Doesn't include me in Grandchilds Life
I am new..so a quick background. I have been with my BF for about 5 years, we bought a home together about 4 years ago and live with my 12 & 10 yr old. He has a 30 yr old who lives away and a 20 year old nearby. The oldest girl has never warmed up...to me.. or put much effort in trying to get to know me or my children. I think she would just like me & mine to go away!
Her mother dispises me...and actively displays & encourages annomosity toward me... I believe anyone who includes me will be subjected to BM's wrath.
The influence of the BM is most visiable in this child. She has a 2 yr old.. My BF refers to himself as Granddad and me as Nanny to the 2 yr old. (She says she doesnt' mind it if her child calls me Nanny) But she will not udder those words herself..when refering to me.
Becasue they live away..She makes a point of letting the child know who "granddad" is ..and the other grandmothers via pictures.msn.etc I am never included!
When I Christmas shopped for him/them.. we got e-mails..saying look at the robe Granddad gave him. There's 2 of us, here!!!Ahhhh....that was me..I bought that..spent my money....picked it out myself...my name was on the gift...Hello...I exist! I'm never mentioned
I Got him a really really nice Disney costume for his first holloween.. when the pics were e-mailed..no mention of Nanny..although if it came from anyone else.."here he is isn't he cute in the custume so-and-so gave him."
One day on MSN .... She is on webcam with him "say hi to Granddad" etc. I slide up beside Granddad and say "hi" and start to wave, etc... I was completly and totally ignored!!
She just kept on saying "say hi to Granddad"...It was like I was invisible....I just walked away.
Before they flew into town last year..she called and I was expecting the usual "Is my Dad there?"..but she actually asked me how I was... And how my kids were. We had a conversation! I was happy..Finally..some kind of effort from her...a starting point. After about 10 minutes I had to leave so I handed the phone to her Dad.
Afterwards I found out...She only spoke to me to ask me for my car....but she never worked up enough nerve.. ...she asked her father..if she could borrow my car...that's why
I actually was very hurt when I found out all she wanted was the use of my car.. (Her Dad's vehicle was a truck no good for baby) Dispite all the other slights, etc.. This really got to me... I then knew that she is capable of carrying on a conversation with me. She just chooses not to.
Many times BF has told me that I'm just too sensitive and these "slights" are made bigger than they really are...
He goes out of his way to make sure the grandchild knows that I am "Nanny "lovin-life"" at every opportunity.
But overall I'm really getting tired of the little games that are played.. the passive/agressive B.S. with his children... now invovling the grandchildren...
The BM had complete and total control over him..when she said jump/ he jumped. He likes to avoid confrontation. He managed to survive his marriage by learning to live in denial .. it was very disfunctional... by all accounts
..I think its now a way of life for him and he is in denial when it comes to his children as well
Or maybe it is me. Are my expectations of his children to high? Maybe it's normal for adult stepchildren to act this way...
The 20 yr old is getting married next summer..Children/Grandchildren/His Ex..her family etc.. will all be there..
Right now, I don't even want to think about it....
to lovin life...
You must feel like blowing up. If you can, ignore it and just play along like nothing. You will never get through your stepdaughter's head, just keep treating her nice (she'll be more irritated by that). As for your grandchild, he/she is much to young to realize the whole family tree relationship at this time. Don't be hurt by his/her actions towards you. When he is old enough to understand he'll truly see the relationship with you in the picture. You can't make everyone like you, be strong and keep your head up and you'll be fine. Don't think about the negative stuff too much. I truly believe in what comes around....goes around. You should express your feelings about the situation to your boyfriend, even though he doesn't do anything with it right now, it will always be in his mind and maybe one day convince to the grandchild that you are too his step grandmother. I truly know how it is to be eliminated, my stepson acts like I'm not around all the time...I know for sure that his bio mom feeds him the bullshit about me.
