Family Counseling???

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So last time DH was with SD and her hubby and kids - after the vacation invite where she excluded me, I didn't attend an informal Bday get together for Sgkid and DH as I was very upset and angry at SD. I don't know what she thought, that it would just roll off and I would ignore her rude mean behaviour. Anyway she suggested to DH that maybe we should ALL go to family counseling to try to fix the family. By the way she is 37 years old going on 12.

This would include her DH too who is really not involved in this directly - it was mainly DH, her and me in a nasty triangle that I removed myself from. I left DH and SD to their own little weird relationship and I want no part of it as long as she continues to be rude.

I literally had a panic attack when DH mentioned this, as things have been fine in my opinion since I disengaged - very little stress now. Basically they want to pull me back into the fire and I KNOW I WILL GET BURNED.

Has anyone tried this family counseling with adult SD's who hate their SM and just trying to convince a third party that are justified in how they behave? No good can come of this - am I right????

having trouble posting

Removing yourself from the

Removing yourself from the triangle often causes people like this to escalate.

They are only trying to pull

They are only trying to pull you back into the crazy.

Never. I mean NEVER go to therapy with an abuser no matter who they are.

It will lead to an ambush or lend even more skills to the artful manipulator to use on others.

BTDT but when skid was a teen.

This is just

This is just ridiculous.

She's the one with all the hate, she's the one who needs counseling. On her own.

She's just trying to drag everybody else into her dysfunction so she doesn't have to admit that she's the one with the problem.

Yes.

Congratulations, OP, you are

Congratulations, OP, you are on to SDs game. And yes, you're right. She's desperate to re-engage you most likely because it isn't fun to have a conflict-relationship with someone who isn't playing along.

Short of some type of life-changing, come-to-Jesus, snot-dripping mascara-running apology occurs from the SD, I'd stay disengaged. She doesn't want to change. She wants to change YOU.

Or maybe control you. When

Or maybe control you.

When you pull yourself out of it she no longer has a captive plaything in the name of family.

Desperate ploy on her part to CONTROL.

It seems you have already

It seems you have already been given the right advice, ie have nothing to do with family counselling. It was suggested by my DH, after a particularly bad bust up with my SDs, age 17 and 19. I tentatively said I would consider it - but it would never have happened anyway. Either my SDs never would have turned up at all, or one or both of them would have stormed out during the first session. Either way, it never happened and never will now, at least not with me. I changed my mind.

I have been to a couple

I have been to a couple of counselors over the past 3 years for various reasons due to BS and Dh and SD plus spoke to my DR. All basically gave the same advice to me, for my health and well- being, stay away from her and remove myself from the triangle.

I told DH THAT I already went to counseling to learn how to deal with the matter and I think its time SD goes to counseling on her own to figure out why she hates me so much.

Edited to add, DH and I also went to marriage counselling in the past 2years and he was directed to stop elevating SD in our marriage, as in equal say and status as his wife. He was told this is wrong on so many levels.

Someone here has a tag line

Someone here has a tag line that reads something like the person who is constantly looking for fight is really fighting themselves or something like that.

For some reason it just stuck with me.

Makes me think people like that are fighting or hating themselves but misplacing their anger onto us.

You would think if they have enough going for them and they are successful enough in tbeir own lives that they could be thankful for what they have and move on.

But for whatever reason they just choose to keep stirring the pot instead.

Must really suck to be them but hey it's not our problem to figure out it's theirs.

To really dig and find out what the problem is takes of of time and is quite painful.

Much easier to blame others and refuse to own your shit.

Exactly! P.S. Love your

Exactly! P.S. Love your tag!

Doesnt it make you sad that

Doesnt it make you sad that you were NOT the bitchy little SD always pissing off the SM and you STILL lost out on a relationship with your dad? What kind of reward for good behavior is that? Makes me angry at your father because he just doesnt know how good he had it.

What in the hell is wrong

What in the hell is wrong with your DH?!!! HE is the one with the problem. Last week he couldn't wait 5 minutes after picking you up at the airport from a week away from home. Now he 'delivers' the message that SD wants to go to counseling with SD, you and him? I think it's time to shoot the messenger. Look him square in the eye and say, "It's not going to work. Discussion finished." I think your DH should go to a therapist by himself to find out why he keeps acting so passively aggressive with you. It's HIM not SD.

/

I also told DH we need

I also told DH we need to work on our marriage and my relationship with SD is not my priority at this time. we barely go two weeks without a Sd matter. Way too soon to even consider trying again with SD, quite possibly never as life is much to short for toxic family members.

