Hi all,

I just joined Step Talk a few minutes ago and am THRILLED to find a forum like this where I can vent my frustrations!!

My boyfriend and I are planning to marry (no date set yet). He is 61 and I am 55. We are both widowed for 5 years now and met each other on e-Harmony over a year ago. We are so in tune and perfect for each other, and have met each other's families who have given us their blessing (except for one of his family members.) I have one adult daughter and he has two adult sons and two adult stepchildren (a boy and girl). It's the girl who is the drama queen. She is 36 years old.

This story requires some background from long ago. My BF has been widowed twice. His first wife died of an aneurism when she was 36. He remarried too soon to someone who was not right for him and she left Indiana with her two junior high/high school kids to live with him in another state. Her daughter was total hell to the point where my BF and the girl's mother couldn't have friends over anymore. His older son and his 2nd wife's daughter ended up getting pregnant. A couple years later they got married and now have 3 more kids, aged 7-13. BFs second wife (mother of the drama queen) died of breast cancer 5 years ago. She refused to see a doctor until a year after she first showed symptoms. By then it was too late. BFs family said they are sorry she died, but are glad BF is free to pursue a happier relationship and told me his second marriage was an unhappy one. Second wife was a control freak with everyone in the family.

I first met his SD last Christmas. BF and I had dated for about 6 weeks when I spent Christmas at his house and he told SD that he wanted her to meet me. She and her family showed up at BFs house where she immediately ran to the bedroom crying. BFs mom followed her in the bedroom to talk to her. They emerged about 30 minutes later, where she stood in the kitchen in a total hysterical meltdown, sobbing and saying "I just can't deal with this!" Everyone tried to calm her down with no success.

She has continued to be a royal pain in the ass. She refuses to acknowledge me. BF and I went to a counselor to talk about the best way to approach this issue. It's complicated by the fact that BFs son is this girl's husband. We are concerned about how her acting out is affecting their marriage also. The counselor acknowledged that we need to set some boundaries, but said that we should continue to let her know we care about her and are not going to reject her.

Once when BFs sister came from another state to visit, SD saw him driving his car, but didn't see who was in the passenger seat. She called him on his cell phone and all upset said "Dad, what are you doing TO ME? First it's J and now it's some other woman with you!" Folks, that's just CREEPY!!!!!!! And believe me, my BF knows how dysfunctional THAT was!!!

Anyhow, BF wrote a letter to SD telling her that I am going to be in his life and that she had better get used to it (in kinder words of course.) He told her she is still important to him and that he hopes she will continue to be a part of OUR lives. He told her in the letter that he expects her to treat me with respect - to greet me and exchange niceties with me. Neither of us expects her to participate in an extended conversation - just to be civil. He told her that if we are at his house and she is uncivil, he will ask her to leave immediately. If we are all in public and she is uncivil that the two of us will leave immediately.

His family (extended relatives and immediate family) all agree that this girl had had emotional problems for YEARS and that her hystrionics have held everyone hostage as they have accommodated her to keep peace in the family. She has been a real hellion. They have finally had enough of her crap.

We were together at Thanksgiving and she refused to speak to me. BF told her that was unacceptable, so she got mad and went out to her van and sat there for 2.5 hours while all the rest of us (including her husband and their 3 children)had a GREAT time. Her husband didn't even go out to check on her for 30 minutes, then he fixed her a plate, took it to the van and came back in for the rest of the visit.

Three days later my BF got a voice mail from her saying that she will not participate in any more family get-togethers. That's just fine with me, because I'm tired of her drama and dysfunction. No one else in her immediate family seems to dislike me (her oldest daughter, the 13 year old is "cool" to me, but I can live with that.)

My BF and I are concerned about his son (I feel really sorry for the poor guy), and are worried that she will attempt to keep his grandchildren from him.

My feeling is that he needs to talk to his son and tell him that HE needs to handle the situation - since he is her PRIMARY person, it's HIS responsibility to deal with it, not my BFs. But BF is a very responsible person, and feels if he maintains some degree of contact with her that eventually she will be amenable to going to counseling. I know his heart is in the right place, but at what point do you stop fretting over something you have no control over?

She has been like this for her whole life, from all accounts, and I don't see that she is going to change anytime soon. I know BF isn't going to put our lives on hold for her or anyone else, and he has proved to be mature, reliable, puts me first, and I have found no shortcomings in him. He loves his family deeply and doesn't want to see his son hurt because of this drama queen. In fact SD has called BF in the past complaining that her husband (BF's son) stays away from home by taking on more work (he's a firefighter), and that when he's at home he doesn't want to talk to her. (Who can blame him?) BF's son is stuck in the middle of this situation, but my feeling is that we should back off and let HIM deal with it.

This drama queen is trying to hold everyone hostage to her dysfunction with all her ridiculous acting out. BFs sister said enough is enough and she's sick of hearing all SD's bitching about everyone else in the family, and she's tired of "going along" just so there won't be a huge family blow-out.

Thanks for your input!