Hello, I just have one question why would DH not want Sk to like me. I feel like he has caused most of the problems we are having. Anyone else had this problem?
Hum that sounds all too familiar. I guess it makes him feel like he isn't being disloyal to them by marrying you? Mine was like that and with our one child together also. It's finally gotten so bad I'm ending things. Maybe yours could b made healthier with a counselor to show him what he's doing. With mine it must b a control issue, and at least two of my friends think he is actually jealous of his own wife. Please don't let this go on "forever" like I did. It could get better for your family.
"--- he is actually jealous of his own wife." You bring up an interesting point which I've never thought of before. I did not see this when we first got married but DH has not had a pattern of success in his life. He would obtain a degree, get a job but not stick with it or motivate himself to excel in his chosen field. Then he would go back to school and repeat the process. As a result he had limited funds and self-worth. With limited resources, I worked hard, stuck with my job and did quite well in comparison. At tax time he would always pull a tantrum when we received out W-2s. To make himself look better DH would often put me down in front of SD and her husband or his family. Now that i look back on it I believe this added to SD's hostility to me. It must have given him a feeling of power. I finally had to set him straight in front of these people - not my standard MO. I may have appeared to be a b&%ch to some of them but it became a matter of emotional survival. Because of this, there were many times I wondered why he married me in the first place or remained married to me. I came to see that it was a matter of financial survival for him.
He is very respectful of me now and shows he cares in many ways but today he is living with the consequences of his actions. SD will not be visiting, he will receive no acknowledgement for Fathers' Day. Sad.
Hi,
I think in general, if the husband has been too guilty and close with the skid, then when there is a remarriage, the husband knows the skid is probably not too happy and out of guilt, goes out of his way to please the kid.
I used to feel mine didn't want her to like me because he was trying to show her that she was #1 to him.
When he was overly threatened by her pulling back he overcompensated, and I felt he just focused all his attention onto her and
I was not able to compete or get to form bonds with her. If the husband has spoiled the kid all the kids life, then due to
that, the husband won't give up being the favorite parent, even with a new wife.
Does that help>?
Thank yall, I am not really good at typing on this phone. But I am glad to know it is not just in my head. I think he was jealous because the kids really liked me in the beginning and it bothered him. I feel like he turned them against me and now they can't stand me. I wish I had never married him. If I knew today what I knew now I would have been happier single but now I am 54y/o and feel stuck.
My DH has ABSOLUTELY fed the obscene hatred his kids have for me. He has repeatedly thrown me under the bus. Thank you all for letting me vent here. It is a lifesaver knowing i am not alone.
Ditto, I have been reading your post for a long time and have learned a lot. I appreciate y'all so much and I know I can be a little negative sometimes.
The last piece to our puzzle was this post exactly. I could never figure out why, after 20 years of good relationship, SD hated me; then just over a year ago, it fell into place. SD wrote me a two page hate email that spilled the beans; she threw DH under the bus.
Our marriage was so, so good, until 13 years ago, when SD and SIL moved here with SIL's employment. SIL and I worked for the same employer, Law Enforcement. Approximately six months into their move, every time I turned around I was being ridiculed in front of DH's kids, friends, and family get-togethers; I was shocked and deeply hurt. As the years went on, it got worse and worse. I kept wondering what I was doing to provoke this mental abuse.
When SD wrote me the email, she told it all. DH had been going to her and they formed a gossip session. I was working full time, providing health insurance for DH; he is disabled and has not worked in 30+ years. Therefore, DH was free to go and come every day, while I was at work. I would see a big change in his personality and all types of incidents were waving red flags, which I ignored, and chalked it off to DH's disability and health.
I can't tell you how many lies and stories DH and SD came up with; of course the more they came up, the worse everything got. I was devastated and DH claims, to this day, he was only visiting with "his daughter" and met no harm. I called it "betrayal" and he says he didn't betray me. We separated and I moved him to SD's. After a controlled separation (Court Orders/Law Enforcement) on my part, we have been trying to get it back together the past year.
I had to set boundaries, I thought I would never have to set, and should not have had to set. I was so disappointed that I fell in love with this monster mental abuser. How can anyone hurt someone, with absolutely no reason for it? It is very difficult, but I am trying. Our marriage is ruined, but we have been married 36 years and I have way too many years invested; I am 69 years old and do not want to start all over again.
