawn had made. We were in a public place with family and I told her we could look at it later. Yesterday was the first time our schedules were open and we had time to talk. I was the one who asked her if she was interested. I think BD was just more looking her up out of curiosity. It really wasn't a long discussion because BS was there and made the comment "I would stay very far away from that b@tch." After he said that BD stopped talking, so later when he wasn’t around and DH was home we both addressed it with her. DH was honest that he does not like the choices Spawn makes and the things she does to people so that’s why he chooses not to engage with her. I think I opened that door out of pre-emptive fear. I won’t lie Spawn is a very strong trigger for me and anytime I hear something associated with her I go into instant shut that sh@t down mode. It’s something I need to work on, because maybe if I had just let it go BD would have forgotten all about it.
Toxic sister
SD60 is the toxic sister and step-sister in our family. I have never limited, or tried to limit, anyone's exposure to her. Like Justmakingthebest, they all came to their own conclusions about contact with her.
True, it's just hard because
True, it's just hard because BD is my baby and I want to protect her.
BD Learning Experence
If there is one thing Ive learned about kiddos is that try as hard as you can to protect them - and they get hurt anyway.
Sorry you are going through all that stress.
I agree, I just want to limit
I agree, I just want to limit their hurt if possible, I know completely impossible, but I can't help it.
This is really tough.
Growing up, I had a half-brother who was around a lot until I was about 4 and then suddenly just left with some meth-chick and was never the same again. When she finally dumped him and he came home desperate for a place to stay, I was 17. Our bio-dad was so happy to see him again that he didn't seem to notice all the meth-skanks and boom tubes lying around the room they let him take up rent-free, and my mother is just plain naive (I think she has selective naivete, TBH, and it's the only way she's survived the modern world). I didn't know about all that sort of stuff yet, but I was so excited to see my big bro again that it wasn't long before I was being heavily influenced and sucked into his party life. He ended up trying to "lend me" to one of his guy friends to get some meth and when I refused, he stole my mother's engagement ring and implied strongly to her that I had done it when she noticed it wasn't in the box. It took all that for me to realize he was no good, but not before quite a bit of damage had been done.
I feel like if you forbid your BD from seeing Spawn, it may encourage her to try even harder. But if you tell her that speaking with this person online on via phone is acceptable but that you won't be sending your BD off to hang out with her or inviting her to your place (at least not without adults around), that may be a good middle ground.
Agreed and my biggest worry
Agreed and my biggest worry is Spawn trying to see BD without our consent. Looks like I'm going to need to sit down with DH and BD and we need to lay out some ground rules.