Future SS showing signs of shutting me out already

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My future stepson is showing signs of shutting me out already, and we haven't even met.

I am engaged to marry a man with three adult kids next summer. His son has already told him that he is leery about me being a grandma to his children. He has never even met me, and already he is shutting the door? Of my 5 children, two really like my future DH, two are just glad I'm happy, and the other is negative and tries to be territorial (I won't let him).

His girls were daddy's girls and they are actually supportive of our relationship and happy for their dad; one of the daughters even wants us to live in their area so that, in her words, the children have some stable influence. However, the two girls don't have any children. The son (a mama's boy, for SURE) has three children: one with his wife and two with "side chicks". The amazing thing to me is that he himself is a step dad and fathered the youngest two children while still married. How can he be so quick to close doors when they have been so readily opened to him?

I think that for me, emotionally, I need to be in an all-or-nothing marriage. Starting out separating things seems to me to be a less-than-ideal way to begin a union. I know that people enter a marriage with lofty goals and then change (normal) but I don't want to go in to it giving the idea that excluding me is normal and acceptable, especially before I've been given a chance.

(Lest anybody read me wrong, I *am* aware that some separation is normal. Although I've seen first and second wives end up being friends, I do NOT expect that to happen between DH's ex and I. Therefore, I don't expect to be invited to wedding showers, baby showers, etc., where she is going to be present, and that is fine with me. However, the attitude of "she can't be a part of my children's lives" is a whole different kind of exclusion.)

My future DH is awesome, and generally extremely understanding and supportive...which shows in that he is understanding of his son's position. Right now on this he is riding the fence and his attitude is that things will probably change. But what if they don't? Before I marry this man, I really need to know what his position will be if his son continues to take the exclusionary role.

I know that steps don't always get along and I don't feel any particular need to play a mother's role with his children, but am I wrong in thinking that completely cutting your future SM out of the grandkids' lives is not the norm and is even out of line? Am I jeopardizing a future with an awesome man over something that's the norm, or maybe even trivial . . . or could this be a yellow flag?

That's kind of the point . .

That's kind of the point . . . I am NOT okay with him going to visit them and leaving me behind. That just does NOT sound like a good idea. Is that the norm, though?

Thank you, StepAside . . .

Thank you, StepAside . . . you gave me a lot to chew on.

I don't want to be close with

I don't want to be close with him—just don't want to be excluded from seeing the grandchildren but even MORE importantly, don't want divisiveness to our relationship.

definitey agree with STOP -

definitey agree with STOP - don't force the issue - it will just make it worse.
If he doesn't want you to be Grandma - then don't be. But your husband needs to stand up for you attending any family functions. you are/will be his wife. You deserve respect. Love may or may not come later.

Good points. I gave the

Good points. I gave the comparisons so that people would have a complete picture, since I am new to the forum.

Yes, I do accept him doing other things without me. Right now, he is headed to visit his dad for father's day. If we were married, we'd both go (both of us are in agreement on this), but as a fiance, I don't think it's necessary, maybe not even appropriate.

I don't mind if he goes out with friends without me, and he and his sibs recently did a birthday reunion in Vegas, which was fine. The difference to me is that in those cases we, as a couple, make the decision on a case-by-case basis. His friends, his dad, his sibs have not said "she can never be a part". Therein lies the offense, for me.

...and yes, of course, he goes to work alone... I feel that that is completely unrelated to the situation I posted. Moreover, I am not excluded from his office— I've gone in a couple times to wait for him if we were going to do something together and it was convenient.

Good points. I gave the

Good points. I gave the comparisons so that people would have a complete picture, since I am new to the forum.

I missed the third point. I

I missed the third point.

I didn't ask to be a grandma, but I have to admit that I had always assumed that I would be. He volunteered his opinion when future DH recently visited and talked to his kids about our marriage (they knew, but had not talked about it in person).

While I would love to play the active grandmother role, I know that that might not happen. However, I don't see the usefulness in just automatically barring someone from the kids' lives. His comments were that they have already "had too many people in and out". Excuse me, but I am not a side chick . . . we are in our 50s and are getting married, so popping in and out is not likely.

