Don't know where to begin? (LONG!!)
I am now living under the same roof with my partner and I am finding it hard to cope with things with her (soon to be) 21 year old son! The things that are getting to me are the following:
1. He is home from college at the moment and has been since the end of June. He goes back in October. During that time I expected him to make a contribution to the house. To that end we asked him what his plans were for the summer? He said 'probably just kotch' (Which means to relax). He is quite happy to not get a job and pay his way. My wife leaves an envelope of cash in the house. When he is broke, he will just go help himself and tell her after the fact that he has done so. This is not the way I was brought up. My parents said that if I wanted anything, I should work for it. What makes matters worse is that he has money in the bank (£1500) but he helps himself to his mums money because he can't be bothered to go to the bank to get his own. I have told my partner that I think that this is wrong and that he should get off his arse and get his own money if he needs it. She sides with him and says she doesn't see a problem with it. Doesn't she see that by making things so easy for him, he has no incentive to do stuff for himself? It seems that we fundamentally disagree with the way she is bringing up her child and I have no recourse but to shut up and let it happen. This is a grown man living in our house! Is it wrong of me to expect him to contribute to the house in some way over the summer?
2. He has no respect for my stuff! I have a favorite hat which I left on a wicker basket in the living room. He has sat on it twice in the last six months and not even had the decency to apologise. I bought myself a Ukulele the other day. I came down to find that he had taken it from my study and was playing it. He just arose (1pm) and is now playing it in the background as we speak. Why does he not ask me if I mind him using it? God forbid that anyone ever touches his stuff! He would go nuts.
3. In the absence of him getting a job over the summer, we thought we would ask him to do a few things around the house. Simple stuff like get milk when we run low, clean the kitchen after cooking late night meals for him and his girlfriend. Yes we seem to have adopted a girlfriend at the moment as well! Someone else we are feeding and entertaining without any contribution from him! So we posted a list of jobs that we would like help with on the fridge door. Like Recycle stuff, fill the dishwasher with dishes or, if the dishwasher is full of clean stuff, empty it and put away, pick up dog poop in the garden and put it in the dog toilet etc. Yet each day we will come home to find dishes in the sink, my stuff being used and dog poop in the garden. If you dare to say anything, he tells you that we a nagging him and that he is a 'chilled person' and we should be too! Thing is it is very annoying to spend an hour cleaning the kitchen to find it messy next morning when you get up. He is such a slob! He tells us that it is his house as well and he should be able to leave stuff around the house so that he feels 'comfortable in his own home'. Trouble is I no longer feel comfortable in our own home. We like it to be tidy with uncluttered communal areas. That doesn't seem to fit into his lifestyle. He says the list on the fridge was 'clearly aimed at him'. Well yes it was! But it didn't seem to work. I am having real trouble setting boundaries and coming to terms with the differences between the way I was bought up and the way he is. I have tried to discuss this with my partner and she says if I have any problems with him, I should talk to him about it directly? I was sort of hoping that we could present a united front and tackle it together. I don't really know if what I find disagreeable is something that she also finds disagreeable and if I am being out of line by talking to him?
Does any of that make sense? I wish it did to me.
Bottom line is I would like some boundaries laid down. I would like him to realise that, in life, you have to work for what you have and there are no free rides. I would like him to respect my stuff and not help himself to it. I would like him to be a little tidier and have more consideration for other people. I would like him to do stuff we ask him to do with a little more grace instead of being an uphill battle to get him to tidy up after himself. Trouble is I don't think my partner shares my values and so I can see it becoming a rift between us! I don't want to be the new guy coming in laying down the law but I feel like I am being trodden all over here.
Feeling the Same
Dear Odinary Guy,
I can totally sympathize with you as I am pretty much in the same situation. Only it is with my husband and 19yo SD. How long have you been with your partner? The problem is (with both of us) is that the stepkids know that our needs, wishs, wants don't mean shit. They also know that if mommy or daddy aren't going to put their foot down and set the boundries they can pretty much do whatever they want. We are just a joke. My husband has also told me that if I have an issue with SD to deal directly with her (cause the spouse doesn't want to get involved and be the bad guy you know) and then when I have the SD goes running to daddy saying I've been mean and then I am the one who gets shit. I either said something wrong, wrong tone, wrong body language, whatever. You know where the problem is? It's not really with the step kids, it's with the spouse!! You are NOT wrong to expect some respect, for you and your things. Your partner is NOT being supportive of you (I know the feeling) and causing more trouble to brew in the relationship. As far as the money, if it's her money and she doesn't care if he takes it, oh well, let him take it. I KNOW how frustrating it is!!! Does she seem to be bothered by her sons behavior? Doesn't seem it from what you have described. I have come to the conclusion that there is no easy answers here. Me and DH are going to counseling starting tomorrow. I'm sure everything will be my fault. Well, October isn't TOO far away (far enough right?) and maybe she will agree not to let him move back into the house again??? Gotta run. I'll be in touch.
