My SS18 just moved in with us a little more than a month ago. I tried to set some boundaries (curfew, privacy issues) and establish expectations (chores, rent, bills) before he moved in, but DH gave SS the ok to move in before I had the chance. SS pays for his car, ins and phone. And once in a while he buys a few groceries. He does not pay rent. He does not clean his room. He does not clean up after himself in the kitchen or bathroom. He brings his laundry to grandma's house because she does it all for him (I won't). He takes the dog out occasionally, but won't leave the yard to take him for a walk. In the meantime, the electric/water/grocery bills have gone up, I have more food to cook and more dishes to clean each day, our biokids have lost their basement playroom so SS can have a room, and DH and I no longer have any privacy in our home. I can totally relate to what you are going through, although I don't know how you've put up with it for 3 years. I can't wait to see some other responses because I could also use some help.

Dear johnfl22,

You are in a common situation with a lot of stepparents here: adult stepchild mooching off you, making your life miserable, and your spouse defending the mooching and disruptive behaviors and helping to make it all possible.

I was in this situation also, thank goodness it is over for me.

First let me say that your wife will continue to enable your SS until she figures out she is helping him fail. And SS will continue to be lazy and go nowhere until he is sick of going nowhere, or he is forced to stand on his own 2 feet.

This cycle will retard SS in his progress to being a productive member of society, and it will ruin your marriage, if it is not stopped. The best advice I have on breaking this cycle is for you and your wife to go to a counselor. Do not take SS with you to the counselor. That way the counselors mission will be to help you with your marriage. Tell the counselor that you think SS is taking advantage, not acting like a responsible adult, etc. Let your wife tell her view of the situation. I GUARANTEE that the counselor will suggest you make a plan to get SS to move out and stand on his own 2 feet. Your wife will actually accept this idea from the counselor. It will probably sound a lot like what you have been telling her. But she will accept it form the counselor (when she rejected it form you).

Good luck
Nellie

Yes it answers your question.

Your wife would rather help her son be a failure than be married to you.

She probably knew what the counselor would say, which means she knows she is doing this all wrong but she wants to continue to do it all wrong. Why?

Does she feel she has no purpose in life except to prop up the SS?
Does she feel guilty for splitting with the Dad so SS was not with both parents?

These are not good reasons to help your child fail.

I'm so sorry.

Nellie

Mmm...main purpose in life is to prop up biochild.
That is soo true for me & I just realized it. I have used her to give my life purpose for 24 years and although I should have a real purpose (i.e. cool career or hobby, or new family to nurture) I never put anything before her. So I'm clinging and pushing her at the same time. I have a long way to go but I've started my realization: its time!

You are right on. Its a slightly different situation but my mother coddled my little brother who lived with her until she died. He was 32 years old and now in his 60's. He was never able to function properly in life and although he tried he just didn't know how to go about it. Mom had always done everything for him.

Your wife needs to be brought into the real world and understand that the longer he's coddled by her the less capable a person he becomes.

I would suggest you go to Amazon.com or another book seller and search under "Boomarang kids". I.e. kids who return home after leaving for awhile. I'm not sure if I spelled Boom....correctly.

My wife had two kids from a previous marriage.

We've helped the daughter to the tune of several thousand dollars. She now has two kids from two failed marriages, and is living with us. She has no means of support other than welfare and child support. She walked away from a mortgage and left the down payment, which we had given her, on the table. She stopped attended trade school classes that we had paid for, leaving us with a $10K tuition loan obligation. She turned the car we bought her into a rolling piece of junk through lack of maintenance.

On the other hand, we've helped the son very little financially. By contrast, he's a volunteer firefighter, did two tours of duty with the Marines in Iraq, works full time to support his wife and two kids, while attending college, and has saved enough for a down payment on a home.

The difference between the two is striking, and the reason seems obvious to me. May we all take these lessons to the bank!

-Joe

Soon to be SD doesn't live with her dad because she is married. But money drain all the same. I am coming to the conclusion it's all about not wanting to grow up and certainly not even considering living within their means. It takes most of us years to be comfortable and I'm afraid as "Boomers" we've spoiled these little darlings into lethargy when it come to taking care of themselves and/or their offspring. They know we feel guilty sometimes for not being there. My soon to be husband feels guilty for not being there because he worked for gawd's sake... worked in order to give his kids better than he had himself. Now he is worried about lack of ability to retire (rightly so) and yet, still, is giving to daughter. I'm not sure which generation is more screwed up - Thiers or ours?

Hi Johnfl22
In my humble opinion I would consider either 1)counting my losses and leaving or 2)giving your wife an ultimatum - get the lazy a$$ to clean up his act or I will be out of the picture.

Now I know both are rather drastic, but drastic measures for drastic times here! You cannot be expected to live in this kind of tension and misery. You will only cause yourself ulcers and spastic colon problems! You probably love your wife very much, from what I can gather from your post, but does she love YOU enough to stop enabling her son?

Counselling sounds like a brilliant idea, but as you say she won't go...well then I would threaten to withdraw myself emotionally from the relationship until she does. She has to catch a 'wake-up' somehow.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I've been where you are now and I did give my FH an ultimatum that either SD18 moved out or I would. That was drastic now that I look back, but it made him wake up to how desperate the situation was. In the end SD18 moved out on her own to live with her bf and kicked up high school. The parents did nothing.

This only IMHO.

Good luck!
MG

John, I've walked in your frustrating shoes with my SD (27) who lives with us, so I can relate. It's time to have a long talk with your DW or go to counseling to make her see the light. SS needs to set goals and plans for the future or he'll be with you until he's 35.

Explain to DW how she's enabling him to live a life being dependent instead of teaching him to develop his gifts, plan for his future, and set goals for his life. Also discuss settig house rules regarding him blaring loud music which is not only disrespectful but inconsiderate as well. Recommend that he invest in a good pair of headphones.

In my case, after many arguments with DH over SD, I didn't give him an ultimatum, but told him that if she were still under our roof at 28, I would be leaving. She's caused many conflicts as you'll note under my many other posts.

DH claims that she wants her own place, but seeing is believing. Even her BM and my in-laws are encouraging her to stand on her own two feet and get out of daddy's lap.

Sadly her being here has caused me not only to resent her but I've lost respect for her as well. I'm struggling with these feelings and am convinced had she not lived with us when we got married, I would not feel this way. Soon it's likely you'll starting resenting SS as well, and it makes for an even more difficult living arrangement.

Parents do their adult children a terrible injustice by allowing them to stay live at home . . . .unless theres a good reason such as sickness, etc., and there are no other options. I wish you the very best with you SS. . please keep us posted.