How many years does this
How many years does this crap go on... she's 30 yrs old.. does it ever end? After 5 years, its getting harder & harder to ignore it. I wouldn't stand for anyone else to treat me that way... who the hell does she think she is that she can. Listen to this, she actually stayed in our home last year for a couple days during her trip, first time in 4 yrs. We watched the grandson for several hours while she went out visiting, etc. She walked in the door in a pissy mood, my daughter said "hi" she snapped at her making some ignore comment. Was a sarcastic B$$th to me.. and a royal, spoiled, tantrum throwing b$%^h to her father..everyone! I had never seen anything like it. I took my kids and left her there with her father. I was shocked that a grown woman could act like that...especially as a guest in someones home. (I Guess her visiting didn't go well.) She has never applogised for her behavior, nor has her father demanded an apology or even held her accountable for her awful behavior. I really don't think I can pretend anymore... she's not a young child who doesn't know any better.. she's an adult who can think and act for herself. But you are right I believe from my heart..what goes around ..comes around. Whatever you put out into the world good or bad eventually comes back at you.
At this point, I just cringe at the thought of being nice to her.... I'll need a few acting lessons...I wonder if Meryl Streep is busy this weekend..lol
second grandchild arrived ...dissed again
I get the typical "Is D there?" phone call last evening. He wasn't home. I was asked to call him where he was and pass on a phone number where he could reach his daughter. That was going to be it.. That was the end of the convo.. I figured it was a hospital number. So I ask "Did S have the baby?" Oh yeah she did. I say my congrates, etc.. the conversations ends. I really dont think they were going to tell me! The happy event was not something that needed to be shared with ME. AAARRGGGGG!!! I am not going away!!!!! That was another slap in my face! It's like she has found the tools to get under my skin. (Just like her mother used the kids to get under thier fathers skin.)
...oh my gosh, she is such a b****!
Why do people gotta be like that? Life is too short....to treat someone like that. Take it easy on yourself, keep calm. Keep on being nice and then that will irritate her even more because she'll realize over and over again that you are a really nice person and she's the one who is acting like a witch! Sometimes the nicest you are the more irritating that is for them to deal with....it might now seem like it bothers her that you are too nice but deep down inside it irritates her. Take it easy Sis.
Ive been a step parent now
Ive been a step parent now for 16 years. It was and still most of the time is the worst part of my life. A very long story why I stayed. I now have a 10 year old beautiful daughter by my SDs father...All of our vacations were hell when the girls were little. The D would go off and golf and leave me with them. Now they are 22 and 24 and he thinks they should come on vacation with us..Ifeel Ive had enough vacations ruined and now that they are grown I shouldnt have to have them join us now. This may not be the place for this but I am unable to log in at this time. Anyone out there who has any advice? LOST
Cheer Up
I really feel bad reading your post, but perhaps if you put your foot down that will be enough. At age 22 and 24 I didn't even want to vacation with my parents, so hopefully your worrying for nothing.
You deserve a lot more so put your foot down, and good luck!
You need to say no. It's hard
You need to say no. It's hard but once said it gets easier. He'll be stunned but I gave my husband the option to go alone with his daughter as I would most definitely not be joining them. She generally only asks as imo she is manipulative but DH cannot see it. The sun shines out of her proverbial! I look forward to the day I can tell her I see who you are - but as I've disengaged I think that's a pipe dream!
Spending time with adult stepkids..
It is frustrating.. we don't tend to enjoy thier company as thier Dad does for whatever the list of reasons may be. My youngest SD is 21 and lives close by..vacations aren't the issue as much but my issue is along the same vain.
We "the adults" her Dad, myself, Dad's brother & wife (my friend), other brother & wife, friends from Darts, etc.. 40's & 50's.. plan card games, river rafting, other events, etc..
Any "adult event" that is mentioned in his company..the first words out of his mouth is I'll tell "SD & her fiance" or we can invite "SD & fiance"....
They are not part of "our circle of Friends"..our "age group", part of our "peer group" or "social circle" so to speak..yet he insists on including them
I don't get it?!!!
I don't vacation with my Mom or Dad, and certainly didn't at that age.....
Sister-in-law is with me on this one....she'll make sure that all the spots are filled with "the grown-ups" first...before mentioning the event to my hubby...
There are other "events" or "outings" that can be arranged in order to spend extra time with the adult children....
In my case he just can't see a problem with having SD around for adult events....so I can't imagine how telling him to not invite her for a "vacation" would go over... he just wouldn't get it!
Are they interested in going..? Maybe they have other things to do with people their own age...?
I suspect you'll look like the "evil stepmother" if you include your biological child and ask that they be excluded.....