No, you are in no way off base in your perspective on this.
I can understand feeding him, he is after all a college student home for the summer. My own parents always considered their home my home when I was in school, and still do.
I am actually more sensitive about asking their permission to visit than they are about me asking. "Don't ask, you have a key come whenever you want". But, I am an married adult (45) with a family and it is not my parents responsibility to entertain, feed and serve us when we are visiting them. I usually help with some large chore when we visit Mom and Dad. Most recently I helped Dad put up shelving in their garage and my Son (SS-17) helped clean second story windows and move an owl house in a tree in the back yard. Not because my parents are not capable of doing these things themselves (they are 66 and 64 and both are fit and active) but because if their home is my home then I have some responsibilities that go along with that privilege.
There are some humorous family stories about the chores Mom and Dad had my brother and I do when we were home from school for the summer. Deepen the crawl space under the house. Sift dirt, empty, clean and re-pack the garden shed, trim trees (very tall trees), move rocks (800Lb+ rocks in the back yard), dig run off streams and incorporate them in Mom's garden landscaping, etc, etc, etc......
As for your SO's son. I would start picking up the crap he leaves out and put it on his bed. Dishes, clothing, everything. I would also let him know that he is expected to do chores daily including the dishes, vacuuming, dusting, and any back yard chores you dictate as required. As for the money. Give him a weekly statement of how much he will be reimbursing his Mom for as far as his liberal raiding of the slush fund envelope.
He expects to be treated as a man and an adult so do just that. Treat him as an adult with the respect and responsibilities that go along with that privilege.
Our Son (my SS-17) is at boarding school. When he is home for the holidays or summer break he has the same chore list he had before he went off to school. Kitchen, floors, vacuuming, moping, cleaning his and the guest bathroom, cleaning the bird cage (Max the obnoxious rescue parrot is one messy creature), and weeding and mulching his Mom's flower beds. These are all things that happen when he is away at school. But, when he is home they are his contribution to the family home.
He does not yet have a job but that is Okay with his Mom and I. When he finishes HS and JC and comes home to finish his Undergrad degree he can get a Job. He WILL get a Job.
Hang in there and give the young man what he wants. Treat him like an adult and hold him accountable for being one.
Just my thoughts of course.
Welcome to our community by the way. I hope you find a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from other SParents who have and are dealing with similar issues.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Feeding him is not the issue. You are right.
Yes feeding him is not an issue. I can see why my partner wants to give him the best start in life and support him while at college. I just think that the responsibility also extends to preparing him to become an independent adult who can wash his own underpants, get a job and clean up his own sh*t.
More info
We have been together for 15 months. I try to stop her from enabling his behavior. For one I suggested that she leave his laundry to do himself. She says she doesn't see a problem with sticking his clothes in with hers as she is doing her own laundry anyway. I also feel that at 48 years of age myself, why am I hanging out a 20 year old underpants on the washing line while he lays sleeping in bed upstairs with his girlfriend?
He never tops up his mobile phone with credit! Every time he wants to talk to his mum, he will ring her mobile and hang up straight away so she has to ring back and pay for the call. I tell her not to ring him back as she is just encouraging him to get away with his freeloading behavior. That she should text him and ask him to call her. She just ignores me and rings anyway.
Yes it is her money but I just can't sit there and let her enable his behavior. As long as things are made so easy for him, he is never going to learn how to be independent. I am too old in the tooth to start another relationship where everything is a battle!
Yes she does seem to be bothered by his behavior. Definitely the untidiness anyway.
October isn't that far away but then it will be Christmas soon and he will be home again. Making my whole Christmas a misery. Telling him to move out is not an option. She wants to see him safely through college. Which is going to take two more years. He took a year out last year. A year of chilling out, eating food and partying! So he is now a year behind schedule for leaving. I guess I resent having to contribute to his upkeep with no contribution from him! I split the household expenses 50/50. Right down the middle. I guess I feel that gives me a equal say in what goess on here. My partners solution is to split the expenses into 3 and she pays for her sons expenses! I don't see that as being very supportive of me! I guess I am very Old School when it comes to things like that. I was brought up to help out around the house, pay my way, wash my own dirty underpants and be responsible for my own life! I had my own first flat/apartment at his age and was a Dad myself! I paid rent and bills of my own.
