Short answer is YES. You need someone to speak to about how you feel and you both might need to go to someone together.

I will admit I have a problem dwelling on things as well sometimes especially when it comes to the things BM does or the skids behavior. It really does take a toll on you after while and I haven't even been in my marriage that long. I have been married to my DH a year this Friday. The best advice I got on here was to not let people that are manipulators, have horrible souls or no regard for anyone's else's feelings is to just ignore them and move on because you are giving them too much personal space in your head when they do not think about YOU at all or your feelings. I think that was the best advice I got from other posters when I am dwelling on things and letting BM or my skids and the things that they do bother me so much that it interferes in my life.

I think that what you are experiencing is a fairly typical element of the coping cycle. Once we had pummeled the SpermClan into submission it took me quite a while to decompress and align with the less abrasive mid point of our blended family adventure. I experienced a second phase of that process once SS aged out from under the CO. I had remained poised to address SpermClan toxicity for so long that it took me a bit of time to reset to the new paradigm once they were no longer in the picture or capable of being a detriment to my Skid's best interests.

Give it some time. You will reset and be able to function well in the lower stress situation in your blended family dynamic.

I think you should definitely start with counseling for yourself to see if you can develop some coping skills and to learn to not dwell on things. (aka crying over spilled milk).

It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards your husband because you didn't get his support. After you have had some time to figure out things on your own, working with a couples therapist might be helpful.

Unfortunately even though the kids are technically adults doesn't mean that they won't have the ability to re-impact your lives. So, it's important to learn how you and he can set boundaries.

It DOES seem like after handling the rejection and abuse for so long we suffer from PTSD. It seems like that for me too. If you have disengaged from the skids it is going to better for you. The REAL problem is that you have not disengaged from your DH. The betrayal is harder to deal with when you see him every day and know he did not have the courage to do his job as a loving husband. Usually DHs learn a lot when you simply disengage, you don't discuss the skids with him (change the subject), let him handle birthdays and other occasions, and let him deal with them. When you are out of the equation for a while DH and the skids will have nothing left but to deal with the issues that were there before you got married, but were not addressed.

Yes, I would see a counselor. I did and it really helped me when I was beginning the disengagement process. A plus side was that I gained enough self confidence to set boundaries with both SD and DH. It also gave me the courage to stand up for myself instead of depending on DH to do it. When I started defending myself DH would still not support me, actually walking out of a restaurant when a waiter yelled at me because after an hour of waiting I calmly asked where our orders were. I finally had to inform DH that I will defend myself if I need to but he is to have my back if and when I do or stay silent. It took years to be able to trust DH again - I just had to stand firm with my boundaries.

You are not alone. Been thinking a lot about things from the past recently stirred up by other happenings. It is just who we are. I know I also need to not do it but tell that to my heart. You probably just need some re-group time.

Wow...a I read your inquiry, It brings back soooo much of what I experienced. I came to a crashing point in my step journey, 25 years into the marriage, ( three step adults 39,41 and 44) when bm died about 5 years ago. Only then did I realize how much I needed to disengage from all the madness...their culture, their way of doing things, always ending up on the bottom. There is a real consequence to being on the receiving end of all the drama for such a consistent and long period of time. It is called complex trauma. It is real. (Google it).. It is similar to ptsd, only instead of being exposed to an acute trauma resulting in ptsd, we have been altered by the constant bashing of our personhood for the extent of our step mom existence.

Add a continued wave of bullying and pas'ing by a bitter bm, combined with emotional, mental, and psychological abuse coming from their camp in waves of aggression...and bingo!....there you have it. An unhealthy co-dependence on abusive people that you can't break free from because it will cost you everything...only to realize "everything" is nothing but harm to your personhood.

Even when my dh failed miserably to challenge all the unacceptable behaviors coming from their camp..I stood up for myself and fought for myself. Only to find myself alone...and oftentimes, seeing dh launching his own form of relational aggression every now and then. I would definitely get some counseling if I were you...Don't be too hard on yourself for being effected by their ill treatment. It took me 5 years of disengagement and I am still learning the art of relationships...when to have one and when to walk away, the skill set of interpersonal communication, and the ability to respect the person God made me to be. How to individualize relationships was a great help, and holding dh accountable for his inability to man-up to his offspring has been paramount.

I still struggle and overcompensate my safe zone when osd's name is even mentioned. She is not safe. end of discussion. Her abuse has effected me at a deep level. Unfortunately, for my dh, that is just where I am at night now, and if he would have done his part in the beginning, things would not be as they are... Now he gets to live with the result. I do not waste my time dwelling about her much anymore though...and that will be a challenge...re-claiming the real estate of your thought processes back from being held captive for such a long time...renew your thinking to entertain your future and your destiny that awaits you.Not allowing the past to become a ball-and-chain that prevents you from showing up for a marvelous future that is waiting for your presence....Not allowing them to steal one more moment of your happiness...you owe it to yourself...the sooner you can exchange the bad thinking for the good...the better off you will be.

The 360 degree shift in thinking is what I found to be the most pleasant. When it hits you, you will know what I mean. When you realize "no one has the right to speak into your personhood less than who God says that you are"... no one. and then the beautiful transformation that occurred when "I woke up one day and realized...I get to choose." I can see the result of bitterness and hatred passed down to the next generation and what that looks like from an inside perspective. Healthy boundaries are an absolute necessity, and being able to self reflect to a level that not only questions what you do...but why you do what you do...I was taken back by how far reaching their ill treatment of me and my family, invaded the space in my soul.

