Feelings are hurt, feel kinda used
A conversation came up with my wife and I the other day that has rattled me a little. My wife and I have been married for almost 3 years. Like everyone else, we are in the throes of Christmas shopping. My wife has a 26 year old son from a previous marriage. She and her ex have been divorced for over 20 years. The other day, she told me that she and her ex-husband are going in together for a big present for her son. She hadn't mentioned this at all to me beforehand. I get along great with her son, and was assuming my wife and I would be getting him something. Now, she and her ex are shopping for him, and I feel kinda tossed aside. Since telling me this, she has mentioned to me a couple of times that she needs to send her ex a check for $100. We have a joint checking account, but only I put money into it. I think she intends to send her ex a check for $100 from this account. I told her yesterday that I'll have to figure out something to get her son, and that I consider the gift from her and her ex to be from them.
I feel kinda betrayed that she is Christmas shopping with her ex, and seems to be expecting me to cover the cost of it. I also feel used if that is indeed what is happening. I would like your opinion on this. I am thinking about confronting her about it, but the whole blended family thing is pretty new to me. Maybe this is just the way it goes?
Hmmm. No, this is weird. I
Hmmm.
No, this is weird. I mean...it can be how it goes, but it shouldn't be.
I was going to suggest that maybe she didn't want to presume that you wanted to get something for her son, which would be good of her. But if she's using your money for her half, it kind of blows that theory out of the water.
I suggest talking to her honestly about your feelings. Holidays are really hard in blended families and can cause a lot of resentment. I know for several years early in our marriage, BM always asked DH and I to 'split' big holiday gifts for the kids with her. We felt that...we kind of already were paying for half of those gifts through Child Support...along with half or more of everything else. Since all that contribution to their wellbeing was, essentially, invisible or attributed to their mother only...the last thing we wanted to do was buy some big present that they'd open at their mom's and have her say...yeah...this is from your dad and TwoOfUs also. We wanted them to have presents here that were clearly from us.
Maybe some of this plays into how you're thinking. In my opinion, the new couple should get gifts together for the kids (if the stepparent WANTS to gift, that is)...not the old couple.
Sounds like you and your wife are pretty newly married? Ask her how she intends to cover her half of this gift...and also ask her why she wouldn't want to give a gift with you instead. Be open but honest about feeling used.
Why are you the only one
Why are you the only one putting money into a joint checking account?
If she needs to send her ex money, it should be from her own account.
I would talk to her about it but not necessarily in a "confrontational" way. There's nothing wrong with letting her know your feelings and asking for clarification on what, exactly, is going on.
I'm the only one that has a
I'm the only one that has a job at the moment. I travel a lot for work, and like to bring my wife with me. That's hard to do if she can't get away from work. She does word working, and has a little side business with that. She's just started that, though.
It really hurts my feelings that she went to her ex to get her son a present, and left me in the cold on it. Last year, we got her son a really nice camera since all three of us like taking pictures, and it would be a fun thing to do together. I frankly feel pretty hurt by it, like I'm not good enough or something, and she has to go to her ex.
Well...I wouldn't assume that
Well...I wouldn't assume that she's not planning to pay for it herself, then. I would just ask her.
Maybe her mentioning that she needs to send her Ex a check several times is her way of trying to get you to offer money from the joint account? Maybe she feels like she can't send that check without your permission...even though it sounds like you've made the decision together that she not take on a full-time job outside the home. Maybe she's feeling hampered by that...or indebted in a way that disempowers her or makes her feel like less of an adult and decision-maker in the relationship? Maybe her Ex suggested this and she didn't know how to say no...or thought it was a good idea? Or didn't want to presume on your finances any more than she is?
The point is...there are a lot of reasons that she could have chosen to go this route. You won't know until you talk to her.
That is kinda true. I've
That is kinda true. I've asked her a couple of months ago to consider going back to work. She has had trouble finding a job. She seems to really be enjoying her new woodworking business, so I've dropped the issue. Frankly, she doesn't want to know how much our bills are. She was a single mom for a lot of years, and there were years when she really struggled. My salary makes her nervous, as does the amount of some of the bills. It scares her to spend very much, so she prefers to not know the details.
Yeah. I get this completely.
Yeah. I get this completely.
I'm the higher earner in my relationship...especially last year as my husband's business took a huge hit. This year has been much better, and he is much happier now that he's pulling more of his weight.
It's a really tough spot to be in for both spouses, I think. I need to be able talk to DH about $$$, but don't want to shame him or make him feel small...or for him to feel guilty and defensive all the time. He felt guilty for spending any money at all...even when I didn't care and even appreciated him for it. For instance, he really wanted to create a lighted picnic area outside on our back patio but felt he didn't have permission to do so. When this came out in an argument I just said...for the love. Just tell me what you want to go do, check in briefly...and then go get your lumber already. In the end, we were talking about $100-$150 or so...and he built something awesome that I love...that I would have paid 6-7x what he spent to do it if I'd had someone else do it. He's not lazy, so even though we both prefer it when he's earning $$...I never feel like he's not contributing to the marriage, our house, and our happiness as a couple.
