Cannot see that things will ever change....
My fiance and I are getting married this year, we are in our mid 40's - his children from his first marriage are 21 and 24 and meant to be adults. I say meant to be adults as they don't act like adults at all!
I am so glad that a forum like this exists so that I can vent when they make me feel so mad. If it was up to me then I would have totally disengaged from them completely but h2b doesn't want to do this, he approaches the issues he has with them as if they are a problem to fix (which they are) but I am trying to make him understand that they have to want to fix things too and move forward.
They caused a lot of upset when we first started seeing each other and it is like they are jealous/angry that h2b has a life of his own, particularly his daughter who kind of leaned on her dad for her social life before he met me and of course that was all great for her as she got free lunches/dinners etc. H2b has acknowledged that both the kids were spoilt and that he was a soft father to them.... to me being soft is one thing but treating people with respect is another.
I had no part in him splitting up with their mother whatsoever..... he did meet someone after he split with their mother and had a toxic relationship with this woman who in turn also had a toxic relationship with his kids in particular his daughter, this led him into not speaking with his kids for almost a year - she said that his kids were intolerant and i have to say that even though she wasn't stable herself, that she was right about that but it was his daughter that stirred up trouble (she was sending drunken texts late at night) in the first place. He regrets the break in contact with his kids there but it's not as if he didn't care about them at any time but they had some time and a short holiday together to mend and build bridges before he met me but I have had nothing but animosity from them ever since, again in particular his daughter.
The situation was bad and then became even worse when the SD gave birth to h2b's first grandchild early last year and claimed that she didn't know she was pregnant. Since that time, she has become even worse in attitude to him and not allowed him access to see his own grandchild. This situation only improved when she split up with the baby's father and luckily the baby's father has been happy to let h2b see his grandchild at his parents house.
The latest incident was that he sent them a Christmas card from both of us and gifts from both of us and made it clear that we both choose gifts etc......last year I wasn't included on the Christmas card to my h2b and h2b was totally incensed by this and tore the card up..... this year, he met his son before Christmas and gave him gifts from us to take to everyone since his daughter is now back at his ex wife's house and his son actually gave him a gift of a bottle which he said was a joint gift to us from him which my h2b saw as progress and then he did warn his father that my name was not included in the card again!
My h2b met up with his son again a few days after Christmas and lo and behold his daughter decided to invite herself - he had not seen her since last July despite sending endless messages/emails and trying to call her. She had the opportunity to see him at her grandmother's house 2 days before but didn't want to see him then (no free lunch involved!) It seems that she also needs to vet the time my h2b spends with his son and because she took the baby, it ensured all focus was on her!
My h2b sent them both an email after meeting them and told them both that their card had ended up in the bin as my name wasn't in it and that he didn't bring them up to be like this and that if they had any issue with me then they need to spill it out but they have to accept that we are getting married. He didn't get a Happy New Year message from either of them yesterday (what excuse do they have for that?!) but he is meeting up with his son today briefly.
His daughter did send him a message back but addressed none of the points in his email and came back at him and called his parenting skills out and basically vented at him.
Apparently it has been said that they don't have any issues with me but if they have any issues with him then they are not being honest and talking about it.
All his daughter does is go round in circles and deflects from any point he raises. I concur that even though the divorce happened when they were older then they were clearly affected by it but his own daughter encouraged him to divorce her mother!!! Both of them seem very bratty and immature and they can say what they like to me, it's when they treat their father with such utter disrespect and disdain that gets to me.
I am going to surprise myself
I am going to surprise myself here, but I think that your fiancé was incorrect in demanding that your name be included in the card from them, especially last year. And certainly telling them that he had ripped it up. You are not his wife yet, and I do not know if you were even his fiancée then. Now it sounds like a war us going on, and I think the writing was on the wall in that he was overly close with his daughter when you came on the scene. She became threatened by you, and in some ways he forced you on them, instead of taking a slower approach.
Everyone has their opinion
Everyone has their opinion Newimprvmodel - where my fiance is concerned, he thinks it is just basic good manners that my name was included in the Christmas cards - the year before we were living together at Christmas so it wasn't a surprise that we were together to them and this year, we are engaged. He also never demanded that my name was included on the cards - for us that's just basic good manners and respect and how we were brought up.
He's been very soft on them, that's his own admission and yes telling them that he ripped the card up is quite forceful for him but he is entitled to be upset about that, he didn't bring his kids up to be disrespectful and that was the point made about the card thing. They need to understand that he has feelings too and that he is hurt by all of this.
