How to deal with husbands family events/gatherings with stepkids
Hello, I am new to this board. I am looking for some input from others who may have some experience, etc.
A little background. My H and I have been married since 1996. I had a daughter from a previous marriage whom he adopted when she was 8. H's kids were age 4 girl and age 2 a boy. There were many many court battles between child support from his ex and then him trying to get time with his kids. My stepkids are now 20 almost 21 the girl and his son is 19. There is so much background to this so I will limit a little. SD came to live with us when she was 16 because she was out of control and her mom's husband wanted her out and so did her mom (but mom told SD that my husband made her move with us). SS moved with us that same year and he was just entering high school. There were years and years of counseling and it was actually the counselor that told all of us that stepdaughter needed to live with us since she manipulated her mom ALL the time and got her way. SD continued to manipulate her mom while she lived with us, etc.
SD has been very volatile with me and her dad in the past. She also physically attacked our older daughter and she has a scar on her face to still show for it from 3 years ago. SD NEVER apologized for that. For that matter she has NEVER apologized.
My stepkids live in a house in our area that is their mom's dads house. Their mom provides for them as neither one of them work. In fact SS quit high school this past year as well. Their mom is from California and comes out often to see them. She has been remarried the same amount of time as my hubby and I have been married. But she has a boyfriend over here in our area who she comes to see. Stepkids are chummy with him as well.
Ok my dilemna. My inlaws are having an anniversary dinner in October. My husbands sisters make a point of going out of their way to include stepkids even though neither on them talk to anyone in our family. In fact, one of his sisters is quite chummy with his ex. My inlaws used to be as well saying they had to because of the stepkids.
So my SD has told me off twice. I am not sure what I did either time as she just hurls fowl language at me. She is angry and spiteful.
The issue is my husband has already said we are not going to go if the stepkids are there. We will do something with his parents and his out of two sibling without the stepkids. My MIL is upset and says we just need to accept the stepkids for who they are and ignore the past. Well I can't even be in the same room with SD anymore. I literally have a panic attack. Hubby has attempted to talk to SD about her actions but she now just doesn't talk to him. The stepkids NEVER come to see us. We will see them next door at my inlaws once in a great while. But they dont' come to our house. This past Easter my MIL told me she was having a BBQ on the saturday before Easter and we were invited. She also informed me that stepkids were coming. I told her thank you for the invite but my family and I would not make it. She was upset and told me we can't parent our stepkids anymore, etc. I told her that was not the case at all. I choose to not attend where SD is. Low and behold stepkids didn't show up and I was in the doghouse because I should have called and seen if they showed up.
I am sorry this is so long winded. I guess I wonder if we are going about it the right way. And that is not attending the functions they are at. My husband doesn't want our youngest daughter around sd at all. There are soo many issues involved. We have tried to maintain a relationship with the stepkids but their actions have been awful and we just don't want to be around it anymore. Any advice? Any questions?
I guess you're kind of
I guess you're kind of screwed seeing as they live so close (in laws I mean). First piece of advice I have to offer is to have DH do all the rejecting of invitations from his mother. They're his children so he should be the one saying, "no, I choose not to have my assaultive daughter and my son who cut off contact with me in the same vicinity as my wife and other children. It's not safe and it will end badly". The more you leave it to him, eventually they will recognize you are not the bad guy. Secondly, why waste time with people who are just plain mean? That sounds like a giant waste of time to me. I will never, ever be in the same room as my husband's siblings unless they apologize for ruining my wedding weekend and the only time I've talked to his mother since the wedding was to tell her and her husband to stop screaming at my husband and to call her and ask her to think before she speaks because if she wants to keep a relationship with him she needs to stop hurting his feelings. She invited my husband down to pick up skids after a visit and he refused her because she didn't invite me. Now that he's started to stand up to them consistently, they're realizing they are going to be held at more than an arm's length by this family.
Good luck! Sounds like a crap situation for you guys. Glad DH is on board, just make him do the "no" saying. If she asks you, say you need to ask DH but you are pretty sure he doesn't want SD around the other kids since she assaulted your daughter...but you'll check and "he'll get back with you".