I guess I say all this to say...one spouse feeling too dependent on the other is hard on both people in the couple. Even if you handle the majority of bills and like it that way, and even if neither of you want her to have a full-time job because you like her to be able to travel with you...she needs some discretionary money that's just hers so that she doesn't feel like she has to always ask permission. Hopefully she can find a way to earn that.
And...you need to sit down and have an honest talk about money. Not just how much you each make and what the bills are...but expectations and emotions. How does the situation make her feel? How does it make you feel? If you don't feel good about it...what could you both do to make it better?
I think you are justified in
I think you are justified in your feelings about this. My DH and I have a similar set-up where his wages go into the joint account and my wages go into my account.
Does your wife have her own income? If so it is perfectly reasonable to expect her to but her son's gift with her own money. DH and I buy separately for our respective families. I do not know what he spends and vice versa.
I think I would be annoyed if DH said he was colluding to get something with his ex, for sure, even if I wasn't expected to contribute.
I would tell her about your feelings, regardless of the 'confrontation'- how would she feel if you did the same to her?
In the end it wouldn't bother me too much if it was for something practical, as in work, education or driving related matters, but just for the sake of an expensive gift? That would make me cross too.
I would feel the same way and
I would feel the same way and you should bring this up. I agree as other posters have said that if you were also giving a gift why wouldn't you and your wife be in it together for the SS?
Also you can say, technically since the $100 is coming from OUR joint account please ensure my name is signed on the card as well. Done, now you don't have to search for a gift for SS and your point is well taken. I am sure you wouldn't want your name on the card with the ex (or maybe you would) but this will make your wife give some thought to this, and how it makes you feel.
The adult skid is 26 yrs old!
The adult skid is 26 yrs old! This would not be okay with me.
TALK TO HER. With DH and I
TALK TO HER. With DH and I it's been COMPLETELY understood that she's on her own. Nothing from us is from her and nothing from her is from us. We haven't even heard anything from her about wanting to see them Christmas tbh, but if she does, it'll have to be on her own time and her own funds, we aren't responsible for hers.
Even if a big gift was being complicated (big enough that it might need the extra help I guess) I think that's something you definitely discuss with a spouse first.. .Literally like all money decisions... Before DH and I even got married the ex tried to ask him for money because she "couldn't afford gas to get the girls to school" 1) I knew where she worked and din't buy it and 2) NOPE! She's an adult, so she can figure out her own finances. Our finances do NOT mix with hers. If she can't manage her own too bad so sad.
She shouldn't be making these financial decisions without you (or even really discussing this with the ex without you being in the loop imho) but even if she does, she shouldn't be spending your money. She wants to do it, I say she uses her own funds.
Theoretically, I don't have a
Theoretically, I don't have a problem with both parents contributing to the same gift.. like the kid needs a new computer for school.. and parents split the cost. The kid should understand fully that it is a present from both though...How a step parent factors in.. not sure.. I guess I would probably buy a separate gift instead of pitching in with the bio parents. Unless it was a really big gift and kid knows multiple people are making it happen... like a European vacation or something.
Everything about this is so
Everything about this is so wrong! I would feel the same way. Your SS's gift should be from you and your wife. Bio Dad should give his son his own gift. My husband would not go for this if I did something like this. Not sure what your wife is thinking. :?
You definitely need to talk
You definitely need to talk to her since in the past you guys bought him a present from the both of you. It’s OK that your feelings are hurt. Have a respectable talk with her about it. Let us know how it goes.
I talked with her. I told
I talked with her. I told her that I was really hurt that she and her ex are doing Christmas shopping, and I'm completely out of the loop. I told her it really confuses me she she goes to her ex for things, instead of me, and makes me really unsure where I stand. I told her that I felt used because my only role in this seemed to be paying for half of an agreement she and her ex came to, with me completely out of the picture. She understood, and said she was sorry.
The way it came about, turns out, is that her son asked her if she and I would go in with his dad on a new PS4 for his Christmas present. I only found that out today. It isn't the amount of money that matters. It was that she and her ex discussed doing this, with me completely out of the picture, and then I'm handed the bill for half of it. I didn't know what the gift was, or really any of the details. All she told me previously was that she and her ex went in together on her son's present, and she needs to send her ex a check for $100. That was the extent of the information I was given. Left me confused and really hurt my feelings. I told her that I want her to come to me for things instead of going to her ex for them. Doing that leaves me really confused, and makes me feel like she doesn't think I'm good enough or something.
You and your wife should have
You and your wife should have given SS money towards the PS4 and bio Dad could do the same. Then this kid who is old enough could go buy one on his own.
I'm a 28 year old female and
I'm a 28 year old female and I will play video games from time to time. I'm a social worker,full time + kids. So does my SO who is 34 and an electrician. And my BIL who is a corrections officer and is 25 and my sister who holds a BSN and is a RN Manager and she's 25.
I wouldn't worry about his request. We also use our PS to stream Netflix and amazon prime or play DVD's or music. As long as that's not ALL he does there is no problem with a 26 year old playing video games. Sometimes you need to slay a few zombies to decompress or whoop butt at Madden while waiting for the Sunday game to come on.
The point of gifts is getting something you want that you wouldn't buy yourself. Maybe he's spending his money appropriately.