Why my DH did this, I will NEVER understand. Then he had the nerve to say to me "you used to be such a sweet person"; wrong comment for sure.
Conclusion: The sh***t hit the fan. SD is not allowed to come near me, contact me in any way, and my DH is living with the change and consequences he, himself, brought about. I am now in control of the situation with no words barred; but this isn't the way it should be.
You are not alone and with all of this said, I wish I knew why any person would inflict this on another person, they are supposed to love and cherish.
There is room in my heart for lots of love and respect; but my DH as destroyed any respect and trust that I ever had for him; he no longer has much space in my heart. I care for him deeply, as a person. After 36 years, I can't just walk away from a disabled person, that I know nobody else will care for. I'm just not that cold.
Sammi, the only reason I can see why our DH's did this is because they felt so inadequate. Yours was disabled, mine was not successful. They were so desperate that they would use us to heighten their egos, to make themselves bigger to people they wanted to impress. It means more to them than a good marriage.
sandye21, before DH showed me who he really was, I always looked at him as the most stable person I'd known. He always had his emotions and life in tact; that is why I contributed his actions to his health. But now I can see that this was the strongest reason his marriage with BM failed. It was SD crying to "daddy", from the time she figured "daddy" out as a toddler. SD is the only woman in my DH's life.
It is so sad, because my DH could have had it all and I would have never objected to any of our relationships; I didn't have any problem for the first 20+ years.
My DH blew it and now there is no going back, because I don't trust him.
I am sorry for all the pain they put you through but I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. You are my hero! Thank you so much for sharing and please keep us posted.
No but that is a good idea
No but that is a good idea
Hum that sounds all too
Hum that sounds all too familiar. I guess it makes him feel like he isn't being disloyal to them by marrying you? Mine was like that and with our one child together also. It's finally gotten so bad I'm ending things. Maybe yours could b made healthier with a counselor to show him what he's doing. With mine it must b a control issue, and at least two of my friends think he is actually jealous of his own wife. Please don't let this go on "forever" like I did. It could get better for your family.
"--- he is actually jealous
"--- he is actually jealous of his own wife." You bring up an interesting point which I've never thought of before. I did not see this when we first got married but DH has not had a pattern of success in his life. He would obtain a degree, get a job but not stick with it or motivate himself to excel in his chosen field. Then he would go back to school and repeat the process. As a result he had limited funds and self-worth. With limited resources, I worked hard, stuck with my job and did quite well in comparison. At tax time he would always pull a tantrum when we received out W-2s. To make himself look better DH would often put me down in front of SD and her husband or his family. Now that i look back on it I believe this added to SD's hostility to me. It must have given him a feeling of power. I finally had to set him straight in front of these people - not my standard MO. I may have appeared to be a b&%ch to some of them but it became a matter of emotional survival. Because of this, there were many times I wondered why he married me in the first place or remained married to me. I came to see that it was a matter of financial survival for him.
He is very respectful of me now and shows he cares in many ways but today he is living with the consequences of his actions. SD will not be visiting, he will receive no acknowledgement for Fathers' Day. Sad.
He sounds like a lot of
He sounds like a lot of husbands we discuss here. What has he done specifically?
Hi, I think in general, if
Hi,
I think in general, if the husband has been too guilty and close with the skid, then when there is a remarriage, the husband knows the skid is probably not too happy and out of guilt, goes out of his way to please the kid.
I used to feel mine didn't want her to like me because he was trying to show her that she was #1 to him.
When he was overly threatened by her pulling back he overcompensated, and I felt he just focused all his attention onto her and
I was not able to compete or get to form bonds with her. If the husband has spoiled the kid all the kids life, then due to
that, the husband won't give up being the favorite parent, even with a new wife.
Does that help>?
Thank yall, I am not really
Thank yall, I am not really good at typing on this phone. But I am glad to know it is not just in my head. I think he was jealous because the kids really liked me in the beginning and it bothered him. I feel like he turned them against me and now they can't stand me. I wish I had never married him. If I knew today what I knew now I would have been happier single but now I am 54y/o and feel stuck.