OG, Washing my own dirty underpants???? I was with you
until that point. I box up my dirty skivvies and send them home for my Mom to do for me! Ha! Just kidding of course. My mother would kill me if she even had an inkling that I expected her to do my laundry. Now, she would gladly do it as long as she did not think I expected her to do it.
My Mom would never tolerate the kids (my brother or I) spending all day in bed when home home from school for the summer. She had a nasty habit of dumping a pitcher full of ice water on my brother and/or I if we did not respond to a knock on our bedroom doors to get up for breakfast.
I would have dumped the wet undies on top of the sleeping SS and his girlfriend rather than hang them up to dry if I were you. That would have gotten the message across I think.
If you need any innovative motivational strategies to use on SO's adult son I will be happy to ask my Mom for some suggestions. She is still a master at applying appropriate motivators for lazy young men. All with a interesting little gleam in her eye.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Adult kids are a tough one...
I have 2 adult sons living with me at the time. Both are my bio's from a previous marriage.
23 and 20. 23 chose the harder path in life and can't seem to hold down a decent job. Just recently did he decide that maybe his way wasn't working and that he should apply to college. (No really?!?!?!?!) 20 year old is in the military and just got back from the war. He presently has 2 jobs. NEITHER of my boys contribute financially to the household. One just doesn't have any money because he is between jobs and the other is up to his eyeballs in debt because of course why listen to your mother when you can fuck everything up doing it your way?
Since they don't contribute financially, I post a chore list EVERY Friday on the refrigerator. They work it out amongst themselves whose going to do what. But, they do it. EVERY single chore. And they do it right. They know that I am not too far from kicking them BOTH into the streets and that if they don't pull their own weight even if it's just by doing dishes, laundry, washing the bathrooms and vacuuming that they will be homeless.
Thankfully my DH is understanding about their situations and is happy that I make them help us. But it's a tough one non the less. You want to help your kids get on the right track but when they take advantage of the situation it's just very uncomfortable.
Good luck. Hope that kid leaves to school soon!
How do you think I handled it?
OK My partner and I had a big discussion about the situation three days ago. I told her I couldn't go on living like this. If she didn't give me more support, I would have to find somewhere else to live. She first accused me of always wanting to bail out when things got rough. I stood my ground and said that it is no threat to say that I would move out, it was a reality because, at 48, I was too long in the tooth to start with all the BS in my life (again! But that is a story for another thread).
Things were frosty for a couple of days but then she drew up a list of things she would like to see change in her son. She also wrote down some notes about the things I had said.
1. He should give us notice of when he expects to be away from the house all night so that we can plan meals. If his plans change, he should let us know ASAP. Wasting food when we get an extra steak out of the freezer and he doesn't bother to show up or call to tells us why is not acceptable. My partner agreed.
2. He should have more chores to do around the house. If he is unwilling to make a financial contribution while at college, he should at least contribute in other ways. My partner agrees. She even put some suggestions forward. I was all for him doing his own laundry. My partner does not agree with that. She says that, if she is putting a load in the washer, she doesn't see a problem with putting in his stuff with ours. So we reached a compromise. He will do a load of Laundry as a chore. Not just his but everybody's. Once the washer has completed it's cycle, he is to hang it on the line outside. What a great compromise. I can live with that.
Yesterday my partner went into hospital for three days for a drugs trial for her pain. Leaving me to share the house with SS and his GF. I came home at around 23:00 after being at the hospital with my partner. No dishes in the sink and the place look reasonably tidy and the dog was fed. I gave him an update on his mums condition and said goodnight. I also arranged for him to be in today to take delivery of something and he agreed. I did this by text message whilst at the hospital.
When I got up this morning, the place was still in reasonable condition. The sofa had been tidied and cushions plumped. There were still empty cups and glasses around the place. That is something else we need to work on. One step at a time eh!
I knew he didn't go to bed with his GF until about 3am so didn't expect him to be up and about. And he wasn't. I left him two notes. One was to give him the keys to the shed to put away the delivery when it arrives (it is a new bike for my wife - a handcycle that is. We are both wheelchair users). The second note was entitled "Jobs For Today" and contained the following.
"1. Please put the dishwasher on and, once the cycle has finished, empty it and put dishes away.
2. Please do the recycling in the kitchen. Including the two Pizza boxes that you put in the ordinary rubbish. These are cardboard and can be recycled.
3. Please sort a load of washing, put in the washing machine and then wash.
4. Once the washing machine has completed, please hang it out to dry.
Have a nice day! :-)"
I then left for work feeling quite good about myself for stating clearly what I required of him. Not just while my partner is in hospital but as an ongoing thing!
I got to work and texted my partner. She seems OK with what I did. We are both sort of wondering if it will get done though. It will be a pleasant surprise if it is!
I then texted SS. Here is the message I sent him.