I mean obviously you should
I mean obviously you should voice to her how you are feeling. I wouldn't "confront her" just communicate with her. We don't fight to be right, we fight to be understood. Make sure being understood is your goal. At the same time, I wouldn't make a mountain out of a mole hill just yet. Perhaps her explanation will make logical sense. Give her that chance. And please note that logical and emotional sense are not the same thing. Introspection is everything.
N/A
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No, no, no. Adult skid,
No, no, no. Adult skid, parents divorce 20+ years ago, have nothing in common but said skid. Comunication is no longer an option.
Wife is wrong, she knows it,
Wife is wrong, she knows it, but now trying to turn it around. Both of you should give SS money and let SS buy his own PS 4 and other thing that goes with it .
More important, Your wife should have no contact with EX. If wife is still using the kid who is 26 as an excuse to talk with EX. She will never stop having a relationship with EX. Yes, she not talking, she having a relationship with EX, she may not be sleeping with him but there a connection there. And now it seams it will always be there. Talking behind your back, then telling you.
Of course there's a
Of course there's a connection there. They have a kid together.
I don't know that it's realistic to expect that two people who have a child/children together won't ever talk again after kids hit 18. There are college graduations, weddings, birthdays, shared grandkids. What if the grown child gets sick. Are they not supposed to communicate?
I agree OP should talk to her about it and make his feelings known...but no need to assume nefarious intent or go in guns blazing about 'talking behind his back.'
Twenty-six (26) and still
Twenty-six (26) and still giving gifts together. NOT in our house. We don't buy gifts for the grown adult kids. We send a nice basket for the entire family.
I hate this past/Ex that never ends. What is up with this?
BM is not on our Christmas list, never has been, and never will be.
Sorry, but this is strange in my book.
I completely get this,
I completely get this, Mathfed. My husband did the same thing to me with my SD. I raised that kid for 10 years and just recently she went to BM full-time. So after 10 yrs of me and husband deciding what to get SD for birthday/Christmas, he is suddenly working with BM on what THEY should get her. It's a complete betrayal of everything you thought a marriage was supposed to be.
Your are missing the main
Your are missing the main point.. why is wife talking to her EX.???? The kid is 26. When will the wife and her EX just stop talking to each outher !! They just come up with excuses to talk
****THIS****. My kids are in
****THIS****. My kids are in their mid 20's. I stopped talking to their father when they became adults. If people are able to communicate and cooperate, why did they get divorced? My sadness in my children being adults was enhanced by never having to talk to my ex again.
Would you have been willing
Would you have been willing to foot the bill for the whole gift? Probably not if you resent footing $100 of it. So why not join funds with ex so son can get what he really wants instead of cheaper gifts from each of you that he doesn't want? There's no need for you to get him another gift if your wife makes sure your name is on the "from" tag (although I assure you, steps only think of their parents no matter how big a gesture a stepparent makes so putting your name on the tag won't change his thinking). And as for feeling used because the money is coming from your stash...dude, she didn't buy a gift for her ex with your money. It's her son and you said you would get him a gift anyway. What's the diff? I'm sorry to say I think you're getting the first taste of sitting in the backseat where stepparents often end up. Don't lose your strength fighting these little things. Down the pike when you look back you'll long for the days when the battles were this small.
You said the son's gift was handled differently in other years. Maybe it was handled this way this year because it is a more expensive gift. Either way, a lot of people complain on this site about having to pay for everything for kids who aren't theirs. I think cooperating on a pricier gift makes sense so one household isn't footing the whole bill - which is good for your wallet. And his parents aren't competing to outdo each other, which is also good for your wallet.
I do think you are being petty. You're saying you don't want to contribute if you aren't consulted - that just sounds petty. But more than that, it sounds like son asked for one specific gift and they arranged to get it. How many people does it take to make that decision?
You told your wife how you feel and that's good. She probably had no idea you felt that way and maybe she had no idea how much you care about what gift her son gets from all of you (I'm a little surprised you care so much - usually women get stuck doing all the shopping and wrapping). If you're new and figuring out where you fit into this arrangement, so is she and so is her ex. It will take time to get to a comfortable place - don't make it uncomfortable before you have a chance to get there. Pace yourself. There's more to come.
I wasn't brought in on the
I wasn't brought in on the discussion of the gift at all. I was never given the chance to be ok with the amount, or not to be ok with it. Also, just for clarification, two years ago my wife and I bought her son a camera that was about $500 for Christmas. The camera was my idea. I'm not a scrooge, or a penny pincher. I don't have resentment of footing $100 for a gift for her son. Her son and I get along great, and genuinely enjoy each other's company. The part that bothered me about what happened is that my wife went to her ex to figure out how to make the purchase, with me being completely in the dark. Instead of going to her husband to figure out how we can make it work, she went to her ex-husband. My only role was to figure out how to cover the cost of their decision.
I don't feel I'm being petty by expecting the woman I married to come to me for things she needs, rather than her ex-husband. The amount of the gift didn't really have anything to do with it at all.
I agree. As I said above:
I agree. As I said above: It is one thing for mommy and daddy to go around buying an adult child a gift. It is another thing for remarried mommy and her ex- to go around buying an adult a gift, with mommy's share coming from her left-in-the-dark husband.