My DH has ABSOLUTELY fed the
My DH has ABSOLUTELY fed the obscene hatred his kids have for me. He has repeatedly thrown me under the bus. Thank you all for letting me vent here. It is a lifesaver knowing i am not alone.
Ditto, I have been reading
Ditto, I have been reading your post for a long time and have learned a lot. I appreciate y'all so much and I know I can be a little negative sometimes.
I agree my DH does not want
I agree my DH does not want to let SK know that he loves me, I don't get it!
The last piece to our puzzle
The last piece to our puzzle was this post exactly. I could never figure out why, after 20 years of good relationship, SD hated me; then just over a year ago, it fell into place. SD wrote me a two page hate email that spilled the beans; she threw DH under the bus.
Our marriage was so, so good, until 13 years ago, when SD and SIL moved here with SIL's employment. SIL and I worked for the same employer, Law Enforcement. Approximately six months into their move, every time I turned around I was being ridiculed in front of DH's kids, friends, and family get-togethers; I was shocked and deeply hurt. As the years went on, it got worse and worse. I kept wondering what I was doing to provoke this mental abuse.
When SD wrote me the email, she told it all. DH had been going to her and they formed a gossip session. I was working full time, providing health insurance for DH; he is disabled and has not worked in 30+ years. Therefore, DH was free to go and come every day, while I was at work. I would see a big change in his personality and all types of incidents were waving red flags, which I ignored, and chalked it off to DH's disability and health.
I can't tell you how many lies and stories DH and SD came up with; of course the more they came up, the worse everything got. I was devastated and DH claims, to this day, he was only visiting with "his daughter" and met no harm. I called it "betrayal" and he says he didn't betray me. We separated and I moved him to SD's. After a controlled separation (Court Orders/Law Enforcement) on my part, we have been trying to get it back together the past year.
I had to set boundaries, I thought I would never have to set, and should not have had to set. I was so disappointed that I fell in love with this monster mental abuser. How can anyone hurt someone, with absolutely no reason for it? It is very difficult, but I am trying. Our marriage is ruined, but we have been married 36 years and I have way too many years invested; I am 69 years old and do not want to start all over again.
Why my DH did this, I will NEVER understand. Then he had the nerve to say to me "you used to be such a sweet person"; wrong comment for sure.
Conclusion: The sh***t hit the fan. SD is not allowed to come near me, contact me in any way, and my DH is living with the change and consequences he, himself, brought about. I am now in control of the situation with no words barred; but this isn't the way it should be.
You are not alone and with all of this said, I wish I knew why any person would inflict this on another person, they are supposed to love and cherish.
There is room in my heart for lots of love and respect; but my DH as destroyed any respect and trust that I ever had for him; he no longer has much space in my heart. I care for him deeply, as a person. After 36 years, I can't just walk away from a disabled person, that I know nobody else will care for. I'm just not that cold.
Jasper....it may come to that
Jasper....it may come to that in the end.
Nope, doesn't deserve you at
Nope, doesn't deserve you at all. You are truly a saint. You'll be rewarded with 71 hot bodied male strippers in heaven, and no skids!
Sammi, the only reason I can
Sammi, the only reason I can see why our DH's did this is because they felt so inadequate. Yours was disabled, mine was not successful. They were so desperate that they would use us to heighten their egos, to make themselves bigger to people they wanted to impress. It means more to them than a good marriage.
sandye21, before DH showed me
sandye21, before DH showed me who he really was, I always looked at him as the most stable person I'd known. He always had his emotions and life in tact; that is why I contributed his actions to his health. But now I can see that this was the strongest reason his marriage with BM failed. It was SD crying to "daddy", from the time she figured "daddy" out as a toddler. SD is the only woman in my DH's life.
It is so sad, because my DH could have had it all and I would have never objected to any of our relationships; I didn't have any problem for the first 20+ years.
My DH blew it and now there is no going back, because I don't trust him.
I am sorry for all the pain
I am sorry for all the pain they put you through but I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. You are my hero! Thank you so much for sharing and please keep us posted.
Y'all are amazing ladies and
Y'all are amazing ladies and thank you for helping me understand.i thought it was all in my head and I agree that it is about power and ego.