Do they ever grow up!
Hi, everyone! It's been. Awhile since I posted. LOTS has gone on .I disengaged from my 17yo SD and what a change. thanks for the advice on that one. NOW, my SO and I have almost reached that brass ring of being empty nesters, my SD has applied to colleges and is preparing to go in September. Here is my problem: one she is refusing to get a job to help off set some of her extra costs for college, she says and I quote " why should I that's what my mom and dad are for oh, and you" with a smile on her face. My SO and I can not afford to pay for all her extra costs. She expects a top of the line laptop, all her rent to be paid etc .She has decided to live with her BM during college and visit us on the holidays, at the same time REFUSES to get a part time job now. She has NEVER held a job of any kind and has told potential jobs that she HATES people so guess what she doesn't get the job . My SO and I have discussed, the " what if she doesn't go to college" aspect because her BM won't make her, she wants her to stay a little girl forever! ( Her words). My gut feeling is that she won't go to college, and will want to come back here and not get a job. I know you don't know her but she can NOT even carry on follow up phone calls without people hanging up on her cause she is so RUDE to them and blames everything on her parents. My idea is she can't move back here without a full time job if she decides not to go to college. She won't even get her license cause people and cars scare her ( thanks to her parents, her words again).
Am I right to expect her to go to college or to at least have a full time job if she wants to move back with us.
I don't want a 30 something year old living under our roof forever!
Please help!
If she decides not to go to
If she decides not to go to college, she can live wtih BM. Especially, if BM is the one who disuades her.
Sd is wrong
her mum and dads job is support her till the time she is classified and deemed an adult which is either 18 or 21. They put her through school to that age. After that she gets a job or studies!! Mum and dad do not sacrifice savings/retirement so she can have a top of the line laptop and a posh apartment with excessive rent.
If she has no motivation to get a job and self support herself, what self motivation will she have to go to uni and study/do homework yet alone complete uni.
Your partner needs to firmly say no if this affects putting a roof over your head and basic necessities. You need to tell your partner what she said and discuss this with him. If him pampering her is affecting your ability to cover basic necessities, then sd needs to toughen up. You do not subsidise for dear hubby
Nope
My BD was given a budget in college that we could afford. Any extras had to be paid by her so she got a job on campus which helped her not only with earning extra money but also provided her with a great network (she worked in the academic department of her major, providing her opportunity to get to know many professors). I hope your SD does go to college and learns how important responsibility is for self.
Where does your SO stand on
Where does your SO stand on all this? Will HE let her live in your home as an adult without being a full time student or having a full time job? If the answer to that is yes, you need to start working on him immediately or your relationship won't survive this skid's adulthood. If it's obvious he won't change, you might as well reconsider the relationship now, because you're in for a lot of misery.
If he's a good parent who wouldn't consider allowing a lazy, jobless adult to live with you, then he needs to sit this skid down and show her a budget. Let her see the expenses of college (or living on her own), the amount he is willing to subsidize, and the amount she will need to come up with on her own. If she believes that he will stick to his guns and she has half a brain, she'll realize that getting a part time job now is a good idea. If not, oh well, she was warned. Your SO then needs to follow through and not subsidize a penny more than he was otherwise willing to do. If she doesn't go out and get a job now, I would cut off her perks. No gas money, no paid-for phone, no new clothes, etc. Let her know that those things are now on her. She obviously needs incentive to go get a job. Needing money for the things one wants is a great incentive, and it's what got most of us working. It seems that this girl doesn't need to work for what she wants because it is being handed to her. If you change that, her attitude may change.
If not college then a trade
If not college then a trade school type of education. Something to further herself to be self sufficient is a basic requirement in sane families, intact or blended. I'd make it next to impossible for her move in her stuff in her home. Extra rooms? Man cave, you office, etc..... Keep daddy busy and happy so he won't feel the need to save her.
Head over to the adult skid forum, you will learn what to do and not to do.
How lucky for you that you didn't birth this spoiled rotten misguided child. YOU don't have to give her a dime of your money. Get DH on the same page. SD needs the lecture that now she is an adult, she will be treated as an adult at your house. That includes: your list of expectations that are normal for an 18yo, not specially picked for her to keep her crippled. If she doesn't like it, then she stays with BM.
Also don't include her in trips and other joys of adulthood that come with growing up and funding them yourself. Her BM might entertain her Peter Pan ways but your house doesn't have too. She will throw tantrums and such to get her father to behave but hold tight and support him when he stands up to SD (and BM if she joins in) If BM gets tired of supporting SD and tries to send her your way, don't let SD in. Die on that hill.
Don't feed the parasites
You need to determine right now EXACTLY what you will contribute and hold steadfast to that. Your SD sounds like a brat. Help with ONLY those expenses required for her education. And that means, a refurbished chromebook vs. a brand new Mac, dorm vs. my own apartement, etc. etc. It's what YOUR budget can afford and she ought to be grateful for any assistance. If she thinks she needs more financial help, she can apply for financial aid and be responsible for paying it back when she graduates. Look into the financial aid so you know exactly what she is getting and that she's not blowing the excess disbursement on partying or playing..."I'm a rich girl." A posh life is EARNED through diligence, direction and work.
I do not believe in completely supporting your kids until they are deemed an adult. That is a sure fire way to coddle "princess mentality." You teach and wean your kids with a worth ethic beginning in childhood. It starts with chores...first jobs...etc. Those who fail to learn work ethic and how to follow through with completion become lost, lazy, burdersome, entitled adult parasites.