I can understand the slower approach thing if his kids were not grown up kids and not 20 and 23 at the time, even so we didn't ram it down their throats that we were together. We met several times at different venues and things got progressively worse with each meeting.Furthermore, they haven't never shared a house with us as the SS is at college and the SD lived/lives with her mother.
As I said in my last reply, I was very shocked that grown up kids could be this vile without any provocation, i hadn't had any experience of this beforehand and their behaviour totally surprised and shocked me.... they can be as rude as they like to me but when they continually crap on their father, it is just beyond me!
Hi Mairin - yes he does
Hi Mairin - yes he does support me totally and he has said that I have done nothing wrong... I would definitely deal with things differently from him though if they were my kids and I would go much more extreme than he has as I don't see that his words are having much of an effect at all. His daughter seems to think that whatever he says is a joke anyway. Now that she is a parent, it also seems to make her think that she is equal to him and that her parenting skills are the best, much better than his but hey we all wish that her daughter is going to grow up with her attitudes and see where that gets her in life!
I am pretty opinionated and I don't hold back on what I think of his kids and how I think things should unfold - but we do discuss these things and we do have the support of the rest of his family and his friends who all know what his kids and in particular his daughter have been like to him in the past and now.
His kids are not invited to our wedding and even if they were invited, I doubt whether they would come. If they did and caused a scene, there would be several people there that would have no hesitation in removing them very swiftly and we just don't want any incidents like that on our wedding day!
It's not that i don't want or didn't want a relationship with his kids either and I haven't made out that I want to be their 2nd mother, they have a mother for that and I am still amazed that 2 seemingly grown up kids have caused their father so much hassle and grief but being on this forum for the time i have been tonight has opened my eyes that I am not the only one who is/has gone through bad times due to selfish brats!
A lot of people have said that time changes things but I don't think my fiance wants to leave his kids alone and disengage from them.
I haven't been involved with them directly for over a year now and I often wonder if I should get involved - the thing is if I sent the SD a message then I wouldn't hold back in it in telling what I think of her - I have told him that I think shock tactics are needed now and maybe he is starting to see my point of view.
His mum wants to get involved as she is disgusted with her grand daughter's behaviour but he has asked her not to say anything as it is difficult enough her seeing her great grand child (distance isn't the issue as she lives 5 minutes drive away) as her messages and calls get ignored too and he feels that if she does involved then the SD will basically stop access to the baby - still I think it is coming to the time when she needs to be read the riot act and then if the SD breaks contact then it is her loss and when the baby starts to talk and ask questions as she grows up then she may have some difficult answers to come up with as to why she doesn't see her great grandmother or her other grandad.
This is fantastic advice! I
This is fantastic advice! I only wish I could have read it before marrying DH. PLEASE put this post on your blog or some place where it will be readliy accessable in the future.
Yes it would be nice to be
Yes it would be nice to be liked by his kids but I am not sure it will ever happen.
Does it bother me? Yes and no.
No, because yes life is easier and better without them around me, that is very simple and even though I am disengaged from them, obviously from time to time they do step into our lives.
It would be good to get respectful behaviour, not just to me but also to their father but again that may not ever happen.
I am fully aware that blasting the SD isn't going to get anyone, anywhere - she doesn't respond to anything. My fiance wanted me to write to her but to be honest I don't think it is a good idea and that I am better off out of it.
The issues lie between them and their father apparently and yes I agree they need to be resolved between them and their father - (only a small percentage is levied against me, apparently) But as a couple, I do discuss the issues with my fiance as that's part of us.
Weirdly enough, they thought I had to impress them... i didn't think that I was in some sort of dog show that anyone needed to be impressed or vice versa - I didn;t expect to be impressed by them, it would have been nice that because I was welcoming and nice to them that they would be the same back but hey not to be!
The bother comes because i do love my fiance and I want him to be happy and that I know he wants to have a better relationship with his children than he does now and also a future relationship with his grand daughter BUT I also know that a relationship as is communication is a 2 way street and he can't just give and they shouldn't just take but that is what it is.
Being read the riot act can be done in subtle ways too, it's not an all guns blazing row but what can he do if his daughter ignores his texts, calls and emails?!
That's when my fiance and I
That's when my fiance and I are talking about them - usually when there has been some hurtful incident that involved him.
I don't actually have ANY contact with his kids at all and if I am being honest that suits me perfectly.
He has himself said that me and him are the most important people and relationship in his life and that we concentrate on our happiness and that they are on the edges - that's their choice.
You are right, they are HIS kids and he's their father and it is up to him.
I wasn't brought up to be how his kids are with him, if I had been disrespectful to my father, I would have taken a beating from him. I am not saying he should beat his kids etc but I do know from our conversations that he was very soft on them and that they were spoilt, again his admissions.