You state, "I don't feel I'm being petty by expecting the woman I married to come to me for things she needs, rather than her ex-husband." You are not being petty, but you see, society tends to think whatever BM wants or how BM thinks things should be interpreted is the way things should be interpreted. That’s why I always say the way SPs are usually treated or thought of is a societal issue. Everyone needs to have a Come to Jesus moment re: the unjustified trashing of SPs. It is rampant, even among professionals, for SPs thoughts and feelings to be minimized to the max. You are expected to suck it up and take every time and pay the price for someone else’s divorce. Bio-parents and their kids can pretty much do whatever they want. You, as a SP on the other hand, are supposed to act more like the family pet (minus the love) and be there or be involved only when they want you to be.
I do think you and your wife are doing fine. Like a lot of bio-parents, she just needs to be reminded that she is married to you now (as odd is it may seem that you have to actually remind someone you are married to them, even after you have been married for years). Let her know how you feel. If she comes up with the famous line, “children first,” just remind her that if her children came first to her, she and her ex- would have stayed married and sucked it up and took it vs. divorcing and expecting their new partners or spouses to suck it up and take it.
If our BM wasn't a crazy
If our BM wasn't a crazy bitch, and Killjoy weren't an entitled butthole, I would have no problem with DH going halvsies with BM on a major gift for Killjoy. I also would consider going halvsies with my ex in getting an expensive gift for one of our grown kids.
My issue with your post, OP, is that your SO isn't working, and "can't find a job". That is a red flag.
OP here. Your comment is at
OP here.
Your comment is at the crux of the matter, I think. There are a few issues at play here. My wife feels tremendous guilt about her kids' childhoods. Guilty father syndrome is talked about a lot here. There is also guilty mother syndrome, and I think my wife suffers from it pretty severely. My impression is that she is trying to make up for her kids' childhoods, now that they are adults. Even though her oldest is 26, she still talks about him like he is a little kid. In my opinion, she also treats him like he is still 8 years old. She jumps in to solve his problems for him. Until about 2 years ago, I think she covered most of his living expenses. Her son lived with his uncle for about 4 months last year. The uncle expected that he pay some rent. My wife was furious at him for expecting her son to contribute. Her son bounces from job to job, and from place to place. I think he is overdue to start being a grownup. I get along fine with her oldest son. Her youngest son and I have nothing to do with each other. Her youngest son, who is 19, is flat out-abusive to her when she doesn't cave to what he wants. He has punched and kicked our walls in when he was expected to mow the grass. He has said enough horrible things to me that I've completely disengaged from him. He is the elephant in the room in our relationship. He's dropped out of high school, uses drugs, has extreme rage issues, and gets violent. He doesn't come in the house.
My wife is almost physically unable to talk about finances. She prefers to remain in the dark on what our expenses are, for example. To my knowledge, she never checks our accounts to see what is in them. I am the only one that puts any money in our accounts. This puts me in a really difficult position. It ends up being my income that is used to cover everything. My paycheck is covering the cost of all of Christmas, for everyone. The $100 for the oldest son isn't the only gift for him.
My wife and I had another conversation last night about all of this. She was in tears, her face was red, and she wouldn't even look at me through most of it. I have no idea what was causing this kind of reaction. I told her that I wanted to have a conversation so that we can come to a solution that works for us as a couple. I told her that I think it would good if she went back to work. It feels really unfair to me to be responsible for everything, while she has the freedom to remain in the dark about everything financially. I really didn't like having to be the one to figure out how to cover the cost of purchases she and her ex are making together. I asked her if a solution where each of us are responsible for the costs associated with our own kids is acceptable to her. She said that it is, but she was crying the whole time. I asked if it felt unfair to her if we agree to cover the costs of our own kids, but we can each give gifts or whatever if we want to. She said that was fine, but she wasn't looking at me, was crying, and her face was beet red. I said that she and I need to be able to talk about finances without it becoming a meltdown. I kept saying that I'm just trying to talk things out to find a solution that works for us, and really didn't understand the reaction I was getting. I left the conversation really confused. We need to be able to talk about finances, but she really loses it emotionally when we do. It crossed my mind that she is using this kind of emotional reaction to keep me from talking about finances with her. After we talked, she went to the couch and said she now has a migraine. My feelers are definitely out in case I'm being played for a fool here. Still pretty confused.
I think you may have bigger
I think you may have bigger problems than this $100. If your wife isn't working and has been supporting this deadbeat, her reaction to the discussion of finances would raise some SERIOUS red flags for me. I hate to sound this untrusting but I think I would go through the account carefully and also check to see if any new credit card accounts have been opened up in my name. I hope not.
Trust your instincts here-
Trust your instincts here- your DW is trying to compensate for her parental failures, but you didn't create this situation she has with her kids, so forget that you can fix it. It is an issue many SPs have to deal with. I sometimes think I was brought into my relationship with DH to provide a rival to BM, because she had so much influence over his kids. I backed off when I realised that I had no part to play in these people's lives.