They were side chicks, by

They *were* side chicks, by his own admission. He cheated on his wife—his child by his wife is the same as as the other woman's daughter, and he just had a third child born a couple weeks ago...and he is still married.

If we are engaged, my assumption is that I am not a side chick.

The women are side chicks and

The women are side chicks and his wife is an idiot.

Now THAT is entirely

Now THAT is entirely possible.

am I wrong in thinking that

am I wrong in thinking that completely cutting your future SM out of the grandkids' lives is not the norm and is even out of line?

It's not even about being a future SM or the grandkids, it's about SS's respect for his dad and his future wife.

He doesn't want you to be a grandma to his kids, fine, what has that got to do with meeting you? With you accompanying your DF for visits and being in their lives? Being in a person's life does not equate to having a certain title like, Grandma. He's making excuses and your DF is letting him.

Your DF needs to get off of the fence, before you marry him. Otherwise, you will be giving him permission to let this go on. He can hope that things eventually change but he needs to not wait for that to happen, he needs to take an active role in changing it and NOT let his son call the shots. SS hasn't even met you, yet, so it's not personal it's just him being an ass. Why does your DF think that's okay?

Now, that's a good point.

You, Stepaside and a couple

You, Stepaside and a couple others gae some really solid advice I'm sorry it took me so long to respond back to this and give an update.

A few days after I posted this, DF and I went on a trip for a few weeks. We had a lot of time to talk. point blank I asked him how he planned to handle it if his son never accepted me. His stance (and I pray that it's true) was not to lose hope because he might come around yet and he wants to keep their relationship connected, but not to worry because he was not going to let his children divide us. He said he'd invite all the grandchildren to visit at the same time, and if his son chose not to let his come, they would have to miss out. He said that when he goes down there to visit, we'll go together and just visit the daughters if that's what it comes to.

He also said that his kids openly said that they are afraid that he is going to get married and forget about them. Personally, if I had that fear of my father distancing himself, I would do a whole lot to endear myself to the new wife. The girls I think just want to make sure that he is "still dad" . . . the son, I think he is worried about the money train not coming his way anymore.

Whatever the case, I think under the circumstances, he has taken a good, healthy position. Thank you for your support, everyone!

"Before I marry this man, I

"Before I marry this man, I really need to know what his position will be if his son continues to take the exclusionary role." For sure!! And don't marry him if he doesn't demonstrate to his children that you and your marriage are his top priority - no fence riding allowed. My DH rode the fence for years and it made things worse. He told me he was in the middle. I informed him HE was NOT in the middle - he was responsible.

Paragraph 1, VERY good point,

Paragraph 1, VERY good point, since they are adults, and I agree. Point 2, that is what I was thinking— that there has got to be a happy medium and think you for reaffirming it.

Last paragraph, I do, admittedly, need him to stand up to that, and the exclusion is disrespectful and is my major beef.

The third paragraph may point to another reason why this is so unreasonable to me. In my family, all of my aunts were "Aunt whomever", whether by marriage or blood. I had eight altogether and of my favorites and closest, one is by blood and the other marriage. To give you an even clearer picture, growing up we had extended family gatherings during the summer holidays, and sometimes a divorced spouse would show up, as welcome as when she was married. I am not saying that my family is holy or perfect because they are DEFINITELY not all that, but I grew up with a more arms-open environment and this is a shock to me. At 52, I entered into the relationship naive, I guess, which is why I have included comments about what others have seen or experienced.

Anyway, I get what you are saying and your advice is solid. Thank you.

Oh, my gosh—SO on point!

Oh, my gosh—SO on point! YESSSS! His father would not dream of excluding the wife, even though she has been fickle and in and out of everyone's lives (except their children, to her credit). Good, good point.

"His son has already told him

"His son has already told him that he is leery about me being a grandma to his children".

I don't fault the SS for this. How do you even know yet that these kids are well behaved sweet little kids you'd want to play grandma to? SS and you have never met and you have never met the grandchildren. IMO the thing to do before automatically assuming you should obtain a grandma role to these kids is slowly go to know them. I read SS is leery about you being grandma to his kids. I didn't read 'and SS wants nothing at all to so with me or his children and plans to ban
all interaction with DH and I as a couple. I will be excluded and unwelcomed at any and all family social settings'....I just didn't see/read that at all over the course of these two pages.