I have a completely
I have a completely different take on this one…I guess I’m looking at it from the stepchild’s point of view b/c my husband and I (I’m 27 and he is 32) LOVE to do couples stuff with my dad and stepmom….of course my dad is 44 and my stepmom is 34 so that does make a bit of a difference maybe in some ways…but I don’t know how much of a difference it really makes b/c regardless of the closeness in ages…he is still my dad and that is still my stepmom…the roles are the same…but anywayz…we really enjoy each other’s company and I think that is the heart of the issue! When they have their friends over (often times couples in their 40’s-50’s) they often invite us! Also, my husbands’ best friend is 45 and his wife is 46 and we do things with them as well as my godmother (45 and her husband mid to late 50’s)…so I guess what I’m trying to say is that it has less to do with age or connection (parent/child) and more to do with the quality of the relationships…I hope that when the girls are older and marry that we can enjoy their company as adults as well…just my two cents…
Not together for our every "outing"....
We do .. do things together. Dad, SD, and I all coached ball together this summer..which was nice. It was something that we all have a passion for and I think it brought us a little closer together.
We have them over for supper quite often, go boating, fishing, motorbiking together..etc. Many, many things, but sometimes grown-ups like to do things with their friends & peers....without the children hanging around...biological children included..that's all I'm saying....
The ability to relax and enjoy your vacation or outings with friends can be comprimized, if there have been tensions or issues between the step-parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, who-ever.etc..or the grown ups can't relax and be themselves because the "kids" are around.
How would the "kids" feel if we showed up as the only "adults" to all of their social functions..parties, etc.. My guess would be that their friends would feel kind of uncomfortable..feel that they had to watch what they said.etc..
The other adults don't insist on inviting their children along for grown-up gatherings...we have plenty of other family events planned throughout the year that include everyone. Even if someone else organizes an "outing" within our group of freinds....
There's a time & a place..... I don't think he has figured out the balance..
Several other "adults" in the group also can't relax the same way when the "kids" are around....nothing personal but our group of friends get together on a regualar basis and are a pretty close group, we are very comfortable with each other....and all enjoy our time without kids..
I alway appreciate Nise's comments....
I am sorry..
I think at 30 you should be old enough to make your own mind up w/out help from bio mom. Bio Mom sounds like a very unhappy person.
I can relate to the telephone. When my 15 yr. old SD calls she says can I talk to my dad. I say sure. and hand the phone over. It is frusterating as hell to me too. But she is not mine and she makes that very clear. SO I have just deceided to love her and deal with it. And hope someday she is grown up enough to accept things for what they are.
The bio mom and I do not like each other. That is very obvious and if she ever asked me anything I would have to be very honest with her.
I just think it is so sad that this 30 yr. old is not grown up enough to understand that you make her dad happy. I mean in a sense it is disrespectful to her father to be so obvious with her actions towards you. He should be man enough and tell her they need to talk. And tell her what he thinks and tell her how you feel, maybe then her attitude would change a tune or two..
By him telling you that you are to sensitive is crazy. If the rolls were reversed I think he would feel the same way. There is such a thing as putting your significant other first now and again. Which is what he should be doing with you on this.
Maybe the daughter blames you for her parents divorce.
I can honestly say when I finally deceided for a divorce, it took a couple of years. But I kept running things thru my head like if I do it now (my kids were 3 and 6 months) they will adjust better then if I let them grow up and then say see ya to there dad. And I believe that is true. I think if you wait longer is messes the kids up more.
My husband's 1st wife waited till the son was 16 and the daughter was 10 and my SS has had a lot of issues because of it. Quit school, drugs alcohol, those are just some examples.
Maybe you should take the ball to your own court and go to her one on one. And poor your heart out to her then maybe she will see and will change. Have you tried that yet?
I try to look at both sides.
I try to look at both sides. First of all your not married so really there is no relation. She may also be afraid this is just another relationship and may not even last. Are you guys thinking of getting married?? If not I just wouldn't care and would try and move even further away. Less you see them the better for you imo.
Otherwise I myself would get married before I bought a home. Your rights are very limited as a girlfriend, so those are issue's I would tackle first.
Teri..