"Morning SS.
Thanks for taking delivery of the bike and feeding Kizzi today. I have also left a little 'jobs for today' list on the table. Your Mum and I would like you to make a bit more of a contribution around the house when you are home from college. We think it is only fair. So expect a list each day when you are home. :-). Any problems, give me or your mum a call. You have my mobile. Work number is 01923 xxxxxx. Jobs shouldn't take you more than an hour if you multi-task."
What I am now concerned about is what happens if I get home tonight and he has done nothing??? How do I deal with that???? My partner says she will not issue him with the old 'It's my way or move out' type of ultimatum. I probably would if it was my son. I would say something like "While you are living under our roof, you have to live by our rules. If you don't like it, then find somewhere else to live where you get the same benefits as you do living here and not paying any rent!"
What do I do next if he does his usual thing and do nothing and offer up the excuse that he forgot to do it???
Opinions on how I am handling the situation? Should I have spoken to him rather than sent a text and left a note?? I am not a great one at dealing with confrontation and the anonymity of a text/note gave me the power to say what I wanted without an outright battle!
If I go home tonight to find the dishwasher full of dirty stuff, the linen basket full of dirty clothes and the pizza boxes still stinking up the kitchen and him watching TV with his GF, what should I do?
Wow.......same here!!!
In the absence of him getting a job over the summer, we thought we would ask him to do a few things around the house. Simple stuff like get milk when we run low, clean the kitchen after cooking late night meals for him and his girlfriend. Yes we seem to have adopted a girlfriend at the moment as well! Someone else we are feeding and entertaining without any contribution from him! So we posted a list of jobs that we would like help with on the fridge door. Like Recycle stuff, fill the dishwasher with dishes or, if the dishwasher is full of clean stuff, empty it and put away, pick up dog poop in the garden and put it in the dog toilet etc. Yet each day we will come home to find dishes in the sink, my stuff being used and dog poop in the garden. If you dare to say anything, he tells you that we a nagging him and that he is a 'chilled person' and we should be too! Thing is it is very annoying to spend an hour cleaning the kitchen to find it messy next morning when you get up. He is such a slob! He tells us that it is his house as well and he should be able to leave stuff around the house so that he feels 'comfortable in his own home'. Trouble is I no longer feel comfortable in our own home. We like it to be tidy with uncluttered communal areas. That doesn't seem to fit into his lifestyle. He says the list on the fridge was 'clearly aimed at him'. Well yes it was! But it didn't seem to work. I am having real trouble setting boundaries and coming to terms with the differences between the way I was bought up and the way he is. I have tried to discuss this with my partner and she says if I have any problems with him, I should talk to him about it directly? I was sort of hoping that we could present a united front and tackle it together. I don't really know if what I find disagreeable is something that she also finds disagreeable and if I am being out of line by talking to him?
Wow....I wish it did make sense then we both know. It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there. I get the same thing with my wife, god forbid I bring up anything that has to do with her loser son like get a fricking job. When I do I get the same thing, go talk to him about it. Well I have and he doesn't care either.....ha ha ha. I've found lately that I've started drinking a great deal more just to deal with it, which is a terrible thing but I don't know what else to do.
Taake Courage
Sorry to hear yours is driving you to drink!! Take comfort that some poor schmuck is in the same position.
Don't let the loser ruin your liver by drinking too much dude. Then he has won on another front!
this is
awful --- i have been holding in my heart that when ass gnats get older 18ish (well actually 14 ish when they would prefer to stay with BM to be close to friends and have no rules) they will be gone - or at least not at my house 50% of the time...........now i need a drink....
good luck with your partners college educated brat
well
you're a guy isn't there something you can sprinkle in those skivvies to cause a slight discomfort......... might make hanging them out to dry not so painful
Ordinary Guy....
If he doesn't do the chores tell him exactly what your wife said. That while he is living under YOUR roof he will live by YOUR rules and that if he is not ok with that then he needs to find another place to go during his summers off.
Just tell him "now get this stuff done ASAP as it is not up for discussion."
Having 2 older boys of my own (23 & 20) I can sympathize. I left a list for everyone a few days ago. One of my boys decided that he would do his laundry but that he would pay to have it done at a drop off service because he didn't want to do it himself. My other son asked him if he was crazy and instead negotiated with him. He charged him half of what the drop off service would have cost him and he did the laundry for him.
I didn't care as long as the laundry was done and off the laundry room floor. They tend to figure things out on their own once we as the PARENTS put our foot down. It's kind of like letting a dog pee inside the house. If you punish the dog repeatedly it will hold it until he's let outside. Kids are exactly the same way. they will do whatever we let them get away with. Good luck to you!