Welcome to our StepWorld!

UGH. You put up with that treatment for HOW long?????
Sounds like they are just horrible. Where does it say that parents are required to be doormats for their kids?

Sit your DH down TODAY and tell him:
You will send SD information on hotels/car/restaurants - not because she cant Google for herself mind you, but as a definite message that she and her brood WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT be staying with you and DH. The first SD might tell the second what their trip was like staying with you, so it might create a little stir, but perhaps a little more honest communication is necessary for everyone involved.

Hope the next visitation works out better for you, Green!

I know it is really difficult, but you would be much less irritated if you addressed these things yourself, closer to the time. By biding your time, your irritation grows, because they don't stop!. By addressing the issues with DH, your irritation grows since it's not HIM annoying you. And ultimately, you put yourself in a powerless position.

If you confront the SD et al., you'll be anxious about it... but that's still more comfortable than how you're feeling now. Even if you get pushback, you'll be more comfortable because you drew a clear boundary.

Every time the children are rude, say so. "Gifts are to be appreciated, not expected." "Complaining is rude, dear." "People who tell me I'm supposed to give them presents don't get any presents."

When SD emails with an extensive and exclusive shopping list, "I'm sorry, dear, we don't usually buy those items. I'm sure you will be able to pick them up somewhere once you arrive though."

Eating all day long, "In this house we have set mealtimes. You're welcome to have a snack anytime, of course, but please tidy up after yourselves, and make sure you leave enough for everyone else to enjoy as well."

Not being good guests, "It's been lovely having you stay with us this trip, but it's been a lot of work and cost us a lot of money. We'd love to keep the door open for you and your family in the future. Why don't your reimburse us a token amount for gas and groceries, say $200?"

I would recommend not being available for the next visit. She clearly has to give you some type of warning so next time just say "OH sorry SD, but that time won't work for us" You don't owe them any further explanation than that. If they press, then you tell them you have plans to go out of town to visit friends and the house is being bombed for bugs. That will keep them from wanting to stay while you are "away". Or you could limit their visit to 2 days. Tell them you would LOOOVE to see them, but they can only stay for two days because you have other obligations to attend to.

NO way I would offer up my home for a week for people who clearly don't appreciate it or you.

Oh, there is an easy way to fix this.....visit them; turn the tables completely and make certain you have various dietary restrictions etc. shared ahead of time and no car. You could even take a guest or two with you and do not lift a finger or offer to go out to dinner.

I doubt you will have to experience this mess again, after you impose greatly upon them. if they get to experience an equal amount of expense and fun-- at their own home, waiting hand and feet on you and your family.

Make certain you have at least 4 people in your visiting party too.

This is what I would do IF IF IF my own adult bios tried to pull this.

I would print out extended stay hotels in our area and give them TO HER.
"This should help you decide where you decide to stay. DAD and I have decided once we retire our family hotel is closed :). I am sure you understand. You can order all of your special meals from the Piggly Wiggly. When YOU pay for it they will also deliver it to your room for free.

'Oh by the way WE will take you and Stu(assuming that is her hubbys name , and the kids out to eat for dinner at xyz' one Sunday at 4p please check their menu'

OP, I have an adult who is married to a wonderful wonderful spouse AND I am a newer Grandmother. There is no way, I mean NO way my own kids would do this to me. I would not allow anyone in my house who is so demanding.
Your problem if you don't put your foot down.

IT IS OK to say no. At our age it is time to relax a little---just a litte since I still have minor bio's I am also raising!!!

PS Weird that you were not made aware even in passing of their dire medical needs and strict dietary requirements.

Heck I know co-workers who have restrictions whom I barely know and THEY are not family.

This is odd.

OH my goodness-0---don't you have some vacation time YOU can go book yourself into a posh hotel with bar and spa. I would be tempted to let my hubby deal with this.

And that is a true statement.

Frankly the next time one of the kids calls to let you know they will be visiting, ask them if they are making the hotel reservations or would they like you to. (assume they are not staying with you)

Also let them know you already have a list of restaurants and local (sight seeing) activities for them

Sounds like you are trying way too hard to please these insensitive parasites.

I think a lot more of this should be down to DH to solve. It is hard to believe they would just buy tickets without communicating first. Are you sure that he didn't issue a general invitation in the past without remembering to tell you? So many men of this generation just expect the domestic stuff to be taken care of, and think that cooking, hosting, cleaning is woman's work and they can sit and smoke their pipe while the guests mingle around.

It is your husband who needs to understand your boundaries and who needs to have a good understanding of what is to be offered to his relatives. Of course, if your own kids are allowed to stay then it's hard to exclude his. You may need a frank conversation with him to prepare for next time although dissing his spawn will only get his back up. The answer is, make your hostessing services unavailable, and make that clear to him.

Maybe agree to a communication with them before they leave, or by email that says...we enjoyed seeing you all, but it really tired us out to the point where next time we think it's best you stay near by from now on...you can eat crow and say you are getting too ancient to host visitors.

I would respond "tough titties" to any special dietary requests. Make em buy their own. They are ultimately responsible for what goes in their own mouths! Please dont say you are cooking for them. That's being a doormat. Why?

Do not keep car insurance that allows them to drive your car. Or get a two seater. That's exactly what we did when skids started finding excuses to borrow our van. We just bought a sports car and made it off limits to borrowers. They were so shocked we even hid the keys when we went away so they didn't come in the house and borrow it. And they had the gall to ask why we hadn't left the keys! (I took them on the trip with me)

Entitled brats need to face firm limits at any age.

If you had plans already... you and DH should have stuck with those plans and informed the SKid and her family to come another time .... stipulated by you and DH.