I'm sorry your DW was unable to have an objective conversation with you and maybe she is playing you, but I think you have to think about your own situation too.You say you feel responsible for everything- and in that sense you are almost treating her like a child. I assume she has worked at some point in her life, and her getting her own money would put your relationship on a more equal footing.
I don't really think this is about your SS but more about how you and DH organise your lives.
A lot of what you say here
A lot of what you say here rings true to me. I've always been a stable guy, and I think my wife had expectations that I would be able to turn her boys around by being a positive influence for them. I'm starting to understand that those horses were out of the barn long before I ever arrived on the scene. I've only been married once before. My first marriage lasted over 20 years. I know about the balance of give and take, and that sometimes one partner has to carry the other one for a while when things get bad. I've been carrying everything for a while now, allowing my wife to get back on her feet. Her last relationship, which lasted for about 10 years, was really bad toward the end. Her partner stood aside, and watched her go down in flames basically. She and I have known each other since we were kids. She's my best friend, and I'm trying to show her what a real loving relationship can be like. She came into the relationship with a lot of financial trouble, and we've worked together to get most of that sorted out. She has worked off and on, but hasn't for the last year and a half or so. It's probably time she start working again. Before she and I got together, she was working three jobs and barely making ends meet. She worked herself to a ragged state, while her partner didn't lift a finger to help. She eventually had no choice but to file bankruptcy, and her partner stood there and let that happen when he could have helped. She was, frankly, exhausted for a while when we started out. I wanted to give her time to regroup, catch her breath, and realize she doesn't need to work herself to death to survive. I make a good living, and was happy to give her time to coalesce, if that makes sense.
I am slowly coming to the realization that I am unable to fix the situation between my wife and her sons. I threw myself into this 110%, trying to be the best role model I could be for them. It's really their issue to sort out.
Stability can sometimes
Stability can sometimes cancel out chaos- but it came as a revelation to me that what I hadn't put in motion I could not stop. My DH is also a stable (almost inert!) kind of guy, but his family life is chaotic. He seems to have accepted that- he keeps doing stuff for them and doling out the money on a regular basis. I stand aside and am no longer involved in it.
Like you, I was married for twenty years and left because I realised I could not still the storm. Some people choose chaos over order because after a while they become addicted to it and seek to recreate it wherever they are.
I think you are beginning to distance yourself from this situation, and that is the only way you can be objective about things. You seem like a good guy, and I think your DW probably appreciates that but maybe has no way of relating to an ordered, calm and rational way of living after all the turbulence she has been through. You have to allow her to make her own choices too. I hope you stay around and let us know how you get on.
If I go to my SD's wedding
If I go to my SD's wedding and unknowingly to either my husband or I, I am seated away from my husband of 14 years, while my husband, again unknowingly, is told by the minister to walk his ex- down the aisle just seconds before the ceremony, which he does (more out of shock than anything else), and then he is plopped up front next to his ex-, and then later when wedding pictures are taken, none are taken (or permitted) of me and my husband and SKs of 14 years. . . If I'm upset with that--both me and my husband, by the way--in that case am I being insecure and denying my husband's autonomy? OR, like MY professional counselor stated, is that one of the most disgusting things ever heard of? Because, it is not lost on me at all that some counselors would have just loved to have labeled my insecurities as the issue and wrap everything up in a little bow for themselves. Fortunately, not all are that way. Some are open-minded and recognize a marriage as a marriage.
OP here. I've been thinking
OP here.
I've been thinking about this more over the last few days. My feelings aren't really any less hurt than they were a few days ago. I feel really devalued as my wife's husband, and that I am standing in the shadow of her ex. I've talked with my wife about it a few more times so that she understands how this made me feel. I asked her to please leave my name off of the gift. This is really a present from Mom and Dad. I didn't really have anything to do with it.
Heck, I’m still trying to
Heck, I’m still trying to recuperate from the world’s biggest pie being thrown in my face at my SD’s wedding about 3 ½ years ago. I’ve come a long way in the sense that I understand now, and what I understand is that SPs are expected to suck it up and take every time and pay the price for someone else’s divorce. Bio-parents and their kids can pretty much do whatever they want. You, as a SP on the other hand, are supposed to act more like the family pet and be there or be involved only when they want you to be.
And, there is rampant, and I mean rampant ignorance about what a SP’s main role is. Here is something that was posted on this site in 2009, from an adult SK:
“Is it ok to exclude stepparents from "our" events, like our birthday parties, graduations, weddings, etc.? Is it a good idea? On one hand, yes, it is our event, so we do get the final say in who is invited. However, if I were to invite my dad, mom, friends, stepsiblings, or anyone else I know to an event, and didn't extend the invite to their SOs/spouses, there's a chance the people I truly want there won't go. My stepmother is not someone I'm close to, or ever will be. However, I don't want to run the risk of hurting my dad's feelings by not inviting her. I also wouldn't want anyone inviting me to an event, but excluding DH. I guess I feel that if you want to not invite your SPs, that is fine, but be prepared for a) Dad to not attend and quite possibly b) for YOUR partner to be excluded from events.”