After 27 years of being a

After 27 years of being a stepdad to 4 kids I wish I had got out of my marriage long ago. I was a fool for ever getting into this. What a waste of years. I love my wife but one can only take so much. Parent will always support their child even when they know they are a rude control freak little 34 year old bitch. Always a outsider no matter what you do for them. I am considering telling my wife that we move a couple hours away from the nasty one or I will alone. Come with me or stay behind with a divorce to follow.
If in question get out now before you waste years and years and end up with the same results.

Almost there now. Going

Almost there now. Going on 23 years. If I had a crystal ball I would never have married my DH either. At this stage in my life I don't want any stress or head games.

So 20YearsAsAStep-Mom, are

So 20YearsAsAStep-Mom, are you going to stick it out and hope for the best or get out while you still have a chance of meeting someone you can be happy with? I am in the process of making that decision right now. Years of the SD stress is not healthy and will catch up someday.

Some days I want to run

Some days I want to run and start over, and then I think why should I disrupt my life style and comfort over a B$& :-ch that now lives 2 hours away and is not a part of our daily life.

Hard to know what the best move is.

YES! You are right.

YES! You are right. 37-year-old mini wife with her own DH?! WTF. I feel bad for you, honey. Nasty bitch is trying to suck you back in! Stay disengaged! Someone mentioned there is a Disengagement essay on this site. Find it. Read it. Live it!

o

I would rather eat nails than

I would rather eat nails than be in a counseling session with my dad and SM. Sometimes I think it would be helpful to have a session with my dad so that we can talk about the tough stuff in an efficient way. But, SM has nothing to do with our problems and honestly, that is something many stepchildren need to realize.

Thanks for saying it!!!!!

(No subject)

YES! Generic I agree. In

YES! Generic I agree. In my case the SD's dysfunction and problems really have nothing to do with me. I am the scapegoat.

Both Sd's could benefit from counseling but that is on them.

You know, 20years, i started

You know, 20years, i started out reading this thread with one frame of mind and ended with another

Where I am at is the same place you are: vicious OSD, spouting hate at DH and Me - she can go to hell in a basket for all i care. Therapy? She needs it, not anyone else. She is being divisive and trying to hurt as much as she can. We stay away from her.

But if a 37yo (immature) mother-of-the-family suggests family therapy FOR ALL ... can that be a veiled sign that she is interested in having a relationship with the two of you but does not know how? A cry for help? Which is still coming from a disturbed person, but can you engage with her in a controlled format, in a limited way? Can she be also tired of dysfunction? Is it possible that she wants peace?

When DH and BM went to mediation last summer before ending up in court, I interviewed several mediators on his behalf, and found an interesting couple - she is a lawyer, he an LCSW. They tried to help DH and the b*tch find common ground, but of course, it could not work. The guy mentioned though that they sometimes do family mediation; he obviously wanted to help DH restore ties with skids. Mediation is NOT the same as therapy. It is short term, not oriented towards digging for underlying reasons, tends to be more hands-on, practical and asks, how-do-we-solve-this-problem kind of thing. I liked the mediator a lot. Not sure if this is wide-spread, but I would be tempted to give it a try.

Throughout my career, i have attended many mediation session in a different field, and the beauty of them is, the mediator sets the terms. The rules of engagement are clearly delineated from the start, and it is ONLY on those terms that you go forward. No one is allowed to interrupt, bad-mouth, everyone is expected to be courteous, etc. At times the meditors can caucus with parties, or meet separately. Basically, it is about the terms of engagement going forward: this is what we would like, this is what the other side wants. Where is common ground? No one gets all they want - it's about wise compromising. An well qualified outsider can help.

May sound naive... but may work.

You sound very wise, Pilgrim.

some great responses,

some great responses, thanks.

Pilgrim I know what I want, minimal contact with SD!

It is as simple as that. She does not want peace, never has. Everytime she is with her dad , even now she is negative, critical and looks for things to stir the pot. DH gets sucked in by her and her misery becomes his misery.

They were too enmeshed but DH sees her less now that we have moved. We are moving in the right direction albeit very slowly.

I would be quite content to never lay eyes on her again.

Edited to add: SD has been trying to break DH and I up for years and convince him to leave me. This is not something I can easily forgive.

counseling is a bad idea

counseling is a bad idea unless counselor KNOWS about stepparents issues. most counselors just say for stepmoms to love and parent the children. really?

the father should be the one to have the guts to parent his own brood and demand the children respect his wife. that does not often happen and that is why so many skids run over their fathers wives without fear.

No. Absolutely not. No way in

No. Absolutely not. No way in hell. Negative. Nope and HELL NO!!

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