Once I was set free from the overwhelming experience I had suffered...I vowed to myself that I would never go back to being treated like that again...not even on a small scale. If you do not have grandkids with them yet...brace yourself...nothing is sacred to them. Ours were used as weapons to inflict harm on my dh and I. using them to emotionally and psychologically hurt us was the last straw for me. It's what they have been taught...it is what they know...but that is no excuse. Now their children have a huge void in their own lives because dh and I didn't go through the joy of being grandparents with them...we didn't bond with their children. Osd has one graduating this year and after years of pas'ing him from us to please her mother,, we get an invitation in the mail to come to his graduation party? Now it just feels awkward at best. We won't be going, but we might send a card to his biological father's address to let him know we care (totally avoiding osd altogether)...after all, it isn't the grandkids fault, and he shouldn't have to feel rejected because of his mother's choices.

Such is the step-life...so filled with mine-field's and secret traps, all stemmed from an unresolved past just waiting for an innocent passer-by'er to come within striking distance...Even though dh and I are still married...I have decided to design my own route to take on the rest of this journey called life...Peace.

Counseling helps, even if you just go on your own. I tried to get DH to go with me but he refused so I went anyway. We were at a breaking point where ss32 was wedged in our relationship and just about broke us apart. Everything was about ss. If I blinked wrong in his presence I was accused of hating him. I knew things had to change or DH would have to go and take his rotten entitled son w/him. I immediately started setting boundaries w/DH and ss and also disengaged. "DH, you get to deal 100% w/YOUR son. I am out. Not a part of the equation between the two of you at all."

In hindsight I'm glad DH didn't go to counseling because it made it about me instead of us. I began to put myself first and DH could respect that or beat feet w/ss32 on his teat.

Lemonygirl - I am in a much similar situation - my SDs are now 22 and 20. I have older bios. My DH has also apologised for allowing my SDs to treat me badly - and going forward I don't think he would ever allow it again - neither would I, come to that - I am more in touch with my anger and much more able to be assertive nowadays.

However there is a lot of anger in me about that decade when I got treated like s**t. I find it hard to put it behind me. For me, I don't think counselling would help.

You are definitely not alone.... And, I am not certain I will ever fully master getting over the resentment, but it does improve...You realize YOU are in control of YOU now..nobody else....YOU are your own solution, only you can solve your problem.

I do recall the same feelings you have described, and...like I said, there are still a few moments/occassions now that my thoughts go back to the dark side of my life. That is when I have to redirect myself to something more positive and reach out to friends on ST, thus, reducing my long term stress. There were times I could hardly look at my husband, for thinking what a pathetic coward he morphed into around his adult abusers- their aim was BOTH of us; it sickened/sickens me. He just sits there, and always will... It is embarrassing to be at the same location with self centered, rude people like this--so why would I do it-- just because I was married to a man, even worse, a man who fully permits their rude, crude, exclusionary behavior. A man who likes to be called daddeeeee....but, has no idea how to be one... these adults reflect his parenting style. Since excluding me was their goal, you would think they would be happier...They did me the greatest favor, I have good reason to disengage and they ALL know it, including my DH.

What I have now is so much better, Id say 90% peace..if I do not let the negative thoughts enter my mind. I do not have to EVER be around them again, and he does not force me at all either. He knows what the are, but still does nothing...I will never understand it, but iI have come to accept it. Not my circus and not my monkeys....

He has his life with them and his life with me and the two lives will never go together now... DH still does not take any of the blame, blaming both the sadults and me.. So very sad, nonetheless.

My happiness lies within me and my exclusion of them physically in my life --but also in my mind. It does improve slowly over time. Good luck...

Hi All,

I'm pretty confident now in saying that things rarely get better with the steps. And, when they do they are in such ridiculously small increments that it is barely worth acknowledging. Disengaging (though I'm really only 80% of the way there) is the only thing that has kept me sane.

Having paid for food, clothing, car, car insurance, college and and and. $hit, I got the kid a job this summer when his "sure thing" job fell through. The thanks I have gotten from the kid (NONE) and from Dad ("Well, now he knows what he DOESN'T want to do when he grows up") has been laughable.

Wake up, Daddy Darling, SS21 doesn't want to do ANYTHING that isn't *fun*. He's working more than 10-12 hours per week (including vacations) for the first time in his life. You know what? My job isn't fun all the time either (who's is?), I can quit my job that pays 2/3 of our household bills, allows you to drive a Lexus and vacation at the place *we* own at the beach. Oh, and pay SS's college tuition. Why? Because my job isn't *fun*. Give me a break.

If I hear one more time "someday he'll come around and realize all the fantastic things you did for him" (instead of calling his Dad Pu$$y-Whipped or calling me a B!tch to my face) one more time I swear I could spit wooden nickels. But, Darling Disney Daddy is just now at kid's 22nd year on this planet thinking about discontinuing paying his bills for him, despite the fact at almost 50yo he has roughly $100 for his own retirement.

When I'm ready to retire I'm sure I can find a nice golf pro- or surfer to vacation overseas with me...

Granted, a little pi$$y today as the spoiled adult brat was supposed to have his funds discontinued at the end of June. July 3rd his bills got paid again. It was not a fun night at our house last night.