I see no recognition whatsoever from this adult that stepmom is her dad’s wife, and not in name only. It appears to be okay to run the risk of her own father not attending and her own partner to possibly be excluded from events in the future. Apparently, any of that is okay, just so long as it doesn’t affect her and HER perfectly-planned event (regardless of whom may be actually paying for it, I imagine). She's in for a big surprise.
It’s freeing when SM learns to put her foot down, control what she can control, and even disengage. You don’t have to pay the price for someone else’s divorce, if you don’t want to. That is what I’ve been learning the past 3 ½ years. If society excepts me to act more like the family pet vs. dad’s wife, fine. But, I don’t have to drink that Koolaid, that’s for sure. I now only go to events with my DH if I feel like it. If I don’t feel like it, he can go alone. And, one thing I know for sure, is if by accident or design, If I ever find myself being treated like I was treated at my SD’s wedding 3 ½ years ago, I will unleash such a spitting hell on anyone within 20 feet of me that it will be the talk of the town for the next 20 years. And, I don’t care. Because I know I am my husband’s wife. If other adults have a problem with that, they get to pay the ignorance fee. Not me. And, yes, anytime the ex- is being treated as SO #1 over the spouse, a SP is going to feel like sloppy seconds and “what the hell did I get myself into!” And, this has nothing to do with insecurities. What it has to do with is you are excepting to be treated like the spouse you are. You are expecting to be treated like you are married because YOU ARE MARRIED. No one marries and expects to be treated like the family punching bag. Not once, not twice, and certainly not 1000+ times.
Really! Do these divorced people and counselors think they are so great and so wonderful that everything, everything is supposed to revolve around their wants and needs and their children’s wants and needs, no matter how negatively it may affect others. Hell!, they divorced! They should suffer for it. And, I got news for you. Part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high is because it’s been made so easy. And, here, people are trying to make it even easier for them by implying that the sun, earth and moon, and the new spouse, should all revolve around the initial family's own personal wants and needs. Some innocent party who comes along after the fact and falls in love and marries one of these divorced parents, shouldn’t have their pain minimized, or be accused of being an insecure problem-maker outsider, when in actuality, who wouldn’t be upset if they were treated more like a family pet than their spouse’s spouse? As SPs, we deserve to have a real marriage!!! A real marriage!! If anyone doesn't get this and wants to keep up their asinine ignorance about all of the shame and guilt and suffering that is heaped on SPs every @#$@# day over a divorce they had no control over, then shame on you is all I can say. And, in turn, I’ll pray every day that in your next life you are reincarnated as a SP so you can experience firsthand the same pain and feelings of betrayal that many of us have had to suffer through for years and years and years!!
And, please, no one respond below and say, “Oh, I had an evil SP.” Yes, we all know there are evil SPs, just like there are evil parents, evil uncles, evil grandparents and so on. Just because someone had an evil parent, it doesn’t make them all that way. And, just because someone had an evil SP, it doesn’t make them all that way. Most SPs are kind, loving people, who try their best to deal with and keep a crumbled family going. Most are tired of getting their asses beat too, over something that they had no control or say over.
I am interested to hear about
I am interested to hear about the SD wedding. A time I am dreading...
Here are a couple of links to
Here are a couple of links to wedding hell stories, including my own (see bottom of pg. of 1st link):
https://www.steptalk.org/node/227168
http://ths.gardenweb.com/discussions/2614742/step-mother-wedding-etiquette
http://www.nextavenue.org/advice-stepmother-bride/
http://ths.gardenweb.com/discussions/2625819/step-daughters-wedding
All I can say is, wedding etiquette is an oxymoron for SMs. Some of the ridiculous stepmother wedding etiquette sites out there talk about seating SM as per how BM and SM get along. What the hell!? No one at a wedding is seated by how they get along with anyone. They are seated by whom they are coupled with, and bio-dad and his wife, SM are a couple. There is little to zero mention of SM’s husband (bio-dad) whatsoever, but that doesn’t surprise me. Bio-dads at weddings are pretty much seen as as much of a worthless tool as SM is (as can be evidenced by my experiences). And, this is considering that bio-dad and SM may have each contributed funding to the event. We both did for my SD’s wedding.
Anyway, my only other advice besides you might want to think about a spa day vs. attending, is to try to get some idea of what is expected of you, what to wear, where you will be sitting, etc. ahead of time. But, I have even read stories where bio-dad and SM were told one thing, and then another occurred at the time of the event. I’m always amazed by how many people imply SMs should somehow know that they are going to more than likely be treated like a piece of gum on the bottom of someone’s shoes at these types of events. Heck!, I knew my SD for 14 years, and I was thrilled to be going to her wedding with my husband and enjoying her special day. I expected to go and be treated like his wife, because I was his wife. I wasn’t expecting to go and be treated like a scabies-ridden dog who accidentally wandered into the church and needed to continually be shooed away.
