I have definitely started changing the way I handle situations... he is like me, he is very neat and clean.. he likes things in their place... when we do laundry we do it, fold it and put it away... it doesn't take a week... when she does it, she leaves the wet stuff in the machine for days or the dry stuff on the sofa for days... I've started pointing out to him "Hey honey, there are moldy wet clothes in the washer can you deal with that please" and he gets on her ass and it is taken care of immediately... Or "Honey, I noticed that the dinner dishes SS brought to her room last Thursday have not been returned to the kitchen, please take care of that before I get home today..."... or while handing him the plunger .... "Her toilet must be stopped up because the whole upstairs reeks of urine... can you handle that please..." lol... so I'm starting to push more things in front of his face to where he really can't ignore them and I have started to see some movement on his end...

But my favorite thing that has happened lately... About 3 weeks ago she asked me if I could charge something on my credit card... she really wanted to do a gym membership that required an upfront payment. I asked her how much she could afford PER PAYCHECK to pay it back.. she said $100 for 4 pay checks... I said look lets do $50 for 8 pay checks to help you out so it isn't as much... she made the first payment the same day. 3 weeks go by and she doesn't make the second payment. So I texted her, when are you planning to make the second payment? And she says well I already paid this month so next month... and I'm like uhm, no its per paycheck not per month... and she says no way we never discussed per pay check it was $50 per month... thank god the whole agreement was made via text message and I had kept it... somehow I had a feeling I might need it... so I forward her the discussion and shes like "Oh, I misunderstood"... despite the fact the word MONTH was NEVER in the conversation and the word paycheck was used in every sentence.... So she goes "Don't worry, you don't need to be so cheap, you will get your money. Don't do me any more favors"... so she sends the second payment... I held my tongue but what I wanted to say was .. no more favors? So you are going to stop using my power, gas, laundry, tv, internet, household goods, food without contributing a single thing????

Sounds like favors to me lol...

A lot of this is petty and I realize this, but when you put it all together over the course of 4 years... I'm strung out... anyone can forget to flush their toilet... but forget at least once a week every single month when its full of ..... ? Anyone can have a lazy day but in 4 years she has helped with dinner MAYBE 5 times...

Her bathroom needs to be remodelled big time but I told my husband I'm not willing to do it while she still lives here... I mean seriously... she can't flush her toilet when its full of poop and I'm going to renovate it? I don't think so... it looks and smells like something out of a truck stop and at a minimum I insist that the door stays closed at all times... the shower drain is literally BLACK. There is red/orange mold or soap scum or something all around the bottom of the tub, covering the soap dish etc... it is disgusting... when she is forced to clean it, it is such a laughable half ass job but at least it is something.. she does the bare minimum...

I just have to find a way to get DH to see the light and set a date. I don't even care if it is 6 months or 12 months.. I just need SOMETHING to put my faith into lol...

Oh, you guys will be amused by this I'm sure... I love to cook, its my passion... last Valentines I cooked a romantic dinner for THREE because she loves to be the third wheel... don't ask me why I put up with it, I don't remember now why I didn't freak out at that one... but I do remember cooking and serving up a very romantic dinner for three complete with champagne... she *MIGHT* have done the dishes that day but I'm not sure on that one... That won't be happening next year... I feel a lot of changes coming up,.. lol

Unfortunately none of that is gonna happen.. the house has been fully remodeled except for her 1 bathroom and there certainly isn't a bug problem, DH isn't going to inconvenience himself or incur any extra costs just to get her out when he could simply kick her out when ever he decides to do it...

I don't know what her mom did other than she "kicked her out"...

Sorry I thought I responded to this point above but in case I didn't... she is completely fine except that she is lazy and selfish. She has no physical or mental disabilities. However she claims to have ADHD and a learning disability as an excuse for being expelled from college - however her situation was more related to constantly skipping school, refusing to go to a tutor, and smoking pot :). She has never been diagnosed with any kind of issue despite numerous attempts on her part to get diagnosed so she could get special treatment... She has a full time job, she has a car which she drives....