Is there a reason you must be 'grandma' and not just Grandpa and Joy. Can Grandpa and Joy still not invite the kids for a weekend visit after your married and go to the zoo without being 'Grandma'? Unless SS has actually said 'Dad I will not allow that woman near my kids nor tolerate her attending any family functions. End of Story. Subject over', I think he's taking a let's wait and see how it all goes approach is not so bad/wrong.

You might meet these kids once and come away thinking 'what the hell was I thinking, what obnoxious little brats, sure glad they aren't my grandkids'. The SS may finally meet you and think you're the best thing since sliced bread after he's spent some time with you.

You say your own son if negative towards your fiancé ,yet you don't tolerate it. It doesn't change the fact your son doesn't approve/like fiancé. However they exist in the same surrounding together occasionally I assume. Based solely on what you have actually written here is all any of us have to go by...with that in mind, I didn't see/read any immediate reason to think you should call off your wedding and dump your fiancé. I also saw some good advice from a few others about the what and hows to deal with this situation if it does turn out SS does indeed intent to totally shut you out and exclude you entirely.

I'll share something with you

I'll share something with you that my counselor told me just this past week as my SS33 sent his father and our daughter each their own wedding invitations and emailed his dad and said that for everyone concerned it would be best if I did not attend the wedding. Husband and I have been married 23 years. Long story but SS is running....won't go into right now.

The counselor told me that whatever choice husband and I make on this that he and I have to make that decision together and that we both have to be in agreement. he told me that any decision made now sets the basis for the other occasions to come so if my husband goes alone or with our daughter than SS is going to expect the same in the future. Counselor suggested that husband tell his son that he will only be attending the wedding with me by his side. He also told me that if I felt ready to do so that husband could tell SS that we would like to sit with him and try to clear the air over the past situation that has him avoiding me. Counselor feels that SS cannot face me as he would have to face himself and he would have the face the truth of his actions.

"Don't want much to do with

"Don't want much to do with dad? Fine, don't expect to be able to make demands on him either." Ain't that the truth?!!! Nothing from SD yet, no card, no phone call, no email. And yet if she needs anything she crawls out from under a rock and materializes! So far he seems to be taking all of this well. I made a big deal with gifts and a card from the dogs. Who knows, maybe he's just getting used to it.

U hear you StepAside! Husband

U hear you StepAside! Husband still has not replied to his son's email. SS is marrying a woman with children and I so do hope that everything he dished out to me gets thrown back in his face and he has to face his own actions and realizes what he put me thru.

Like your situation, steps do not contact their father. They do not call, rarely reply to husband's emails, do not send even a note on special occasions but yet they climb out form some hole somewhere with expectations that their dad is supposed to abide by or risk their relationship with him. What relationship? My husband didn't leave them behind, they turned their backs on him. Of course I am to blamed but I realize thru years of counseling these boys' anger is misplaced and until they deal with, and accept, that their parents are divorced and have moved on that they will continue to feel I am the one to blame.

What really gets me here is that SS actually thinks that husband and my daughter would want to attend this wedding without me and that it was okay to make such a request?? Does he feel my daughter or husband do not love me? Does he feel his dad is only with me because we share a child together? Or that my own child feels the way he does about me? We have become our own little family, our daughter loves us both. Her half brothers do not even know her, their choice, they have stayed away. Pure insanity if you ask me!

"What an insult! Like they

"What an insult! Like they think my own children aren't as close to me and protective of me, as they are with their own mother!?!?!? They think I'm chopped liver... to my own kids???" EXACTLY, and my very words!! My daughter (18) laughed at the invitation and said, "After 10 years of not hearing from him he wants me to come to his wedding, I don't think so." My husband was not happy at all that his son did this, called it a stunt and made his son aware of his feelings.

Sadly, my 18 year old became involved too, she old me that she was going to contact her brother's fiance....I asked her if this was really what she wanted to do and told her what could happen and she was ready for the reaction. I can say I did not want her to be involved and at the same time my daughter was actually seeing the situation for what it was without blame and it has been a LONG LONG time since I was not blamed.