On one hand I can understand wanting my home to be open to my kid anytime he wants to visit... however.... he needs to be polite enough to call before buying tickets for a visit to make sure we will be home.

Your supposedly adult Skid missed that part of growing up apparently.

Yeah, we did that....told SS we had other plans, and his eyes lit up and he asked if he & gf (whom we had never even met) could stay at our place while we were away! When I realised DH had not exactly told him no way, but left it unanswered, I went about ensuring it would be the most damned uncomfortable place to stay. We don't get frost here but it does get cold and wet, so I disabled the furnace, turned off the rads and hot water, locked up our files, passworded the computer, and left the dishwasher full of dirty dishes. I took the keys to our cars with me. Usually before a vacation, Imwash the sheets and towels and clean up so it's all nice when we return. Not this time, and it worked.

Apparently SS brought GF to the house and she suggested they go to a hotel!

DH couldn't have been blind to this. What did he say or do? Does he support you in your impressions of these people? Maybe you were both unprepared for the skids and their offspring but if he allows this again, let HIM take care of everything - including buying their special food out of HIS pocket, entertaining them, cooking, cleaning up after them and renting a car if necessary. If he waffles and expects you to do all of the work again, arrange for an 'emergency' at one of your kid's house and leave him to it.

This sounds very familiar minus the food allergies. When my SD and her family come out to visit they want to eat non-stop. It's mind boggling to me. We could eat a huge breakfast at 9:00 am and by 11:00 am my SD will start asking about lunch, because "the kids are starving". Also they get jealous if one gets something the other didn't. For example I made my SD a huge chefs salad one day while the kids were at the zoo with my DD and her BF. I know they got treats and lunch at the zoo nonetheless, when one of the kids found out I made her mother the salad, she whined until her mother made her one as well. I just shook my head.....

For future meal planning: Cook a gigantic pot of beans (with no meat) and leave it out all day. You could be very "accommodating" and cook black beans one night, white beans one night, and then pinto beans for a third - but that's still way too many nights.

After all that would be gluten free, dairy free, nut free and vegetarian.

Notasm I really like your thinking with the beans.

I'm wondering what kind of people take a vacation someplace warm and then stay back at grandpa's house all day? Some vacation. If they can't afford to eat out then they can't afford a vacation.

When his kids come again, make yourself scarce at dinner time. Stay late at the gym, go out shopping, have your hair done, read and relax at the library, anything. They can take DH out to dinner with them, after all, they came to see him, right?
Let DH know ahead of time not to plan on you being home much that week, since crowds make you nervous and you want him to spend as much time as possible with his kids.

I would not wait until their next visit; I would address their departure with them, thus including what you expect of them the next time they want to visit. Set boundaries and stick to them.

I would not have your DH do it; I would do it myself. I would inform DH that I did it, only after I took COMPLETE control of the situation.

If you don't address it immediately, it will only bug you and make you hate the entire situation more every day. Get it off your chest and give yourself some peace, along with a clear understanding they should just make their own arrangements and visit only, while they are in town.

This is what I do now that we are moved away from SD56. We have only been moved for three months; but I've made myself clear to everyone on her visits to our home. If DH wants them for even a meal; I'm not cooking, they can pick up something on the way, visit, and then leave; no staying over. There is no misunderstanding and they know it came from me, not DH. They don't like it and DH has been good at accepting it.

Good Luck. Only you can change it, believe me, nobody else will.

As long term multigenerational Expats our family has an established dynamic of extended visits.

Whoever has a home and lives in the US acts as the home of record for the Expat elements of the family. This allows us to keep driver's licenses, car registrations, insurance, banking, credit accounts, etc.... stable and easily manageable.

When we lived in the states and my parents were Expats our home was their home of record. Though my younger brother also had a home in the states (just up the street from our) and lived in the states our home was the home of record for mom and dad .... mainly due to my bride the hyper organized CPA.

For the past 9 years (for the most part) both my brother's family and my wife and I have been Expats so mom and dad's home is the home base for everyone. We often spend several weeks there periodically throughout the year. My brother and his family usually spend several weeks there every summer.

My wife and I make sure we do a lot of grocery shopping, filling of gas tanks, taking mom and dad out t dinner, keeping our room clean and our laundry done and put away, etc........

It is actually for the most part a seamless enjoyable time for all of us when we are hanging out at mom and dad's.

It would be a whole different story is we took advantage and were burdensome in our presence. Neither mom nor dad would have a problem putting us to the curb is that were the case.

next time that want to visit.... simply ask what hotel they are staying in....

not in your house again!!!

I love to host people in my home but no one has ever tried to remove bags of food when they leave. Again I say, what kind of people do that?

If they weren't nasty to you personally, as so many skids are on here, I wouldn't leap to forbid them from ever visiting again.
Any complaints should not come directly from you, but delivered by your DH to his own kids. I disagree with the other posters there.
I doubt they will visit at all if they have to spring for a hotel.

I would not wait for them to see the rules in the guest bedroom. Great that you did the rules; send them with a note signed by both of you if you're sure you want them to stay with you next time. Consider that if these are the kind of people who are too cheap to eat at a restaurant, hoard food in their rooms, take your food on trips outside of the house, they are indeed unable to afford a vacation. I suggest that DH visit them next time a visit comes up. Then all of these problems go away. Because the kind of people who would return your car's tank half empty will find ways to enrage you while they take advantage. Just remove the problem altogether by DH visiting them instead or insisting that they stay elsewhere. I had a "friend" visit once. She didn't observe any of the common courtesies you'd expect from a guest. Believe me, she was never welcomed into our home again. Life truly is too short at our age to put up with these kind of people. Let him see them if he wants outside of your home. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.