I've made it my mission to pick up any single item in the entire house which is hers and put it on the bed. I don't want to see a single thing that reminds me of her. The first thing I do when I get home is gather anything I find and dump it in there. I can't do it with most dishes because I am a real foodie and everything in my kitchen is sacred to me. I cringe every time she uses something from the kitchen. Also I don't want to encourage bugs. But I leave plastic cups etc... Also instead of flushing her toilet when I realize she has left without flushing it, I close the door to her bathroom... when she leaves her laundry in the living room, I take it up and dump it on her floor... I definitely will not be buying any items for her at the grocery... I'm going to make a point to stay out of anything that has to do with her and basically make things unpleasant without being out right rude.. I want my DH to do something but I don't want to damage my relationship with him either. I need to walk a fine line here...

Also, I'm going to be away for several weeks in November. I don't think it benefits me to put my foot down for her to move out before my trip. I don't want her having several weeks to do whatever she wants when I can do absolutely nothing.

The problem is BM wants nothing more to do with her. She wore out her welcome there. BM said your an adult, I want to have my own life. Basically she did what I wish I could do...

DH has told me he feels guilty for not being there for her when she was a pre-teen and teen... the sad thing was, he WAS there. He paid child support from day one and made sure the kids had everything they needed, they stayed with him every weekend or every other weekend depending on his work schedule and he always went to their events etc. But she has always blamed him for the divorce, even though it was very mutual and they both moved on. No matter what he did everything was all his fault. This is like 17+ years ago.... I really think it is time for her to get on with it... She still twists the knife when ever she can.... "Oh my life is soooo hard because I come from a broken home" kind of crap... I feel bad for him. I do think he THINKS he is doing the right thing... I just wish he would open his eyes to the fact that enabling her is NOT helping her.

The funny thing is, I WANT to have a good relationship with her... I was so excited at the beginning, I looked at our "blending" as adding to my own family... I want to help her be a successful person and move out and get on her feet etc... she just makes it so damn impossible to even want to be in the same room as her...

She has no pride. And I think that is part of why it is difficult for me. I am an independent woman. I moved out of my parents house when I was 16. I dropped out of high school, got my GED and started working full time. My parents never paid a cent towards my first car, my car insurance, my rent, my utilities, my college, nothing. I did it all on my own. I grew up very poor... when I was a teenager we lived in a one bedroom apartment between 4 people. My parents slept in the living room on a pull out sofa bed and my younger sister and I shared a bedroom. For a long time we never had a car and we either walked or took the bus everywhere. Maybe if my parents had money it would have been different, probably not. They value independence and teaching you to stand on your own two feet. Don't get me wrong they provided and were great parents. But they didn't throw money around. Going to college was a luxury and a privilege, not something to be wasted or demanded. I worked full time and went to school at night and only took as many classes a semester as I could afford to pay for. My first car was a junker off a lot and I ran that baby into the ground before I got another one. When I wasn't in school I had two jobs... I've cleaned toilets, I've flipped burgers, I did whatever I had to do to make sure I could afford to pay my bills and stand on my own...

I know the economy is tough, and it isn't really even that she lives with us is the problem. I actually don't mind having her around, except for the fact that she is a lazy disgusting pig. It would actually be nice to have a third RESPONSIBLE ADULT in the house. Someone to help a hand with the household chores? Help out with dinner.. spread the burden... Stop off at the grocery store when I'm running late and need an ingredient for dinner? If she made some small effort not to be dirty, not to be a burden, or to contribute in some little way... There are obviously ways to contribute that aren't monetary... Help with the dishes? Walk the dog? Do you know that when my DH and I go away overnight, we have to board the dog because she cannot be relied upon to take care of her - if we are running late to get home from work, we actually have to specifically call her and ask her to let the dog out - and that only entails opening a patio door and physically letting the dog walk outside, she wouldn't actually put a leash on her and take her for a walk... If we are going away for more than few days, we have to hold the mail because she cannot be relied upon to take it out of the box...

I'm not comfortable making a move on this before I go out of town... I just think giving her several weeks of completely unsupervised access while I am away is asking for trouble... I'm just going to have to hold my tongue a little bit longer, but also completely stop anything that I am doing for her and start making her life a little more difficult...