We live common-law. My kids refer to him as Step-Dad and his youngest daughter & my kids refer to each other as step-siblings...all thier idea. It is a committed relationship...we are spouses...we had planned to get married eventually ..but then discovered we would loose a substantial chunk of money via our shitty tax laws. So aside from having a peice a paper to display on the wall.......it doesn't serve any purpose in our eyes.
He was married for 22 yrs..then with me for 5+...so he's not into 'fly by night' relationships..he's only has two in the last 30 years or more...so fear of this being 'just another relationship' really isn't an issue, for anyone.
We moved in together after dating for 2 months and purchased a home together 3 months after that. Neither one of us wanted to live in an apartment...both our names are on the mortgage. And we got a quicky wills to avoid our X's taking everything in the event of an unexpected death....everything he has goes to me and everything I have goes to him. Our kids can have some personal property mementos and a small portion of the insurance money at our descretions after loans/bills/funeral expenses are taken care of. His kids go to thier mother (adults now) and my kids go to thier father.
SO legally all's good!
The problem is oldest SD is a very closed, self absorbed person, she lives hundreds of miles away....and we don't interact much. (her choice) I have asked myself...do I really want to be close to someone like that. She's not a friendly person.
I don't need her friendship...I have lots of freinds...
I don't need to mother her...I have two children...
I wouldn't know she even existed....be it not for my love for her Dad
So in the big picture of things...what is there to be upset about.
She doesn't ask how I am? So what! I am just the woman who answers the phone when she calls her Dads house. So be it! I have now resigned myself to accept that reality.
When the rest of 'our family' are together...stepdads & stepsisters & stepbrothers & future stepgrandkids via youngest SD...oldest SD will be the one on the outside looking in........
.....it's too bad.......
I'm glad you stuck up for
I'm glad you stuck up for yourself!!!!
Sound Good To Me!
Sounds like your doing good imo. I have friends that wish they lived hundred of miles away, and I always reply, Then do it!!
I am trying to be respectful
I am trying to be respectful here but you are coming on very strong. You jump in here and start judging people and stuffing your MEAN SPIRITED opinions down everyones throat. Dawn started this website for us to support eachother and offer helpful advice. And I would really like to know why you are here if you have all the answers.
To Heck with them!!
Oh yes... I have not experianced this in an immediate step family situation. However, my in laws used to do this to me all the time..For the first two years that we were married..I AM THE ONE that remembered and acknowledge ALL their birthdays, anniversarys and special days..And DH always got the credit for anything I DID..
I sent cards and gifts..They would email DH and THANK HIM and ONLY HIM. Even for the entire year he was in IRAQ..The gifts and cards CLEARLY came from our home address, not Dh in IRAQ...They emailed DH and thanked HIM...Regardless of what I DID or TRIED TO DO ...DH was the only person thanked and acknowledged for MY EFFORTS, TIME AND HARD EARNED MONEY SPENT..so you know what?? I stopped doing it..
For the past four and a half years..Their special days come and go every year and I say NOTHING..Yep, I know when I wake up that it's so and so's birthday, anniversary or what ever..But I don't say a word to DH...
Why? Not my family and not my responsibility..If he doesn't consider his family members special days important enough to remember and acknowledge..WHY SHOULD I?? They have certianly NEVER acknowledged my birthday, (which is September 11th by the way, impossible to forget), they have never acknowledge my two daughters from my first marriage)..
In fact, they don't even acknowledge mine and Dh's own bio son's birthday (their own flesh and blood)...Only Dh's and My Hell's are acknowledged by his family...In fact, we have been married for six and a half years and the only person in his family to even so much as acknowledge our marriage with a "congratulations" was Dh's nana on her death bed. We didn't get a congrats when our son (their own flesh and blood was born either.)
If they are not willing to acknowledge and include you..Then why stick your neck out and acknowledge them?? I feel for you and I know it hurts..It's rude and their is no reason for it!
PS...A peice of paper (marriage certificate) does not determine "relation" anymore then "blood" does.. I know of a couple who lived together for 18 years, happily..They have been married for 2 years and have had nothing but problems since..