Yep, it is very interesting indeed that BM and bio-dad chose to divorce and are no longer a couple, but society thinks any time BM or any of her children wants to use their dad as some kind of tool or fake husband, that can be done any time, any whim. They don’t even need dad’s permission, much less SMs. In reality, parents don't need to pretend to be married to be parents. And, no one gets to pretend, for even one day, that someone else’s marriage doesn’t exist. Now, wouldn’t you think if anyone would be respectful of someone else’s marriage, it’d be someone about to get married themselves? But, no. Society has trained many well to think that any marriage or fornication that took place and produced children = REAL marriage, even years after a divorce. On the other hand, a divorced dad and his spouse being in love and perfectly suited for each other = fake marriage. And, even if divorced dad and SM go on to have “ours” children, the children from the initial marriage will be seen as being more real than those from the following marriage. So, to me, it really even isn’t about the kids. It is about having someone to bully and beat up and blame for the divorce, or whatever, and in the year 2017, society as a whole endorses this. SM = family punching bag, and her little “ours” children too.
idvilen, i loved you post.
idvilen, i loved you post. you echoed every thing i feel about step life and skids.
i got to sit next to dh at the wedding in the pew. at least i was not stuck in the back like a mistress.
i laughed to myself to see sd come down the aisle with her father with a goofy laugh on her face. she was stuffed into a spagheti strap dress that would have looked better on someone weighing 50 pounds less. she also laughed during the service and as her groom put the wedding ring on her finger. she thought the wedding was a joke. you could tell the priest was trying to make sense of this. then she came onto the reception hall holding and waving her bouquet like it was an olympic torch and that she won a huge prize.
now she had a baby, is a big a whale and just got canned from her job. pay back sucks for her big time.
and counselors dont have a clue about step life. most (not all) evil sms are made not born. after the repeated slaps in the face you can become quite calloused and eventually not care at all. i did my best when the skids were very young and watched them all grow up to be mean, greedy, self centred jerks. karma has already worked on some of them.
great post!
One of my best friends used
One of my best friends used to call me and laugh about the "fat brides" in the society section every weekend. Whether from a divorced home or an intact home why do some of these brides post pictures that are so unflattering?
OMG! Sorry for the book.
OMG! Sorry for the book. OK, I’ve had a couple of people message me and ask me for more details about what went down at my SD’s wedding, so here goes. I tend to get long-winded, so I’ve just included the major snubs and not the more minor ones. Generally, when I post I focus on feelings rather than details, because you always, always get someone picking at the details and trying to flippantly explain them away. Such as a SM might say, “My SS pulled a loaded gun on me and pointed it right at me!,” and some non-step will blog back and say. “Have you thought that maybe your SS didn’t know the gun was loaded and that maybe he just accidentally pointed it at you? Really, you are making way too much of this. . . blah, blah, blah.” Yep, even on a site clearly meant for step-parents to vent we are not safe and will be thought of as hysterical, over-reactive women. After all, everyone BUT a SM knows how SMs should act, right?
My husband and I had been married for 14 years at the time of my step-daughter's wedding, and I was anxiously anticipating sharing her special day with my DH and many others. We both attended the rehearsal dinner the night before and even sat with the minister and his wife, and nothing about the below was brought up, even remotely. I just assumed I was going to be with my husband/my spouse (as you would expect any wife to expect at an event—to be with her husband). I didn’t know at the time that as far as most were concerned, even though I had been married to my husband for 14 years, his ex- still got first dibs on him.
The day came, and I was treated like the infamous Invisible Woman and then some. After my husband and I arrived and my husband took off (which I expected—as FOB he certainly had things to do), I was given no further direction by anyone. I sat and sat and waited and waited. I was hoping to at least get in a couple of pictures. Next thing I know, guests were starting to arrive, and the bridal party was still MIA. Cell phones were turned off. Eventually, I was left to wander around and find my own seat just prior to the ceremony. I had no idea of how or where I was supposed to sit with my DH MIA. After I sat down, a few minutes into the ceremony, I saw my husband walking down the aisle hand-in-hand with his ex-! (This was something my counselor said she had never heard of so many years after a divorce.) THAT was when I found out what the seating arrangement was—same for my DH. I found out later, he had no clue this was coming. Not one iota. Apparently, the minister came up to my husband just as he finished handing out programs and said to him, as the entrance music was starting to play, "Go take your ex's hand and walk her down the aisle." I was so-o pissed at my DH that day for not looking out for me. He, I and others certainly could have done more, looking at it in hindsight. But, to literally Shanghai dad into playing some sort of scripted role that he didn’t even see coming and didn’t even want to play, come on!? Any adult should have known better.
And, there was a huge, huge issue with picture-taking. I mean, all I wanted was one picture with my husband and I and the bride and groom, but step-son was the wedding photographer, and despite him "pretending" to take a couple of pictures, he basically refused to give us any. My husband even called him up and asked him personally, and he still would not. Yep, Uncle Harry's mail-order bride of two weeks, I'm sure, would have been included in any family pictures along with him. Even in that case, it would have been considered rude not to have included Uncle Harry's spouse. BUT, dad's wife of 14 years--nope!
There’s more, but trying to make a long story, short. To top it off, BM had the audacity to bring her latest BF along, the same one she was having an affair with years ago while she was still married to DH! BTW, DH and I were married longer than he and his ex- were, and both of us contributed funds to the wedding. But, I don’t necessarily count that, because a married couple should be treated like a married couple, regardless. So, whether we were married for two weeks or 10 years or whether either of us contributed funds to the wedding, really should be irrelevant.