See I have to do a better job of letting him handle her... For example, I like a clean kitchen, it KILLS me to come home and find a sink full of dishes, and I will always wash them and put them away before I start cooking... So now what I've been doing is separating her stuff and leaving it in the sink, I'll wash anything that is mine or his and put her stuff off to the side... There has been a cup in the sink for 5 days now that she left... ordinarily I would wash it because I value my china etc and I don't want MY stuff to get ruined, but this is her coffee thermos. So, It has literally been in the sink since last Thursday. Every time I cooked over the weekend etc, I carefully set it aside, dirty water in it and all, and then put it back in the corner of the sink once I was done.. I'm just going to continue doing things like that.. if he wants to wash it he can, if he points out that I should just wash it, I will remind him of a conversation I had with him several months ago where I honestly expressed my feelings about being treated like a maid and a cook and my upset at the fact that while there were THREE adults living in the house only TWO participate etc... Also I think from now on, when I get home, if I see that there are dishes in the sink then I will ask him to please take care of those dishes before I start cooking... Maybe he will get tired of cleaning her dishes and scrubbing dried food particles from the bottom of the sink...

It's a work trip so it will already be very stressful and also hard on DH who will have to take care of the household things that I usually take care of etc... maybe a few weeks alone with her will help him see how truly little she does.

Right.. the open ended part is what makes it SO hard. I mean literally if I agreed to giving her 12 months.. ie she isn't here by next Thanksgiving... it would actually be fine with me... She doesn't have to be gone tomorrow... I want her out, but I'm realistic as well... I don't want her to be homeless or be in a bad situation... I'm not evil.. I *want* to have a good relationship with her, but every time I try, she craps all over it... She has wasted all of these years, she has nothing to show for it, she hasn't saved a penny and has only gotten herself into debt by buying a car that she could have done without and maxing out a few small store cards and one small credit card... she goes out with her friends every weekend, is constantly shopping and getting her hair and nails done, constantly going away on little weekend trips "with the girls" etc... BM has room for her but she won't take her back... she couldn't wait to get rid of her so why would she take her back now... she has aunts she could potentially live with I suppose.... but it isn't my problem... she has had 4 years to set up a golden nest egg and it isn't MY fault if she didn't take advantage... So really, I would even be happy with a 12 month deadline. Immediately isn't going to happen, it just isn't practical and he isn't going to throw her out on the street. I'm looking at 6 months or potentially 12 months... but that is better than "never" lol because that is how it is looking right now....

Part of my upset is that she flat out lies to DH.. For example, he is under the assumption that all of her credit cards are paid off.. I have pointed out to him that if her cards were paid off that she wouldn't be getting fat envelopes from them every month and once or twice has gotten a call about a late payment... he confronts her and she insists I'm wrong and her bills are paid off.. but he has not pushed her as far as actually SEEING her bills.. he says that she is responsible with her credit and I know that isn't true... At mothers day she had the absolute nerve to ask him to borrow $50 to buy a gift for her mom. I cannot even describe the anger I felt... but uhhmm if she has to borrow $50 then clearly she doesn't have $50 worth of space on her credit card???? The funny thing was, I had to go to the same store to buy something for myself, so he dropped us off and waited in the car while we both went in. (He flat out ignored her request for the money and thats why he didnt go in with us, so she would be on her own... if he had given her cash to buy a gift for BM my head might actually have exploded lol) She had to split the $50 between two cards!!! So clearly she is full of shit.

Then after telling me "don't do me any more favors" last week, I really had to bite my tongue last night when she was eating food that I paid for and that I cooked, and watching a TV that I purchased, on cable service that I pay for, and using a computer that I purchased, and internet that I pay for, in a house that I am the 50% owner of... I guess our definition of favors is different... At least she has been staying away from me.. she stayed away all weekend, came home monday and didn't even say hello to DH or myself, went straight to her room and stayed there, then last night she got home after we had eaten dinner, ate a few bites out of the tupperware I had put the food in so she wouldn't have to use a dish and then wash it... and then went to her room and didn't come back out again... so at least I don't have to sit in a room with her while I'm trying to unwind after work, but its bad enough I know she is in the other room...