It is up to you and your
It is up to you and your husband who you want to be around, period. You do not need to justify it to anybody and you are doing nothing wrong. Maybe MIL should've called you to tell you that the skids didn't show if she wanted you to be there so bad.
Thank you "instantfamily".
Thank you "instantfamily". My in laws were horrible at our wedding too. And then three month's after we were married, they arranged a BBQ with my husband and his ex. They were trying to get them back together because it was best for the kids.
I like your advice of having my husband do the responding. I just don't think he is clear when he talks to them.
And "hereiam". you are right! I don't know why I keep hoping these people will be understanding and STOP forcing these things on us.
Holy cow that is exactly what
Holy cow that is exactly what I told my husband!!!
WHAT!!!! I already agreed
WHAT!!!! I already agreed with the other replies before I read that bit about the BBQ and getting them back together being best for kids. Never mind not seeing your skids, don't bother with the ILs either. The skids are a matter for DH, if he wants to make these exclusions, of course you go along with him and it is not your choice apart from insofar as your biokids' welfare is threatened. But if your ILs did that cheating snub to you attempting to break up YOUR marriage after attending when you took your vows, they are completely immoral, abusive, and they WISH YOU ILL. Even an apology would not make this up to me in your shoes. You are entitled never to pay any attention to these people again and certainly not celebrate any anniversaries of theirs. I am not saying this vindictively, but just matter-of-factly. They tried to destroy your marriage with their son. So, they don't want you to be in their family. So, don't BE in it. What a pretence.
I have a friend who is still staying in her very long marriage wherein the husband has been long-term unfaithful, because of her devout catholic faith. She's come to terms with the guy being out of the house a lot of nights, spending time with his girlfriend, and now the children are grown even purchasing another property with his girlfriend. All that she can tolerate. But just recently, she found an opened letter to her husband AND HIS GIRLFRIEND written to them as a couple and inviting them over for "another" visit, this from her mother-in-law the husband's mother. This sounds like it would have been awful to discover, but actually she was really glad to see it because it allowed her to admit what she had known all along which was that the MIL hated and did not acknowledge her as a DIL over all past years, and now at last my friend was morally free to disengage from the MIL and start ignoring her.
Do it. Get rid of these people. I am not going to forget that BBQ for a long time and I'm sure you guys haven't.
I feel for you. It was in-law
I feel for you. It was in-law problems that drove me here--I have 3 SILs who flipped out over their brother marrying me, even though we were both middle-aged adults and he is so much happier now! (My MIL does like me, she tells DH this marriage is 10 times better than his first, which is nice). Anyway, I never got my "welcome to the family" party because SIL1 had a jealous meltdown and picked a fight with DH. And she started to buddy up with BM--this is after telling DH for years to divorce her!
It was very troubling but once you realize that they are toxic and it's not you, it gets easier to just walk away.
Sounds very similar to my
Sounds very similar to my story. I actually met my husband through his sister, who I had been friends with for years, but when we got together, man was she jealous. It was weird. She did the same thing, befriended the very person (BM) she claimed to hate because of how horrible she was to her brother.
Now, we keep her at arms length and this is DH's doing without any prompting from me. He knows his family is toxic so we stay awa for the most part and we get along with them better that way.
When his dad was alive, he told my husband, "She's a keeper. The other one was a crazy bitch." His dad liked nobody!
Anyway, like I posted before, it is your choice. Don't ever feel bad about cutting toxic people out of your life. Family or not because to me, family is someone who is supportive and a positive in my life.
Wow, hereiam, I met DH
Wow, hereiam, I met DH through SIL1 also! We had been work colleagues and one night we were going to go out and he showed up at her house. Love at first sight. We figured she was sorry to lose her partner in misery (DH). She has gotten better since then, after we moved out of state. Now she has a BF and is happy enough to "accept" me into the family. Not that I care now!
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your comments. I truly appreciate it!!!!