For you non-steps, yep, that’s right. I got all upset and hysterical over just an hour-long ceremony and a couple of pictures. I’m Evil SM. I know how that goes. I saw one wedding etiquette site state, “Don’t be surprised if you’re forgotten.” Really? Trust me, if anyone forgets dad is married to someone else now, it was because they accidentally on purpose forgot. And, I’m not talking about SM being up there lighting the unity candle along with BM or anything else along those lines. I’m just talking about dad and his wife getting to sit together at both the wedding and reception, just like any other couple would get to do.
To invite a couple to an event, and then hook up one of the invitees/dad with a different person and expect him to leave his real date or wife behind. How incredibly rude is that!? Yet, this is more or less what some stepmother wedding etiquette sites recommend. Funny that they only seem to recommend it with SMs, tho. Case in point: Two weeks after my SD’s wedding, I attended my niece's wedding. My brother (her uncle) attended with his date (who was not well known to any one at the time), and his date was told to sit in the family section along with my brother. No questions asked. They were immediately accepted and treated like a couple. So, how in God's name a boyfriend/girlfriend of some twice removed relative can be automatically seated in the family section as a date, but for dad's wife of XX many years or SO it is considered some sort of controversy is beyond me. Total, total discrimination.
In reality, 86’ing SM or acting like it is okay for her to be forgotten should have never been permitted by anyone with any sense of etiquette. Even in the year 1917 much less 2017. I’m actually kind of fascinated with how some SMs are treated at weddings, because I find it so archaic, literally like something out of the dark ages or the Handmaid’s Tale, and incredibly, incredibly rude. Not all SMs are treated like the invisible ho at weddings, of course. Some are respected and treated as dad’s wife/date, as they should be. But, the fact that anyone would think SM’s placement turns on BM’s or anyone else’s whim vs. SM being rightfully and correctly placed next to her spouse is beyond me.
I have been fortunate enough
I have been fortunate enough to not yet cross this bridge. I will highly be contemplating not going as I am 100% positive, I will not be able to retain my composure as you did.
You were absolutely set up on
You were absolutely set up on that one Idvilen. And blindsided as well. Sounds like they calculated the entire scenario for no other reason than to be hurtful and throw their weight around in a power play. Had I been your husband I never would have gone along with their plans even though they apparently used the minister (oh dear God!) to blindside him as well. I'd never participate in something so calculated and mean-spirited toward anyone much less my husband. But I also know my own husband wouldn't have given it a second thought in that he's never had the courage or the common decency to come to my defense after all these years. He just expects me to continue taking whatever bs they dish out. I dodged a bullet last year by refusing to attend a GS's wedding. Not going was the only way I could think of to minimize opportunities for them to use me for their amusement. I'm sorry you had to experience such hatefulness. I can relate to this all too well.
Not that I fault you one bit
Not that I fault you one bit as you sat there in shock - but I am enough of a bitch that I probably would have stood up, run down the aisle and yanked my DH and his ex's hands apart - yelling "keep your paws off of MY husband you skank."
Of course I will never have to deal with this. BM's DH (the ex heroin addict) is ultra possessive of her. He'd be knocking me down to separate them long before I would get to the aisle. And then there's the fact that I would NEVER attend a wedding for SS. Coupled with the fact they were probably never get married, and I probably wouldn't be invited anyway.
That is truly horrible. I'm
That is truly horrible. I'm a stepdad. I think your husband should have refused to go along with all of that. I would have insisted that my wife and I be together, or I don't participate in the ceremony. Thinking of what I would have done in your shoes, I would have gotten up, called a cab, and went home. Your husband should have been going the extra mile to look after you that day. As a husband, my opinion is that he really dropped the ball. I would have gotten up and left.
Also, if I was in your husband's shoes, it would have made my physically ill to be asked to hold my ex's hand. There is no way I could have gone along with that. My wife would be at my side, or no one would be.
Thank you Mathfed. I would
Thank you Mathfed. I would have left, but I drove another couple to the wedding, and I did not want to abandon them and make them find their own ride home, which is somewhat ironic considering how I was treated. However, this didn't prevent me from thinking about it, and going out to my car at one point and shutting the door and screaming !@#$!@# at the top of my lungs for about 5 minutes. And, after the ceremony, I did pull my DH into the woman's restroom, locked the door, and read him the riot act }:). I can actually laugh at some of this now, which means I must be coming to terms with it. But, it won't be happening again, that's for sure.
I'll admit my DH is a confrontational coward, and I, even more so now, am stronger in this area than him. If there is anything I learned from this, it is that if you see a social injustice going on, no matter where and no matter who is present, you speak up! And, I will and have.
In hindsight, sometimes I think that is the caveat of the Wedding Anti-SM Campaign Movement--to get SM to leave. I don't know. Anyway, in the future hubby is on his own at any so-called family events where the usual suspects are all present and gleefully armed. He will be in total terror, being in the viper's den alone. Given the possibility of any confrontation, he won't be staying long, if even going, without his wife/ buffer there. (And, by the way, his wife/ buffer is me, his wife of 14 years and not his ex-.) But, that is his burden to carry alone now. As along as everyone played nice, I was fine sucking it up and taking it. Those days are over for me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.