I have worked to become well off and my parents also worked to make a decent fortune. BD24 has been working part time since she was 14. She felt good about having her "own spending money" and independence. She started contributing to her own bills when she got a car, and phone, etc. She also worked part-time through college (for her personal expenses while I paid the educational ones). She launched into a responsible adult who understands that material goods are not what makes people happy. Then there's SD24 who never held a job through H.S. because she "danced." Never helped with her car, newest Iphone every two years, trips abroad, etc. DH was still giving her $ to buy xmas gifts for friend and family at 21. Can you say enabler? Completely raised like a princess and it is only now that DH recognizes what an entitled monster he helped create. He and BM did not make a lot of money, but they spoiled SD as if she were being raised in a upper income family - she was BM"s vicarious answer to a failed, sad childhood.
Sounds like your SD needs to be "cut off" from the frivolous "I want...I wants." She needs to work part time even if attending school and full-time if she decides not to go to college. Let her find out exactly what a full-time minimum wage job brings in and why this country is up in arms. There's work programs through ever college in this country. However, parents have to GUIDE the process when they are 17 -. they all think they know what they want. It's even worse if they've never had a job or they don't have any future goals. They end up hanging out with get-a-life losers who all suffer from arrested development.
I'd be careful of what thoughts BM is putting into SD. You're going to have to tough-love-it through this because 18 is a vital milestone and crossroad into becoming a responsible adult. Do not consider yourself empty-nesters until this kid is fully launched.
I agree
I agree with you, my BD are 23 & 27 and they both had jobs from the time they were 15 and bought their own cars, paid their own expenses ( other than necessities, roof, food etc). They are both thriving in life. I can not get my head around this entitled ,spoiled, self entitled attitude of my SD and it drives me insane to sit back and talk,talk,talk tell I'm exhausted about what my SO is doing to her potential. But he says " she will figure it out".. my questions is HOW. she hasn't been shown or made to figure it out.
Don't let the door hit you in the arse...
"She will figure it out"....geez. The only figuring out she's going to do is how to keep leeching off her parents. I'd only use that phrase if it was in reference to "picking a major" or figuring out how to balance part time work with classes. Your SD is definitely looking through "entitled" glasses.
I can not imagine
Not directing my BD to either college or trade. Where I live, there is a HS kids interested in trades have a special school, and do well. I am very sympathetic to kids who do not get licenses because they or their families cannot afford insurance (and even if they do not their own car, their parents' insurance will go up). I cannot fathom mom or dad not taking kid to local community college for some type of aptitude testing.
ETA -- If op does not have seperate finances, she needs to think about that.
Lots of truth and good advice
Lots of truth and good advice in this thread.
I just want to add that once the entitled tick moves in with BM, you need to erect strong boundaries and get on the same page as your H with a "no adult skids allowed to live with us" rule. It's really common for these BMs to get fed up dealing with and supporting their screwed up skidult, especially when there's no more tax free c.s. rolling in. BM will look for an easy out, so don't let your home be an option.
Do not pay for anything, zip
Do not pay for anything, zip, zero, zilch
Here's a website you can send
Here's a website you can send her to and tell her SHE should buy one that they reccomend. https://www.collegechoice.net/best-laptops-for-college/ that way she knows you aren't willing to spend money on her, but you also give her some cheap options for laptops. Tell her to move in with some roomies, put add in the college newsletter that she's looking for roommates, it will be more affordable for her (another hint you aren't paying for anything). Keep doing things like that, so you appear supportive and standing your ground that you aren't paying for any of it
Also, here's a link to a
Also, here's a link to a bunch of ways college kids can make money
https://thecollegeinvestor.com/16427/100-real-and-honest-ways-to-make-mo...
One of her parents most
One of her parents most likely your SO has to break her little heart in a polite way and let her know that it is absolutely necessary that she gets a job in order to pay for HER expenses as it is not in his budget to do so. He also needs to make it clear to her that you have no obligation to pay anything for her and she has to learn to be independent and make her way in this world, which begins with helping herself through college. Has your SO addressed this or is he simply letting her think everyone is going to be at her beck and call and pay for everything?
You also need to have a serious conversation with SO that she cannot move back without a full time job if she decides NOT to go to college. You will not support that and she really needs to get her priorities straight and her sh!t together. You are right to expect her to go to college and to have a job to help support HER way.
My Gawd, she’s 17. Your
My Gawd, she’s 17. Your comment about her NEVER having a job yet made me laugh, she’s 17!
I worked while in college and paid rent for my little studio apartment. I did not do well in my classes because I had no time to study. My classes were in the morning and early afternoon, and then I worked 3-11. I moved back with my mom when I was 20 so that I could cut back on my work hours and only concentrate on school. I quickly graduated with high honors thanks to my mom’s help.
Moral of the story: kids need help in order to succeed. And she is still a kid. If you set her up for failure, she will fail. I see nothing wrong with her working part time to pay for her school supplies or clothes, but her education is first and trumps any job. Don’t let her tell you how your going to spend your money. If she wants a laptop, take her to the pawnshop. Not good enough? Then you are on your own, kid. Clothes? Suggest Goodwill or 2nd hand. Tell her she can ship at Macy’s when she’s done with school and is making good money. Oh well if she doesn’t like it.
Btw, if I were you, I’d disengage and tell your hubby to deal with her. Don’t spend your money on her. If your account is joint, I’d tell him he can spend no more than 100.00 month (or whatever you choose) on her “stuff”. I believe it’s her mom and dad’s responsibility to ensure she gets through school by allowing her to live with them under their rules, but a part time job to pay for her clothes (Goodwill), school supplies (Pawn shop) and food (Ramon noodles) is also necessary.