As posted before, check out Dr Phil in Oprah's May issue
OK, call me stupid, but for years I thought I was the only one that was experiencing the SK, BM, in law "freeze out" i.e. no acknowledgement, etc. I, too, have struggled to remember b-days, holidays, etc, especially with the addition of grandchildren. But, after 18 years of marriage & 6 years of dating, I have officially given up...no more efforts on my part. I have posted in detail about specific incidents, all too long & involved to re-post. Suffice to say, I am stunned by the number of us the continue to have to live with these issues. I guess what really hit home for me is when I saw the article in the "Dr Phil" section where a SM wrote in about how the adult SD was treating her, etc. Nothing new compared to what is posted here. He provided some interesting advice & it is consistent with the conclusion that I reached some years ago, but am just recently acknowledging my feelings. For years, I was REALLY angry with SK, BM & in-laws for their lack of acknowledgment of me, but my anger was DISPLACED..I was angry with the wrong person, it was DH that had the power to reduce the problem. As Dr. Phil said, they (all I listed) may NEVER like or even love you, but it is DH/BF's responsibility to see that they RESPECT YOU & YOUR MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP. So...that really sums it up. A few years ago, I tried to step back & get a good look @ my situation. I came to the same solution that Dr. Phil stressed, it's about respect. But, not having found this site, etc, I thought I was among the minority...I was wrong, and I'm sorry to find that out. Ultimately, we have to learn to respect ourselves. I think we all started out respecting ourselves, but slowly THEY, including DH/BF have worn us down. We second guess ourselves, think we are nuts (becauses they tell us we are!) & lose sight of who we really are. We are smart, intelligent women, dealing with a bunch of dysfunctional people. And as a result, we end up playing into the dysfunction. It's when we get sick & tired of it and we grab a glimpse of our self-respect, that the boat gets rocked & everyone is suddenly mad @ us!!! When all along, we've been giving ourselves away, little by little. Ladies, I don't have the answer b/c I'm still living in the mess, but I have stopped doing for DH & his kids. I do tend to my 96 y.o. m-in-l, as I have been taught to respect my elders & do feel that she is beginning to appreciate me for who I AM. But, short of complete extraction from the situation, I feel strongly that everyday we need to work on self-respect & self-preservation. Take care of yourselves because no one else will.
Just a little story...
Just a little story...
My daughter was speaking to her Dad's GF on the phone a few weeks ago and said something like "...when you get to Dad's house..." to her.
It's one of my "pet peeves" as a step mom ....and So I spoke to my daughter about it..
I asked her.."Well if that's your Dad's home....where do you think she lives???........" It's HER home too....
My daughters response was innocent enough..."I don't know why I said that. Well Dad lived there first so I guess I just think of it as Dad's house..I never really thought about it.." She really didn't think anything of it.
While we as step moms get our feelings hurt, feel ignored, imagine all kinds of things....... being 'omitted' is not always intentional on the kids part. They aren't even aware..they've said anything wrong.
So last night..my daughter was on the phone with her step-mom who was on a cell phone with a bad connection...so my daughter says.."Call me when you get to Da... call me when you get home."
She caught herself..... I was very proud of her! (She was actually listening to me during our last conversation regarding this!)
So I spoke to her afterward..and said "Way to go etc and went on to say how much being ignored, non-existant, got on my nerves and every step-mothers nerves" My hubby pipes in and says..."well it wouldn't bother most people.." SO I had to set him straight! THESE MEN....REALLY, TRULY, JUST DO NOT HAVE A CLUE SOMETIMES!!!!! At least mine doesn't have a clue sometimes....
Maybe they just don't undertand women...period. I went on to explain how me, my SIL, my friend, and any and all step mothers feel about being ignored or not acknowledged for birthday gifts, or the home we pay the mortgage on, or the car we pay for & gas up to drive them around in,,,etc.... It's not all DADS's stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...... These are all little things but......All we want is a little acknowledgement once in awhile or at least to not be made to feel invisible by the stepskids.
Hello!! I live here too!!!! He doesn't keep me in the shed!!! I pay bills!!! AND ALL STEPS HATE BEING IGNORED THIS WAY!!!
I told hubby...he doesn't have to take my word for it..he can ask any step-mom or step-GF he knows..and they'll all tell him.....the same thing.
Just thought I'd share...
lovin-life
"Dad's House"
Thank you for addressing this issue. I have had to listen to "Dad's House" for 35 years. I find it very offensive. It's as though I'm part of the furniture. My husband says they aren't aware they are even saying it. I'm not so sure...