Backlash came from fiance, addressed me thru my daughter's email saying she didn't believe it was my daughter bu me instead and then proceeded to call me all kinds of names, extremely insultive. I have never met this girl in my life, never had a conversation with her or anything. I knew then she was voices the sentiments of my SS.Should be interesting to see how this wedding turns out!!

I think you're going into

I think you're going into this marriage with a lot of expectations. Expectations that everyone should get along, expectations that you will be a grandmother, expectations about being accepted, and expectations about being one big happy family. For your own sanity, I recommend that you not focus on all of these adult children's feelings about you and how you want to fit in with them. Even the future SDs who are so accepting now may very well change their attitude down the road. I guarantee you that at any given time in your marriage you will be on the outs with one or more of them.

The grandmother thing -- I don't see how you're going to pull that off. You have two strikes against you -- the father is balking at you being involved and the kids are already born so they will know you are a newcomer.

The mistake I made was trying too hard in the beginning. I wanted to be accepted so I did the gift giving, hosted family parties for the steps, was there at every function at my husband's side. Smiled through the whole thing. Everything seemed okay until there was a disagreement and an adult step didn't get what they wanted. Then the battles began. You wouldn't believe how fast an adult step can turn on you until you've experienced it.

You are getting married. Focus on your life together with your new husband. Yes, your adult children will always be a part of your life together, and you must learn to manage that, however that looks. It may be that fiancée will be visiting his son alone most or all of the time. So what! Marry your husband, not his kids!

I think most sm's make the

I think most sm's make the mistake of trying too hard in the beginning then get turned on when a skid throws a tantrum or does not get their way. After that it's really hard to mend the relationship.

I'm wondering why you are

I'm wondering why you are marrying a man who's children you haven't met yet?
How long have you been dating?

I'm suspect of a relationship that moves too quickly.
My BFF was with a man who swept her off her feet and asked her to marry him less than 3 months after they'd met. She didn't meet any of his 5 kids (2 ex wives) until much later. They were all very stand offish and not quit rude but not accepting at all.
Turns out she was just the latest in a long string of fiancées. The kids were so tired of meeting a new women every 6 months.

He ended up being a total narcissist and she was very luck that she didn't marry him.

A year and a half after I

A year and a half after I posted this, I thought I'd post an update right under this same thread. Thank you so much for all of the wisdom you ladies put forth.

I did end up talking with my then-fiance, and he assured me that he would not let his children be divisive. We got married last summer. All 8 of our kids were in attendance, even my son who wasn't accepting at first (he is now, by the way). All of my kids were happy and had a great time at the wedding.

His kids (ages 24-28) came willingly; however, they spent a lot of time on their cell phones and were sullen and whiney about several things in relation to the wedding (ran out of salad dressing, for one. They were also upset that they heard DH's brother say, "I've never seen you so happy!" to which DH responded, "I know, this is the real thing." ---ouch, but he truly was not looking around to see who was listening, just voicing his feelings). Afterwards, they avoided him (did not call) for a couple months (one generally calls multiple times per week, one about once a month and the SS, when he needs something or has good news, which is a couple of times per month. They expressed that they were afraid that their dad was "going to forget about them" and that they weren't ready to see a real ceremony, touching vows, pictures, etc. Surprisingly, SS was the most cordial on the wedding day and was the first one to reach out and actually talk to his dad.

I took the advice here and also saw the writing on the wall and figure that my role as grandma might have to wait until my own children have kids. He had a great relationship with two of my kids and the other three are accepting of him. Not holding my breath on any relationship with his kids, which is not an issue since they all live across the country.

I do truly feel deeply sorry for my husband. All three of his are his step kids, which he raised like his own since they were little. By everyone's admission, he has been a great dad to them. I hope they can eventually come to terms with this!

Well, that is really

Well, that is really something. Even a man who stepped up and raised someone else's kids will wind up strangled by their resentments. Unbelievable. The stepparents can never win.

Thanks for the update. Sounds like you're happily married and the skids are causing fairly minimal damage cuz your dh has his act together. That's great. Sorry these ungrateful brats think they owe him even more of himself.

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Future SS showing signs of shutting me out already